The Initial Stage of Group Development

The last couple of mornings, we’ve been writing about group processes.  I’d like to continue that thread.  In need to think about this some more, but the following statements/questions seemed handy ... need to think it through though. I found a great site that needs more time. http://www.managementhelp.org/

Questions Members Often ask Themselves 

Will I be accepted or rejected here?
How will this group be different from my daily interactions?
What exactly will theses sessions be like?
What risks will I take in here?
How am I like other people here? Different?
Will I feel pressured and pushed to perform in some way?
How important will I be?
Who will be the real leaders here?  What can be achieved here?

Concerns and Fears

 I'm afraid I'll look stupid.
Will I tell too much about myself?
Will others like me?
What if I find out what I'm really like?
What if everyone rejects me?
What if the group attacks me?
I'm afraid I'll be withdrawn and passive.
What will happen if I really open up my feeling?
Will I embarrass myself?
What if I'm asked to do something I don't want to do?
What if others can tell I'm afraid and nervous?
What if I find out things about myself that I can't cope with?

Characteristics of Initial Stage

Silence and awkwardness.
High anxiety.
Impatience to "get the ball rolling".
Confusion about what everybody is supposed to be doing.
Storytelling, a tendency to talk about others and focus on people and situations outside of the group.
Central issue is trust vs. mistrust.
Testing of each other and the leaders.
Requests for greater leader involvement.
Cocktail conversations, safe levels of conversation.
Vying for informal leadership

Quoted from:  http://www.gmu.edu/student/csl/initial.html

The Dynamics of Group Cohesiveness

If we stay for the moment focused on just the dynamics of groups, we might gain insight.

In the early advent of our AOL journal community (July, 2003), people found a bond with each other and a group formed of people interested in journal potential and in helping one another clear hurdles of technical difficulties. The AOL - Jland or Jcommunity clearly supports individual uniqueness found in their own and each other’s journal work.  And, in addition, "Each of the members honed their skills and capabilities through the feedback of others. There was interdependency (which is a good thing).

The structure of the original group of members helping and supporting one another stayed cohesively in tact after the journals become public in August. Role-making within the group took place as people began to link with one another and take on visitations. The J-community journal awards helped define status amongst individuals within the group and another source of status came with the awarding of the Excellence in journal awards.

One of the norms seemed to be that members not be critical of one another. In the formation of two smaller groups within the one community (now each of about 170 people), the group seemed to sidestep a difficulty in the acceptance of the difference found in two male leaders. I think this was considered acceptable by the larger group because each of the two smaller groups maintained general norms of not being critical to one another and each continued to support and reach out toward newer members.

This last week, a norm of not being critical of one another, was challenged in the usage of the term "clique." It seemed to have hurt, angered or confused individuals who had each contributed so much to the whole of a unified group norm of being open and supportive of one another. In responce, many members then helped to subside that "threat."

Maybe the J-community is ready to take the next step. We can respond to our similarities or differences through dialogue, or we can act out our bruised feelings. I would hope for the first of these objectives. Can we start then with a discussion of our group structure, perceived community roles and norms, and the ideal goal of cohesiveness that appears to be very important to the group and its individual members?

I'd like to see these discussions held by known leaders with larger readerships.  We like our role of supporter.

People Interact Socially in Groups ... This is Great, but We Can Be Smart about it Too

1. In order for an aggregate of people to be considered a group in a formal sense, several criteria need to be met. Specifically, a group consists of two or more people who interact with one another, perceive themselves as a group, and are interdependent.

2. Group structure comprises the regular, stable patterns of behavior that occur in the groups. Among the most important elements of group structure are roles, status, norms, and cohesiveness.

3. Roles are the behaviors that are associated with and come to be expected of people in a given position. The roles people assume exert a powerful influence on their behavior. Roles differ in status –the evaluation of a role or of a person holding a role. The two major determinants of status are the magnitude of a person’s contribution to the success of the group in achieving its goals, and the degree or power the person wields over others.

4. Norms are the rules that guide people’s behavior in groups. Prescriptive norms suggest ways people ought to behave, while proscriptive norms inform people about behaviors they should avoid.

5. Group cohesiveness is the extent to which the members of a group find the group attractive. High group cohesiveness results in longer maintenance of membership, greater influence over members, and high self-esteem and lower anxiety among members. Cohesiveness also influences group productivity, depending on the nature of the group norms.

6. Social facilitation refers to the change in performance due to the presence of others. According to one explanation, the mere presence of others raises the general level of emotional arousal, leading to improved performance in well-learned activities but to declines in performance of poorly learned activities.

7. Other explanations for social facilitation effects suggest that the presence of others leads to evaluation apprehension –the perception that the audience is evaluating us. Alternatively, distraction-conflict theory proposes that social facilitation effects occur because the presence of others is distracting, and our attention becomes divided between the task at hand and the others who are present. This divided attention leads to conflict, which in turn leads to higher physiological arousal.

With the Wind at our Back

Morning ... Won’t keep the suspense ... WE PASSED!!!

The day unfolded pretty good. We came in on time with our friend. We went straight to figurin out the Thinking Group. We knew Moral Reasoning would be good. We found an Internet site that gave us four scenarios and questions to ask as well. Can’t beat the Internet!

The group started promptly. About 15 minutes afterward the Sister, our friend and the Inspector came in. By then the group was very lively.  He stayed about 10 minutes.  After his tour of the building, he again came in to listen.

It had been a very good group and the clients were very animate. They were involved in role playing which they love.  He saw the one where one of the girls was told by her mother not to go to the rock concert, but she and her boyfriend snuck out, then later her sister found out and the sister had to figure out to tell or not to tell. We wanted their reasoning so kept asking/teasing, "Why?"  

While he was there ... the clients decided that it wasn’t wrong to sneak out because they really wanted to go (good stage two reasoning). We had great fun with that!  One of the individuals suggested there could have been an accident so we next role played out that with a motorcycle.

The State gives the Center before the Inspection about 20 pages of standard questions that could be asked.  Sister Tess is real good at documentation and the building is always tip-top shape.  

Our next part was getting through client files. He went through the files with a fine tooth comb. I was the last to talk to him.  He chose not to talk to the other staff or to the clients more directly.

After that, there was an exit meeting. The four of us on the Administration Team and him sat down.  Within a few moments he told us the scoring system and then he said, "Well, I had to give you 100%!"

Man-o-man ...couldn’t be more pleased than if he’d been the doctor to have delivered our baby! The best compliment though? He added, "this place is so cool even I want to come here!"

Oh-man-oh-man...

Picture - http://www.harley-davidson.com/en/home.asp?bmLocale=en_US

Yeeks

Hmm, guess God’s gave me another "time-out." I was about 2 blocks from work and my car’s engine light came on yesterday. So, I turned around and parked her in front of the car repair shop and waited the hour until they opened up. They affirmed that was the correct thing to do and that they could check on her by later that morning. Then in a very nice way, they dropped me off at home.

So, by about 6 hours later ... I finally got to work. We stayed til 7 pm and got a ride home from the same friend. Maybe it wasn’t meant that this Inspection dealie is so important after all? We’ll see, we’ll see. The inspector guy is expected this morning at 9 am. The worst that could happen is that he’d closed the place, but most likely it’ll just mean if he "catches" the Center, he’d take away points and we’d be told to "catch-up!" *Sigh*

There is more "yuckie" stuff. Turns out the car’s health has put us into peanut butter and bread type recession. It cost $780. That is like almost as much money as I have to pay in bills other than rent each month and there’s no left overs and I’m behind in that.

I talked to my friend, my oldest son, and my doctor. And, I think it all comes down to paying for the car, rent, phone, electric, AOL and cable ... but, all the rest are going to have to go unpaid this month. I lost last night about an hour of work because I couldn’t stop crying.

Probably a silly thing. I’ve got a roof over my head, means to pay the car bill and about $60 bucks for "free spending money" ... like food and car gas. And, first of the month is just round the corner, right? The way we’re figurin this morning ... could be worse. Hmm, I don’t figure though we should figure out how bad it could be.

*Double Sigh* By tonight it’ll all be over. ‘Cept Sister says, I’ll have today through Saturday to be finishing up with most of what’s left over in work, because by Monday another Sister will come down from North of the City and start helping us prepare for our accreditation inspection middle of April. No time to breath quite yet.

Shoot gotta shower ... on the run ... wish us luck ...

Picture - http://acc.glowport.com/crt389.html

Enough's Enough ... Please

Good morning ... There is now new kitty food (the canned stuff) in the house and they are just being the happiest gallivanting kitties you’d ever seen. Hmm, maybe between that at least and leaving the balcony door open. They like that!

We heading down the back stretch at work. It’s not without some pressures and stress. Today will be our last day to prepare. The State Inspector who is expected tomorrow morning at 9 am and as we start the Thinking Group. I think we’re going to do the group on moral decisions. 

We had another Doc M. appointment before work. But, it’s sometimes difficult going from one frame of mind back into the work frame. We’re figuring a good portion of the meeting went to Anniemi, the next to Annemarie, and the last to Casey.

Anniemi talked about her anger that is being focused on the good doctor. I’m not sure though why she’s angry. At this stage, it wouldn’t have to be much. Shoot, not sure why anyone was out yesterday. Shouldn't I have access to this information?

At work we had problems with the printers. Our Internet is down and we’re thinking it is affecting the network connections between the 12 computers in back and three printers. This just isn’t my field. Hopefully, this morning there will be help. But at least Sister’s printer is working, so we can always print out from there.

We lost our patience at one of our peers, the other Q. She’s been building up a pattern of answering the Center’s phones and not transferring over my calls. She’s pretty sure she can handle my business. This isn’t going over well and she was caught dead-handed talking to an important call I was expecting from the University doctor in regard to seven of my client’s psychologicals.

This has been a two month battle. We kind of exploded on her. She is always defensive , loud and obnoxious. We just yelled louder. It lasted only 3-4 minutes. Then we put our hands up in the air, said, "Enough, Stop!" and walked away. It had felt beneath us to have shouted, especially in hearing range of others. Today will be better and by tomorrow this particular inspection be over??

Picture - http://www.clipsahoy.com/webgraphics2/as1819.htm

A Pleasant, Pleasant Brunch

Afternoon! We’re just back from a visit with Macadam and Abby. She’s just turned three and is a wonderful, wonderful granddaughter!

There was a very big birthday party for her yesterday at one of my other son’s home. It is larger. There were about 30 people there and they barbequed hamburgers and hot dogs. Being from the North and all, the rest of the party was indoors. I don’t believe Tanner would serve alcohol, but I forgot to ask.

Macadam said it was one of the best parties ever. I’d been invited, of course, but I decline because almost all the parties are my ex-husband and his family. I feel much happier without all that, but I still listen to the stories.  It is important to the boys and this had been the family I cared of for about 15 years.

Macadam talked about the difference between his family and Lee’s. Both were at this party like others they have hosted. Macadam, I think was proud of the way his family accommodates children. The parents are available, but its mostly ALL the adults that watch over, so the kids travel in and out of conversations that are paused to include them. I liked that part of the family.

I’m very pleased with my sons for taking on already adult socializing functions. For the six young ones, Lee had prepared a project to make foam mobiles. For the "older kids," there was the computer games, and for the older folk some very good conversations. My Ex’s family always discuss "Worldly Affairs" and how the family members are doing.

The rest of the conversation was a little catch-up with his work, but mostly Macadam talked about the Fantasy Leagues he takes part in. It’s what he likes to do most with his spare time and his favorite baseball season is about to start. Somehow befell us a conversation on morality. Hehe, just brushing up on Kohlberg and his six stages of moral development.  We emailed Macadam a copy of the work! Eh, his father can take over from there... Hehehe

*Giggle*  We also talked about redirecting 3 year olds without saying the word, "no."  We figure if a child/parts does something "bad" then it's because she doesn't yet know "good."  It's the older parts job to teach, or be taught.  She's such a lovely!

Pictue - http://www.forcounsel.com/productDetails_c.asp?productid=8948

Waken up to the Mornin and DearHeart

Late morning of sleeping in after having been up later. *Yawn-Stretch* Let’s see what the morning brings on ... Hmm, thinking maybe I should get in the shower first? Have a breakfast with two of the boys and granddaughter sometime later this morning ...hmm, no sense to wait getting ready.

Ahh, that’s better. Yesterday was a good work day. Held strong through out, until the last few moments. I’d finished the proposed work and figured I should check the files again for "readiness." I got about 7 deep when I realized there were yet needs to fix picky little things. We became again dismayed.

Fortunately, nothing better than a good night’s sleep to fix that. Figured tomorrow will come soon enough. We’ve made plans after breakfast to be looking at new journals. We started over the week and am looking forward to getting back to it.

There you go, my whole weekend wrapped up in a nutshell!

Haven’t thought through how all the parts are doing ... Just trying to keep head above water. I know pretty selfish hmm? Seems as if there’s been no crisis this week with the exception of worrying about Annemarie sitting in that dark corner. Seems like she’s going through an effort to hold up that wall on her own.

How can we help ... hmm

Seems she wants nothing to do with the low bed, wondering if a night light would help. We’d prefer her to staying out on the couch, but she seems so repulsed by the thought of that. She doesn’t seem to like all of the questions Dr. M. is asking. She says he asks too many, too fast. There doesn’t seem to be much "play" in her. We think she was hearing the father up during the early morning hours. Oh yeah, she said loud and angrily a couple of times, "I’m not afraid!"

Maybe then, to do her justice ... we shouldn't be either.

Picture - http://hakkai.net/tooya/watase/ayashi/ayashi/supertooya.jpg

Always Something Important to Be Doing

Morning, morning ... here she is again! Been up for awhile and had a chance to read journals. Not many comments, but enjoyed nonethless.

I decided to be one of the Journal Beta testers. We haven’t given it a full try, but we did open a new journal. We’re trying out the private feature to be read only by self(ves) - and at times, Dr. M. I want to be able to talk at length between ourselves. Hehe, believe me, we can ramble on in our thoughts with the best of them!

I heard this morning that Vivian’s already figured out how big 25,000 characters is, and that Slo is going to give special homage to the first writers of 25,000 characters that hold her interest. This journal will always be kept open and shorter for general reading. I kinda like the "me" as is being developed here. I may not be well read, but most mornings I’ve been pleased with the outcome.

Today is a perfectly good Saturday. I really like working on Saturdays. Everything is generally quiet and peaceful. We’re down to the last three business days before the State inspection. Sr. called the Center up north and found they had had the same inspector we’re going to get. He’s supposed to be a stickler for details and dates.

Today, we figure to do one more annual, one 30 day report and we’ll also do eleven ICAP tests. That’ll be like about 10 hours of work. *Sigh.*

We figure that first thing Monday, we’ll decide which of the client files are ready "just in case."  Theoretically, he’ll look at only 4 files between the other Q and me. The other Q has to be responsible for the newest client, the oldest client, and the only client with a behavioral plan. I’m officially responsible for only having the last client to have left the Center. My goal is to have at least 10 ready to be perfect and the others nearly as good. I think I can, I think I can ...

Sunrise, Sunset - Happens Every Day

We are waking up late this morning. Actually, we were up earlier, but went back to bed and slept an additional 3 hours. Wow ...

Yesterday, we had kind of a normal day at work. We were able to concentrate on work, but still fell behind our expectations. It seems like a blur to us at this point. We’ve been working on annuals, then had another intake appointment, then there was some processing of all the papers that have been coming in.

There was a problems with one of the DSP’s. Work had come in which means that regular goals and groups get put aside and the groups do "Workshop" work. About an hour before the end of the day, this DSP came to our office claiming she couldn’t then do the work of documenting any more.

I told her I didn’t have the authority to release her from documentation responsibilities. She left angrily. Within a few moments, she was up front at Sr.’s office complaining she was too sick to work. Then she left. I let Sr. know what happened, I was absolved, but still felt bad for the DSP. I know what it is like to be behind. It is a terrible stress. But, you can’t quit midstream.

At the end of the day, we left for our Dr. M. Meeting. We could feel the familiar changes within us as we walked down the long corridor getting to his office. Anniemi was out for just a few moments at the immediate beginning and end of the appointment, but then Annemarie was out again, followed by Anna and Casey. Ann drove home.

It seems that Anniemi isn’t ready to face fully what had happened at the beginning of the week. Annemarie seemed pretty sure she still didn’t want to be communicating with Dr. M. Anna was out only long enough to convey that Annemarie was sitting in the dark corner and that Anna liked ice cream. And, Casey seemed worried about KC’s feelings.

In general, it left us feeling tired. But, we're midstream also ... nothing to do, but rest and get up to the next day ... The rest will happen as it will.

Picture - http://www.pix-elitegraphics.ca/photos/sunrise/sunrise18.shtml

Apartment Living

Yesterday's Thinking Group went well. We carried out as had been sketched.  Through the hour, 14 people went through "Apartment Living" in groups of 4-6 people. They were "given" only $600 and a package of toilet paper.  The other individuals were involved as friends connected by phone. That is for the groups that had pulled together resources to buy a telephone *grin.* This was easy enough for the group who decided to save cost by sleeping four people to a bed!

We had them making a lot of decisions. I’d say things like, "Ok, now it is morning, what is happening?" They had to arrange turns in the shower, meal planning and and settle an arranged fight because the male was leaving up the toilet seat.  One group had decided to eat all three meals at Burger King, then were dismayed to find it was going to cost them $400.  They next decided to eat 30 meals of hot dogs and beans for a cost of $60.

75% of them wanted to stay home rather than go to the Center for more learning. They were again dismayed to find the ones who went to the Center earned an extra $100 for work completed! The ones at home had to plan their schedules. There was some TV watching (for those who could afford the $200 I charged them), but mostly they wanted to talk on the phone or do housecleaning. Hehe you should have heard the guy person when assigned by the women the task of mopping!  He kept saying, "What?!  What?!"

They looked forward to an evening out, but by the time they had included the new clothes/shoes, dinner, and a movie this $100 charged busted their budget!

After one group crowded 6 people into a two bedroom apartment, sleeping arrangements needed to be made. The big issue was, "Do the couples sleep together or split up boys in one room, girls in the other?"  I let them discuss the situation freely. After about 8 minutes, they decided to separate the boys and girls.

We told them after that, as our time was about out that it had been a good decision, because I would have charged them the extra money to be taking care of babies. LOL - One of the DSP’s heard a mixed translation of the hour. She asked, "Babies only cost $10!?" Yeeks and Bejeebers!

Picture - http://www.liveinnyc.com/gifs/6and1/6and1.html

Ms Ann's Funny Money

This morning finds us pretty well rested and having found time to travel the course of our J-neighborhood. This usually leaves us feeling pretty good.

Yesterday, there seemed too much to be doing to get a lot accomplished. Does this make sense? Last thing I recall of the morning was thinking it was going to be a productive day, but then after walking into the center and discovering the new monitor had arrived and needed to be installed, we thought we wouldn’t be able to keep up with our schedule. We were right.

Today is going to be another day of the Thinking Group. Not sure yet what the plans will be. Let’s see ... what floats up to the top as next necessary task to be accomplishing with the group time?

I think in the back of my mind I would like to try teaching them something very practical today ... just need to figure out what is the common denominator that they are all sharing at this time? What comes to mind is usually the discover of "thoughts" and "feelings." Maybe its time though for something more tangible? I’d like to make it something that is interesting to them. Hehehe ... that would mean going back to the area of love and friends.

Maybe something on offering support to self and others? Ahh, just found a report written by the University of Illinois - Chicago on Self-determination. Hehe ... we get only about a 1/3 of the way through before ideas start popping into our head ... just love this kind of work!

We’re thinking that we are going to set up today a quasi-community. Yep, yep.   But we’ve in mind that for individuals to appreciate the quality of life and their freedom of independence, we could play with some choices. First, we’ll set up four chairs in the center of the group and ask for volunteers. Each will be given about $600. This is about $50 more than the government pays adults with developmental disabilities to survive on.

They’ll be given their $600 dollars (12 bills), but being as they are sitting outside in the park on a bench ... they’ll need to find a permanent address to continue this benefit. Also, because its going to rain that evening.

The object will be to make it for one month to follow along their budget allowance.  You need to start of somewhere, right? Let’s see ... how much and how long does one roll of toilet paper last??  Better bring our calculator ...

The First of Two Letters to Nadine

Dear Nadine, 

Nadine your work is very, very good!  Seems to me though that you tease us with what is yet to come.  We kept looking at the buddy list each time it made a sound to see how you were progressing.  Receiving the pictures was well worth the wait!  The results are terrific.  We'd woken up earlier in the morning and put the pictures you made for us next to all the others.  Already pride had set in as we thought ours "better" than all the others to the purposes before it.  I suppose this is the way it goes.

We do like the other work you've done, a lot, but we were viewing it from the perspective we hold of our Sr. Tess.  This birthday gift to her from the center is as simple and as elegant as we requested.  This adds to the beauty of the project itself.  We find ourselves now wondering which wall the the mirror will hang and from which surface the votif will sit.  Sister is very good at decorating the Center and her own convent area, so we're not sure of which place this will go, but that she will find its proper home. 

We feel that this is a grand process.  It seems to be life unfolding as one thing happens, and it leads to the next, and the next ... and each of the patterns seem to glorify the total.  The unifying theme is that people have cared each step of the way.  Each element finds its place naturally and it leads you to believe you are a contributor to the whole.  This is a place where many can feel they "belong."  Thank you for being a part of the happening as St. Rose Center discovers itself.

With all our love and gratitude,

Ayn and all        

Hard Day Off

Yesterday was a harder day for us than some have been lately. It included not being able to make ourselves leave the house for an appointment with Dr. M. due maybe to laziness or avoidance. The sessions this last month or so have been difficult for the system and individual parts of the system.

Our Anniemi (15 years old), had time out throughout the meeting. She is heavily influenced by both Dearheart (Annemarie 12-13 years) and Sr. Tess. Anniemi is similar to Dearheart, although Anniemi gets along with the system and Dr. M. much better than Dearheart. She is not so isolated and is able to care about the work world deeply enough to consider Sr. Tess her favorite person. She seems to be one of us that is most close to Dearheart’s pictures and images.

Anniemi seems to have some of the difficulties Dearheart has of being in the present.  We’ve all been struggling with the images Dearheart has presented, each at our own levels and degrees. Anniemi was seeing double images of being in the room both present and past at the same time. Afterward, she felt or was influenced to feel and act out self-destructively. These impulses aren’t good for any of us.

There was a lot of sleeping throughout the day. Toward the end of the day, our friend stopped by. Different parts were out. Most particularly KC (aged 9). We think KC holds a good part of our sense of shame. She often bows her head and has trouble looking up at people. Our friend impressed with physical and verbal cues that she look up at him. It seemed to cause her great pain.  We all feel relief when she is able to again accept the present.

KC was being influenced by Anna (4 years) and Gracie (5 years). Anna is the one to sense danger and Gracie fear. For an instant Mimi (1 year)was out. She was not able to support our body's weight. 

These parts are not abandoned by us.  We watch closely his behavior toward them and gain clues (sketch) as to what they might be thinking in their responce to him. We try to support his words by interpreting our sense of trust. It doesn’t make them "go away." That would seem heartless. Most surely what is communicated is that "its going to be ok."  

Picture - http://www.nursing.uiowa.edu/sites/PedsPain/PainPics/

Snow Falls Softly...

The thoughts still with us from yesterday were the ones experienced while waiting for Sr. Tess as she visited her mother. There was a parlor across from the front door and hall. We sat down in a firm overstuffed chair after nodding our hellos to the three older ladies who were also using the parlor. I learned later the one liked to offer coffee to the passer-byers.

One of them had said that it had stopped snowing, then the other two without insulting the first explained that it was still snowing.  Then the one who had noticed the book I was reading got up to scout out if it weren't lunch time. She met three different people in the hall. One of them wondered out loud if lunch weren’t served at noon. Then one volunteered more positively, "Lunch is in 5 minutes."

Then she came back for her friends and they all wandered off. After what seemed like a pretty quick lunch, the lady who had read my book cover and another came back and sat on a bench closer to the door. The new lady made it known that she was the one to deliver internal mail (she knew the room number of someone who’d come up in a conversation with a visitor waiting for a cab).

It turned out that the two ladies who lived at the home were both retired nuns. The first floor was primarily for nuns and priests and the second floor was for lay people. One nun mentioned there would be ice cream served at 1:30, but then that seemed to be a confusion too, because the time wasn’t sticking in the mind of her friend.  The one with a short memory did recall that Vespers were at 4.

After a while of listening politely to the visitor discuss her Aunt, (the one she’d come to visit), the visitor’s cab came and the two nuns decided to leave as to prepare for the ice cream event.

Soon after another woman appeared in a wheel chair. I giggled to discover that she is 86 years old and smokes.

I went outdoors with her as she smoked, camels. She said she's smoked since the war.  We discussed the weather.  She prefered the spring when benches and friends came out to sit. Sister Tess came out and stood a moment to talk with the two of us.   

Sister said her name is Mary.  I heard the gentle snow fall.  I thought, "How pretty."

Picture - http://www.silentwords.com/Paint.html

Life Grounded

Ahh, this morning, be a late sleep in morning. Was up later than normal. Hehe received chocolates, roses, AND cookies! *Sigh* Good day too ... we were processing the work well.

We had a couple important conversations as well. One was late in the afternoon with Sr. Tess, then later with our friend. Later this morning, we are going to be driving Sr. Tess to see her mother. Sr. Tess doesn’t drive and her normal driver is on vacation. We usually like driving with Sr. Because of the conversations. She is a little less formal.

We talked more of me becoming her companion. She presents the problems and we try to find our way past the difficulties. She’s saying it wouldn’t work because of changes that would need to be made. We talked instead about changes we were wanting to make now.

Whether or not we would ever get to do as we’ve proposed, there are some important ideas and thoughts that happened in consideration of the proposal. Freee helped us here in saying that we didn’t need to live in a convent to make these happen.

The first thing we’d like to do and was talked over with Sr. Tess was in converting from being a Lutheran to being a Catholic. We’ve talked of our Catholic connections through life. It’s seemed that throughout our adulthood Catholicism has been the forefront religion and I have much trust in their theologians.

I know I could be living a better life grounded in something I can believe in. I don’t think I can live up to all the doctrines, but I’m willing to listen. The hardest being the values of sexuality and marriage. Eh, there is a lot to take in. Just we’re at a point in our life where these things have become more important to us.

Sr. Tess was supportive and she said that she’d make a few calls for us in the finding of a "good" priest ... hehehe Apparently, even Nuns have their favorites! We know we have a lot to learn in the area of community, but we’d like to know a priest that’s very knowledgeable and has good abilities to teach.

Picture - http://www.art.com/asp/sp-asp/_/ui--18EAE22A96344050B8BCF5E21E39E899/PD--10041694/sOrig--CAT/sOrigID--1923/Oak_Tree:_Snow_Storm.htm

Caring is Never out of Style

Happy Valentines Day to all!!!  We received a few of Valentine’s surprises in our mail box. I’d like to thank all those who sent them. May God bless new hearts and old!

At work, we finished medical reports for the psychologicals, a run to the bank, and then doing the client’s lunch (with Sr. Tess).  Then there was a problem with one of the clients. He doesn’t tolerate sugar well and has angry outbursts after having eaten/drank it. Turned out he had persuaded his cab driver to stop for donuts and pop before getting to the center. Then another client got sick and needed to be nursed until a parent could pick him up.

After that there was the party. One of the mother’s cater us with all kinds of good treats. There was a problem though because Sister found out that some of the individuals were hoarding candy brought in. They only wanted to give it to their "favorite" friends. So, she decided to make a new rule that no extra sweets can be brought in by anyone. That left some pretty cranky clients.

During the party, we stationed our self outside the door to where most the individuals and staff were.  This allowed us to watch over things, talk to the drifters, and gave us a chance to say bye and Happy Valentine’s day to those who were leaving.

After most had left, we were given the task of waiting with the stragglers who were waiting on rides. I couldn't change the resolve of the one who's figured boys can't have babies, but had decided instead to become a nun and give his girl a baby. Ehh, them be the lovers ...

There was one bad situation.  A social worker who I'd come to respect was in and presented a problem I knew had to be handled at Sister's level. In so "discussing" the problem with the Sister she complained and asked out loud, "What good is she doing anyway?"

We immediately came to the social worker's defense, but as things sometimes go, the social worker heard the "discussion" and came round to the door. She waved us off and angrily responded directly to Sr. Tess. Bridges were burnt.  She has been working with the client I’d felt was being neglected. Just a terrible shame to think this resource may have been lost.

Picture - http://store.toonzone.net/images/B00015HWYG-front.jpg

Cupid's Flourishing

Valentine’s Day comin for sure ... More incident reports. One of our male client’s smacked the bottom of one of our female clients ... TWICE! Once after being told to cease and desist! Nearly broke our poor little bunny heart.  Just wouldn’t do in the outside world. He’s got an adult male body.

There’s been a setback in the Sr. Tess situation. I met her as she came back from the Doc’s office. She didn’t look good and I asked her how it went. She seemed to lilt.  The doctor says she wants two week’s REAL bed rest. "Oh dear, it's like she’s been busted!"

We've been doing Sister’s "lunch group." We’ve added a new term ... no loitering! They are gathering over by the recycling garbage can while chatting and finishing the last sips of pop. Yeeks, that turns out to be a hotbed of trouble. *Giggle* refer to afore mentioned "bottom smacking!" Now, we just have to learn how to explain "aimless idleness" to the masses.

We wrote a letter home to parents too. It was meant to draw official attention to a client who was rushed through lunch although consuming 20 extra minutes past the first 30. She is about 4'8", but brought in and ate 3 hamburgers, chips, two varieties of cookies, a generous piece of cake, a banana, and pop. Unfortunately, this is more a situation of parental neglect. It’s obvious the client has been put in charge of her own "diet."

Tough when Sr’s out ... sometimes it means you’ve got to be the bad guy. Had a run in with the other Q. too. Seems as if she’s figured she could monitor my calls, paperwork and interactions with one of the new therapists. Man, did that not sound like a good plan.  ACK and PTOOEY!

Hmm, sounds like someone’s a little cranky.

We went last night to a Dr. M. Appointment. There were a variety of parts all trying to demand time. Then KC came out and said, "No, no, no" to all our yammerin. Yes, Bill ... the buck stops here. Ever been "shhhh’d" by a nine year old? Kate was the last one out. We’re going to try having him give us a 10 minute warning when younger parts out, so we can maintain some kind of time awareness of the hour and responsibility.  We’re trying ...

Picture - http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/ArtsAndCrafts/ColouringPictures/Valentines/CupidWatering.html

The Gift of Self

Morning ... How is everyone today? Our body slept pretty good. We never set the alarm clock, so we are still relying on our wake-up kitty to tell us what’s coming up next and when.

Yesterday happened well. Couple of special things ... We always stop by Sr Tess’ office on our way to ours to see how she is and if there is anything in particular we should be first paying attention to. Yesterday, she kind of sat back in her chair and was smiling! She said, she’d gotten a very good night’s sleep and was finally feeling "better." She was sooo in a good mood, she even asked how we were doing. Felt humbled by this.

Other things happened. We had another Thinking Group, dealt with our monitor going down, and worked on more Qnotes.

The Thinking group was on "Love and Responsibility." This was really a wonderful part of our day. We had started our quest of having the Group do something toward the upcoming holiday of love. We have so many "lovers" in the group, they crooned over the introduction and trained all ears forward! Our material though was based on more than hand holding and secret kisses grabbed and later to become causes for incident reports to have been written. (Our poor Romeos and Juliets!)

As it turns out the Pope himself has written a book on Love and Responsibility. We listened for about an hour to an audio of Father Bob Connor talking about this and love being a gift of self through the dignity of the human person.

Father Connor refers to the Pope and St. John of the Cross when he writes:

"Faith is not a series of concepts, creeds or propositions; faith involves the gift of self. Faith is a handing over of one's very self to God. And in that handing over, a splendor veritatis, a splendor of truth, emerges wherein one is enlightened with a consciousness—not concepts—about God. Self-giving, not self-assertion, is the royal road to human flourishing. Self-giving is the way one comes into a knowledge of Jesus Christ."

So much to relinquish in the pondering of the heart.

Picture - http://www.akidsheart.com/holidays/valntine/valmain.htm

Community Trust

We want to thank those of you who have been stopping by regularly. It’s really quite a big deal for us. And, new SandyCat Person :) welcome to the Journal community (J-land).It is a pleasure to be meeting you. You offered so many nice words that you’ve got us blushing all over! As you travel around the community, check out some of the links of journals you like. There is a lot of really cool people to be found!

Muse, there have always been switches with Dr. M., but not so many with the younger parts. Having Dear Heart (Annemarie) "out" with him is new since about August ... There’s more information given at the beginning of our journal. But it is long.  Dr. M. Has never met Mimi, Crystal, Gracie, Marie, and Henry. He’s just now meeting Anna and Lissa, so it’s kind of a big deal to us.

Just one friend and our last doctor, hospital people, and Dr. W. (7 years), has met the younger ones. We’ve been with Dr. M. Now for 4 ½ years. The majority of us trust Dr. M. dearly. He’s the smartest and nicest person we ever met! Jamie asked if he minded these other parts being out and he conveyed with a big confident smile that everyone was welcome.

The trust deal you all (Vince, John & Bill) referred to is a big deal. We need to trust not only him, but us. This is a different kind of responsibility. We need to be figurin out how to switch to older parts so that after an hour appointment, we can walk to the door and be driving to work or home. With Dr. W. ... this was pretty hard.  We’d spend hours hiding out in abandoned rooms and labs, lost in the stairwell, or once even up a tree. (Henry loves trees, but that didn’t go so well with hospital security...)

We think that you trust to different degrees. We trust that we can write a good Qnote, but some of the younger parts? To start with Mimi most often sleeps, doesn’t know words and makes throat sounds like, "uh-uh-uh-uh." Crystal thrashes, Gracie offers paralysis and Anna appears terrified of attack. None of these understands being "out." 

Picture - http://www.fisher-price.com/us/littlepeople/products/default.asp?section=nei&id=21660

Duck, Duck Grey Duck (Goose)

Yesterday was a pretty good day all considered. We started at Dr. M’s office, then went to work and worked ‘til late.

Sr. Tess was in and out of her office. She was crabby, so we dedicated our day to staying in our office. We were able to concentrate well and progressed the work. We worked with three clients, but focussed most of the day, on one.

We went through all the notes written on this one individual for a one year period and did the corresponding Qnotes. This particular client is very, very quiet and introverted and hardly speaks. The DSP is doing very well with her and she was told this.  Although the client sleeps through a good portion of many days, she is just starting to show her preferences which we support all the way. Actually, kind of proud of her for the changes over the course of the year. 

Earlier at Dr. M's, I’d (Corey-28 yrs.) been out while waiting for the appointment. Was thinking through with Ayn (44 yrs.) of what was important to be remembering about the week. But, then time was lost and I wasn’t out front when Dr. M. Called for us. Anniemi (15 yrs.) knew that there had been a switch enough to pass that message on to Dr. M., but then soon after Annemarie (13 yrs) took over the majority of the time.

She seems to be living in a bad dream. It again involved the Grandfather and his 4 poster bed. We know that Dr. M. was working to get her to understand that she was now in his office, but Annemarie didn’t seems able to allow that reality into her consciousness. We think she then became afraid to move, because she thought our Crystal (2 1/2 yrs.) would come out fighting.

But, instead Anna (4 yrs.) came out and said something about a bunny, then left. Casies (7 & 9 yrs.) were next they seemed to be able to concentrate by "jumping" to get hold of an older part ... Jamie (32 yrs). 

It's new that Annemarie sees Dr. M. an unheard of to have Anna.  Crystal has never been.  It's very difficult on the "system" to have so many switches, but maybe there is more trust now.

Picture - http://www.courses.umass.edu/chappell/Images/Desc/DescDuck.html

Twinkling Stars

We just want to report that we’ve had a very very wonderful nice day off! Actually, a day and a half.

We went out for Chinese with our friend Saturday night after work. We woke up a little later than normal and still got a nap in before 8 am. Then we went out to breakfast with our older son, Macadam, and our granddaughter, Abby. Then after that we stopped over at our middle son’s house, Tanner, and from there picked up our youngest son, Jacob, for a birthday lunch. (Now the boys are 20, 21, & 23 ... we're out of the teens!) In between these occurences and bedtimes we just read and wrote!

See, see pretty good huh? Hehehe. Absolutely couldn’t have had a nicer time!

So now is the time we sit back and do some braggin! First off, Abby is without a doubt the most wonderful little girl a Grandmother could imagine! She’ll be three years old the 21rst of this month. She's not only sparkly, she's bouncy too!  Besides the slurpee kiss we got in saying goodbye, the best part is after her father convinced her to sing the ABC song and Twinkle, Twinkle. Oh man! Could that melt a person’s heart! Just the sweetest little songstress!

Her Daddy was doing very well for himself. He put himself on one of those non-carb diets and has lost 18 pounds. He’s 5-11 and now down to like 172, He said that 165 is a good weight for him. Lookin mighty handsome! He says he had his best week last week (of the year), but that the market was pretty hard. I guess there are a lot of fluxuations? He also said that Lee, his wife, is now working part time for Tanner. She’s getting paid very well to do his odd jobs (cut down his stress) and so now Lee is thinking she might go back to school. She already has a BA in photography and French. Macadam says she wants to work in the adoption field. Yeah Lee!

The Big Guys Game

Jacob is also doing well, hehe except for this one hard class ... some kind of computer language class that starts with an "A."  Maybe Assembler?  Darn memory! It’s supposed to be more complex and thorough than C++. We had a fantastic conversation about it. I can understand things as he's explaining them, because he allows me to ask questions, but we can't hold it in memory after he stops talking.  Seems he can do the work easily enough, but he's got poor study habits.  He's never had to do much more than hear it once to understand.  He tried to convey to me how programming works. I can sorta understand a teensy bit better ... something way past bits and bytes. He told me how much a Gigabyte holds and at least three levels past that, plus what it is people do with these big numbers of memory. He is very into writing very powerful efficient programs. He says he would like to work on designing games and after that he would like to teach computers to high school students.

Jacob talked about Tanner a little bit. He says that Tanner has his own Guild and that it is already in the top 10 in the Shadowbane game. Jacob says that Tanner is supposed to be a very good leader and without Tanner, the game would be nothing for any of them. The Guild only includes Tanner and Jacob, Jacobs friend, 3-4 of Tanner’s friends, and three of their cousins. Hehe this is the son who earned over a million dollars last year. We figure he can play as many "games" as his heart can handle!

See, see ... we told you we were going to brag.

I think the hardest part of the day was the realization that compared to my kids and "Ex" that I’m kind of a slouch in the intelligence department. Jacob doesn’t think I’m slouchy and says that I shouldn’t worry about it, because he’s picked up other things from me ... More the human side of life. We tried to take some comfort here. So what if I can’t count past 999 million, trillion, gazillian and three. Eh, I still get to be Their mother!

Just the Way Things Are

Yeeks! Now it seems, we’ve been busted by our J-community! Just finished looking at our last comments. 

First off. We better explain "days off." Well ... can’t really do this too good, cuz well ... I do have time off! I have Sundays! AND, usually I have the first Saturday of the month off cuz the Sisters go on retreat ... just this last one ... well, we’re coming up to inspection from the State like February 25th and we’ll be inspected by our accreditation service middle of April.

We are very, very behind. I had double a normal load of work, but then my within 7 months time last year, my father, step-mother, and Godfather died. Then I ended up in the hospital diagnosed with diabetes, then we were hospitalized two separate times for depression, then for a couple of months we worked only half days trying to recover. It was like I was "in" for appearance only.  (And, we're past the point of wanting sympathy here.  We really are ok.)

Sister and the staff worked together to cover my end of the immediate client concerns, but I had 24 clients and none of their monthly one-page summaries were done during that period. The big deal was CARF - the accreditation stuff wasn’t touched either (Sister had decided this was "our" job) and that is a very long can-we-get-it-done-in-one-year-project?

To add to that mess ... is the problem with my need for order and detail. After I’d gotten better, we were still taking a long time to get through the work. Everything had to be figured out. I’ve got a pretty good figurer, but it requires time.  We're not the "Super Ann" that she'd needed.

There isn’t much time left. Sister was back in her office yesterday. She’s angry at me for having put the Center at risk. I know that she’s now a little behind, and the two others on the Administration Team are way behind in their work as well, but I am the worst, cuz there was more on my regular plate due to CARF. 

I know theoretically, there wasn’t much that could be done to have avoided the problems of last year and they should have covered my position better, but the nature of my field is that EVERYONE is overworked and underfunded. Immediate needs are cared for and secondary needs, like documentation is put on back burner.  So, the best thing to do is make do the best you can. And, at least I know we’re tryin. If Sister wasn't sick and worried, she'd know that too.

Workaday Soup for the Soul

We’re already at work.  The early morning went by too fast.  We enjoyed ourselves in a more leisurely walk through the J-neighborhood.  We’re hoping that tomorrow time will allow us to be visiting some new journals as well.
 
97% of the time, we enjoy being at the Center from the time someone opens the door til past the moment we say, “Good morning office!”  We hear that Sr. Tess is still sleeping, so Sr. Flo slipped us some homemade chicken soup for later.  Hehehe Sister Tess told her not to feed the staff.  Nuns are so gosh darn sneaky!
 
Usually, we don’t, but last night we left everything out on both desks.  Two separate projects going on at the same time.  The Qnotes are set up on the computer desk and medical records are set up on another.  We’re trying to get seven of our clients in for psychological evaluations (required each 5 years), so between them we have to fill in 56 pages of information requested.  That’s literally!  Eh, just got to feel the rhythm.
 
One of the highlights of yesterday was being able to work with the secretary.  Usually, we don’t because of interfering with Sr.’s needs, but without Sr. Tess she was running low of work.  Beauty to my ears!  We found for her a  translation chore and set her up to be copying all the seven sets of documents that need to go in with those medical records … sweet!
 
Sr. Tess' resting isn't sitting so well with her.  Twice she walked the long distance to our office and we received three phone calls from her.  On the last trip, she started to list out what she was going to do in her office today.  Well, that didn’t sit well with US!  *Sigh* 
 
We had one questionable experience yesterday.  A mother who we believe to be neglectful of her daughter called and said her doctor won’t release a medical report of a physical until her daughter’s face clears up from a rash. Either she is telling the truth and the doc is trying to enforce compliancy from her too, or she lied to avoid making an effort … the doc can’t skip making a report … he would have followed-up in writing. 

Are We Ready?

Last night was a Dr. M. Appointment. We never know what will happen or who will take the "floor." Last night primarily there was only a couple who spoke. The entire session felt as if a debriefing of the week’s events at work.

I don’t believe we stopped chattering the entire session. We barely waited long enough for Dr. M. to intercede with his thoughts. The more nervous of the speakers was myself (Corey), then later a tired Kate. She is much more calm and steady. We seemed to need to tell him all the important details of how the story had unfolded.

He was told as many decisions as I could remember. For example, the day had started upon arriving at the Center (on time) and Sister Flo’s voice had met us before reaching her door. She warned me with her facial gestures that there were already problems.

As the day turned ... Two of the four DSPs were absent, the other Q wasn’t coming in until 10, the two DSP’s who were there were each a half an hour late and the spare cog (the job coach) didn’t check in ... choosing to hide in the back eating her breakfast for the first 20 minutes. Fortunately, the secretary was on top of her game...

There are procedures for this kind of day ... The most important priority is that someone is with the clients at all times. So for a while, we had Sr. Watching the front while I covered the back three groups. At every turn there seemed to be some problem needing a slight coax or guidance.

At 10 am things had to be resettled again. The job coach needed to leave, the other Q was not in yet, and I had a 10 am intake meeting. Sr. Flo accepted the position of seeing the change through with us. She’s just the most gentle patient loving soul.

The intake meeting *sigh* one of the hardest I’ve ever gone through. The prospective client was very wild. She ran ahead three times rushing into various rooms. The mother had to argue and threaten to regain control. She’s very low functioning, doesn’t speak, loves to grab things and is very much like the younger Helen Keller. God save us! Hehehe. The DSPs were like, "Um, who gets her?"

Finally, the last hour of the day, we felt ready to sit down at our desk and clear it from the paperwork that had amassed. All others' problems were cared for. Please believe me when I say with all sincerity, I looked with great relief to the start of my first Qnote of the day. One down ... a gazillion left to follow.

Patiently having had Waited

Yesterday was long and tiring, but a deeply satisfying day. Momentarily skipping all the rest ... at the end of the day before leaving for my doc appointment, we were greeted up front by new and comforting sounds. Sr. Tess had returned to the building.

I met Sr. Flo first. She said Sr was in the kitchen. I dared to peek in and around the corner. She had stopped to rest by their serving cart her coat still on and reaching out to steady herself and catch a breath. I think there was a moment when neither of us spoke. Then our palms facing up, we asked slowly and deliberately, "So, well ... how are you?!"

Poor Sr. Tess. She appeared to reevaluate herself slowly and carefully.  She then shared she was very tired. We could feel the wrinkles in our forehead scruntch up as we began to scold ligtly, "You are going to bed, right?" She didn't offer an argument. Instead she confirmed, "Yes, I’m going to bed." We felt satisfied as we watched her withdraw herself.

There were a few words spoken with Sr. Flo. I think we’d both found in each other an ease of communication over the last week as we "worried" together. At this point, she’d started fiddling with something in the sink. She seemed to give me a sidelong and humbled escape of thought. She said, that after having gotten in the car ... Sr. Tess had stated firmly ... "No conversation!" Poor Sr. Flo with her love of talk silenced herself instantly. She said to me with a shudder ... not one word had been spoken the whole trip home!

Hehehe ... just gotta love the Sisters!

Things had run well in Sr’s absence, but not without some effort. I was appreciative for the sake of order that Sr. Flo had delegated me so many confidences and decision making responsibilities. We’re yet to hear how this will turn out, when and if Sr. Tess inquires further into matters.

I’m glad they were able to return before the snow, yet after the clients had left for the day. I was appreciative Sr. Went straight to bed without looking at her desk. Next, there will be recovery time, but I believe almost everyone will be much relieved in her having returned.

Friday is a mass day at the center. Father Alfredo will come and lend himself to the cherubs who’ve waited patiently praying for Sr’s return. As far as they were to know. She’s been resting in the back.  God bless them all and to the purposes of Sr. Tess.

Lot's of Prayers Answered

Morning! We’re sorry that we’re behind in our journal reading. AOL has been down the early morning hours and we lost time. Thanks to Bill  for accepting our terribly long letters, we kept our self from going Loss-of- AOLJournals-crazy.

Bill gave us some great, great questions and thoughts. If there is anyone else with the same, please do not hesitate to write.  We’re feeling important this morning!!

There is excellent news to be passing on ... We visited with Sr. Theresa in the hospital again last night and she seems to have made tremendous strides forward with her health. They didn’t pin down anything in the blood or x-rays. She Is still weak, but can pull herself up now, without strenuously rolling.

She says though that they had wanted her for 2-3 days longer. Then, nun-or-no-nun, she had to sign an affidavit for them, that she’ll continue to rest at home without working. They are darn sneaky these nun-people!

She seemed happy enough to see us. She was actually smiling and stuff! Well, not great big smiles, but close enough! This time we brought her a few things that we thought up (one of her other favorite staffs and us). This other staff does a lot of errands with Sr. Tess so knew how to pick up the best nectarines and bananas. Sr. Said she would have them before her breakfast got there this morning.

We also sent her some bottled water for when the nurses are too slow in getting there. The retired lady who used to work at our Center sent along a small jar of peppermint candies for Sr’s dehydration and Sr. Flo and one of the bigger groups sent along home made cards. We did ask her a few business questions, but we kept it to only 5 minutes. Most often with Sr. It’s better to ask direct, than to guess what she wants done. She’ll always be an in-charge type person.

We caught her up on some of the happenings at the center. She likes to know hehehe - whose causing trouble (both clients and staff). I thought her asking was a great sign of her getting better, but we were cautious. We did a lot of assuring that everything was going well. We told her everyone’s afraid of goofing up her master plan. Sr. Is just a little over 5', but she has a terrific wallop! Sure will be good to see her coming back this afternoon! Spirit is uplifted greatly!

All My Prayers

Mornin ... We’ve pretty much worked our way through the first morning hours. We were looking through children’s books for a friend. Lot’s to think of in finding just the right ones.

Yesterday, went by without too much mishap. Though I can’t say that getting work done was easy. We had trouble concentrating. Things seem so different without Sr. Tess at her desk. We get along with Sr. Flo very well, but it’s not the same to see her where OUR Sr. Should be! And, Sr. Flo was always on the phone. OUR Sr. Doesn’t use the phone except for 3-4 minute business calls.

Hmpf!

Ok, take it up a level...

After work, we went by to visit Sr. Tess in the hospital. We waited until we saw that the dinner trays were collected, then we had the nurse ask her if she was receiving guests. The nurses acted like nobody ever does this. Maybe they don’t have many Sr. Tess’ around?!

I saw a Sr. Tess, I’d never seen before. She was laying down and looked swallowed up in the bed. She had trouble moving due to her weakness and she didn’t seem able to find a comfortable position. She had an IV, but also sipped cool water, she was hot, then cold. She was having trouble breathing and we had to strain to hear her voice. She’s not eating or resting well either. They were mentioning virus’ during the day, but nothing concrete except she was very low on salt and her potassium was off. Lot’s of tests.

Sr. Tess was talking as if she’d be coming home today, but we are clearly guessing no one else has that in mind. The diagnosis is not even complete! It seemed right to be there, though of course there were the frets of "you didn’t have to come!" Right, right ... like I think of much else?? We stayed about a half hour. At that point, she gave us our cue to leave.

We let her do most the talking, but we were always ready with the next comment or question. We slowed our pace way down. She was troubled by the part that none of the nursing staff seemed able to smile. So, we tried to make up ... but, our tears found us anyway. She was critical of her age. She said it was too noisy to pray, but then when I got up to leave ... she reminded me that all you can do is live by faith.

Please Take Care of Sr. Tess and her New Staff

Last night, I talked to Sr. Flo when she got back from helping Sr. Tess.  She said Sr. Tess went to her doctor’s appointment with her and that within two minutes of walking through the door, the Dr. started the process of admitting Sr. Tess to the hospital. 
 
Sr. Tess is in good hands now, but she didn’t go without complaint.  Sr. Flo says she nearly exploded on the poor intake worker who asked her religion.  The Sisters dress traditionally from top to bottom, pretty nun-Catholic like! 
 
Sr. Flo also says that Sr. Tess told the doctor she was never in her entire life hospitalized.  She’s kind of a tough lady … maybe we better bless the nursing staff too, hmm...
 
The sisters were thinking it might have something to do with her potassium being unbalanced.  It might take 2-3 days to go through all the blood tests.
 
We haven’t thought through proper our appointment with Dr. M., and we had a little extra time to process an old school loan and maybe getting me shoes without holes in them.  We found a specialist here in the city that is able to charge insurance for orthopedic shoes for diabetics.  That was good luck.
 
On the car end … we feel extremely fortunate.  It turned out to be defective stabilizers.  Just know it was a $90 repair (could have been much worse!) and that because of it we were at very high risk from having cut our brake lines.  But … all the precautions were taken.
 
As far as work … we’re already here ready to see what we can make of the day.  We’ve had to scold Sr. Flo for shoveling and emptying garbage though.  We’ve got other people to do these things!  Thinking everyone wants it to run smoothly until Sr. Tess gets back.  *Sigh*

Sexuality - A is for little Ayn's

Mornin ... we’re not sure of the day. We’re finding ourselves off-scheduled due to the car. Just called into the boss. It be hard to tell who was more disappointed at the turning of events. My help has inferred that I should be planning to rearrange my schedule over the next two days. I don’t think with possible car costs that it would be feasible/practical to rent a car.

Just a bit down, I’m afraid. Maybe also because today is my grandfather’s birthday. He was the one who we were sexually abused by. Each year I try to forget and each year it raises its blistered hand to be causing grief within the system. His name was Al and he was born February 2nd and died on February 5th, the birthday of my youngest child. This latter day is celebrated in our household for change it represents in our world.

We’ve been avoiding thoughts of our last session with Dr. M. We’re hoping though that he will find it acceptable to talk by phone today.

It seems like Dearheart is having trouble being caught in a space-time continuum. It took us some time and trouble to bring the images that she appears to be living into focus. We are left limp of the results. It took quite a while before anyone would confess the thoughts to Dr. M. Thinking we’re going to need to deal with it a little this morning. We’re feeling shamed.

"A" is the position that is haunting us ... there seems to be a story that goes with it. He’d taught us a game of chasing soft fluffy bunnies down the hole. We’re thinking now it was a means of stimulation for him. We figure that it could have been to relieve terror, but, then it doesn’t seem that by the age of 4, we were terrorized any more. Except for whisker burns.

By then had been created the two Casies. One played the game with pleasure, the other said, "No."

Casey, the first one was trained to think it was loving to be adored by our grandfather. KC the second had been caught and shamed into thinking that she was already a woman (because there had been blood) and that this compared to being a dirty animal. She was also taught that it was her responsibility and duty to control her emotions.

We were feeling numbed and am now sensing anger by these thoughts.

Freedom to Be

When we’d reached out crossed the passenger’s seat last night to retrieve our coffee cup, we came upon something of great interest. It is a photograph of what we’re pretty sure is Dr. M.

It is now sitting aside us looking ever so calmly! There are those of us in our system, who’ve never gotten to look at him. I think that is why he gave us the picture.  Pretty strange, I suppose, because we’ve now known him for almost 5 years. Most often we see him through lowering our head and eyes.

We were struck for looking at my mother. We were trained to think it was disrespectful to challenge her by seeing or talking to her. It seems now like a punishment better bestowed on a rabid dog.  Yes ma’am, no ma’am.

I know that Dr. M’s picture is giving us a new safety.  Also, my mother has contacted us saying that its been over a year and she expects a letter from us.  

It is difficult to offer a part of your life directly to another. We know that Sr. Tess get's sometimes angry at us.  We sink in the feelings presented.  We grew up in shame, a mistress of spite and hatred.

Thinking now again of my mother, I’m pretty sure she was against us having feelings what-so-ever. We were terrorized for being happy, sad, or angry. Other feelings like confusion, curiousness, insightfulness ... none of these were acceptable.  Hopelessness, despair, or loneliness were fine, just best be kept to self.

I’m not feeling negative right now ... these are feelings that we’ve felt. It’s just that it seems to be coming up now as something we have to think through. There seems to be such a strong want to be strong and masterful and not guided by whims of insecurity. Not necessarily that this would come from, Sr. Tess directly ... She's with faults, particularily in the area of anger management. 

But, it seems as if there is something within us that is fierce and needs to be channeled more purposefully. We need to find the strength of our ability and dedicate ourselves to perhaps a more just and tolerant intention.  

There's seems a much bigger world going on out there then in our secure isolation.  Independence is more than just the ability to choose seat down and door open.  I'm pretty sure of this.

Oh Oh

Shoot, is it still morning yet? We stayed up late last night, woke about 6, then went back to bed until 9 am. This is totally strange. Have to pull together my senses now. Hmm, maybe start by reheating the coffee? Yep, yep...

It was another one of those long, but good 12 hours days at the office. Besides the first hour, we were able to stay pretty much on track all through the day. Worked on a couple of clients both in the areas of Qnotes and Annuals. Would have liked to had had one more hour to finish, but I know Sr. Tess is watching the clock.

There was a problem in going home. Right before I got on the expressway, there was a loud noise coming from the bottom of my car. I was able to pull it into a gas station, but it wasn’t the kind that had mechanics. I thought maybe it was the ice around the wheels scraping, but that wasn’t it. I couldn’t see the muffler hanging, so I checked it out once more. Yep, still making that bad noise!

So, I called my friend. We had already agreed to meet up at 8 pm. Fortunately, the gas station was attached to a Subway sandwich place, so the waiting was warm and dinner was eaten. When my friend tried the car ... the sound was there, but then it stopped, so he decided we’d switch cars and try to get it home.

About the last 1/4 of a way, the noise started up pretty bad again. He thought it might be something about my brakes being loose or something. So, we’re going to need to address it first thing tomorrow morning. Just hate when this kinda stuff happens.

We were supposed to follow him home, but he shot out of there pretty fast and before I got out of the gas station his gas light started to flash orange. Shoot, just made it seem like I wasn’t ever going to make it home. Fortunately, we had our card with us. *Giggle* Got him some window wash too! Man, talk about car neglectful ...

Hmm, wondering now if the gas station down the corner is open and if it wouldn’t pay to have it towed down there today? Stands to reason if the brakes are broken, we shouldn’t be driving it, right? Hmm, didn’t answer. Maybe we’ll try again in a little bit.

Maybe we’ll feel a little less tense after we walk around the J-block ... It’ll be ok, right? It’s pretty important though to have a car that’s working.  *Sigh...*