Wednesday's Woes

Hi. It’s me again ... We have a half an hour and having too much trouble concentrating to do school reading like we should be. We have 17 pages left to read and a paper to write before midnight tonight. We also have a Dr. M. Appointment tonight and tomorrow night both at 4:30 pm. He has been gone for a week or a little more. We’ve had a tough last twelve hours.

Our friend came over and one thing over another ... He took us through the couple months of mail that we’ve stored up. A week or two we paid the double payment on the bills we knew about over the computer, so that’s not too bad, but it turns out through a quick run through of stuff we have jury duty in six days, am in trouble with city ... cuz of city sticker, and because we haven’t taken care of emissions our license is revoked. Plus, we’re within a day or two of not having medicine. Should have taken care of that because to get 3 months requires an extra week or two. I’ve got good support for this between my couple of friends, Dr. And son, but I think everyone is kinda frustrated with us. If I get A’s in graduate school you would think we’d be able to open mail. :( There is some good stuff though too. We are working, going to school and therapy full time. We’ve lost 12 pounds with our diet buddy, did manage to pay some bills, house is pretty good, and dishes/clothes washed. And, we managed to get an appointment with younger son to take care of his school loan, though now it seems there is not enough money for gas or brunch. We’ve got $0 in our pocket, but our checking account says there is money enough in there to pay rent and last $450 in bills we’ve sent, but have not been cashed yet. That leaves us with $135 between medicine, gas, smokes, parking, and son. That’s not quite enough. Next check is supposed to be here next Monday or Tuesday. Maybe our one friend will see us over. BUT, there is little groceries and those problem things are going to take some cash too. Plus, I’m going to need telling sister I have to cancel state required meeting I was supposed to go to on the same day as jury duty. I wasn’t able to keep responsible parts out when our friend was helping go through the four bags of mail yesterday without crying. And, talked to our other friend this morning. We sent correspondence out and included Dr. M. And our oldest son. Our one friend has suggested we get help from a social worker with the bills and household things. We’ll talk to Dr. M. About thatthis afternoon. You’d figure if we could get A’s in graduate school, we could open the darn mail. :(

Ok, ok ... need to calm down here. Feel panicked. Turned on gentle music. At times like this we like to here Charlotte Church, and no, I don’t expect anyone to know who that is.

Kind of scared ... I don’t usually get in trouble with the law. And, although we’ve caught up in car insurance, some where hiding in all that hundreds of mail is probably not only a birthday card or two, but as well our current insurance card. Thinking if we were pulled over or checked by the local police at work, they would take away our car, or if stopped we’d be found unbuckled, without current insurance card, having no sticker, or license. Feeling pretty overwhelmed.

Ok, you. Get a grip on it. Gotta concentrate here. Maybe, we should take our shower and our medicine. Everything’s been done that could be done for this exact moment. Hmm, good thing is we arranged a guest speaker for tomorrow at work to speak to clients and staff and Friday is the center’s picnic. Most likely we won’t go, but no thinking group that day or staff meeting tomorrow. That should help. Ok, shower, medicine, get smokes, go to work, work through legal problems, get tonight’s homework in go to therapy, weigh-in and go to bed. Full day. We can do this, right? BREATHE!!!!!

                                                               

                       

 

                            

  

AHA! Found the Weekend!!!

Wow ... this is turning out differently. Three entries in one day. Hopefully, this one won’t be as strange as the last two. I am expecting to put myself to bed in a short while. We’re very tired. However, I have just discovered there is a little Margarita Mix in the house. That and a little OJ ... mmm ... I thought surely, this is a good means to celebrate having made it to Friday night!

I am very happy to put the day behind me. It was one of those struggle to get through it days. Well, I did it! I’m on the other side. Now comfy in pjs and my hair down. I’m thinking it has been a while since we purposely gave ourselves a break from school. This is a light weekend. Only one paper to write, and most likely reading time which will really help me out next week. So, we’re tucking that baby in, right now!

I haven’t seen or heard from my kids of late. So, not much to say there. My friend has gone fishing again for the weekend. Rumor has it he was over on Wednesday night and someone fell asleep. I need to work on my hostess manners. Just sometimes he makes things seem so safe and secure ... Well, what is there to be said for wide shoulders?

There’s really nothing I want to talk about work. Too close to the subject yet. I don’t want to give myself a fright. Let’s just end that note by saying ... The check’s in the bank! YAHOOOO!!

Whoops take medicine ... BRB. Ok, on schedule. Push come to shove, that might have been part of my problem scooting off to work this morning. I had forgotten to take the medicine. Ok, ok ... turns out I’m a mess without it. *Sigh*

Damn tasty Margarita! Cheers to V! And, my friend ... We had gone out for Margarita’s so he left the remains of our home stock intact! YAYYYY Friend! I understand that it is supposed to rain all weekend where he is at. It has been explained to me this makes good fishing. It has to be a guy thing. He said he was packing the rain gear. Go figure most likely the only "rain" sport a live!

Since our life is really pretty small and tightly wound, there is not much else to talk about accept the Good Dr. M. Hehehe, this is a woman’s thing! Hmm, Either that or I could turn on the TV? Wow that be different ... Let’s see if my show is on ... Wallah! Who woulda thought special crimes might be relaxing??! Oh man ... an excuse to use cushy couch. YAYYYYYYYYY! Ok, signing off!

Whimpering...

Mornin ... well, still morning ... It’s now about 7 am. I’m going into work about an hour late, because I’m being swamped with so much emotion right now ... we’re at a point where, we finished the last writing assignments, so am caught-up with homework. Our minds are having a much tougher time getting caught with what is going on in our head. Basically, Dr. M. Has become well entrenched in the images that are flashing past me, and ours. I need some time to settle things down.

First, I want to say for the record and our own sanity, that we know it somewhat normal to be in therapy and get feelings for one’s therapist. Secondly, I want to note for the record that we hold no thought of our therapist suddenly bedding us down. Though, I can’t say that all our parts can distinguish themselves from everything we are feeling toward that direction. There is a lot of fantasy happening in our head. I think we’re ok, if we can keep the perspective that it isn’t something we’re going to act out. We as a system trust Dr. M. Much too much to think he would ever dismay our trust. He isn’t coming from bad internally bad places where wrong behaviors were the norm. I’m not as sure of ourselves as being as reliable. But, we trust him.

I feel somewhat scared. Not of him, but in that we seem to be preparing ourselves to feel strong feelings. I don’t know how we are going to be with all that. I don’t know why this is all happening now, and I don’t know if we’ve come close to something that feels this big in the past. We’ve long since protected ourselves by the stiffling of younger parts and their feelings. We’ve addressed them one at a time, but have somehow limited them. I don’t think we’re going to suddenly open the lion’s cage to see what would happen. However, the door to a couple of back cages have been open. It has to have happened to be feeling things this strongly. Again fear seems top most. In just saying this I can feel ourselves ducking down our head. It seems like when one dog lowers his head to another out of dominance/fear. Though if I hold on to our minds properly, we might intellectualize ourselves in that we are not an animal. It’s just that we feel like it. Things are getting more confused now. Having periods go by where we’re just feeling. Trying to let go of the panicked chatter happening in our head. Trying to reach quiet. It’s hard. We’re having intrusive thoughts. I need something safe. See Dr. M. Holding a small person’shand walking away from us down a long hall. Seems like the place we went for doctors appointments when we were a kid. Lot of side pictures too fast. Keep trying to avoid ... Dr. M. Is indicating we sit on the cold papered exam table. We don’t seem to want him to go. Crying. Shrieking. Holding his arm standing on the table. Ouch mother image ... sobbing hysterically, crawl up into Dr. M.’s arms/chest. Feeling of burying self in his shoulders. He takes me out of the room. We go to look at the low fruit trees. Slowing down. Tired. It will be a while before we can let him put us down. He talks gently about the ducks and geese by the pond.  Hot steamy tears. Need to stop ... watch time. It’ll be ok, It’ll be ok. Things seem safer ... Just a bit ... feel cautious, leery. He is here.  I can feel his chest more than the cold table. Slow ... less pictures. Now, just looking at my words. Sensing I have fingers that are moving. Maybe its time to rest a minute ... we’ll need a shower in a few. Oh Lordy, what is happening to my mind?

Tired, but achy for warmth and tenderness

Good morning,

It’s been about a week since I’ve written and I thought I would steal these few moments in since it is not really regular time for me to be up, yet here I am! It’s only 11:30 HEHEHE. HMM, WHAT WILL Dr. V. Think about that?! Thief, Thief!!

I don’t know quite where to start, so I’ll try first thoughts. Well, to be honest ... first thought is frustration mixed with a little silliness. We got back the results of a paper from the writing course where the teacher does not like us so much. She gave us a 76%. I am thinking this is like a low "C," but am not sure. Depends whether An "A" breaks of as 93% (86%, 79%) or 90% (80%, 70%). Yep, yep ... Honestly, this is still obviously bothering me. In the other two courses I have gotten, or am getting still "Excellent" marks, so it’s kinda sucky. :(

ok, let’s have a life here!

Other than that life is going on about as normally as it gets for me. We had a good staff meeting yesterday, though there is a worrisome part that I will need to talk to Sr. Tess about this morning. We’ve been incorporating our course work with issues that are happening around the center. The DSP’s are paying very good attention. However, one staff is having a very difficult time, particularly in handling her group when she is alone. She is an older woman and has the secondary position of group IV, though has to take the primary position when the other DSP of that group is missing. I knew, but couldn’t let the others know, that this staff had gotten so upset the day before that she told Sr. Tess that she was quitting. She came back yesterday, so that was an optimistic sign, but she really needs help and without giving specifics was showing her need in the staff training group.

She was at that point of thinking that nothing would help, because it was obviously the problem of the devious client. She kept repeating, "I’ve tried that, I’ve tried that ... nothing is working." The problems were more severe than could be handled simply in the group format given the time allowed. I told her I would check with Sr. Tess to see if I could come in the group with her to work through some stuff, or whether, the other QMRP could since the troublesome client is hers. The last thing that should happen is we abandon the DSP’s to problems, that we will not step in to help them resolve.

I’ve seen this kind of thing happen before with Sr. Tess. She get’s an idea (she’s been talking to me) that the staff is not competent and rather deal with the reality of the client’s problems - that are now affecting or triggering the others in the room, she is blaming the staff. To be honest, I think the staff has issues, but they are compounded by the inadequacies of us higher ups. I’ve stayed away from it because again the problem client is the other QMRP’s. Sr. And the other Q, and other DSP add their own tensions. They are with the troublesome client less, but are trying to place guilt on the DSP by saying only, well we can handle the client, so obviously, it is you that is a problem and we’re not really going to help you. The DsP in question is a meek, mild person ... an old fashioned church-goer type. The client is aggressive and strong, even though, or maybe especially very low functioning, non-verbal. She hasn’t enough to do in the small room so she is bullying the other members of the group ... AND with this particular DSP. The Power balance is backward and frustrated. Sr. Tess is to the point of saying ... well, if this DSP walks out, I’m not going after her. But, she is worried, because the other DSP in the room has been and will be taking time off for a troublesome first trimester of pregnancy. She is spotting and being told by her dr. to stay home, but isn’t, because she feels she needs to be at work, and she needs the money. So ... always the question of what to do next. Only thing I can do is to volunteer some time to be assisting the DSP. I won’t know how to help her best until I’m allowed in the room with her. I’ll have to wait and see if Sr. Tess is going to allow me to become involved. We’ll see.

In other news of my interest ... we are still progressing with Dr. M. Last week or so, he told us that we have reached a new level. I’m not sure why, but I think that it may be, because we are able to give our situation another perspective due to what we are learning in the lifespan course of our own development. Last night we had another session our core part, Annemarie was out, as was two of our really young parts, Anna and Gracie. Of course, Casey was in and out and a very beleaguered Corey. Hehe I can say this knowing that it was me! It’s hard for me to put together annemarie’s part, but it seems that she is being affected more directly from contact with younger parts, especially Anna. I am not sure who is feeding more from the other the negative levels we’re all processing.

Anna was out the most, though it is annemarie’s behavior in trying to skirt past Dr. M at the door. It’s happened forever that our system cannot walk past him well on the way into the room. We become very fearful of him and hug the other side of the wall. Anna was feeling the fear and for about 20 minutes was out in a very regressed state. She backed up in the couch, spoke in a slow whispery voice and remained there with her hands covering her face as to ward off a blow. I don’t know the words Dr. M. Was using to connect with her, but I know he was very nice and comforting. I could hear this in his tone of his singsong voice. Due to the stiffness of her body, we could tell that gracey was with her, so may have been more fearful than normal for her.

She seemed to distinguish between her parents and Dr. M., in that he told us afterward that she only felt the feelings as if she knew they were there, so in some way she was connected to it being Dr. M. In the room. That and the fact that she was talking to him were both good signs. Another thing that we’d picked up was the part that Dr. M. Had told her that he "cares about us." This came as a revolutionary swoop to our system. We are having boundary issues due to the level of intimacy we feel toward him which may be bound more from the incest then anything else.   We're also being affected by our reading of gender issues in this week's school work.  In general we have been doing a lot of ruminating between sessions which also might be a consequence of the abuses.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the experience with Dr. M and gracie and Anna taking a walk with him at the beach. It was a very peaceful imaginative space entered. We felt very much the part of holding his hands as a younger self where we had to reach up to do so. Since then, we’ve been in places where our minds are processing what it would be like to crawl up beside him, especially laying down. We feel ourselves surrounded by the feelings of comfort he gives to us. Then somehow those feelings get blended into images where it is he that is curled up and cuddling, but it is with his spouse and it is him feeling the sense of comfort that we want to feel, and am now getting from our images of being with him. All this and knowing that we’re terrified of him crossing the room to be on ourside, due the quickness of our regressions. It is a very dynamic exciting threatening set of feelings all at once. Then too we’re reading cognitively the material on "Attachment" toknow that what we are experiencing isnot necessarily a bad thing.

I don’t know ... not sure of our conclusions here, but it’s now 12:30 am and we’re starting to again feel our tiredness. Think we are going to quickly post then feel the comfort of at least our bed. Night...

Taking a breath

Good morning,

I am here because, #1) someone missed me ... YAYYYYYYYY Maria!! And, #2) because I was missing writing for fun, and #3) I missed my goofy Beetle script! Hehehe. Ok, well maybe more of the one than the other. AHA ... what’s become my favorite song is on. "Swallowed In The Sea," by Coldplay. YAYYYYYYYY V!

Ok, ok ... truth be told I have nothing of great significance to say. I Go to work, I go to school, I go to bed! This is the bane of my existence. Every once in a while something out of the ordinary will happen, like I catch V and we have the same five minutes left of our time to talk, or my friend will drop by and shatter all thoughts of deadlines. *Big sigh*

Hmm, something something here. What IS going on in my mind? Hmm, Dr. M. Appointment tonight ... that is something! I was too busy this week to make the previous appointment. Hmm, not my best thinking, but we had two staffings in three days and the state was coming by to look at four more of my client’s records. This means that homework gets put aside to catch-up the records. YEEKS! I think by Monday or Wednesday next week there will be more deadlines and we’ll make the valiant effort to once more struggle through. In the meantime ... a school deadline was missed last night and there is another one looming by tomorrow. I also had to cancel a licensing meeting I was supposed to be at. However I find the state knocking directly on my doorstep, more important than the state being a couple blocks away. If you get my drift.

I’ve had a problem period last week of getting kind of depressed about everything. Too many deadlines. Feeling inadequate. It is not that I feel any less adequate now, but I’m more on track for let’s get them squeaky wheels oiled.

This morning we took the time necessary to first visit a friend’s journal who is going through Chemo ... You all know Pam. I have been missing that experience this last week. No excuses. She’s going through about the worst things in life right now ... between worries of cancer, treatment, and losing her daughter who has gone over to live with Ex. I admire her bravery, however, I am sure she would think, "But, I’m shaking in my boots and crying in my beer." Then she might add, if I could hold myself up and tolerate something in my stomach. All this and without smokes. Damn. She’s got my vote for anything she might run for. Love her to pieces. I am so grateful that she continues to write.

Nothing else in my life is as significant as all that.

Did I mention I have a Dr. M. Day? You know it is pretty bad when you wake up thinking of your therapy appointment first thing at 2:30 am. We’re not holding real good track of where we are at with all that. Couldn’t tell you. Just vague. If there were anything I would want to talk about it would be what I am learning from the Lifespan course. I’m finding it to be pretty critically significant of my thinking abilities.

Had a hard go of it last night though. My friend came over and he forced himself to read it. Then, he went over and laid out on the couch. He said it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. I think we said something pretty disgruntily, he restated ... all it says is that you do better in life if you’ve been loved.

It’s not that his conclusion wasn’t fair. But, I had gotten so much out of it than the response he had shared. I felt it, breathed it, lived it ... as I was reading and as I had led a life of being "unloved" and having the ability to let it all come about me at once ... the good and the bad and a sense of understanding in a humanistic all encompassing manner.

I became unglued and started to criticize. Then he was saying something that if I didn’t feel like rubbing his feet it would be ok. I might have starred into space a few moments before I said, are you going to at least take your socks off. He then asked, aren’t you going to do that? I might have sighed when I thought, "Yes dear."

After that, I didn’t do so much thinking. Maybe no amount of thought is worth more than the simple rubbing of someone else’s feet. Shoot, even Jesus did it. Maybe it was a Biblical statement ... walking in someone else’s moccasins. Things balance out.