Be nice now V. I'm not REALLY overworking this, *innocent look*

Back again! Sorry, we’ve been so fickle with our writing. Pretty much figurin not much to say that hasn’t been heard before, but this dismisses the fact we love to write and am planning to write a very long entry. Maybe after Tuesday’s State meeting, we’ll get back to our "story," but for now SUPERBOWL 39! Yayyyyy Eagles! Been in Jacksonville all morning with the Reporters of ESPN. I will probably be so ecstatic by the time the game’s on we’ll fall asleep.

Wanted to say a word of appreciation that although we haven’t been writing, the people we still read are out there writing. Very pleasurable to sit down and catch up on where everyone is at. And, Barb ... if you read this entry ... Megan should call the police! There, I feel my conscious has been cleared!

We had a bad work week the latter part of this week. But, for a half good reason toward personal inroads. Macadam and his wife made an offer on a house and it was accepted. This happened on Wednesday and my mind’s been going ever since. He’s selling his condo which is more our price range than the place he is getting. Well at least, close to our price range. Still a real expensive thought. His new place closes on March 4th, and we’re trying to arrange some (pre-approval) financing before anyone beats us to the deal. If they do it will be fair. We’re offering $5,000 less. It’s necessary for us especially because the cost of their condo association is so high, but if he gets a better deal, he really might have to take it. He still has to be concerned on money needed to put down on his new place. It’s one of those things where it will either happen or not. Gives us a chance in the meantime to flex our abilities on some higher-minded number crunching.

Trying not to look too far forward, but we’ve gone through a process this week of querying, "Is this really what we want? How would it work? Can we do this?" No one can really make this choice, but us. By this time, it feels like more an opportunity than not, but things are happening to allow us to slow down and think it out.

I feel good in that our supportive circle of friends and family are positively strong. The people we talk to and trust are encouraging with the thoughts of going for it. And, it provoked us to get our taxes done early. No loss there, even though it meant we only came up with a $400 tax "bonus," but that’s about half a mover’s cost. Just can worry about one thing at a time. It turns out there are loans out there for people like me who have had credit problems in the past where we can purchase houses for no money down or for not having closing costs. This is kind of a scary thought all by itself. I do have other things going for me ... like an income and no credit card debt. Biggest financial decision having to be made is that I’d have to give up smokes to maintain the "extra" spending I like. By extra we’re talking enough to keep ourselves slightly in the black by about a hundred or two and taking ourselves out to dinner once a week. LOL - vacations? What the h*** is that! Better our mainstay is good.

I would be more concerned, but it seems that no matter what, we’ve been making it on our own this way for the last 11 years. No reason to think we won’t continue.

The act of owning a house is something we went through in our journal back in November as far as planning for our future. But, at that time I’d convinced myself there wasn’t available housing that could be bought in our price range. On Thursday, we were approved for a loan, but the company is costing us out at a higher rate than normal, because of a debt we’ve been paying for on an overpayment from the government. We’re restricting ourselves. What they offer financially should not be an option to us. It’s TOO much. Think the company is looking more at their bottom line than our own self interest. From what I understand, this other mortgage lender isn’t viewing it the same way. We’ll have to see. We have to finish gathering some papers before going back to work tomorrow and that will go to the underwriters. After that, we’ll learn their "deal." This second lender has asked for more things, but have been fairer and more humanistic with them, where the other company asked for few things, but were tougher and stingier. *Sigh* It’ll either happen or it won’t. It’s a game of wait and see. I’d like to have been the gamers that had coined the board game name of "Risk."

Now we are in an apartment that rents out pretty high. We made decisions before of living at a certain quality of life that included a second bedroom and balcony, plus some nice furnishings. The condo would offer us the same. It’s more economical doing a condo that includes some major maintenance costs than purchasing a single home with our lame back. The balcony looks over this nice green expanse of land and its been noticed that it would lead our kitties to a "goose" show. I look out at our wonderful bistro table and chairs and think, "Yes, I could retire with these images." We’ve decided we would get the necessary confluence that we needed to improve our lifestyle.

The condo is six miles further out from work and toward city traffic, I’ll have to make adjustments, but the new place would be right down the road from the expressway I need to take, so we figure that’s ok. Big thing is that we’d own our own place and be putting money into our future. We’d have to take out a 30 year loan and that is bothersome in that in 20 years I’ll want to retire and will have to worry about household income and payments. But, the way Bush is messin around we’re all going to worry in 20 years. I figure there will be at least two options. I will either rent out the other bed room eventually, or we’ll look at one of those backward loans where older people sell back their profits for a current income. I would have had worse troubles with this in an apartment, because there is no potential savings. The best case scenario would be that I have a little something to pass down to kids.

The condo is also a little bit smaller than the apartment I’m now in. But, given the conditions of my disabilities - especially ability to clean and move around, maybe smaller is better. AND, it is just slight. I’ve figured out the only thing I may have to let go of is the extra set of bedroom dresser and desk. I would make that choice if I couldn’t fit in the second (computer) table in the second bedroom. I’m thinking that might be necessary considering I’m going to want to keep a full bed in the 2nd room. I get some relieve in moving from third floor down to second. Still thinking we need tall enough so that we can allow balcony door open for kitties without fear of them getting loose. Anyone know if a kitty will jump down from 2nd floor? If lured by live meandering geese on the lawn? They sure do love to bird-watch!

Couch was one of the first major considerations. But, it turns out the living room is 17x12 and the L-shaped couch is 12x8. Gives us, of course, 5 ft on one wall and 4 on the other. This is good, because we didn’t want the living room sticking out in the hallway, or having to jump over the couch to get into the living room. :) I LOVE the couch!

I also really love the way my apartment works out now. If you’d been around the last half year, you would know that we redecorated our place. I’ve got furniture, drapes, pictures, shelves and such all where I would ideally want them. But, then I figure as long as everything fit ... the good part, all this stuff, will look beautiful no matter what the order we put them. Drapes of course will go from one set of balcony doors to the other. Might shoot ourselves if we had to give them up. I love them! Also figure that the spare living room and dining room will hold the six sets of bookshelves.

Hmm, just thinking I could keep the 2nd bedroom furniture AND tables if the deal falls though on the walking equipment. Not sure how that work out. Tanner is offering this exercise equipment if we can get it out of the house and put it together again. He moved into a smaller place this last month and couldn’t take it all with him. Macadam has volunteered to help which I appreciate tremendously. He said it is a $2,700 machine and it would be wasteful to lose it. Believe me, I could really use it. If I keep this place, its going to end up in our living room in front of the sliding glass doors and if we got the new place it would end up in the master bedroom. Fortunately it’s a nice room, 17x11. Shoot, sure hope Macadam gets to talk to his brother this weekend about the car loan documents that I will need. It’s a leftover from having co-signed a car loan with him.

There are some other advantages too. Bath has just been done and the fridge and oven are new. Chances are we’d be left the dishwasher too. That be a Yahoo! I’m pretty sure I saw a built-in at Macadam’s new place. The place was painted not too long ago, but Macadam said he would help fix up a few things with us. That be real nice. I’d still have to worry about new floors or carpet, but what’s there is definitely liveable. Think I might have to be more economical in the kitchen. Less cupboard/counter room. But, I wouldn’t use much of the front hall closet across from the kitchen. Could add a little pantry with some shelving. Lord knows, we don’t use too much storage space with our food. Same with the double closet in the bedroom. We really have few clothes and shoes. Hmm, it be our own place. Wonder if we could put in a washer dryer? Hmm better ask Macadam.

There is another thought that we’ve been having. The last apartment we lived in Minnesota was smaller. The condo is bigger than that, but there was a feeling in that apartment of being very economical in movement. There wasn’t any extra clutter ... the lines were clean and simple. There was a place for everything. Not much more than that, but we were happy. Content with what was our life. There is one last side issue too with the news place, in that when our granddaughter would come to stay over, she’d find herself back in her old room. Like to give her that security. Hmm, maybe we’ll have to borrow some toys though. Oh yeah, we’ve got our computer! Smart kid!!

*Sigh* But, then it might not work out. I’d have to look at it as no pain, no gain. Would kick myself later if I’d neglected to check things out. Hope, hope, hope for the best!

In other news, things are pretty much the same, except the major deadline is now upon us. Tuesday to be exact. I really need to put in some time today on the project, but am still fighting it. Been trying to work through mind crinkles on the project. Basically, I need to have four good files ready for the inspector’s to look at. I chose my four files (the one’s that looked the best), but I still have some Qnotes to finish up on them. Just now, I’m not sure I like the Qnotes for one of the women. I’d realized late Friday that the DSP really messed them up. She did not write goals for the last 5 months on one of the goals. I had 12 files that are also doable, but weren’t as perfect as the first set of files. It depends, in that they are clear for the inspection, but close to expiration. By that I mean physicals would be ok on the 8th, but by the 11th, they’d be expired. Not sure if that won’t mess us up. Probably won’t, but didn’t want to take the original risk. *Sigh* On the good side, a couple of those files belong to people who have already had most the Qnote complete. Wouldn’t be as much a crunch on Monday if I changed over.

There is no way to escape the fact that once yearly inspection date is the worst day of the year. Feels like raw nerves. It wouldn’t have to be that way, but sister’s expectations are high. She’s not settled with 97%. She wants 100%. I’m already riding a rail, in that I know I didn’t do the goal work as the state might like. I did it as our DSPs could handle it, and at that, some of the DSPs AREN’T handling it yet. Part of the nerviness is that we’ve had to hide them from inspector’s view.

Sister’s added also a little more pressure on the game. It again has to do with DSP’s. There are five regular DSP’s and two assistants. Four out of the Five DSPs are disgruntled (near quitting or have already put in notice) and they are sharing bad attitudes with the new assistants. Sister is threatening to take away the assistants that the DSPs aren’t appreciating which believe me ... isn’t going to help resolve the situation.

Because Sister was mad at me for so much of the second half of last year, she allowed me minimum contact with the DSPs, even though I was the DSP Trainer. There has been practically no contact with the new people (Assistants). Sister’s view at the time was that she didn’t want me, "messing" with them and that HER DSPs could train their own help. She stated she didn’t want me talking with them, AND she stated she didn’t want me giving anybody anything in writing without her approval. She also built up "us against her" scenario. By that I mean, she developed relationships with DSPs to speak against me anytime they felt a whim or I pressured them, because she was looking for ammunition against to feed her anger at my perfectionism and desires to be a person of personal and professional worth.

We apparently have been in a joint power struggle. She asked them for the proof she wanted to discredit me and they got used to not making the DSPs deal with anything that was uncomfortable. Left to their own, they developed negative ideas like hers and complained the work was too hard, the client’s too impossible, and the paid hours not enough. They complained even though they got extra help. But, by now that has come back to bite her. But, she’s not allowing that. Without losing a beat, she is now blaming her mess on me. She says, "You’re the trainer, this is your problem. She says, "Get in there and fix it! I shouldn’t have to do everything!" ARGHHHHH!

Most the time, I took the advise of the consultant. He said just to continue doing good work. Nose to the grindstone thinking. I wasn’t perfect, but I know I’m as close as she got as to what should be happening. I still have problems protesting the workload in that when I get overwhelmed emotionally, I slow down to care for my bruised feelings, so then only the minimal gets accomplished. This is no good. I lack this amount of professionalism. I feel less than good too, in that ... part of my job is to cover the center’s shortages. She allows the DSPs to continue not completing their work which I then cover. And, she tried to make up for that by cutting my staff training sessions so that DSPs had more time to complete their work. DSPs took advantage of that and spent time wasted on mostly griping to one another. And, in the meantime, I had to now cover for all the training sessions that weren’t happening.

So, that pretty much brings us up today. I think the way the winds blown now, Sister and us find ourselves having to rely on one another more with not much trust between us. During this last couple of weeks, there have been some compromises. She’s been stopping by at my office to "talk things out." Which means we start resolving the problems she complains about. She still wants to have all the right opinions, but she is allowing for us to give input into the unstructured situation the center is now in. I wouldn’t dare tell her that she’s made mistakes, but that is fine ... she’s still the boss and I don’t have to go there. I can respect her position. I’m not sure yet, if after we get past this next couple of days, I won’t again find myself in the Administrative Dog House. Seems she keeps it rented out to somebody or another. We’ve taken on our share which has made the others staff happy, but things can’t go on as they were, or NOTHING will get done.

That’s the point ... how do we fix things ... with or without help. Fortunately, one of the factors in our favor was that I figured out before the pressure was on literally, that certain tasks were needed to be completed. I put my client files in order and wrote a staff training manual. I also developed an order that made it more difficult for us to forget the little things we were dropping due to our poor memory. Think this is self-sabotage as was not completing Qnotes over our available time during the Christmas vacation. We were at a "f***it point" ... me first thinking. If somebody is going to hurt me, damn, I’ll do it myself before giving other the satisfaction. Horrible business attitude. The kind we were trying to fight against with the others.

We were a little more hard pressed to hand over our accomplishment with the staff training manual (self-satisfaction - opposed to agencies), but one day I figured I would have to anti-up. It was a bad day where three different DSPs had come to me complaining. Each offered me information on how Sister had downed me with them in exchange for help figuring out their personal dilemmas with her. I know, I know ... this is really kind of sh**** display of thoughts. I’m not sure if this is how all business’ work, but it happens at our job and more importantly with me. Work has to be accomplished while personalities and egos clash. It’s the entity of the Center that we all NEED to direct our attention, because if we don’t do that ... we’ll have no forum for our idiosyncracies. This becomes our own SUPERBOWL come Tuesday. Need to be pulling our stuff together ... hence all the sudden writing. Need to work through it. Sure think we’d like the security of holding a job, especially if we were to get a new place!

Shoot, sure am writing a lot ... I hope that’s ok. Still got some more work to do. I figure that if we’re not part of the solution, we’re part of the problem. So, thus saying ... we’ve got to figure out how to get us, staff and Administrator back on track. Hmm, is that my job? One thing I’m pretty sure of ... everyone is going to want control over their own part. Think that’s one of the places I lost it with the Sister. She wrote on my last job evaluation that she couldn’t keep up with me, so I was supposed to stop moving forward. She actually stated, "do not think of anything new." I was giving her too many things to do, look over, or decide. Although, she went on to say my ideas were excellent, she stated she couldn’t keep up with all the things I was putting on her desk. Probably, because when I was real mad I would work very hard. Sometimes because I thought the work was necessary, but also sometimes to intimidate her. It was my way of saying, "Back-off!" I couldn’t tolerate she was restricting me to be less so she wouldn’t have to deal with me. Like paying me a huge bonus rather than saying thank you and sharing a meal. She micro-manages rather than allow people to think and confront her ideas. We acted out like an angry scorpion. There are no boundaries. She intrudes on each step or each role that she says we’re responsible for. Each becomes responsible, but with no authority.

The natural outcome of all that should be to develop then more depth on tasks already out there, like doing the dumb Qnotes. I know, I know they’re not dumb. But, they are like all the documents. She has no value in them, except she knows they have to be done for State or CARF. I knew this was a fascade. I resent working for no more than face value. I want my work to mean something. The difference was that she wanted me to do more with staff training, CARF accreditation, and client services without bothering her or the other staff with it. She asked for no change, but to look excellent in the eyes of the State and CARF. Everything I was doing was on paper and what is valued out in the community, but no follow-through in reality. Hell of job to have staff training when you aren’t allowed to talk with staff. Like making sweet lemonade out of no lemons. She wasn’t willing to share the power she wields in the making of corrections or balancing compromises. We knew her power to be unwieldy. With not only us, but the staff her decisions and control change with the wind to whatever her immediate thought is to maintain her concept of always being right. Staff is gun shy because of her unpredictability. For example, it doesn’t always pay off to question or try hard, because eventually whatever you do is going to make her angry and bitter. And, you can darn well bet, you’ll be yelled at or have privileges removed. People have trouble respecting their work, when they aren’t being respected.

For us, there was more to it. I figure we are working for a 78 year old nun who has already told us that it comes straight from Italy, that after she leaves there are no guarantees that the center will remain open because there are not enough nuns to go around. My only way of dealing with this was to do real work so that I’ll learn from my time put in. I want something to sell to whomever might get me next. I want to do things the right way because it is the right thing to do and doing this promotes positive change and real help to clients and world. I don’t want to get to the next company and say, "I am an excellent cheater. I know nothing of real work or connections, but I can bend all sorts of rules and work tight deadlines, can I help you out!"

Shoot, shoot ... still angry.

Be nice. Vince is going to have a heart attack reading all these negative thoughts. My psychiatrist is going to say, but you already knew your boss is cranky, and although intelligent, is an ineffective leader. And, the people who should read this, being my boss or friend/consultant aren’t going to get close to reading "my" truths, because they’re trying to hold on tightly to their own.

So, knowing all this ... what am I going to do? Bottom line is that I’m still going to have to do something or I’ll go nutty.