Self Esteem Paper - In Process...

Abstract

It was hypothesized that self esteem levels could be surveyed from adults with developmental disabilities to assist their developmental training needs. Individuals from St. Rose Center were given a self-rated Self-Esteem survey of 40 questions during two separate one hour meetings of the "Thinking Group." 41 Individuals participated in the survey; 29 surveys (71%) were useable for inclusion in the study. The individuals were developmentally disabled at the primary level of moderate. All individuals were aged 21 through 45. Self Esteem was divided into five areas including: Fostering Good Relationships, Striving for a Sense of Security, Looking After Yourself, Creating a Positive Self-Image, and Developing Social/Work Confidence. The six indicators utilized included DSP Group, QMRP Caseload, Length of participation in the program, gender, age, and nationality. The indicators showing the most varied levels of self esteem were QMRP Caseload, DSP Group, and nationality. The indicators showing the least varied levels of self esteem were gender, age, and length of participation. The most favorable scenario for high self esteem is the individual composite of coming from DSP Group 1A, QMRP Caseload 1, black, male, 30's age range, and having participated in the program for over a year. The most favorable scenario for low self esteem is the individual composite of coming from DSP Group 2, QMRP Caseload 2, Spanish, female, 40's age range, and having participated for less than a year.

Demographics

The Center is a small provider of day training services to adults with mental retardation over the age of 21. The Center is located on the south side of Chicago in the neighborhood residential area called, "Back of the Yards." The 49 individuals who attend the Center fall in the range of mild, moderate, severe, or profound mental retardation. Primarily, the individuals who were of the functioning level to complete the test were moderately retarded. Two individuals were mildly retarded. The individuals all live at home with their families and are of multi-denominations. The families are of low economical and educational backgrounds. The families make small contributions to the Center to support their family member, but primary cost of the center is paid by the State of Illinois, grants and donations. A moderate number of the individuals participating had either secondary physical or psychiatric diagnosis’. The Center has one Administrator and eleven staff.

Therewere 41 individuals who were given the test. 29 of these individuals were able to complete the pencil and paper self scoring feat. Only these 29 survey papers were utilized for scoring purposes. The individuals were from one of four groups (1A, 1B, 2, & 3). The individuals are generally placed in groups according to functioning levels. Group 1A is considered the highest functioning and Group 3 is considered the lowest functioning. Group 1A had eight people (28%), Group 1B had eleven people (38%), Group 2 had eight people (28%), and Group 3 had two people (7%).

Each group had one Developmental Support Person (DSP) who was not present during the survey. Each of the 29 individuals were under the responsibility and Caseload of one of two Qualified Mental Retardation Professionals (QMRP). QMRPs hold related BA degrees and serve as counselors to the individuals and general supervisors to DSPs. DSPs do not hold degrees, but are responsible for the daily care and training of the individuals. All DSPs and QMRPs are generally familiar with all the individuals and the individuals are familiar with each of the DSPs and QMRPs.

Due to an arrival of individuals new to the program (intakes) within a month or two of the survey, one of the indicators used was length of participation in the program. "Old participants" were the 22 individuals (76%) participating in the program over one year. "New participants" were the 7 individuals (24%) participating in the program less than one year. There were ten individuals (34%) who were male and 19 individuals (66%) who were female. Eleven individuals (38%) were in the age range of their lower 20's, twelve individuals (41%) were in the age range of their upper 20's, three individuals (10%) were in the age range of their 30's, and three individuals (10%) were in the age range of their 40's. Twelve individuals (41%) were Spanish, eight individuals (28%) were black, six individuals (21%) were white, and three individuals (10%) were other (Chinese or Native Pacific).

Method

The instructor of the Thinking Group found a self esteem survey from the Internet and applied. The survey was written by Ibex Management Limited (http://www.selfesteem4women.com). The instructor of the Thinking Group/QMRP was present as the tester.The Thinking Group consists of all individuals trained at the center dis-including those who are severely or profoundly retarded. The group meets once a week in the large multi-purpose room at the center and were comfortably seated around a set of six large tables in a U-shaped configuration. The group had been initiated to the group four years previously to talk about their thoughts and feelings over a variety of issues. One of the aspects of the group was to utilize critical thinking abilities to produce a sense of independence amongst the individuals. The survey was reported to be highly used by the general populous and found easily transferable to the group with certain alterations.

Questions on the survey (see appendix one) were rephrased to capture the essence of the questions asked, but would be more understandable to individuals at the moderate level, such that a question originally phrased, "How do you feel about the state of your health?" Would be rephrased, "Do you feel your health is very good, very bad or something in between?"

The responses were also simplified from the original survey. The original survey contained four responses for each question asking of specific details. The original test was also scored electronically. For example, an original survey set of responses might have been, "consistently ok, usually ok, often fed up, or constantly fed up." The new test contained only three responses (1, 2, and 3). And, it was hand written by the individuals utilizing pencil and paper and later scored by the tester who was familiar with the individual’s strengths and weakness’. The individuals were asked, "When you exercise, do you do it a real lot? Just a little bit, or so-so in the middle. Mark a 3 if you’ve exercised a real lot, mark a 1 if you exercised just a little bit, or if somewhere in between, mark a 2 for so-so or sometimes." In general it was found that questions regarding time and numbers such as amount and degree along with unfamiliar vocabulary were difficult for this population. All respondents were comfortable with the English language.

Questions and responses were often repeated, time was given for the individuals to talk over their responses orally with tester and peers, and responses were checked loosely by monitoring visually for a physical written answer to each question. For each of the two weeks, an hour was given to ask 20 questions at a rate of approximately 3 minutes apiece. The individuals knew they would receivefeedback from the tester regarding the survey after it was scored. The survey broke the 40 questions asked into eight question for each of the five areas. The five areas were 1) looking after yourself, 2) striving for a sense of security, 3) creating a positive self-image, 4) fostering good relationships, and 5) developing social/work confidence.

The survey appeared to be age and culture appropriate. The individuals were structured and observant during the initializing of each new question. Otherwise, the group was less formal with teasing, animation, and laughter. The group maintained steady interest and excitement in answering the survey, pondering their thoughts, and sharing similarities and differences. They were told there were no right or wrong answers. In this manner, each of the individuals could enjoy themselves whether or not his results would be utilized for testing purposes.

Discussion:

The self esteem of the individuals served at St. Rose Center was surveyed. It was hoped that the results of studying this survey could assist the Administrator and her staff in discerning the individuals developmental training needs. In addition, consciously or unconsciously the individuals at St. Rose Center had an experience of better defining themselves by owning their self concepts. Self esteem is being loosely defined as the level that the individual is aware and can appreciate self and the corresponding feelings of worth. The maturation of self is a goal of a healthy personality.

Self esteem allows the individual to sense who he is and his connectedness to others in a healthy manner. As the individual matures there is a shift from concrete physical attributes such as "my hair is black, I am tall" to attributes that are more abstract and self-controllable through mind or ego such as, "I am strong, I can solve problems." Competencies and skills are learned which allows us to feel unique and inspired.

Self concept determines behavior and relation to life. Concepts of self esteem, self image, and ego development are useful to the consciousness processes. This can occur by various self-rating methods. Concepts develop as the individual reacts to others in his environment including the comparison of self with peers. Identity crisis is not understanding independent and social roles. The state of feeling separate can lead to feelings of alienation. The alienated state can include feelingsof powerlessness, meaninglessness, normlessness, cultural estrangement, social isolation, and self estrangement.

Personality problems are due to unhealthy development and are characterized by anxiety, withdrawal, fearfulness, and aggressiveness. These states can be either internalized or externalized and lead to low levels of self esteem. This becomes very dysfunctional particularly in cases of self abuse or abuse by another in relationship.

Often it seems that people with mental retardation have barriers and limitations. They are tested more often than testing of applicable behavioral standards. This has a stunting affect. As boundaries are blurred, they loose potential to self-direct their lives. Self awareness and empathy are very important aspects of emotional development. They allow self interpretation of both self and others. Empathy follows awareness. Empathy is necessary to develop social relationships.

One of the first identities learned is sex-role identity. This is followed by social, ethnic, or religious identity. In the case of developmental disability an identity is also formed to compensate lower intellectual ability. The center works with young adults toward the knowledge that the individuals are all whole, but may be in need of supports, such as people to read, drive, pay bills, and cook. It is important that the individual comprehend his worth and not become crippled in a poor concept of self as a person less able. This is especially true in the larger community where judgments of skills and ability of people with mental retardation may be low. This can be overcome and healthy expectations formed by developing goals and relationships with people who are emotionally warm and caring and intellectually attuned.

The development of healthy self esteem is challenging. In order to function the individual must gather a coherent sense of self with boundaries, who can love and be loved. The individual ought ask the question, "Who am I?" This happens about the time the individual enters St. Rose Center and is asked as a young adult, "Which roles will you accept that will best support your sense of adult identity?" Expectations of self and other must be met. Formation questions include beliefs, attitudes and ideals. These are fed by a commitment to self worth and a commitment to the individual by others.

Naptime

Results:

Self Esteem information learned

Self Esteem information utilized

Summary:

Appendices:

Shwoo ... Really Fell Back Into the Self Esteem Stats :)

AOL has done something funny.  All strange latin symbols are just apostrophe's ... damn!

Good morning ... good morning! Another wonderful day up ahead. Blessed are Saturdays! We’ve just cleared our screen, turned on Philly radio to classical and have nothing that we have to do today ... Think we’ll be round for opera at 12:30 and perhaps turn on WTTW our PBS television station by 6:30. Our ex used to watch the McLaughlin Group ... Kind of feel a need to return to those roots. They’ve got some British type shows on after that then they are playing Robert Redford’s, "The Candidate" at 9. Not saying that I can stay up that late, but we could try. Maybe a nap later this morning. :) Yep, yep there goes our day. Maybe while we listen to the opera, Russian one today, we could pick up our book again on object relations. The only other thing left on the agenda would be to look over some figures from the client’s self esteem report we’ve been working on for the last couple of days.

Maybe we’ll start with those stats. Hold on let me get that and take the medicine ... Mmm more coffee too. Did I forget to mention that we have the inclination to do some writing this morning too? Yep, yep ... lovely day ahead. Hmm, bank, laundry and dishes? Eh, maybe tomorrow :)

I’m not sure how much we’ve talked of the client’s self esteem project we’ve talked of. Not much I think. Yesterday, I spent most the day with it, with the exception that I did some work with a new client. That will put us at 21 and the other Q at 28. She has more this year, but then we took up Staff Training. I think I got a pretty good deal. More on that later though. The Self Esteem test was given over two separate meetings of the Thinking Group. 41 individuals participated, but only 29 self generated reports were credible. I think this is a very good return considering the difficulty of the test and its scoring. They had to listen to 20 questions each week which meant a lot of concentration. About one question every three minutes. They were assisted with generous explanations as necessary and monitored for staying on time. They were also given time in between questions to chat with their peers. But, they had to be listening when the next question was asked. They responded by marking a 1, 2 or 3 on a sheet of paper that had listed the numbers 1-40.

The test was divided into 5 areas. They were: Area 1- fostering good relationships (27%), Area 2 - striving for a sense of security (25%), Area 3 - looking after yourself (18%), Area 4 - creating a positive self-image (17%), and Area 5 - developing social/work confidence (14%). There were 8 questions in each area. The questions were rated according to highest level of self esteem (positive response) to lowest level of self esteem (negative response). The questions ranged from 100% agreement to 50% agreement. The individuals were also ranked according to individuals who showed the most self-esteem to the least self-esteem. Those ranges were from 97% to 65%. Work was done to compile individual documents listing the areas the clients marked indicating low self esteem issues. And, a set of documents were written by area listing individuals who had low self-esteem issues on each of the specific questions. Next, for each area, statistics were compiled by DSP group, QMRP caseload, length of participation, gender, age and nationality. 

The responses to this effort has lead us to certain statistical conclusions.  Keep in mind that there were two fields being looked at.  The record indicates the one low and one high area for each sub-group.  And, the scores indicate having been ranked according to actual numbers or percentage of difference from the average percentage of people in each sub-group and in each of the five areas.  The most desirable records and scores contain low numbers and the least desirable records and scores contain high numbers.

No sub-group scored their best records in Area 1 toward "fostering good relationships." People on QMRP Caseload 1, aged in upper 20's, and who were black scored the low marks for "fostering good relationships. The sub-groups with the high records in this area were QMRP Caseload 2, Group 3, and people aged in their 30's. The high scores belonged to people on QMRP Caseload 2, aged in lower 20's, and who were White. This area included 50 negative responses.

The questions in Area 1 "fostering good relationships" included: 1) Can you do things without needing someone to say, "Good Job?" 2) Do you do your best not to ignore people, be late, or lie? 3) Are you ok if someone doesn’t like you? 4) If someone bothers you or hurts your feelings, can you be calm and walk away? 5) If someone were too close to you, could you walk away? 6) Do your friends cause you little stress? 7) Are you happy with the way you handle problems with your friends and family? 8) Do you feel good about people depending on you?

QMRP Caseload 1, females, people aged in upper 20's and the those with the nationality of "others" had their lowest records in Area 2 "striving for a sense of security." The sub-groups that scored the lowest scores were QMRP Caseload 1, people aged in their upper 20's, and Group 1A. The highest records belonged to QMRP Caseload 2, people aged in lower 20's & 40's, Group 1B, and males. The lowest scores belonged to QMRP Caseload 2, people who were Spanish and those aged in their low 20's and 40's. This area included 47 negative responses.

The questions in Area 2 "Striving for a Sense of Security" included: 1) Is it a good thing not to get jealous? 2) If you were in trouble, do you have someone who would take care of you? 3) Can you keep from getting jealous? 4) Are you good at taking care of your money? 5) Do you avoid feeling lonely? 6) Do you earn enough money to take care of yourself? 7) Do you feel good about the way you take care of money? 8) Do you feel good about the amount of money you make?

Group 1A and the older participating individuals had their lowest record in Area 3 "looking after your self." The lowest scores went to Group 1A, QMRP Caseload 1, and people aged in lower 20's. The highest records were scored by people who were black and who were new participants in the program. The highest scores were Group 2, QMRP Caseload 2 and people aged in 40's. This area included 34 negative responses.

The questions in Area 3 "Looking after yourself" included: 1) Do you feel good about the amount you exercise? 2) Do you exercise enough to make you happy? 3) Are you in good health? 4) When you worry, is it just a little? 5) Do you have cause to worrry now? 6) Do you feel happy about your health? 7) Do you feel good about your decision not to do cigarettes, alcohol and drugs? 8) Do you stay away from cigarettes, alcohol, drugs?

People aged in lower 20's, new participants, Spanish, Group 3, aged 30, Group 2, and QMRP Caseload 2 each had their lowest records in Area 4 "Creating a Positive Self Image." The lowest scores included those aged in their lower 20's, new participants, and Spanish. The sub-groups with the highest records were the older participants, people aged in upper 20's, whites, Group 1A, nationality (Other), and QMRP Caseload 1. The highest scores went to the older participants to the program, people aged upper 20's and people aged in 40's. This area included 32 negative responses.

The questions in Area 4 "Creating a Positive Self-Image" included: 1) Is it ok if someone thinks you look good? 2) Do you feel good about buying clothes for yourself? 3) Do you work hard getting ready for the day? 4) When you open your closet are you excited about what’s in there? 5) Do people tell you that you look really good? 6) Do you have nice clothes that you like? 7) Do you feel good when looking at yourself in the mirror? 8) When you go clothes shopping are you good at finding clothes?

The lowest records in Area 5 "developing social and work confidence" went to males, Group 1B, people who were black, older participants to the program, people who were White, and QMRP Caseload2. The lowest scores went to males, Group 1B, and people who were Black. The highest records included Group 2, females, people who were Spanish, and QMRP Caseload 1. The highest scores were from Group 2, females, and people who were Spanish. This area included 25 negative responses.

The questions in Area 5 "Developing Social/Work Confidence" included: 1) Are you ok with someone who seems better looking than you? 2) Are you nice to people who are bright and sparkly smart? 3) Do you feel good about being around people who are "up there" in popularity? 4) Do you feel good even when you are having a really hard talk with someone? 5) If someone nice says something nice to you can you say thank you? 6) Are you proud of yourself as a worker? 7) Do you feel good when people say nice things about you? 8) Do you feel hope in areas such as work, love, and life?

The least consistent scores were people who were Spanish, Group 2, males, people aged upper 20's, people who were black, people in their lower 20's, and Group 1B. The least consistent scores were to the advantage of people who were male, upper 20's, black, lower 20's and Group 1B. Least consistency was to the disadvantage of people who spoke Spanish and Group 2.

The most consistent scores were from QMRP Caseload 2, QMRP Caseload 1, people aged in 30's, Group 3, people who were White, and people given nationality of "other." Most consistent was to the advantage of QMRP Caseload 1, people aged in 30's, Group 3 and those given nationality of "other." Most consistent scores were to the disadvantage of QMRP Caseload 2, people who were White, and people who were aged in 40's.

The most favorible indicators of self esteem were QMRP caseload, DSP Group, and nationality. The least favorible indicators of self esteem were length of participation, age, and gender. The most favorible scenario was for the individual to be from DSP Group 1A, on QMRP Caseload 1, from the old group, male, in your 30's, and black. The least favorible scenario was for the individual to be from DSP Group 2, on QMRP Caseload 2, from the new group, female, in your 40's, and Spanish.

Teaching Priorities:  Highest Self Esteem has the lowest numbers/Lowest Self Esteem has the highest numbers

Groups:  1A is -27 (8 people 28%), 1B is -17 (11 people 38%), 3 is -5 (2 people 7%), 2 is 43 (8 people 28%).

Developing social/work confidence - 1B teaches 2 (-18/24)

Looking after self - 1A teaches 2 (-13/12)

Striving sense of confidence - 1A teaches 2 (-8/6)

Creating positive self image - 3 teaches 1A (-7/6)

Fostering good relationships - 1A teaches 3 (-4/5)

Caseload: QMRP Caseload 1 is 48 (people 45%), QMRP Caseload 2 is 50 (16 people 55%).

Striving sense of confidence - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-15/15)

Fostering Good Relationships - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-10/10)

Looking after self - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-9/9)

Create positive self image - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-7/7)

Developing social/work confidence - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-7/7)

Length of participation:  New is -8 (7 people 24%), Old is 9 (22 people 76%). 

Creating positive self image - New teaches old (-11/12)

Looking after self - Old teaches new (-6/6)

Striving sense of confidence - Old teaches new (-4/4)

Developing social/work confidence - New teaches old (-4/4)

Fostering good relationships - New teaches old (-3/3)

Gender:  Male is -24 (10 people 34%), Female is 24 (19 people 66%)

Developing social/work confidence - Male teaches females (-22/22)

Creating positive self image - Male teaches females (-3/3)

Striving sense of confidence - Female teaches males (-2/2)

Looking after self - Male teaches females (-2/2)

Fostering good relationships - Female teaches males (-1/1)

Age:  30's is -14 (3 people 10%), high 20's is -2 (12 people 41%), low 20's is 1 (11 people 38%), 40's is 20 (3 people 10%).

Creating positive image - Low 20's teach high 20's (-13/12)

Striving for self confidence - High 20's teach low 20's and 40's (-11/9)

Fostering good relationships - High 20's teach low 20's (-9/8)

Looking after self - Low 20's teach 40's (-9/8)

Developing social/work confidence - 40's teach low 20's (-6/6)

Nationality:  Black is -25 (8 people, 28%), Other is -2 (3 people, 10%), White is 8 (6 people 21%), Spanish is 23 (12 people 41%).

Developing social work confidence - Blacks teach Spanish (-16/19)

Striving for sense of confidence - Other teach Spanish (-6/12)

Creating positive self image - Spanish teach White (-10/7)

Fostering good relationships - Blacks teach White (-8/5)

Looking after self - Spanish teach Black (-6/7)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

155 point difference - most discrepancy

Developing social/work confidence - Male teaches females (-22/22)

Developing social/work confidence - 1B teaches 2 (-18/24)

Developing social/work confidence - Blacks teach Spanish (-16/19)

Developing social/work confidence - Caseload 1 teaches Caseload 2 (-7/7)

Developing social/work confidence - 40's teach low 20's (-6/6)

Developing social/work confidence - New teaches old (-4/4)

98 point difference - 2nd largest discrepancy

Creating positive self-image - Low 20's teach high 20's (-13/12)

Creating positive self-image - New teaches old (-11/12)

Creating positive self-image - Spanish teach White (-10/7)

Creating positive self-image - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-7/7)

Creating positive self-image - 3 teaches 1A (-7/6)

Creating positive self-image - Male teaches females (-3/3)

94 point difference - 3rd largest discrepancy

Striving for a sense of security - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-15/15)

Striving for a sense of security - High 20's teach low 20's and 40's (-11/9)

Striving for a sense of security - Other teach Spanish (-6/12)

Striving for a sense of security - 1A teaches 2 (-8/6)

Striving for a sense of security - Old teaches new (-4/4)

Striving for a sense of security - Female teaches males (-2/2)

89 point difference - 4th largest discrepancy

Looking after self - 1A teaches 2 (-13/12)

Looking after self - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-9/9)

Looking after self - Low 20's teach 40's (-9/8)

Looking after self - Spanish teach Black (-6/7)

Looking after self - Old teaches new (-6/6)

Looking after self - Male teaches females (-2/2)

67 point difference - 5th largest discrepancy

Fostering good relationships - QMRP Caseload 1 teaches QMRP Caseload 2 (-10/10)

Fostering good relationships - High 20's teach low 20's (-9/8)

Fostering good relationships - Blacks teach White (-8/5)

Fostering good relationships - 1A teaches 3 (-4/5)

Fostering good relationships - New teaches old (-3/3)

Fostering good relationships - Female teaches males (-1/1)

I knew Him Back as a Young Pup

Yeah Vince!  You are star material!  Congrats on the week :)

Warmin Up to the Day

Good morning.  Just us.  We’re putzing around here.  We seem a little foggy.  Hmm, maybe coffee would help?  Hold on.  Better.  Ran into a couple of kitties on the trip ... They seem to be just hanging around at odd places.  Hmm, were they waiting for us?  Still moving a little slow ... We’re finding that PBS news is more distracting than not ... Hate to say it, but we don’t find much interest in Texas politics.   

As far as yesterday goes?  I think we had an ok day.  We weren’t happy with the Dr. M. session.  We were doing more reporting than talking (except for last 5 minutes) and that always drives certain parts bonkers.  And, then at work, we stayed too long and got some stuff done, but made other parts cranky.  Sometimes, ya just can’t win.   

Today?  Hmm, seems like there is plenty of work to do.  We’re finished now with the DSP’s Chronological reports from when we were subbing.  Now the thing is to get caught up on the self-esteem reports from the Thinking Group.  Like to draw that to a conclusion.  I know that I’m even further behind in my Qnotes and I have another couple staffings coming up that I should start to prepare for.  Should be a quiet office day today.  I did try something new in that I ate lunch with some of the staff yesterday.  That was kinda nice.  I’d gone in to get my food from the fridge and they didn’t have the TV on ... YAYYYY.  One of the DSPs has been real good at saying, “Oh are you going to join us?”  I think she is sincere.  I don’t know how much we change the constitution of the group, but it seemed that most were just listening and teasing the newest and youngest DSP.  Hehe ... she was having a hard life yesterday.  Maybe we’ll do that again today.   

Oh yeah!  One more thing ... I’m going to schedule tomorrow off ... we forgot to tell that to Sr. Tess.  Better do that today.  It will be the 11th Anniversary of having a personal relationship with our friend.  He says he’s going to take off most the day and we get to take a scenic ride up north in his new car.  We’ve done this before ... Usually it means a nice picnic lunch somewhere pretty.  YAYYYY for that too!  Umm, yes some negotiating was done to get this special gift.  I found it easier to remind our friend the week before that something special could be arranged.  Now as it is drawing near, we’re finding ourselves very excited.  I love long pretty car rides especially in the fall!  Maybe we’ll make it to Wisconsin this year :)  

Our friend has been complaining ... He has this wonderful new car ... the Honda Accord fully loaded.  With it ... he’s got a new computer friend.  Her name is Selma.  I think he is actually very proud of her, but he says she is always telling him what to. *Sigh* They’ll adjust, I’m pretty sure.  She sure is a good looker!  He’s got to accept that he asked for advice ... such as, “Selma tell me how to get to ...”  Maybe we’ll have a good talk with her tomorrow ... we’ll see how she reacts to being left in the parking lot as we set out our lunch else where :) Like easy girl, easy ...  

That’s about it ... Miss Kitty is here giving me a few directions of her own.  She asks, “Almost time for a shower?”  Funny, we’re almost feeling a little more ready to get into and past the day.  See you later :)

Whadda Day

Morning, morning ... Hehe it’s now the day after. What a day young Miss Abby and us had. There was only about 7-8 minutes out of 5 hours that she was in "rest" mode. This is the cuddle time with no squiggling! Hmm, one thing at a time though. We’ve been up for almost a couple of hours now. Most the time has been spent trying to figure out how to get in the members only over at Disney. We umm, still haven’t gotten it. I think it is because my Internet Explorer isn’t working and I need that browser opposed to the AOL one. I might have messed that up quite a while ago. I’ll do some more experimenting after we get to work this morning. Maybe if that works, I will be able to send some information over to my daughter-in-law too. I am allowed by "membership" rights to include 5 accounts total for other family members. I hope it works, or I will ask for a refund. Makes sense, right?

The Disney.com site took up a good couple hours of our day. This happened with the free parts of the site. Make no error here ... Disney is a for-profit company! There wasn’t anything my Granddaughter didn’t know about them. She knew all the characters of both their television shows and movies. Most of the ones we were playing seemed to be designed for a three year old and maybe a little higher. She is very good with a mouse and did quite a bit of dragging and dropping. The only thing she failed to drag was an image of a big shark into an aquatic activity. So ... who is it that has taught her already that sharks are the bad guy? Hmm, Disney? She wanted to know what they ate and what came to mind was "little fish." Now thinking about it afterward, maybe she had expected me to say her! Yeeks! There were a few silly times when I thought I was going to take over the keyboard ... hmm, that didn’t work well. Usually I just use the touch pad, but my son had connected a mouse for her. If I used the mouse, she’d use the touch pad and vice versa. We tried to use words like "stop," "wait," and "hold-on" with limited success. In her world everything seems to move ... I’m pretty sure. We’ll have to work on matching speeds ...

I stuck pretty close to her side, or she mine throughout the day ... I became her captivated audience and everything she did was fascinating! Mind you not always pleasurable. Hmm, umm Grandma’s got to put her foot down? Not sure how to approach this. Like I’m probably not supposed to let her jump and do somersault over the couch? Just she was being very joyous. I’m not so sure on the official ruling of throwing Nerf balls either, hehe ahh V’s signed on, we’ll ask him!

Ahh, very good ... The matter has been discussed ... ruling on couch behavior is that fun is ok! Goes the same with leaving bread crumbs and following certain Grandmothers into the bathroom. She sure does like all the pillows and cushions on the couch. Heheh, she also liked looking at me through our glass coffee table from the bottom up! We made sure she was well fed and decided to forego nap period. I was made to understand later that that 7-8 minute slow-down was enough to refill her with energy. That’s when she reached for her little blanky and doll named Elizabeth. Elizabeth is the name she is giving her baby sister who is not even conceived yet. We’re told this has to be the parents decision ... go figure! We were playing hide and seek when her parent’s came to retrieve her. She was happy that we were fooling them. Told Mom and Dad that we didn’t know what had become of their child. Maybe could have fooled them, but that moving bump under the sheet looked surprisingly familiar to them. Ah well ... we tried.

I was proud that when it came time to go ... Abby didn’t want to leave. But, then after the extra nuggets and fries were packed she was good to go. Hehehe she also wanted the coins and football we’d played with. I firmly believe a girls gotta start a dowry at some point! It seems that we are going to be that kind of Grandma that doesn’t say no too often. Hmm, except for the part where I get 5 minutes to myself to take care of any computer problems that started. Abby was hesitant to give up her control of the keyboard to the amount of time necessary to troubleshoot. I wonder if love of computer can be passed on genetically...

Hmm ... Maybe we should shoot for just one more hour of sleep ... have so many thoughts we’re starting to confuse ourselves again :)

Shoot What a Day

Good Morning, Good Morning
... Another beautiful day set ahead :) Don’t know what got into us yesterday, but apparently it was one more for relaxing than for work. I had really meant to be writing more than playing, but that never panned out. Eh, what can a person do? So as it turns out it was a shopping day :) Shoot smiles all over the place here. Fortunately, its only 6 more days until payday. We figure by Friday or so? Pam ... I hear you on those boots, I sure did try. They look so sharp on the models, but regretfully, my calf was an inch larger than could be accommodated. Maybe one day. Hehe we studied the foot of the model for that $1,000 coat you seemed to like. I believe her to be a contortionist cuz believe me, that isn’t the way my foot is shaped or formed. I figure first lets get us out of tennis shoes, and then we’ll see where it goes from there! Guessing already though that the closer we stay to Earth the better off we’ll be.
Well, the big news is that ...
we are going to be babysitting! We’ve waited a little over 3 ½ years for this day and now that it is here, I don’t know what to make of it. Macadam called and said that he and his wife wanted to take a Sunday class that was going to take three hours a day for the next 26 weeks. We’ll find out in a little while whether it is the right program for them, but in the meantime they’ve decided to try me out. As it is the maternal Grandmother is already sitting during the weekdays, and they didn’t think the step-Grandmother could commit to the time. Yep, yep ... that leaves me! I think its been very difficult on all of us and will most likely continue for a while. The situation of me being a multiple seems to be the biggest problem. Not as much for me, because we’re fairly used to how we are and have raised three children, but with them and in particular my son’s wife. I’m thinking she has figured we have two horns and pointy tail. Yeeks, now we’re scarring ourselves. We’ve parts that I’ve just insulted. Sorry ‘bout that. Little frustration here, be nice, be nice... Yesterday, we backed up our position. We told our son in IM that we had been a Girl Scout for eleven years, take CPR/First Aid once a year, and had gotten our babysitting certificate when we were ten years old. He said, "Thanks, that helps ... I’ll tell my wife." Hmm, I wonder if these people know that I’m in charge of teaching developmental training to seven staff and 50 clients for a living. I know, I know ... I think we didn’t mean to go exactly there ... just a little pent up frustration. It’s been hard to live with that little amount of trust. It’s hurt not to have a real direct relationship with my Granddaughter these last years. It’s worse with my Grandson. I was told by his mother that she wouldn’t ever allow me to be alone in the same room with him, because she thought we were crazy. Her words were more harsh. I haven’t seen our Grandson now for about three and a half years. The mother had in that time also broken apart from my son and was with someone else. Kinda thing that breaks hearts. I have fantasies of meeting him after he turns of age. On the brighter side ... I am going to be with my Granddaughter, maybe regularly, AND it starts today! I had to start up a whole new line of thinking. Even before we got to our issues of cleaning, we had to think through the food situation. It’s been awhile since there were things of value in the fridge. So, we placed an order that should hold us for a couple of weeks. Might I add that it includes fruit cups, chicken nuggets, french fries, and ketchup?! Macadam says, I can’t go wrong with these things. I am going to need break down my mental barriers of using the oven. *Sigh* We can do this, right? It’s for the Granddaughter! We put in the order last night and it is expected to be delivered today somewhere between 9:30 and 1:00. Our angel will be here right about 1:00, so we’re looking good. Next thing to be addressed will be some housekeeping. Hehe we asked Macadam if she likes to Swiffer! Thought it might be an activity for the both of us, though we’re thinking she’s a little short for that yet! Now, for some thoughts more fun ... I have to figure out all these new exiting thoughts. I have a degree in psychology and my focus was in human development ... I use these skills everyday in my work, but now we’re talking about a relationship with a 3 ½ year old whom I happen to love very much. All the rules are where? Have they changed? In our minds, we want to set up the ideal situation. There is one aspect that we can’t disregard. We still can’t stand/walk for more than 6-8 minutes at a time and our ability to carry is much minimalized, so the aspects of "doing" a lot of physical activity is very low. Most often, it will be as it is in work where we establish the client’s structure without being able to be more than an observationalist. This doesn’t keep up from instructing/learning, but it does affect our mobility with them. I have found over the last couple weeks of Abby being here that I can come to her when she says, "Grammy come here," But, after we get to where she is indicating we’re soon sitting down again trying to conserve energy. For quite a while, there are things I won’t be able to do such as take her for a walk around the block or for a trip to the zoo. Maybe by next year, she’ll be old enough to go with me where I walk from bench to bench while she’s peering into the exhibits that are within near proximity. We’d stil have to avoid situations where there were lines. *Sigh* we can worry about this next year though. For the next 6 months, we need to concentrate on activities within the house. I don’t have very many recognizable toys ... but, with a little imagination there are always things to be doing. What I do have a lot of is books. Last time I was able to captivate her interest in the book on Gnomes. That was enjoyable to both of us. We also have a book on stories from the Brothers Grimm, but I didn’t think it fair that she should be introduced to such violence. Yeeks! They frighten even us!! I also think we have a couple of coloring books, but I’m not so sure of our crayon status. I know though where the colored markers and pencils are :) Hmm, I think in not so future distance, we’re going to want some kind of dolls in the house. Sure do wish I could at least get into the boxes where the boys stuffed animals are kept. Abby’s at a very creative age where she can make transferences. Hehe we had last talked about her skittles as having names and personalities that didn’t want to get eaten. Gotta love this stuff! I think today we should look harder for them boxes of stuffed animals which means going through the big bedroom closet, then the other point will be to let her explore so she knows what is available in the apartment. I remember very explicitly the excitement of going to a Grandmothers where we were allowed to open drawers and cabinets. Hmm, remember the one that contained a large box of pencils and alphabet stencils. That was our favorite. Umm, well beside the cookies. I didn’t order cookies though ... very content with fruit cups without added sugar! We plan to eventually introduce her to our Grocery Delivery Service on the computer. We’re big advocates of choice :) Hmm, how hard would it be to get a stamp pad. I know I have lots of alphabet stampers that could be colored in. Hmm, maybe at the drug store? Let’s see stamp pad, color crayons, calculator tape, and safety scissors. All good. Hmm, many hours later ... That was some break in the action. We got some good tips from Vince and took a three hour nap in the mix. *Giggle* umm, that was one of V’s tips! Well maybe not three hours, but certainly a nap. Another hint was to have Macadam bring one of Abby’s favorite video’s just in case. We’ll have to wait and see if he signs on for that one. Still have no phone. We did ask Macadam yesterday to leave either his phone or Lee’s in case of emergency. We’d also talked about getting me a cell phone, but it only went so far. Eh ... come time. V also found a wonderful website I wasn’t familiar with over at the world of Disney.com. Shoot, we all umm test ran that baby for a while ... Let me tell you its hard to zap a moving Flying Fish! But, we surpassed ... needed an "F." :) We’re back to our 15 minutes break and 7 minutes work ... Figure that’ll help spare the back. Should have our football guys on in a few minutes too. They always seem to lighten our load. Just gotta get past the shower and kitty litter. Maybe do that darn litter next. Hmm, maybe just litter and garbage the next effort. We’ve already cleared out stray dishes and gotten them soaking in the sink. It’s really bad ... we only used stray a couple cups and silverware. Most of these are from when Macadam and Abby were here last week. Somehow these tasks seem to evade us. Shoot, it have been like wiping out our memory of them! Oh. Another sorry excuse? Yah. I know. Sorry. Ok, clocks wearing down ... first get the garbage bag. Empty litter. Sweep/mop. Gather garbage. Set up new bags. Yeeks times up ... Gotta go. *Sigh* That’s all done ... REST Hmm, Missy isn’t so happy. She’s got to wait for the floor dries before I put her litter box back ... Poor kid. I know she’s going to spend most her day hiding. Not much can be done about that. Let’s see ... what’s next? Maybe I should be folding blankets and making beds? Or, should I sneak in my shower now. We’re on wait for the grocery delivery guy ... so that whole deal is making us feel a little pensive. He could come any time between now and 1 pm. 1 pm is also about when we’re expecting Macadam and family. Maybe I better get shower done sooner than later. Yep, yep ... lotta hair to drip dry! The grocery deal was a low budget plan not to spendonly about $125. Figure that should last a couple of weeks. We were putting it off and putting it off by eating out too many Whoppers. But, that’s no good for someone who has a Granddaughter coming over. I asked Macadam about the dinner situation and he said ... you can’t go wrong with chicken nuggets and fries. So that’s what we ordered. Plus we have coming the fruit cups and orange juice. Oh and ketchup! That’s the whole secret ... he says she loves to dip! Got some special dipping chips too though I’m not sure she wants to put ketchup in them too? Seems pretty weird. For us? We found a special treat. I hadn’t realized they’d sold those little tiny loafs a bread for carving out and adding soup or hot stuff. Pretty cool I think! We ordered like a tuna casserole one week and a stuffed pepper for the second week. Both we figured would taste great served inside the bread bowl. We’ll have that when cherub face is dipping! Hehehe Figure it might encourage us also to get over our horror in turning on oven or microwave. *Groan* We’re in a little quandary over our scheduling for the afternoon ... We knew we were going to follow Abby to her heart’s content, but V was pretty strong in his thoughts we should be playing more than working which is including teaching/learning lessons. We’ve got to work that out ... our thoughts so far is that the boundaries blur. Work is play and play is work. But, we need to go over the theory in general. Ahh done with our shower and we’re dressed ... whoops better get shoes on too. One more moment please.
Man-o-man things are happening need to run!

A luxurious Saturday Yahoo!

We're still writing, but wanted to put this out for thought?  Nice?

• Long, full, sweeping style
• Flattering A-line shape
• Inverted back pleat                         

This full, sweeping coat makes a timely fashion statement in trend-right black wool. The A-line shape with an inverted back pleat creates a flattering silhouette. Roomy raglan sleeves with turn-back cuffs add to the comfortable fit. Details include welt pockets and shoulder pads for shape. 53" long. Acrylic/wool/polyester. Dry clean only. Imported from Italy.

Pam ... Pam ... Save me from myself!  SOS!!!

         

Ok ok ... bring credit card down stairs.  I'm done shopping now, I really am.  Damn if it isn't fun though!

Pam ... we hear you ... we've spent this last hour shopping FOR you.  Umm, results very mixed.  I was looking at what is called, "Swing Coats," like mine.  Think its meant for older woman to twirl :)  This is what we found in your size.  :)  Budget? 

       

$1,000 for first coat ... $475 for second coat ... and $12 for last ... Think we could help you in cost ... you like pink?  LOVE YOU!!

Middle of the Morning

 

Morning … morning …Getting a little break here in our day.  I didn’t take the opportunity to write earlier, but I’m feeling a strong need to now even though we’re at work.  Today, I still am substituting for our Group 2.  I’ve been with them for their first hour of the day, but now they have about an hour in chapel.  The local Priest comes to say the mass every Friday.  He’s one of the good guys and I think most of the individuals appreciate his sermons.  They are usually fun and meaningful. 

 

There are other things going on in our head now to sort out … Today there are eleven individuals in the group.  The first hour we got to know each other a little better.  On the surface they each work on their own jigsaw puzzle.  While they are doing that, I take copious notes.  Just love doing that.  Being observational is one of my favorite duties.  During the hour of course, there are a jillion and two things going on in the room.  People come in one and two at a time and adjust themselves.  They are to accept a task, but in the process there is talking and issues to be gone over.  There is also a balancing of power.  For the last couple of days, I found out, they’d switched theseating order on us.  Shoot … where were we?  Eh, littlething.  There are ten females in the group and one male.  I know poor odds all around! 

 

There is a balance of time and attention and an undercurrent.  The balance part may be more a matter of power struggle.  The one who causes the most disturbances has the most attention sought - usually in a negative way.  There is differences too in that I know most the older clients, but there are the new clients to adjust to and they need to adjust to us.  They’ve all been hanging together for the last two months and have pretty much got the pecking order down.  And my!  They do peck at each other.  We’ve already had to institute the “Be nice” rule.  One of the girls in particular is a little bit of a dare devil hot shot, although on the outside, she pretends to be very female in a helpless manner.  I think she purports to control the room and in general does that by leading others astray with her.  We’ve decided to go straight forward with her and call a spade by a spade.  After she acted out this morning, we told her that over the last couple of days we’ve noted a little mean streak in her.  Then we told her we’d be paying attention to that and calling her on it.  She seems to have understood because she’s challenging me now as an authority.  I think this is great news, because its best she deal with me directlythan sabotaging the group as a whole.

 

We have another one who is the brightest of the group … Her I worry about in that she seems to be down without sense of hope.  I think she realizes that she is the smartest one too, by far.  So the goal today with her will be to encourage her intelligence instead of trying to have her fit in with the group.  She is and should be a leader.  She should also be moved up to the higher group and given a job, but those aren’t the kind of cards I hold.  She’s not even on my caseload … so we’ll have to settle for the best we can in the hour after they are back from chapel.  I also have the Thinking Group today.  There will be some time to plot and plan there.  I’m actually looking forward to it, while before I couldn’t see past the point that it hurts our back to be standing as much as we do.  But, with 40 clients, there are too many to just sit in one place.  Need to roam and keep up with all the distractions.  I think today, we’ll finish an exercise I started last time on testing self-esteem. 

 

I think I am doing a lot more “controlling” in the group than I would have wished for.  Mostly likely do to the amount of testing we are receiving.  I am a pretty fun teacher … Most likely more than any other of the staff, but we have our expectations.  I don’t like goofing around during work time.  I do like to have fun with thework, but all as a group with everyone on the same page.  If there are too many subplots nothing gets accomplished.  Part of this effort is trying to understand where each of them is at.  After two days, I have a pretty good grasp of their intellectual levels.  Today, we explained carefully that one individual I knew could work on harder puzzles, while I knew others needed easier puzzles.  One of the hardest parts with this group is making sure that they are “On each other.”  There’s a lot of negative stuff going around and between the old and new people there are smaller groups formed of the “popular people” and the others.  There is also a third group formed of people who are a little different.  Usually this means that people with real mental problems get ostracized.  There is also quite a lack of control over the situation of boy and girl friends.  The “popular” group wants to make up their own schedule.  Hehe – they shall learn.  The Center has an agenda all our own.  I don’t think they have any idea just how smart we are … sure fun changing that ideal.  We can take em to the skies the limit!

 

Hmm, better get back to work.

Sub Work Ahead

Morning ... We’ve just 20 minutes this morning. Feeling better than yesterday. It’s a Dr. M. Day today which includes eating ChiNeSE! Yayyyyy! Dr. M. wrote yesterday to say that he’s switched over to the new office. That is going to take a little time adjusting to. On Monday, he walked us down to it (First floor) to show us how to get there. We have to go past offices and a second door and then there are all these cubicle offices. He was just able to show us the door. Then a lady came out of the office next to his and Dr. M. explained to us that she was his assistant. We had regressed in age though and weren’t able to talk. Then when we got in the hall near the elevators, we were able to exclaim, "You have your own assitant??" He smiled real funny, held out his fingers and said, "Actually, I have three assistants." He said in defense that the job has a lot of paperwork. We were pretty proud of him. But, then we said that it was too bad he was losing his corner office, because we’d noted seemed wrong. But, THEN he said somehow that he did have a corner office and that from where we’d seen the office went way back. Oh man-o-man ... we figure he sure must be pretty good! Somehow now, we just have to sort of handle it all. We should be ok in the long run ... just the short run will be tense. This is the 5th office change we’ve gone through with him. Always is moving up!

Yesterday the most remarkable thing was ... we had to do some substituting for a missing DSP. We’re not sure if she is going to ever come back. We’re sorta hoping not. She’s the one who is always behind in her paperwork. One way or another ... we had some fun doing her group. We followed her schedule and did an exercise in self esteem, physical fitness, and workshop skills. In the process, we gave them 4 different tests. Five of the group are new to us since September and we wanted to find out where they stood on things. It was a good session. I’m hoping we get some time to write up our first impressions before we are given another assignment with them. But Margarita the normal sub has flown overnight to Guatemala for three weeks. Pretty good chance we’ll be spending more time in there today. Pretty good, pretty good. What’s life without some challenge!

Runnin

Morning ... morning ... Just us. Not so sure what to say this morning. Feeling a little down over the last couple of days. Should have figured it, because we were up so high. Hard to sustain those kind of feelings. Maybe too, because our friend stopped over last night ... one of those in then out kinda nights where he didn’t even have time to eat over or really talk past surface level. I thought we’d be able to let it go, but the situation is caught up in one of those female things where he’s not remembering its our anniversary coming up next week. It’ll be a friendship that has lasted 11 years, but one that’s being taken for granted. His solution was to say that he doesn’t pay attention to those kinds of things which translates to at least this female as he doesn’t have to pay attention to us either. Kind of makes me feel a little gloomy. *Sigh* Maybe best to say he’s in the doghouse and be moving on.

Maybe I’m going to rest longer ... not shaking this off so well.

Oh oh ... now we’ve overslept ... somebody better get going *gulp*

A Delight! Pure Delight!

I don’t know ... you see I figure there are wonderful days ... then there are more wonderful days and it seems hardly believable they can all be stacked in on slim weekend! The day? Yesterday Macadam and Granddaughter Abby came to spend some time. The surprising part? They spent an entire 7 hours that was not expected in the least! LOL I’ve only got 20 minutes to write, so I’m no where close to thinking I could convey the whole story, but man! What a whirlwind lovable day! I think Pooh described them best ... he said, "It was a blustery day!"

Maybe best I leave a few markers ... Hmm, I guess first would be that things were staged around the ball games that were on. We watched a football game and two baseball games ... well some of the last one ... it was just starting when they left, I fell asleep to it, then woke up very early in the morning and watched the overtime innings and Boston finally earning a win. Macadam is a very strong sports fan in the Ray Romano style. He says there are 20 teams and its very apparent that he knows the players on each team, because during the time Miss Wonderful was napping on my bed he showed me some of the 20 some fantasy games he was involved with. Gosh ... he could make this a second job! He says that during the middle of the day at work, there’s not much to do ... I guess he doesn’t like trading at those times, so instead he invests himself in working on the games. Macadam inherited my love of statistics and he knows each week who is up and down of the players ... what he showed me he is doing in addition just floored me. He taken on my multiplicity and plays the owner, general manager, and coach and has multiplyingly invested himself and "staff" in a group that includes publishing his own "newspaper." What he is doing is challenging the other players of one of his favorite fantacy leagues to responding to his opinions and predictions. He reads the regular sports news and associates it to the "play." His group includes his own recruiters and reporters and associated press members.

I’d like to think of this more ... but I’m running short of time now ... and haven’t barely mentioned the time spent with Abby. Basically, after not doing such for quite a while, I was inoculated with pure mothering again. Shoot, didn’t know I had it still in me. The deal seems to have been between Macadam, Abby, and the kitties to spread attentionto all. While Abby was up, she was primary though she was ableto busy herself somewhat. This time she wanted to show Grandma things she was doing on the computer. A couple of highlights? She spelled her name when cued by the computer - accurately! Never had done that before. She trusted me to talk instead of crying when she wanted something. And, even though being toilet trained was new since last week, when it came time to take care of business, she asked Grammy Ann to help her! Man-o-man if that didn’t win some favor! LOL Every swerve she made and bustle of hair went with notice. She moves as smooth as a ribbon in the wind! She let me read to her and she and I watched her father baking and she fed me baby chips after the nap.

Please realize I’m going to want to ... go on and on with this. *Sigh* but lacking of time you all get a reprieve! Little one ... did I mention she brought me her artwork!?? LOL Yep, yep ... Ladies and Gentlemen with children ... the older they get the more family you are likely to have. Rejoice!

A More Merry a Day there could never be!

Fanfare <--- Press

 

Morning! Morning! So happy, so happy! Hehehe ... this is the part where you get to sit back and hear a proud mama bragging about the most wonderful fall day with a couple of her kids :) Yesterday, we traveled to my sons school to watch him cheerlead with his squad.  Hehe, we had to be sent the score to the game, cuz we forgot to pay attention to that. We knew we won though! The final score was 42-10 US! Ok, Ok ... maybe the 28 points in the third quarter were a little extravagent :) We’re following a theory though that it was all because of the great cheering that our son, Jacob, and the other cheerleaders were doing. Hehehe. This was the best kind of day a mother could have because she was sitting next to one beloved son cheering on the other beloved son. There’s just a little aching hole, because one beloved son is still holding back, but yesterday we were very, very appreciative of the ones before us!

The first few moments were odd ... This is the part where all your company shows up exactly at the same correct time. Ya-hoo! There were four of us going.  My friend Margarita and I had just one beer, but #1 son decided that he should drive the women. It was like ... ok! Thanks! There was great conversations to start with and this continued all through the day. Nice hour long car ride each way too, It took a while to drive past the cities, but after a while we were slicing through tall cornfields. Seemed like Macadam, Margarita, and Ms Nancy (Margarita’s young daughter - Age 10) hit it off tremendously. There wasn’t a lot of direct talk between them, but they both maintained an interest as the other talked. Very happy for that, cuz you never know how its going to go.

We got to the football game and seated ... within 15 minutes start of the game which was perfect! Jacob had gotten us seats in the disabled section so it was pretty cool. The seats are on the platform area directly between the bleachers and the rail over looking the game. We sat on two-seater benches about 5 feet away from each other and there was about 6 feet between us and the stands. To the right of us, we had our own private police escort.Well, maybe she was more like looking up and watching the crowds, but we got to talking a few times and she was a pretty smiley kind of person and in a good mood all considering. We had brought three warm blankets and that turned out to be a blessing. Cuzit was a wind chill reading below 32 degrees. Brrr 30-40 mile breeze ... Eh we’re sturdy Chicago people!  After half time, we also found the sandwiches and hot coffee they sell.  There was one other nice thing about here. They were real nice.  The ticket people arranged to get us a scooter on the way to the bleachers. On the trip back to the car after the game, we needed though to walk with a couple of short breaks.  But that or the wind, could not damper the spirit or excitement of what was happening.

Fightsong <-- Press

  To start the game ... we got to listen and watch all the fascinating things happening. There is all that green umm Astra-turf (looked pretty), colorful people, flags, bands, school mascots and the players and cheerleaders! Everything is brilliant with clarity, the air is fresh, the sounds and moods vibrating, the smells of food being heated a short distance away, and loud cheering students in back of us (parents were on the other side) hehe. We learned a new term, the fans screamed, "You suck, you suck!" My Macadam heard this also, looked at me and said plainly, "If you try to do something about this, I will leave!" We smiled as if a caught trout and thought, "My they’re exuberant!" Needless to say the ten year old was fascinated! We’re all under our blankets, and coats, and layers, and hats and gloves, and she turns round backward and stares curiously at the six shirtless males with letters painted across the chest and thinks, hmm, I don't know ... what might a young mind ponder?? We joined the other fans in that as we had entered the stadium, we’d been given long red umm bonkers? They looked like long expensive sausage balloons that you filled with air to clap against each other making loud resonant noises. They also made interesting airplanes as a diversionary plot as the crowd grew more restless.

Watching our Jacob was tremendously satisfying ... they started at the end of the field doing all their official stances as the crowd stood to sing the school song and the National Anthem. There were military people standing at attention and then soon later a few short speeches made welcoming the members of homecoming students and families. There were four people inducted to their Hall of Fame, oh yeah and the marching band, cheerleaders, flag girls and dance squads had all outlined the field to form a path for the home team to enter. That was before the other stuff. There was sooo much to watch and see. And, they had one of those big screen things and an announcer who spoke clearly all the important plays. I had thought at first there was 32,000 people, but maybe that number was lower ... I’m not so good on numbers, but knew the stands were filled to the sky and they had said it was the second most attended homecoming game of the school’s history. Should say here that this college is one of those big State Universities playing against a Michigan team. But, you already heard ... "They sucked!"  Hmm, maybe next time we should sit on the parent's side...

The Game itself was very interesting ... Do you know that if the ground is cold and hard enough a football player will actually bounce on the ground! Yeeks and kadoodle! There’s reasons why some of us mothers are just as happy to see our sons and daughters in gymnastics! Hehe that’s how our son and his best friend got their posts in cheerleading. Need to keep those pretty girls in the air! In all my imagination I couldn’t think to have been a football players mom through elementary, high school, then college play. Just bodies and bodies strewn all over the field! But, ya know ... when one of our guys grabbed one of their guys around the knees and pulled him flat down and then dropped a dozen heavy men on his back, we cheered too! I discovered that in college there is more running than throwing ... was a little disappointed there, but some of the runs were pretty outstanding ... and that little 39 guy, we think they way abused him!  They kept throwing him the ball and then as a crowd would jump him!  Macadam explained some of the game as happened but we’re still getting confused on positions ... and fact is ... I had never realized the kicker had his own special little team ... go figure!

Hail <-- Press

  In my opinion, they don’t dress those kids warm enough though ... I could see lots of arms and calves exposed to the cold weather. My son Macadam and I had a conversation on his thoughts of the girls not wearning their handy-dandy little dresses and bare midriffs. Shoot, we thought isn’t it bad enough their in those skimpy wind-breakers and have no hats! But, he kept shouting, "More middles, more middles!" Hehe that lead to of course a conversation on his having a wife! He said something like, he likes her middle too!  And, then after the game ... when we’d gone out for dinner, my two sons and their adopted brother carried on a perfectly far-fetched conversation outlining the details of each of these pretty girls, umm middles ... oh and their minds too! Double Hmmm. But, we’re jumping ahead of ourselves...

Jacob and the other cheerleaders ... did a marvelous job! They performed lots of backward flips and routines to get girls up to four levels high. My son didn’t point out the one who held out her elbows coming down that gave him those fancy stitches under his eye.  He's never been one to tell tales out of school. I think my favorite memory more than even the fancy tricks were the ones of Jacob doing the cheering while looking up into the stadium stands holding his megaphone. Jacob stands at the end of the line and was the first one to do each of their tasks such as running out to the field with flags or huskies, or starting the push-ups that the squad does for every point gained by the football players. The thing is ... I had him perfectly silhouetted in my view. What I was seeing was a strong handsome male who looks "All-American" standing in front of thousands of people motivating them to cheer louder and louder.  And, this person was my wonderful son!  He looked alive and happy and in control of his ambitions. Just could bring a mom to tears. It was kind of funny ... at one point the cheerleading squad stretches itself down the length of the field and they throw into the stands wrapped t-shirts which people lunge at. Jacob placed himself in front of us and threw one of his t-shirts to his brother. Couldn’t have made his older brother more happy, or more proud.  I listened in this sense of heightened pride as Macadam explained it to our friend the woman policeman.  She had moaned loudly for not having grabbed herself the shirt.  Macadam didn't stop beaming as he told her that he was special because he was Jacob’s brother. Nothing she could do except say, "Awe..."

After the game was over ... we all met up and packed ourselves into my Grand Am that was a person or two small ... Hehehe no one complained and I think some felt fortunate to be warming themselves up against another. Jacob remembered he had ate at a restaurant that he had liked. And just like my Jacob, he couldn’t remember which street he had left this wonderful meal.  The three boys worked to piece it together. Shoot this #3 son is so much like his "confused" mama with street directions! That’s why people like us let people like #1 son drive! I should have figured Jacob would take us to a reasonably priced restaurant ... that is in his collegiate style. The other boys have already gone on to enjoying fancier meals. God Bless them all! The food was sufficient, the hot chocolate warm and the chatter never ended! I got in my fair share of catching up with college-son type questions ... you know ... How’s your money holding up?  How’s your grades?  Do you have a girl friend!??  Then we quizzed his best buddy of the same ... He's long since been part of our family! Then we let Macadam take over the lead. They are a marvelous conversationalists. Macadam and #2 missing son Tanner are down at the Chicago Board of Trade and Jacob the psychology major and his friend the accounting major will be joining the first two brothers at the board as soon as they graduate in about two years.  It’s something to hear them in their young adulthood making strategies to take on their full adulthood. They talk of skills and aptitudes and thousands of dollars as if no more extracting than a game of Monopoly.

Drum <-- Press

  And us? We remember for a moment the days of having served them and their buddies cookies and lemonade and the board game had pieces, disks and dice. We figure ... they are still our wonderful boys and there is absolutely nothing in this world that could make us more happy. It was a very good day. Foreseeable to be the best in a hundred years! They sure make me proud ...Yay for all the special days that make up a life time of love and awe!!!  Yep, yep ... pretty gosh darned happy :)

Thrasher < Press

  Jacob is six people from the left and his adopted brother is five people from the right.

This entry was written this weekend the day after the game against my son's college Northern Illinois University against Central Michigan State.  Thanks to Judith for stopping by.  Upon following her sneakily back to her place, we discovered this wonderful fall writing contest, called "Judith Heartsong's Painting for an Essay Contest."  Yay Judith!!  Link to the entry HERE!!

The Big Game Day

Oh dear ... writing on the run ... Hehe been up for a while chatting in IM. But, then that moment passed and I have to face there are "Things" ahead of us today. Mostly, we’re getting together with my oldest son and one of our best friends from work (and her young daughter) and traveling west to see our youngest son do his cheerleading for state college football. YAY JACOB! There was a little mishap this week though in that he received 7 stitches under his eye from lifting pretty girls. Eh, you are only young once! We are being thrilled to pieces to be going. It is his homecoming game, so some special stuff is going on too.

Thing is ... I have to leave my computer ... Not so easy. Simple stuff really. Take a shower, get dressed, brush hair ... AND, pick up! YEEKS! This is the hard stuff. But, I’m supposed to keep all this in perspective. We took our medications late ... so scolding ourselves a bit. Maybe I can work through this one step at a time. I already did the living room and bathroom. Just I need to vacuum. Dishes are washed, but there is a few things on kitchen table. I have to hang some clothes and make bed. Oh, and empty garbage. Ok, Ok this shouldn’t hurt us right? Figure I have two hours to do all this. Trying not to stress out back too much cuz we have to do some walking today. *Sigh* Ok, Ok ... first thing first ... TAKE SHOWER! Need that new nicotine patch too!

Ok, ok ... next! ... Hmm, maybe we should put on shoes too. Need to go out to the balcony and throw the smoking evidence that had happened on Monday ... that’s way too long ago now ... doing good, doing good. Did all that ... I think we’re up to the part where we have to empty the garbage. Hmm, there’s a stickler ... I can almost get my mind up to it, but there’s some garbage that fell in back of the table that needs to be picked up before vacuuming. That’s a real deal breaker! Hmm, need to settle down here. Hmm, how many blankets should we bring? Thinking the goose down be easier to carry, but it’s white ... Hate to see it get dirty. It’s 41degress in Chicago today with a wind of 20 MPH making the weather feel like 32 coooooold degrees. Yeeks. Hope our friend doesn’t back out! Ooh too cold there are Halloween things going on out there with people lacking jackets. Yeeks!

Hmm ... 50 minutes to go ... Did some more stuff ... garbage and wiped table tops ... umm, that’s pushing the limits of how long we can stand though. Decided we’re going to have to let vacuuming go ... it’s usually a 45 minute task, cuz we need three breaks. This means we’re down to hanging clothes and making bed ... Think we’re going to make it! *Giggle* Our method is to thank Big G. for early guests which puts an end to "Picking-up." Think the rule is you only have to work until the first ones arrive! :) Shouldn’t play so much ... I think we rarely get far from an hour of regular persons cleaned-up, but that might not include the kitchen floor. Ok ... ok ... if we could quit complaining, we’d be exclaiming it’s JACOB DAY!!! I’m not sure if the cheerleaders get to wear much of warm clothing. Maybe they have school letter jackets? Sure hope so ... and that the girls wear leg things. This is a picture of our son ... He’s the 6th person from the left and his best friend (will go out to dinner with us) is 5th from the right!

*Silly Grin*  Ahh Bed-making Delay ... Macadam is running at least half hour late!  Shoot ... does that mean I have to clean more?  Maybe it WOULD be better if someone were here faster.  OHHHHHHHH ... settle down, settle down girls!  Way too nervous here ... Just so much excitement!

*Sigh* Nothin to do but rest :) ... Bed is made!  Clothes hung up and Winter coats checked ... Yay!  They still fit!  Suppose we should calm down now?  Oh Man-o-man!  Margarita's here on time!!!  Gotta go!  Here's to the most enjoyable day of the whole year!!!!!!!!

Sonata in C Major

Thursday Sonata in C major? ... Teasing, teasing ... Well, I think I’m up this time. Think we were up and down about four times during the night. Too late, we’d figured out we’d forgotten to take our evening medicine ... that’s not so good. We do love to have a good morning chat first thing of the day ... now that is all accomplished, it’s on with the schedule.

Today’s the day we see Dr. M. ... Yes, and we have Chinese. Sigh ... These be the good things of life. I’m pretty sure ... Maybe today, we’ll get a chance to settle some thoughts and feelings we were so overwhelmed with particularly on Tuesday. Maybe it will be something new, you never know. I don’t remember what I dreamed of, but don’t have a sense of having nightmares. Hmm, take that back ... I remember now about our parents as inheriting a small and very old store. We were left in charge. Remember trying to clean out zillions and zillions of roach type bugs, then the place became a broken down fishing cottage and we were being forced to live with another business partner of the family. He had kids too and everyone was hungry and the place disgustingly dirty. There was some problems in getting dressed due to others’ invasiveness, but we spent the majority of that dream trying to either cook with very poor rations and tools, or the effort to wash dishes. Pretty yuck!

Ok ok ... ‘nuf said of our terrible nocturnal life!

Yesterday wasn’t quite as bad as imagined ... After we got to work, we quickly made it back to our office. Then it seemed as if we were being visited by a few of our more friendly peers. Always some catching up to do professionally, and there are those who needed to catch us up on their long weekend. It’s a welcoming thing to happen and kind of presides over the first hour or so back. Ahh, maybe we were a little missed :). After that we were a little shaken in that we couldn’t remember what it was again that we were really supposed to be doing. Fortunately, our friend IM’d and reminded us that we kept a schedule. I was like, "Ohhh, ok - I got it." We worked then on finishing a couple of Qnotes and a history report for the person being staffed on Friday. That took up most the day ... Except the part that I was grumbly, because the other Q and two of the DSPs and the secretary were all holding up reports I needed. I wrote Sr. a note and we’re pretty sure she’ll say today ... just take care of it. *Sigh*

So, that was that ... and then there was the return home :) ... On the way out the door from work, we’d stopped by at our mailbox and discovered that a new book had come in. We’d ordered it after listening to a radio presentation of the south-side neighborhood of Chicago where our work is located. In particular, we are called the "Back of the Yards" neighborhood which is attached to the "Stockyards." Stockyards was created like in 1865 as one of the US largest processing places for hogs, cattle, and sheep. It had survived the big Chicago fire and operated up until at least WWII. I’m not sure exactly how it goes, because I just started the book. But the book is primarily about our neighborhood which had been a young urban ghetto where immigrants lived who worked at the stockyards. Hehe - that’s all I can tell you so far :) Maybe we figure that after working five plus years in the area, and in general living 24 years in the Chicago area that we’re starting to finally accept our identity as a Chicagoan. Stranger things have happened! Growing up in Minnesota had also had a strong affect on our life.

I had a chance to watch and listen to some PBS type news ... and I had a chance to talk a little to my oldest and youngest sons. The youngest one is preparing the tickets so we can see his game on Saturday. He also told us that he’d gotten 7 stitches under his eye from the elbow of one of the pretty cheerleaders. No, he didn’t affront her, just caught her poorly. He’s the cheerleader son who throws pretty girls up in the air! Hehehe. The other son had a lot on his mind. Most importantly is that his Grandfather, my ex-father-in-law, might have cancer. They will know that by today. My boys are close to their Grandfather, especially my oldest so this will be a pretty big deal to go through with him. On the brighter side, he thinks his three year old daughter is finally toilet-trained ... YahOO! Poor kids, they’ve been battling this one out with my Granddaughter for quite some time. Hehe. He had other great news of work progress and such, but he said he’ll save it for when we meet to go to the game on Saturday. He’s pretty excited though to have broke $125,000 for the year at work. All of a sudden he’s thinking $200,000 over the next 2 ½ months. He works down at the Chicago Board with my middle son and naturally the amount earned for the company affects the take home pay ... He really deserves his share :) He’s really happy, because this year he’s earned enough to go down with the company to the Bahamas in November. Way to go kid!!

The rest of the evening ... we watched the debates. I don’t know ... they were saying on PBS television that Bush was his best ever, but we thought, "Eh ... wasn’t impressed." For the record, we are one of those middle people who haven’t decided who they would want to vote for. I found myself leaning much more toward Kerry, but I’ll go over again the transcript ... Washington Post does a nice job at presenting the tape and written transcript and in their written transcript they offer a little officiating guy like in football to check and confirm all the facts and figures that were being thrown about by both candidates. I think the early polls have Kerry leading Bush by about 6%. Lately at work we’ve been listening more to Chicago PBS than Ohio or Philadelphia. Chicago has much more in the line of news stories and features. We’ll most likely stick with that throughout the day. Our staff training meeting has been canceled due to a big field trip to the zoo today. Be a good day to stay in the office and catch up with things. Yeeks, ‘bout that time! Take care!

Wednesdy Blues

Morning ... think we’re going to have to go to work this morning. Afraid to say we’re not looking forward to it. Still feeling the depression, but it could be with us for a while. We don’t have THAT many days off. I don’t know ... sure would help to have one more day. Trying to figure out my work schedule. The worst of it is that we have a staffing on Friday. Really need to get in to do the prep work ... couple of reports to write. I’m not sure what I would do at home today except I would be able to stay calmer. Going to have to face work though ... think of nice office, nice computer... Shoot, is this hard ... cuz bottom line is that I really DON’T want to go in.

The Day Starts Early

Another set of nightmares ... This time we dreamed first that we were at a party of my mother’s family. There was drinking and eating and laughter by the others.  The only part I can remember now is that my ex father-in-law was very angry with us. He was known to us as being not physically violent, but intellectually threatening.  In the nightmare, he’d surprised us with punching us in the face. Somehow he then became my mother's brother.  I remember leaving that party and being in a bad neighborhood and we couldn't find our keys. We ended up in a gang/cult like private setting. We were put through some very vicious/sexual feats. At last, they had put electrodes on us, electrocuted us and were left for dead. We remember laying in the muddy gutter, but we weren’t dead. One of the members took interest in us and brought us home. He was married and had a lot of children. They lived in a "home" that was a covered area over the side of a rocky ledge. He did things that should have caused us great pain. But, we just looked down, did not cry or get angry. He seemed to like us and decided to keep us to fulfill his interest in this kind of abuse and sport. Some of the obstacles involved animals like big cats, snakes, and ferrets. I remember being given a couple of real small objects at the beginning to hold. No matter what obstacle we were put through, we were not to let these objects go. I think one was a couple of small metal washers and the other maybe some kind of small pine cone. Toward the end, he’d invited friends and important leaders over to watch and test me further. He seemed proud of us.  The last part I remembered was being sent out on an errand with firecrackers placed in a place I wouldn’t care to name. The degradation didn’t seem to overly affect us.  We felt a sense of devotion to him.

Doesn’t seem we’re on schedule ... I don’t know why exactly, but I don’t think we’re going into work this morning. Just don’t feel up to it. I’d like to say that I was going to stay home and be productive, but I don’t know if we’ll do that either. Just have a real sense of uneasiness. It’s like feeling doomed.  Think we'll go lay down a little longer, maybe we'll feel better?

The day gets cancelled ... We went back to bed for maybe a couple of hours, but we have not been able to shake the feeling of depression.  We wrote Sister Tess by email a few moments ago to let her know we're sickand won't be coming in today.  Maybe we can figure out something ... We're thinking that an email to Dr. M. might be in order.  Just need some time to think ... we're having difficulty putting together our thoughts.  Maybe if we just try to write.

Hmm, an advancement on the morning - 8:30 am ... We did a couple of things. We wrote to Dr. M. Just a short note. And, we IM’d with our friend. It was an old familiar drill we’ve gone over so many times before. Just not lately. Our friend’s point is that we need to get in the shower and take our medicine. Our point is we don’t want to do anything. We rarely win these battles. But, there are a good number of complaints put out by us in the meantime. I can tell we’re being umm, "resistant," but that doesn’t seem to change things. The more we cry and yell, "leave us alone," the harder he seems to push. He uses tons of tactics that we’ve never figured out. Maybe the big trick is in turning us from just depressed to downright crabby. He seems to know all the tricks though. Bottom line is we’ve showered and taken our medicine. Hmm, better put on patch too.  Two steps forward.

Trying to figure things out ... Pretty much where we are at is feeling depressed. Our thoughts are negative and we’re feeling overwhelmed. Like if we do one thing, then there will be another and we’re pretty sure we can’t handle any of it. The negative thoughts seem thick, heavy, and muddled. We worry about what is being thought of us, or if we are really crazy. What exactly does it mean to be psychotic? Hmm, maybe we can be psychotic and not crazy. Eh, what does that part matter anyway. What is important here ... what are we avoiding? What makes it so difficult to think clearly? I think we’re trying to avoid some of the obvious things like nightmare or yesterday’s session. The session was hard, we keep finding ourselves there over and over again. Not in real thoughts but, flash pictures. I can’t put a handle on it ... thinking if I could only label the picture, I might get it to slow down enough to deal with it proper. I wish we could have grabbed an image of Dr. M. Couldn’t look at him the entire session. Just his hand at the very end ... it was pretty terrifying ... that’s the picture that we see now most often. But, there is a contradiction ... because simultaneously we’ve carried the image in both very bad and very good ways. Can’t get a hold of whether the hand is a friend or enemy. This was all because Dr. M. handed us our keys ... and then there’s more cuz we know we sat next to him ... just not dealing with all this ... our brain screams again too much, too much. I don’t know ... maybe some music would be in order. Maybe if we concentrate we can handle our nature sounds. Oh wow ... 37 more minutes of our absolute favorite, "Pine Forest." Time out.

Good hour or so ... Sat down on the couch to listen to nature sounds and drifted off. We’d been covered with our blanket and had book propped comfortably on lap. We woke up hearing the loud demanding sound of Orca Whales ... must have been mating, because it got the kitties pretty frisky running and chasing each other inside the apartment and out on the balcony. Just watched them play for a bit. We went back to the computer and waited a few moments. We received the email we’d been hoping for from Dr. M. Suggested that we stay in the present and we will talk in a couple of days. Hmm... sounds familiar ... not sure why we are fighting these simple thoughts like the one’s suggested earlier to take shower and medicine. I remember something from the days we saw Dr. W. He had figured out one of the problems and we transferred it into a self directive. It went, "When in doubt, trust Dr. W." Probably the same here now, ‘cept we should trust Dr. M. Where does this strong, "I don’ wanna" voice comes from. Shoot. Nothing seems easy. C’mon trust Dr. M, trust Dr. M.. Maybe we could challenge the smarter parts? Think we’ll try the reading? Certainly, we’ve napped enough!  Ahh, nice peaceful, "Midsummer Night" nature sounds.  Relax ... relax ... He said, "we'll make make sense of it," meaning him and us ... just got to be patient, right?  Relax, relax...

Hmm, maybe we relaxed too much ... We’ve been gone for a couple of hours. Maybe we relaxed too much, because we fell asleep again. The couch is entirely too comfortable. Just a heavenly place to sit. We’ve been reading about transitional objects. I’ve got so many that it’s hard to separate them. This computer seems to be one, the couch and blanket and book too. But, while we were reading, we thought most of our stuffed dog. Yes, yes ... milk shakes too. We’ve been going for longer and longer periods without him. Usually, he sleeps with us in the bed, but lately we’ve taken to sleeping out on the couch again. It’s not as safe for him out here. Now, we’re unable to step that far from the computer. Back in 90' when we were diagnosed as a multiple, we had started carrying our stuffed dog and would only put him down for brief showers and his laundering. We’d become attached to him between stays at one hospital on our way to another. It was a couple of years of carrying him, even after release from the hospital. We didn’t travel much outside the house, but he would accompany us regardless. We figure he’ll go with us when we go. If he needs to be called a transitional object, so be it ... but, he stays no matter how severely affected we may seem.  Shoot ... still can't make the bed, nor wash the dishes.  :(  And, someone really should make up the grocery list?  Noooooooooo... Ok, ok ... but, sometime, right?  You getting hungry?