Trying to chill out...

Ok, ok ... we've gone over and over this.  This is simple stuff, right?  Smile, be brave...  You can do it girl!  Hmm, be kind of fun to get Abbe a couple little decorating tubes too?!  Maybe purple and green to offset the brown?  This is the kind of things Grandma's do with 2 1/2 year olds, right?

Morning Woes

Hmm, it’s like morning?  We were up and down several times during the early morning hours, but each time, we went back to bed.  It’s now already 7:30 am!  Yeeks, like lost the whole morning!  I think we’re coming down with something cuz we have a bit of a cough.  *Sigh*
 
Today is the day; we get to go over to Macadam’s for a late Thanksgiving.  I don’t think Tanner will be there, but most likely Jacob and his friend Aldon will be there,  and, of course Lee and my grand daughter Abby.  I’m looking forward to it a lot, but there are problems we have to get through first. 
 
Macadam is doing all the cooking, but he wants me to bring a certain desert.  Its bars made with oatmeal, chocolate chips, and peanut butter.  To most people this would be very simple, but to us … it’s pretty much up there with horrifying.  Means we’re going to have to go out grocery shopping and use the oven.  Neither of these things is easy for us.
 
Hmm, that helps.  Macadam just called to ask a question.  He says it would be ok if we made them at his place after dinner.  The bars themselves just take 6-8 minutes in the oven, and then the chocolate and peanut butter are melted on top of the stove and spread on top of the bars.  Tastes just like Reeses. 
 
This takes off a little pressure.  The store is right on the way to his place; I’ll have them to look forward to and their support.  I wish it wasn’t so difficult for us to be moving around out in the “big world.”    *Double Sigh* we are trying to keep Amy (Slomo) in mind.  Thinking of her in the kitchen is like holding an image of Super Woman! 
 
Calm down.  We didn’t really do too much with the day yesterday.  We really took it easy.  Lot’s of sleeping too.  We didn’t work on the web site at all.  Figured a break would be ok.  Because of the internal switching, sometimes we’re like unable to keep things moving at a forward steady pace.  Different parts with different abilities need time out too, especially noticeable when Dear Heart’s been here.  *Triple Sigh*  It'll be ok.  We love you Dear Heart!

Multiple Thinking So far

Today, we’re playing hooky.  We were going to go to work, but  we called Sr. Tess and told her we wouldn’t be coming in.  We feel a little guilty about this, but then we thought … “But, we’re having SUCH a nice vacation!” 
 
I can’t say we’ve done much in the last couple of days, besides work on our web pages.  There is a tremendous amount of information to be thinking over.  We are appreciating the new set up of Amazon, in that for some of the books it is allowing not only that we can “look inside the book,” but as well now you can, “search inside the book!”  This is wonderful!
 
We still don’t do much “outside shopping” besides Amazon. We can almost imagine the glee encompassed yesterday on young Erin’s face while she was out at 3 in the morning shopping.  You go Erin!  

I can’t explain what we get out of reading and writing and thinking.  Maybe, it is about choices and self determination.  When we were younger and read (quite a bit), we were more into the other places the books could take us in our minds.  There is still that, but now in our older selves, we seem more able to challenge the thinking of the authors that we are reading. 
 
It is like, “ok.  This is what I hear you are saying, but … I don’t want to buy into that line of thinking.  I do appreciate that you’ve challenged my mind!”  Or, “I hear what you are saying and that thought makes all the sense in the world.  Thanks!  It really helps me out.”
 
Yesterday, we wrote and reviewed the material we’ve been going through.  Our thoughts so far are this: 
 
I would like to know more about attachment theories, but mind control is a little too scary for us right now.  We don’t want to buy into the point being made that there are some therapists out there trying to manipulate our minds, but we are willing to concede that mind control is a large factor of the original abuses. 
 
We are not into quick therapeutic “fixes.”  Our two major therapists have both allowed us time and a sense of an “open-ended becoming,” rather than to shuffle us off to preconceived notions of integration.  We are unsure of ego states, but pro – multiples and others sharing their collective experiences.

We'll be over ----> Here

“Indeed we are our own happiness and each time we have strayed from ourselves we have been led to despair.  We cannot find ourselves in others.  We cannot live for others or always be what others want us to be, for what they want may not be what we are and that is all that we have.  We can only rely on ourselves.
 
This is such a simple fact, yet it is perhaps the greatest single cause of human psychological struggle and pain.  It is often easier for us to become what others desire but in so doing we relinquish our dreams, abandon our hopes and ignore our needs.  This leaves us feeling abandoned, weakened and impotent, without a genuine self.
 
We have all we need to become what we are, our perfect selves.  All we need to do to realize it is to recognize it, develop it and live it in action.  We must embrace ourselves as we are and as we have the potential to become before we can embrace life or others.
 
We must yield to the pull toward self-realization in a way which is good, loving, peaceful, joyful, patient and disciplined.  We must have desire to neither control, possess or dominate nor allow others to do to us.  Armed with the daring to turn inward and freed from the tyranny of externality, we must determine our way. 
 
We must affirm ourselves.  We continue to gain the wisdom and strength and freedom to accept as well as reject, to instigate change or remain static, to affect others as well as be affected by them, to determine circumstances as well as be at their mercy.  We are no longer puppets being manipulated by outside powerful forces; we become the powerful force ourselves.
 
For all human acts there are alternatives.  The greater the number of imaginative and creative alternatives to behavior we possess, the more meaningful the choice, the more self determined the action.”
 
Leo F. Buscaglia, Ph.D (1978)
“Personhood, the Art of Being Fully Human.”

 

To all my friends and loved ones ... We're wishing the best to you and yours.  Happy Thanksgiving from all of us!  You are to whom we give our thanks.  Blessings extended to all!

Ayn and All

The Web Catalog is in ... Our First Item

In the book, “Rewriting the Soul,” Ian Hacking (1995) asks, “Is it real?” He referred to the epidemic nature of multiplicity. He wrote that at one time multiplicity was considered rare. Hacking asks, “What happened? What is it? And, what is the answer?” He considered that multiplicity could be a fabrication between doctor and patient or as a social circumstance. He suggests that an intervention should be made and concluded that the situation demand professional caution. He sites the organizational work done by, “the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, but he claimed to be neutral.

Hacking seems to be part of a movement that believes that “… emphasis on personalities is wrongheaded.” He writes that multiplicity is a failure to integrate. He quotes Spiegel (1993) as saying, “The problem is not having more than one personality; it is having less than one personality.” Hacking further writes a comparison of multiplicity  to Alice (in Wonderland). “For this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. ‘But it’s no use now,’ thought poor Alice, ‘to pretend to be two people! Why, there is hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!”

Yesterday, I pulled from my shelves the first book I found on multiplicity. I wanted to write the first item in THE CATALOG. I skimmed through the first chapter. And, I felt anger and betrayal. This author’s thinking horrified me. I don’t have the ability to remember what I have or have not read or who is who, but I’d fallen under the wrong assumption that I have bought only “good books.” I feel strongly that the work of Kathryn Corey Center is being guided by a power much higher than us. So-be-it. This remains the first entry. We hope to offer "some" objectivity. Welcome to our first entry.

There is so much literature to process that I’m simply aglow with encouragement. Today is the center’s first week anniversary. Although I realize it will take years and years to contribute in a worthwhile manner to the field of multiplicity, I feel strongly that there is a fundamental purpose to the work and we WILL proceed. We will be checking out the other books on our shelves before going much further. Along with other ideas, we hope that THE CATALOG will aid our thinking processes. We find it hard to remember, but we do know what allows feeling good or bad. We’re not less than a person!

sorry, just testing... 

            The management

T-Days-a-comin'!!!

*Sigh* Nice to slow down a bit and put up our feet!  We took our old welcoming walk around the J-block.  It was nice to see everyone again.  Can’t believe how busy everyone became all of a sudden?  Figure it’s that holiday thing going on.  Think we might have a little celebration with a friend, and then get a chance to see the boys next Sunday …

Macadam says we’re to cook his favorite dessert.  Hmm wonder where we put that recipe… He says at least he and Jacob are going to want leftovers, and Lord knows that Tanner deserves some too! 

Hmm, pretty soon the trip?  Arizona is sneakin up on us.  Yeeks, what is 2-3 weeks away now?  Let’s see today is the … 23rd … and it’s a Sunday, so next Sunday – with the boys will be on the … umm 30th.  Shoot that would make the trip the following Sunday on the 7th.  That be like two weeks away?!  Yikes.  Ok ok … enough anxiety for one day … We’ll tuck those thoughts away.

We’re looking forward to it being a short week this week.  Just one doctor appointment this week though.  Hmm, hard to think what was happening  pre-dot.com days.  Well, there’s always that.  *Grin* Fortunately, Dr. M.’s a fast reader, cuz you just know we’re going to emphasize he read first  *Giggle*

Let’s see … about 5 pm now.  That means we’ve got about 3 more hours left that we could be spending with the bills.  It’s that or we have to tell Dr. M. we didn’t get to it.  Shoot, rather have him all to the “funner” stuff!  Hmm, means we have to get mail.  Shoot.  We’re no sight to be seen in public!  Maybe we should take a relaxing shower first? 

Think when we get up in the morning, we have to spend a couple of hours too working on the work project that we brought home.  On Saturday, we finished the statistical work and graphs, but we really should be finishing up on the report to hand in.  Hmm, maybe we should plan on at least four hours in the morning.  It’ll be a two to three part project to finish. 

I think our hasty PB & J sandwich will hold for dinner … Hey, we got some fruit too!  Ok, Ok … so there is a plan.  Fruit, shower, get the mail, bills, sleep, work, plus maybe just a little J-entry?  *Giggle* 

Just a Basic Update

We’re really apologetic over not being around more frequently.  We’re behind in our writing and visiting.  "We’re sorry.”  We’re going to try real hard to fix some of our time management problems, but it might take awhile.

The biggest news is that we’re now our own “dot.com.”  I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to think this thought.  This is the direct link to our site.  Kathryn Corey Center - Home.  We’re just terribly excited about it.  We’re not sure why the logo is blurring.  It did that yesterday too and we fixed it, but it didn’t stay put.  It is supposed to say, “Look for the Solution.”

Yesterday, we became so involved and dissociated from “real life,” that we neglected to go to work.  This has to be watched more carefully.  We’re trying to get over the feeling that everything has to be done right away. 

We did enjoy working the program and our thoughts.  We have to wait until business hours Monday to add a catalog feature.  It will be an extra fee, but the one we’re looking at will allow us to develop special entries for the links "to read" and hopefully, better inclusion to responsiveness.  We're hoping to include summaries.

The catalog and the program in general were designed for on-line business.’  *Giggle* that means I could actually have my own shopping cart and credit card feature if we so desired!  Eh, we figure will skip that part.  We want only to "give away" free information and set-up the capability of us entering into discussions with others.  

There a lot of messing around with the site to get it just so.  It’s not a very snazzy place.  Actually, just the basics, but the basics are fairly solid. It needs more links, pictures, survey questions, and there is an option of sending out newsletters.  Very comprehensive.  Hehe, there is even a section for “help wanted!”  Might check that out too!  Maybe our audience "becomes the staff "hired" to contribute back into the Center's work.

We just wanted to add one more note on the staff work that has been done.  In the "Meet the Staff" section we write of all our parts.  Please let us know if this is useful to those of you who are more interested in personalities.  

Kathryn Corey Center

Yesterday, we had a thought and by this morning it seems to have blossomed into a tangible truth! 

We've decided to create for ourselves a center where multiples and others can come together.  We're very proud of this new development.  We would like it to become a place where we can gather our thoughts from the research, journals and little aol web site (practice for the girls if they choose) along with thoughts from others who come by to visit.  

We realize that we're obviously going to have some time management issues.  It seems like there are so many projects in the works.  But, we feel strongly that all the projects will mix into one very neat representation of us, who we've become, and all that we hope to be.  Everything is to fall in place. 

We figure that this project will oversee us the next 20 working years and beyond into our retirement, God sustaining health.

It will take until Saturday before the site becomes officially registered.  But at that time, we'll become a "kathryncoreycenterdotcom."  We hope that in time, you'll all come by to visit. 

We are just a hopin and a hopin to do great things.  Seems that all your life goes into one great thing and we're figuring this might just be "our thing." That is besides the three boys.  But, they've gone off and taken over the greatness which is their lives.  We can be satisfied with visits.

Please visit our sidebar for more direct information about the site.  It's at an infancy, but the building has begun!

Being a Grandma

This morning we were a little lonely, I think.  We found ourselves at our grandchildren's web sites.  We found that both their mothers had updated with fall pictures that we hadn't looked at yet.  My grandson is three and my granddaughter is 2 1/2. 

AJ looks like my son and Abby looks like my daughter-in-law.  There each more beautiful each time I see them.

I don't know them very well.  But, I feel great love. 

That's all.  Think we'll turn back to work.

Very Bubbly

We had good rest last night.  We'd put in about 28 hours in the last two days.  That pace, can't be held long, but man … what a journey!   

We worked on several projects.  Our performance analysis ended being 15 pages with lots of stats and colored charts imbedded in the work.  It covers demographics, ICAP (Inventory of Client and Agency Planning), individual's goal progress, work analysis, and a report for the individual's preferences, abilities, strengths, and needs.  Then we added back-up documentation. (Shoot, we mighta already said this the last entry ...)

When we got to the center, Sister Tess was as ready for me as we were for her.  She did "the book" part of the application for the CARF survey.  We exchanged paperwork for editing. We had already emailed her an agenda of what's left to be covered on our end. We asked for another day to add one more report.  We want to include a report on program areas.

The combination of these reports is a pretty objective look at the yearly beginning, middle, and end of an individual's time with us.  

In the process of reading over Sister's work, we'd both come to question using an old program guide that we were still using.  We put on our goofy smile and giggled.  Told Sr. Tess we could have a new one on her desk by the end of the day.  Man, do I just love doing this kind of stuff!   

The new program guide is 10 half sheets of paper which includes color pictures, mission, philosophy, program areas (like a college catalogue), levels of ability, center's beliefs, and thanks. We used Microsoft Publisher, burgundy, forest green and silver colors and a delicate form that is called, "The cross."  We figured the new "login" will be, "To become all that God intended."  

Just can't get over the part where I feel that we're being guided through all.  The feeling is highly satisfying. Then we add always the thought … and we have our own office too!  Just love it!  With a tear in our eye, we know ... Sr. Tess built it out from the ground just for us.  Just lovin her to pieces.

We've Sunday Homework Cut Out for Us

We attended a parent’s meeting yesterday and heard a presentation of future planning for the individuals made by two guest speakers.  The two lawyers went over the value of guardianship and option of developing a special trust for each individual.  We had heard this was the thing to do, but we’d never had someone explain.
 
Besides looking for leftover donuts and cookies (starting to reason out a theme here?), we worked on CARF and the Performance Analysis during the rest of the day. 
 
So far, we collected a participant roster which has 15 fields of information and data from the reports prepared, such as ICAP, Quarterly Goals, workshop/analysis, and annual Preferences, Strengths, Needs, and Abilities report. 
 
Our indicators (direct result of services) need to be established next.  This is a process of identifying, collecting and reflecting outcomes keeping in mind the proficiencies of effectiveness, efficiency, and satisfaction (input and outcome).  We also have to chart how the indicator will be applied, how the data will be collected, an industry benchmark, and influencing factors. 
 
After that part of the Performance Analysis is done, we need to identify areas needing improvement and outline actions taken to improve performance.  Last we need to come up with an “action plan” needed to reach or revise established performance goals.
 
Please believe when we say, we don’t have it all figured out either.  But, that shall be the effort of today.  Sr. Tess wants it by tomorrow.  Just a matter of time and concentration, right?  And, making some conclusive desicions.  *Sigh*

Down a Path of Literature (Nudged by Kayleen and Erin)

This morning we read that a couple of our young journalist friends have been taking the path of literature.  Kayleen, while we don’t have the memory to give reference found within specific books, we did enjoy skimming over books on our dusty shelves (about 80 feet).  
 
The first books remembered have to start with Dr. Seuss.  He was very stimulating between pictures and poetry.  Gave us the sense that words could tantalize us to all kinds of imaginative thought.  The first, “big book,” we remember reading was a story of an abused dog called, “Beautiful Joe.”  This touched our heart forever.  As we matured, we developed a keen interest in Nancy Drew.  And, we abhorred the series of Harlequin Romances our mother and cousin read.
 
Our first serious reading (beside the Bible and dictionary), was our introduction to psychology, education, modern fiction, and also of the poet Kahlil Gibran.  Although Freud was top of the important list, there were philosophical foundations that included Plato, Sarte, Buber, Kant, and Kierkegaard.  We also studied the writings of Maslow, Menninger, and Rogers while paying attention to the behaviorists and clinicians.  Our literature tastes were guided by Dostoevsky, Potok, Tolstoy, James, Conrad, Kafka, Bellow, and Solzhenitsyn.
 
With not to much difficulty we soon crossed over to an interest in Eastern philosophy through authors such as Krishnamurti, Suzuki, Watts and anything that resembled the I Ching.  Our favorite sociologists were Meade, Montegu, and Peter Berger.  We were also impressed with Buber and Rogers in education.  After social and family studies, we were back to psychology and human development.  Just love the mind!

In our late 20’s, we started to read of abuse topics starting with Ellen Bass and Laura Davies.  We collected Alice Miller, books on trauma, and about a dozen books on multiplicity.  The two novel threads have been Anne Rice and our all-time favorite Honore Balzac. 

Our other collections include, "The Great Books Series, Encyclopaedia Britannica, and the Annals of America."  We figured this would stop us from purchasing, but now we're developing a collection on developmental disabilities.  And man ... what to do with the Internet!?  *Sigh*

(Identify with Lara in Zhivago!)

A Slowly Going Forward Day

This morning we’re in a bit of a rush again.  We wanted to write down a few thoughts before we left for work. 
 
We made it through a visit to Dr. M’s new office, but not without some difficulties.  There weren’t any older parts out directly, though it seems like Jamie has the best view on what is going on there.  She was the the first adult to be out after the meeting and drove us home after younger parts have taken the forefront. 
 
Afterward, we have to work hard at figuring out what’s happening.  We would like to give this more thought than we have time for now.  We ended up at our familiar restaurant, then drove home and went pretty much straight to bed.
 
Other things that happened yesterday are pretty normal.  We didn’t make so much progress with the work.  We helped Sr. Tess with a few small tasks, the last being taking her to the bank.  She doesn’t drive.  Been watching the front (doors and phones) in the last couple of days because we’ve been short staffed.  That’s always a little disrupting toward getting things accomplished.
 
The individuals we work for have taken some direct time too.  We’ll, we’re not going to include here the times when we need to be stopping by their food prep program to be sampling cakes and brownies and such.  *Smile*
 
I guess we’d told one of the girls that we’d take a picture of her new hair design first thing in the morning.  Before I knew what had happened, 16 individuals came through our office to have their pictures taken!  I guess a couple of staff have had the idea to hang the inidividual's pictures next to some of their displayed art work.

 

It’s pretty cool actually.  There’s not one of them who believes they aren't pretty or handsome … quite a group!

To Gracie from Us

A Very Nice Day Gone By

Yesterday, the center had off because of the holiday and Sr. Tess had gone out to do errands with the other Sister, so we went in anyway and had the place to ourselves. 

We’d ordered for Casey and KC a program called, “Catz” and it had come in.  We’d had earlier versions that were enjoyed.  For those unfamiliar with the program, you adopt “petz,” and then you need to play and give them your love.  They grow and take on their own personalities and you can let them romp around rooms, or come visit you on whatever screen you are working on.  Very good company keepers for the girls!

We are still working on reports … this particular report is a performance analysis.  We’re doing quite a bit of statistics for it.  We’ve gotten through updating quarterly reports for the individual’s goals and then we did a work analysis.  We enjoy the work, but find that everything we do just gobbles up time ... trying to be ok with that. 

We left the center at 1 pm and met Forest Path at our home.  We’d bought the fixings for a holiday meal, but he convinced us that we could eat it earlier.  Fortunately, he usually does the cooking.  Although, I’d thawed it overnight and it came precooked, it still took a couple of hours.  We had turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, green bean casserole, buns, cranberries, and pumpkin pie.  Very, very good!  Lot’s of leftovers!

Throughout all, we did what we do best … just talked and talked.  We get to catch up with each other’s cares and concerns and there is quite a bit of enjoyment and laughter.  The evenings are usually short and we discovered that by 7 pm, we were ready to call it a night and get some sleep.  It was a very nice day.

Now today is beckoning us and we’ll need to go check that out.  Hopefully we’ll make good progress on the report, and then there is the Thinking Group.  We figure we’ll continue to work through lessons on behaviors.  The outline is already set out.  Nothing especially stellar, but part of the path we’re journeying.  Hope your alls' day goes well!

A Formal Theory of Feelings ... Reality Check

I am thinking that “feelings” are a response to being aware or in recognition of our senses.  We can hear a brilliant speaker and have the feelings of awe, or we can taste a perfect rice pudding and feel content.    ">  

Our senses remain conscious, although we may be unaware that we are being affected.  Like when we snap at a child, peer, or lover because we feel tired, or we feel unattended.  We forget to seek our needed solitude or ask nicely for a hug.  

Our feelings are subjective.  We hear others say, “That doesn’t make sense!”  They haven’t had our same past experiences, or maybe we are not sharing his experience of being in the present.

It seems that our minds and bodies collect fields of information.  "This is pain, or this is pleasure.”  Or, “I’m attracted to this, or I’m repulsed by that.”    Monkeys, mice and mankind all have common inclinations of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain, although what brings us each pleasure or pain may be different.  Not all of us are cut out to leap from aircraft or bungee jump.

It helps us to understand "feelings," both at work and in our personal life(s).  Seems a matter of survival.  We have tendencies to disassociate from our feelings.  Sometimes we will avoid unwieldly feelings that bring pleasure as well as pain.  Maybe though it's time to be a little more accepting, alive.

Sometimes we feel guilt for being alive and well.  Thinking this is a family of birth issue.  We were more valued in our service to them, than for being our independent self(ves).  We're feeling bad because of this sudden switch from joyous to unearthed.  We sense younger parts and know we need to be caretaking. 

We're ok, just following the lead of this particular feeling of happiness/guilt.  It's important we share.  Each day we're more sure and able.

The AOL Journal Awards 2003

The AOL Journal Awards 2003

To-do list for the morning

Need to Clear the Cobwebs

We’re getting a late start this morning.  

 

We’re figuring that we are going to have to do some tasks today.  There's laundry, bills, and grocery delivery service.  We filled the last bowl of kitty food and there’s no more coffee.  Needless to say there are worries about toilet paper too!

 

We did get the new camera and have been trying not to panic the system by “needing to know it all instantaneously.”  We've had a few basic accomplishements.  Oh yeah, have to charge some batteries.  We’ve discovered only our "at work" computer can we do the USB thingie.  Hmm…  Must obviously mean we need a new "at home" computer?

 

We looked through the Quick guide that allows you to actually take your first couple of pictures.  We were at work, so we took a few of the desk, then snuck up on Forest Path.  Think we need to wait on the kitty pictures.

 

Hmm, have that PDF Dr. Marvin gave us.  We’ll want to look at that this morning too.  Oh dear … Think this is going to all happen after our first nap. 

 

*Yawn*  Ok, we’re up now … timer for batteries beeping.  Chief seems very interested in the camera cord.  Better put the camera away … need to clear the cobwebs.  Hmm, maybe just look at 'em for a while.  They're kinda pretty, and it's Sunday!!  "Charlette, oh Charlette!"

Time to Relax

Assistance Needed

 

Our World

Need to apologize ...">  thinking of late that we spend a lot of time talking about just "Our World."  Thing is we actually know very little of what goes on out in the actual lives of other folks.  But, sometimes we take a peek, or of late, j-peeks.   

We know that in general, people wake up, care for their bodies, do something toward work or play (both we figure is really about the same as the other), then we seem to  nurture ourselves before turning in for another night.   

It seems when people don't nourish themselves enough, they get caught up in an illness that is either physical or emotional.  That causes others around them to hover with reminders to be taking better care.  In general, it seems that most folks care about one another.  People need and appreciate being valued, and to feel self-value.  No one takes better care of "self," then the self itself! 

Yesterday we did a group that we haven't done for a while.  Once a month late in the afternoon, we lead the individuals at work in a relaxation group.  It seems like most the folks come in pretty tense.  They're still working through the dramas of the week and haven't had the chance to unwind. 

We try to "nurture" the nurturing process.  When you stop your own buzzing to ask people how they are doing ... a lot of what you hear is that they tend to be ok, feeling good, or have been insulted or overwhelmed with something or another.  So you do a little assistive nurturing.  You listen, care, maybe even empathize, no one really wants to feel bad, or see you feeling bad. 

We figure this is all a pretty good process, because in reality my world is yours, and yours is ours.  Hopin next that folks will have found so much growth in one another, we'll all get a chance to to kick back and enjoy.  Things will keep getting better and better.  'Cuz in livin this kind of life, we discover love.  Man, does that ever go over well with the morning's coffee and bagel!  (Or, in some cases ... fruitloops even!)

General Malaise

Hmm, where are we now …?  Last night was a Dr. M. night.  He is going to be moving from the 4th floor to the 7th.  There is always little life changes.  We figure it’s best to adapt sooner than later.  It seems this change is reflective of other changes and it’s sometimes hard.  ">http://

Last week Sr. Tess prioritized one particular CARF project, now this week it’s another.  Note:  We need to be staying fluid and do whatever is necessary at that very moment. 

One of the changes that happened this week is that we had to let go of the individual that had been wreaking so much havoc.  He’d been practicing running out of the building, but the last time he ran down the street and across a busy street.  Sister Tess felt that self-endangerment was something beyond the center’s scope.  

We talked of other work matters to Dr. M., bill paying, cameras, friends, the house/renting, time management, our forgetfulness, just a smorgasbord of topics, really. 

I don’t know how we got there, but he said something about us switching in appearance "> like with interests, facial gestures and posture.  We didn’t know what to think of that, though we’d heard it before.  He says that we’re subtle.  Hmm, that’s what our first major therapist said.  My father said it differently; he compared us to “a snake in the grass.” Thanks Dad …

We left Dr. M’s office … feeling kind of bleary and foggish like.  We know to look for his expression.  It was telling us that things would be ok.  We like his confidence in himself and us.  Afterward, we took us out to what is becoming our favorite restaurant.  We like that the waitress remembers that we drink one glass of Riesling with our meal. Sometimes multiplicity kind of feels scary and over intimate, like heart on sleeve.  But, what is normal, really?

Hmm, Pam-lesson #1

Morning ... Just trying to do "the right thing" in learning how to put pictures not in the little boxes so much.  Who says, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks?"  Thanks for your patience with me on this.  I know, I know ... next thing would be to create a test journal, right?  One thing at a time though...

">  Hmm, this would be the start of all great things?  Thanks very much Pam for creating excellent directions and Marcia Ellen for conveying proper protocols!  "We're a tryin!" 

Much love,

The et al system management team

Not So Sure Anymore

Figurin we have to be moving early today.  We're going to look at another place of Clear Sky's.  She's trying to convince to move in to her house.  It's a two flat and the upper unit has just become available.  Not sure. 

On the plus side, it would be only 5 minutes from work, it has three bedrooms, I'd be living near a friend, it would be less money, I wouldn't have to worry Tanner about being an expense to him.  On the negative side, I would have to park on a busy, big city street, I would lose some of my privacy, I'm not sure about what it would mean to break a lease, it wouldn't be the same as home ownership.

I figure in some ways, this move would be one more of self-sacrifice.  We feel secure where we're living now, though it is costly.  We're thinking that the only way to really know is to take a look at the place and see how we feel about it. 

Otherwise, we are doin fine.  The bills went out yesterday and we made a couple of calls that we'd been having troubles with.  We needed to get our user name and passwords for both the on-line bank account and our on-line grocery store.  In both instances, we'd forgotten what we're supposed to be able to remember.  Hopefully, we can do some ordering of things we need. 

I think our memory is playin a big part of our concerns over where we are living.  I think we're too young to have Alzheimer's, but this is worrying us quite a bit.  44 is too young, right?  Our favorite grandmother developed it, but not sure how old she was.  

I'd taken comfort only in that, toward the end when she couldn't remember her son, she seemed to sense us.  She asked, "Now who is this pretty young girl?"  I believe it was this grandmother who taught us love, patience, and kindness. 

Maybe it is time to ask Dr. M. more directly, if there isn't to go to have our memory checked.  Do normal doctor's do this?  I'm very happy to say that I can still think pretty well, just am terribly worried about not being able to remember where we put the car, or what we're doing at work.  I can think through CARF, but can't remember simple things like how many business reports out of 11 that we've written.  Keep having to check the source.

Hmm, Need to Be Serious Here For a Few Moments (Part 1 of 2)

We have to give up reading entry's for one day, until we can be taking care of ourselves first.  We're supposed to use the timer, so we remember to stop writing and finish paying the bills.  This is a new, "Kate rule" posted on the bulletin board.

Did we ever talk about "our room?"  For as long as we remember, we've always been able to create better places to be.  Anniemi had her own school room for Casey and KC, Sarah's got a whole castle, and, Lissa has created a music conservatory.  The Kasies themselves did a lot of early imaginative work with Barbie dolls and stuffed animals, though I think, they'd rather be visiting.  Sometimes they get the younger parts to play in the nursery.

Anyway, it wasn't too hard to come up with a meeting place idea that would work for us at an older age.  With the help of Dr. W., there came to be a "conference room."  There is a large black board/white board/cork board combination along the whole east wall.  The north wall has a large 6 foot credenza and hutch for the computer, and that has two matching 2' wide tall triangular bookshelves along either side.  Next to that there is a tall wooden four-drawer horizontal file.  Along the south wall there is a video conference set up. 

There is a mahogany table with 7 cushy wood framed burgandy upholstered chairs on each side of the 18 x 5 foot table and there is armed chairs at each end.  The room opens on the west side to a wonderful seating area.

The seating area is more comfortable than formal.  It is between the table and the west wall fireplace.  The back of the long couch parallels the conference table.  Directly back of the couch is a long, low toybox.  There is also a smaller couch, two cushy wing chairs, and a rocker.  The seating area furniture matches the conference room.  But the burgandy is mixed in a floral pattern with deep olive greens and browns. 

There's additional "private" seating along the north wall with small U-shaped arrangement of loveseat, two more wing chairs, a couple of small tables and two small lamps.

Hmm, Need to Be Serious Here For a Few Moments (Part 2 of 2)

Between the two couches (shaped like an L) and between the two wing chairs (across the big couch) there are low tables with lamps.  Another low table and a good reading lamp sit next to the rocker which is on the south side of the room across from the small couch and in front of the double windows.  There is also a large square coffee table in the center. There are lot's of leafy things growing and scattered around the room and candles.  We're hoping to bring in a recliner pretty soon.  There is a high chair, two infant swings, and a couple of bean bag chairs.  NO playpens! 

The floor is an old wood, but there is a fancy inlaid wood border near the walls and entrance ways.  It has seven different kinds of wood!  There is a very large and colorful oriental rug in the center of the seating area and another huge rug underneath the conference table area.  The ceiling on both sides of the room is an old fashioned tin ceiling which has a white lacy bridal pattern.  There is a large chandelier and two smaller chandeliers over the conference table and one large chandelier over the coffee table.

The walls are painted a dark olive green under the chair rail and a rich colored floral wall paper floats above it.  The background is brown.  There are not enough pictures, but over the fireplace centered between the mantel, columns, and top piece is a magnificent oval beveled mirror.  There is large double windows covered with cream colored drapes near both the south end of the conference room and the seating area.  When the drapes are pulled back by the cream colored bell cords, you can notice the lace sheers. 

There is a balcony door that leads out over the front door.  The balcony is surrounded on three sides by tall black wrought iron rails and it is fully furnished with black wrought iron outdoor furniture, more green leafy things and flowers. The Balcony is for cooling down tempers, relaxing at both ends of the day, and for the smokers. 

Shoot!  I know, I know ... I'm being told bills!  I'll tell you about the kitchen later!  Shoot, almost forgot, on the floor by the head chair (south side) there is a buzzer.  This is how Kate summons for the hired help!

Dr. M.?

Our sleeping was badly handled.  We forgot the medicine and had fallen asleep about 7 pm., woke up at 10:30 pm, and stayed up ‘til 3 am, then slept again until about 6 am.  We’ve had a lot on our mind. 
 
We figure we should talk about the personal response we had toward the multiple reading and summary we wrote.   
 
It’ll be much easier to talk about the excitement with the boys.  We also advanced the house buying issue.  Macadam says we should wait to talk to Tanner about it until after we find how he is doing past the end of the year.  So, we’re resolved! 
 
We’re somewhat worried about our spending.  About 2 am, we were at Amazon buying our digital camera and accessories.  There was also unfounded joy in having made the decision.  Our ex-mother-in-law and ex-husband had brain washed us to thinking, throughout the boys’ childhood, that it would be a waste of money to get a camera, because she had a very good camera and would take “the better family pictures.” 
 
I can’t say enough thanks to Steven for getting us past this dilemma.  It has been his joy in taking pictures that got us over the hump.  Our memory isn’t turning out well enough to compensate.  We’re now grieving for the loss of so many opportunities missed.  But we’re thinking the FlyLady would tell us, “You’re never behind, just jump in where you are at!” 
 
We’ll have to go over the bill paying too.  We’ve advanced, in that, we entered the bills in our new financial journals and wrote out the checks.  But, we were at work and didn’t have the actual bills and account numbers with us.  This is not so good in that we couldn’t tolerate looking at the project over the weekend.
 
Then, of course, there’s work pressure.  There will be a staffing immediately after we get to work.  Sr. Tess cancelled the Thinking Group this week, due to CARF time constraints.  *Sigh* it’ll be ok?

Responce to Reading #2 - Multiplicity

Our body was 25 years old when we recognized that we needed help dealing with our issues, but it wasn’t until we were 31 that we became aware of the multiplicity.  Our disassociation included the normal periods of amnesia, not remembering our behaviors, and messing up with general “reality.” 
 
The mom in us caught our self(ves) in the act of being abusive toward our incredible four year old son, Macadam. We had picked him up and were shaking him.  We were shocked and horrified.  We thought we’d gone crazy, in that, we were imitating our mother’s which we had vowed never, never to do.  We then opened the phone book and sought “emergency” counseling. 
 
We were overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, and feelings of terror, helplessness, and rage.  A year later we discussed with the therapist the possibility of having been sexually abused by our grandfather.  We were more aware of the parent’s physical and psychological abuse.
 
We had felt safer after high school.  We went away to college.  We were avid readers and fitted our selves to psychology and human development.  We were trying to figure things out.  We also found great satisfaction that year with being out in the wonder of nature.  The campus was located on a beautiful bluff.
 
Before college, countless hours were spent away with friends or up at the school.  Directly with family, we hid behind the closed door and confinement of our bedroom.  We were terrified of upsetting people, though outwardly we were rebellious, defiant, and forgetful.  At school, we were at the top of our class and active in studies, business, athletics, music, and scouts.
 
My last semester of high school my grandfather died, my mother fell for a stranger, and my father was hospitalized for suicidal ideation.  Then, my mother moved out and they were divorced.  My tormenting brother had already left for college, so we stayed with my narcisstic younger sister and the “family’s house.”  My father was away driving truck four days a week.
 
The breakdown was a husband and three babies later.  We've never stopped therapy since then.  Our body is now 44.

Et Al's Journal of Psychological Research

 

The Most "Funnest" Day

Oh Man!  We just had the BEST time yesterday!  Macadam had gone to the Bulls game the night before with friends, but about 11 am the next day, he picked us up for Jacob's football game.  We'd never been, although this was his second year.  Before we hadn't been able to walk to the stadium seats because of the weight and arthritis.  This time we were able and were with Macadam before, during, and after the game and he was stupendous! 

Jacob gets free tickets and because of our physical disability, we had the luxury of sitting on the 40 yard line, first row off the field.  Eight feet in back of us was the marching band, and more directly the drums.  We were pulsating with their beat.  The weather was fall sensational!  There were a bevy of football things happening on the field, not sure of all what happened, but Jacob's team won 48-23.  Macadam said they now have an 8-1 record. 

Most of our time, we kept our eye on Jacob and one of his best friends, Aldon.  They were sooo wonderful!  There were 8 other male cheerleaders and 20 females.  They never stopped moving.  The announcer guy said there were 24,126 people in the stands, but that didn't seem to phase him a bit! 

With ease Jacob and Aldon did backflips and cartwheels, put pretty girls in the air, and yelled into nifty-neato tall black megaphones!  After touchdowns, three of the cheerleaders would get the featured and adoptable huskies (school mascot) and run them around the field.  There was one time during the introductions where the cheerleaders circled the team and they were running so fast that Macadam had to point out that Jacob was carrying the lead flag!

There was so much vibrancy, our mind is still a flurry!  Couldn't begin to explain pride!  Jacob and Aldon had found us early before the game started.  Once Jacob came directly to us to reach up and high-five Macadam, then when the cheerleaders were throwing free things in the stands, Jacob and Aldan made sure we were tossed a frisbee and small football. 

After the game, Macadam helped us treat Jacob and Aldon to dinner at Bennigan's and we were joined by Macadam's wife, Lee and daughter, Abby (pretty soon 3).  In all, we were terrifically and sizematically sensory whelmed!  Could we redefine the word, "alive?!"

$50.55 More Monies Out

Last night, we bought postage stamps, large envelopes, 5 highlighters, an eraser, a staple remover, a check organizer, 4 of our favorite blue Pilot Precise roller pens, and one red, rubber bands and an organizer for our purse. 
 
There are 40 stamps because we figured yesterday that we have 22 bills to mail.  The large envelopes seemed more practical then the smaller ones we’d been using and we found they now come in self-adhesive flaps.  The highlighters are an extra nicety, and the eraser was a must.  We’ve nearly used up the little ones that come with the automatic pencils.  The staple remover was a .69 cent “deal,” the check organizer part of a solution for our retention/poor memory needs. 
 
We figured after one of our work pens ran out, we needed another, plus we are giving into our extravagance to have the same trusted writing utensil at each of our four writing stations.  We write from this computer table, the kitchen table, our at-work computer desk, and our at-work writing desk.  The red pen was just an impulse buy and we figured for another .69 cents the rubber bands were quite the deal.
 
The organizer is black with a snap and looks like leather.  It contains a place for cash, a place for cards, a calculator, a lined note pad, a 3 plastic sleeves to hold receipts, a zippered hiding place, a pen, and dividers for the calendar, to do list, notes, information, and addresses.  Oh, and there is a small plastic straight edge that cross dresses as a page marker.  All told, pretty spiffy, we figure! 
 
We haven’t had anything like a “wallet,” for the last couple of years.  Our old one had fallen apart; we’ve been using the smaller pouch on our backpack/purse which seems unefficient now.  We haven’t maintained a real address book for the last seven years.  Best we’ve done is to list a few numbers in the computer, but we were scared when we had thought we’d lost our computer.
 
Ok, breathe.  It'll be ok.  Maybe we should budget for shopping too?  We don't usually like to, especially in real stores, but of late we've just been having the most tremendous fun.  Feels like being in "the present" and we do love making choices.