Finding Truths

Finding truths. We spent a good amount of time yesterday on discovery.  We will have to concentrate on it some more today.

The first event of the day, was a client coming through our door. She was in terrible tears and sobbing loudly. We know of this individual that she's usually in good spirit, but sometimes feels overburdened by her sense of another’s rejection. She needed help in figuring out what had just happened to her. She was saying that her DSP (teacher) had yelled at her for dropping a box.

We decided that since words were hard for her that we would write her thoughts out on paper in the form of a letter to her DSP. She said she’d rather have the DSP smile and her too, so we added a picture of her smiling and an image of a flower. She is very artistic. Within moments of her presenting this communication to the staff, they were both back in my office. The DSP was able to convey to the individual and me she had "yelled out" the individual’s name, because she thought she’d been hurt and was worried over her.

So cool ... two truths each shared, progressed the other!

Another event ... I felt the need to tidy my intake project. I knew we were getting close to having the ten clients apply that we had room for this year. Between me and the high school counselor (we get the people out of high school when they reach 21 years), we’d figured out where they would all fit within our schema at the Center. We knew that soon the Center would need to commit to a new teacher.  We proudly handed this document over to Sr. Tess.

Sr. Tess has got a terrible chill, but remains sitting on her vigil wrapped and shivering in a sweater. She looked at me and in hardly more than a calm whisper asked, "Are these people joining us before the State inspection?" It was like in equally low of a voice, we admitted, "Umm no... we’ll go take care of that right away."

Sometimes, we seem to just crawl through life. Again two truths.

Funny how reality works, really. I love the question, "Are we on the same page?" Sometimes, our mind is so flooded by a variety of circumstances, that we can hardly see fit to paddle down one stream without wanting to try another. We call this, "Being confused." Hmm, maybe it’s more a matter of looking at "the bigger picture?" Yeeks, does this mean we have to assume MORE responsibility? We better be getting back to you here on this one!

Just Lovin You Guys to Pieces

Feeling kinda In a wondering mood this morning. We’ve woken up with time to spare and are thinking various thoughts. This morning while taking our trip around the J-block, there was found such a wide variety of thoughts and images. We have to admit that we’re quite taken with it all.

Let’s see ... John G was slimed by the worm, Erin is still missing to her college life, John S is lamenting over his funny shoes, Penny’s thinking through another move, Jeanne’s tickling deep thoughts, Free’s fretting over her cookie lost to Hunny, Marcia Ellen is upset over the common invocation of God, Kayleen is also missing, d*mn that college life! Steven is a little complexed by the complexities of his new camera, Vivian has vaulted past a birds/bees type Q&A session, Donna is trying to wait patiently after a new job interview, Amy’s being pleased as punch with one of her best friends, Andrew is appreciating a snow day, Slo is claiming victory over another job done well *giggle*, Mia reflects warm images that collectively lead her to sound sleep, Anna’s thinking over the highlights of her math "career," John F has taken a moment to collect himself set free in a backyard wilderness, Rick’s enjoying the true pleasures of a lively life of fatherhood, Muse is challenging us over fantasies of historical relevance, Floralilia is trying to pretend she has other thoughts than VACATION! Berly is recovering nicely and "toying" in great spirit, Bill’s giving thought to putting together a club that excludes people too angry to be civil, and Vince ... hmm, Vince is "tripping" over some memorabilia like thought *Chuckling*

Yep, yep ... everyone is still safe and sound. Give’s my heart great relief!

Ya know, it’s funny ... there is not one day gone by where I haven’t thought each journalers thoughts and stories more and more significant than the day before. I think that what happens in each of your lives to be extraordinary. There is so much that goes into what happens each next day and the day after. It seems a matter of great discovery. We’re always impressed with the quality of material and images people are willing to present and share. I love seeing the kids, the homes, the artwork and the views. I’m awed by the collectivism of the mass journalist process. I think no better of time was there to ever having lived.

Hehehe and at that there is a whole new day on the horizon!

Soul Searching (Part 2 of 2)

I think the soul searching is important. So far, the way we are figuring is this ... I have always wanted to do worthy things in life. I think I'd be short-suited for being a nun. I am however very much enlivened by thoughts of choosing a more religious life. I’ve always held a great respect for those choosing religious vocations.

I would convert to Catholicism. I was baptized Lutheran, and although my brother is a minister, I’ve not enjoyed my Lutheran ties. I went instead to a Catholic University, worked for a priest, married Catholic, baptized my children Catholic, maintained a long standing relations with Christian Brothers, and now work for a nun. I would hope, as a companion, to attend services and as an ideal, become more in touch with a life of service and prayer.

I very much respect the life of simplicity that would be expected of me. Sr. Tess once talked of no one needing more than 3 suitcases to move all their possessions. I have it within me to do this. I think the hardest part of living a life such as this is actually not independence as much as giving up sex. I’ve had one very good sexual relationship in my lifetime. I believe that sex can be very good, but that it is a luxury, not a necessity.

I’ve been thinking about the difference between a life lived of my ideals, rather than one of convenience. I don’t imagine that it would be always the most peaceful existence to commit myself to living with Sr. Tess. There would be times that we upset one another, but I believe that is the same in any relationship where there is a commitment to maintain and nurture love and respect.

Most often though when I think of her, I see a woman very strong and of great fortitude and courage. I know that these are assets carried by many in her order. I see women living to the best of their abilities and sharing their gifts with others. I’ve always had love and appreciation of "strong" people. I feel very comfortable in offering myself as someone willing and able to listen and learn.

Maybe because of my self-upbringing as a multiple I can understand and appreciate community. I can be by myself, but maybe that isn’t really the truest of challenges. Question will be, can I offer worthwhile contributions to the whole of something much greater? I don’t know. Will continue to think through this though in the hope I might be accepted.

Soul Searching (Part 1 of 2)

*Sigh* Here we go again ... another fine morning. My toes are a little cold. The kitties insisted we let a little winter into the living room. They scratch and scratch and the balcony door as if they were dogs trying to be let out for a walk. There is no official news about the life change, but we’re not figuring to hear anything until at least after Sunday. Usually that is the day that Sister goes up north to visit with her mother and be with the other sisters.

I very much appreciated the comments left by you (Irun, Bill, Anna and Vince). I know this is a major important decision and a lot of thought should be put into it. I also heard from our oldest son last night and received a quick note from our psychiatrist.

Independence is the biggest concern so far. I’ve been without a husband for 14 years now. This is as great amount of time as having been married. Besides the seven years the boys continued to live with me, the rest of the time, we’ve lived by ourselves. Well, almost. The kitties have been with me six of these years.

One of the best consequences of communicating with others yesterday was that Macadam and Lee said, they would take my kitties if we were accepted into the position. Macadam and Lee both listened to my own arguments either way. I know that they will support me with whatever happens. This means a lot. We made calls to our other two sons, but they have not been returned yet.

As far as worldly possessions ... The few family heirlooms would be passed down to the boys and my furniture is of the type that is very throw awayable. Books are a little harder. I’ve about 80 feet of them. I figured that I would keep the wooden kitchen/dining room table for my computer set up and ask the dresser in the new room be removed. I have very few clothes. I’d also keep my tall wicker shelves for a few mementoes. It’s fairly narrow and shouldn’t be in the way. Thinking Jacob may be able to use some of the kitchen things, or they'd be donated to the women's shelter. I'd keep my slushie machine!

Dr. M. Listed as pros having more company, less money for rent (It free up $870 a month), and more structure. The cons were a change toward one of my friendships, the kitties, and my privacy. We’ll talk more about this during our appointment tonight.

Hmm, if it ok, I think we’re going to continue this as a double entry. We’ve thoughts to sort through.

It Would be a Path toward God

Mornin, mornin! Went to bed aching last night because we already wanted to be up and writing. Yesterday, it turned out to be a half truth about staying home. We ended up safely at work by noon after the roads been cleared and salt put down. 

Something happened to us yesterday while we were seeing the morning out. We were thinking, then thinking, then thinking some more. We don’t know what the result of this effort will be, but we wanted to talk about it here if that’s ok...

Soon after we got to work, we caught Sr. Tess in the back offices. In the new addition, there is an activity room, then an office shared by my two best friends, one male, one female. Then there is our office. After she was done with her business, we asked if we could talk to her in private up front. She agreed. We stammered just a few seconds, but the basics of it was, we asked if we could become her live-in companion. There’s such a severe shortage of nuns that they are having trouble keeping everything as once was.

That’s it in a nutshel! The bottom line is that we don’t know how the offer will be accepted. Sr. Tess didn’t say no, that was the major part yesterday. She said that it would have to be discussed by nuns that are higher up. Her direct "boss" is a nun from the bigger program on the north side of the city. We’re the small program on the south side. And, because the biggest of bosses is in from Rome, it would probably be decided at their level.

I am feeling so alive and excited I couldn’t begin to tell you. What I believe the position would entail is that first the other nun who travels from north to south and back again each day (who shouldn’t be driving) would be returned to the program up north. She works there and sleeps here. I would be given one small bedroom in the convent area. There are three "chambers." It would mean letting go of most my earthly possessions, (but not my computer or car). It would mean giving up my kitties.

I would share Sr. Tess’ chapel, living room, kitchen and washroom. I would keep her company in the evenings and weekends(we’d be the only two in the Center), I would help her with driving and chores and I would continue paying for everything, but rent and I would maintain my job (and office).

I know that which ever way it goes, it will be in God’s hand, but while we try to patiently wait, can you tell me pro or con what you think?

A Sisterly Day

When we called the Sister, she said that coming to work today was optional cuz of the snow and warnings in effect. So, after long consultation with the weather readers and tellerers, we decided to take the day off. We’d really like to get to those bills before they start calling or shutting down our current experience.

We had very important visitors at work yesterday. The Mother Superior General and her translator were in from Rome. She comes to the United States about once every three years to pay an official visit with the Sisters here and with their ministries.

I understand there are only about 200 nuns left in this particular order and the big nun knows ALL the little nuns. When she comes, she has lunch, tours the building, learns a little about the program, and she interviews our boss to find out how she’s really doing. She also makes the big decisions if necessary like which programs to close, if we can build an addition, or which nuns to move around.  She's pretty huge important!

When she came back to our office, we automatically stood up ... we figured a hand shake was better than a bow, cuz we haven’t been told to do differently. It was a little funny hearing my boss stumble through her Italian, but she seemed to be doing ok. I wasn’t sure if she liked my new office, but she looked at my computer, then looked at me calmly and asked in English, "Lotus Organizer?"

Oh man, did my heart suddenly fall over. She’s gotta be megacool to have recognized one of my all-time favorite computer programs! From Italy, no less! Sr. says she is really into computer programs. We’ve met her translator too (third time). She remembered us. We remember her because she teases so nice with the clients!

The hard part is after they are all gone ... Sr. came back to our office and plopped down in one of the guest chairs. We are sitting of course on the edge of our seat, "So, so how’d it go?" First thing she said was, "We are on our own. We can stay open as long as Sister is willing to run the program. No other nun assistance in the wind." We tried not to act scared, because our Sr. Tess is late 60's if not 70 years old. She’s still considered to be a "in good shape nun." She said, "we’ll both stay and see it through!" It just made me wanna glow! I’m a keeper!

(Second on top the translating nun that visited)

Valentine's Come Early

We’re feelin pretty good about the morning so far! Woke up feeling well rested with time to be getting here and about. Yesterday did us a whole lotta good.

Things were accomplished and even though bill paying was not, the stage has been set. The table is clear, the bills received from the box, and even envelopes have been opened. Maybe today we can bring home our financial journals. We’ve been hiding them by letting them stay in our office. Hmm, should get stamps too...

We are thinking we’d really like to get something accomplished today. Maybe we’ll even work on that hard file we’ve been avoiding. This morning is an appointment with Dr. M too. Never sure where those are going to lead us. But, in general we look forward to talking to him. It helps us summarize where we’ve been and what we want to do next.

We were really proud of one of our sons over the weekend. He called to talk over an incident that he and his wife were going through. They’d run up against a situation where one of the other tenants in his condo complex had made a sexual pass at Lee. She of course was upset by this as was Macadam. They are both in their early 20's and although they’ve just been married a couple of years ... they are deeply devoted to each other.

Macadam decided that he would face the situation face forward. So while Lee was away at work, he went downstairs to knock on the guys door. From everything he and Lee had known, this guy was most likely abusive toward his wife and an alcoholic. I think Macadam acted courageously ... I don’t think he has hit a soul in his entire life.

The guy's wife answered the door and she was taken back by seeing a strange male. She is rarely seen in public. She quickly called to her husband. Macadam stated that there was something he wanted the other guy to know. The other guy appeared pensive. Macadam ushered them out past hearing range of the door. He told the guy simply that he was aware of the pass and that he and his wife uphold firm boundaries. Later, he backed that commitment to his marriage with a note to building management.

The guy tried to deny it happened, but there was no question that Lee had been the guys victim. I went to bed thinking the household was well protected and that all would sleep soundly. Not so much babies any more, but they continue to grow in my estimation and esteem.

Being "Here" this Morning (Part 1 of 2)

This morning, we have a day off and we thought we might try to do a catch-up of where everyone is at. We think that it might help us regroup.

To some of you that are newer to our journal, we’d like to add a note that if you are interested ... there is a little written about each of us under the favorite sites, Kathryn Corey Center. The web page hasn’t been updated for a couple of months now, but under the section, "Meet the staff" we were each introduced formally. I don’t mean to seem vain, it’s just that it might help in understanding who we each are or where we are at.

Dear Heart - had an hour out with Dr. M this week. She’s trying to accept his help, but is yet very reticent. Embry is at peace. Mimi was out for a little time with our friend. She seems to be in a secure place. Crystal has slept through the week. Gracie had time out and seems to be more able to withstand being out for those few moments. She doesn’t seem so fearful, just weary.

Marie’s been very active ... she seems to be assuring the younger parts of more time with Dr. M and our friend. Anna seems to be colluding with the Casies on their runs to borrow/sneak cookies from Sr. Tess. Casey and KC have been helping Marie with Dear Heart. They’ve been the ones walking her to the car after the sessions are over.

Anniemi has been having a hard time with Sr. Tess’ anger, but was out yesterday to listen to her talk about Sr. Tess’ mother which seemed to calm both of them. Sr. Tess’ mother is in her 90's and has already cheated death several times over. Henry has been playing with the set-up of the second work computer. He’s shared with us his sense of fun over "the game of work."

Lissa had a rare visit with Dr. M. This last couple of weeks. She seemed to want to let him know that she is doing well and would like to know him better. Sarah has been busy this week and has been scolding us for our stead diet of unhealthy foods. She’s been enjoying the "home-visits" to the other journal sites. I seem to be getting a little stressed and looking very forward to having today off from work.

Jamie has been spearheading along with Marie getting DearHeart out more frequently. She seems to know something about the sexual images that

Being Here this Morning (Part 2 of 2)

DearHeart is experiencing. Kelsie is still being very able to do the work at work, and absorbs in the actual work. She is unable yet to let go of her need for details an careful evaluative work with the clients.

Ann is doing pretty good, she still worries over the boys. She felt bad that she was so confused by work yesterday and was grateful when Kelsie took back the reigns. Kate takes frequent breaks. We think she’s under a great amount of pressure and is worrying most over the work deadlines. She is trying to see that we do work at work and play at play, but she’s battling tough odds. She also worked with Henry to set up a new system of keeping track of client needs.

Ayn’s been working on the issues of self destructiveness. This covers everything from being a diabetic and eating candy to behaviors or not paying the bills to areas that are more direct. Jesse has been noted out in the computer community. She likes to read journals.  I think she thinks of this as a good "peaceful" place for us to "hang out." She knows we’re like a falling cat. Usually, we balance ourselves so that our feet land first.

This morning now already we had a chance to IM with our friend. I guess Kate and Jamie got through the deluge enough to take on the household tasks today We are usually only computer functional. It feels the safest to us. So medicine has finally been taken and the showering under control. Next step would be to empty the garbage and clear the first of two tables with what doesn’t belong.

Hmm, we’ve been through this routine before. 8 minutes working, 15 minutes break. We have severe arthritis in our back and are not able to function any faster. Means then that after we clear the garbage, then we have to wash a load of dishes, then be getting the mail. We should also gather the dirty clothes to take to the cleaners. We also know that while we’re out we’re going to have to go to the bank to deposit a check. Then comes opening the bills and paying some.

Hmm, maybe if we offered ourselves a reward?? I know, I know ... no more candy bars. Maybe we can do all that around dinner time and stop back at the sub sandwich place for a sandwich and soup. Then maybe we can get back into the habit of having the other half for the next day’s lunch.

We figure this be an all day set of tasks. Chances are our breaks will be here though!

Puzzled about what We Do

Ok, we’re going to concentrate on work now.  This is going to go positively.  We had a great amount of trouble yesterday trying to figure out what our job was.  We were able to focus enough to think, “Look on your desk … what do you have to complete next?”  So, this is our goal today.
 
Not sure yet how to figure out where we are.  Hmm, let’s see … we finished the Qnotes for two people.  We did the annual for the first one.  But, now we have to change one of the goals.  Maybe, we should do that first.  It’s hard to leave things without closure.  Hold on. 
 
9:01 am:  Ok, that’s been done … not too hard.  Maybe we should see this case all the way through.  What was that 2 page report needed … Oh, I know Goals & objectives.  Hmm, can’t seem to find one of those.  Who else has had one done? 
 
Next then would be to write up the … hmm, were did …
 
9:43 am:  Shoot, behind again.  Sr. Tess has come in and checked on my progress.  She needed us more to just listen as she talked.  But when she’d gotten as far again as her nephew’s recent death … she stopped herself.  God Bless Sister Tess and her family … specially, her mother. 
 
Ok, reread … what do we have to do?  Ok, good idea to correct goal data sheets.  Shoot … now gotta figure out those 2 missing pieces.  Think … which client already has that report?  Where are the smarter parts that can remember stuff???

 

Shoot, my mind's feelin like mush 10:24.  Ok, the paper in front of you says ... that two page ... oh man, we figured it out ... found a blank goals and objectives data.  Just gotta answer the questions, right?  Where is the answers now?  Steady girl, one at a time...

We're Spinning

We’re still feeling on the disoriented side. We did get an email from the good Dr. M and our friend stopped over. This has helped some. There’s been a good amount of time spent feeling very regressed and we needed to catch where our boundaries now lay.

Sometimes, we don’t feel so terribly strong. We are back to the point where we are needing a lot of order. We are lacking structure. It’s become very difficult to keep up a household and stay productive at work. These are worrisome things to happen. We battle with self-destruction and look for safeties such as is our journal world.

There was quite a few of the very younger parts out last night. They appear in many ways to be living in a state of shell shock. Young waifs. It feels as if they are working on trust issues. But as is Dear Heart, they live isolated lonely lives. It is hard on the older parts to see them in such disarray. It hurts to see them hurting.

We know that Mimi has been out and Gracie, though not Crystal. Anna was out for a few minutes, but she wasn’t as prominent as some of the others. KC and Casey did not come out maybe because Gracie needed more support. We are able to see more how they tried to protect themselves.

Dear Heart was out during work time ... she tried to read Dr. M’s email, but she appears to have trouble reading more than one or two words at a time. She seemed tired. We easily recall her lifelessness and then later, remember her putting her head down on the desk and just drifting off. It’s near impossible to follow her thoughts. It’s easier to note her behaviors.

I think Dr. M. Is right in that some of the parts are overwhelmed. We need to be doing things that are more on track with what is going on in our general life in the present. The effort here and at work are good for us. I’m not sure why the younger parts and Dear Heart are trying to take on so much. There’s a sense of urgency that plays competitively for our attention. Dr. Marvin suggested that we might have been having flashbacks or intrusive memories. We’re thinking he’s a pretty good guesser.

Tossed Back in Time

We’re having kind of a hard morning. It’s still early yet, so I figure we’ll be ok. We read through other’s journal, but didn’t feel up to leaving comments. It seems like most are doing well and got through Thursday just fine. Lot of people just trying to make a go of it utilizing the best of their abilities and talents.

We had another appointment with Dr. M. Last night. It was very hard. Our Dear Heart was out for all but the last few moments. We think that she is trusting the doctor for the most part. She at least spent time with him. I don’t think she fully trusts him though, because for the whole hour nobody said nothing to nobody and for a while, she just cried.

Usually, in a psychiatry appointment people talk to each other, but yesterday it felt like it would be an invasion of her privacy and the doctor was respectful. She worked very hard to keep us at bay as well. Usually, I think it is only a matter for her of closing our eyes for a second and a switch will occur. If there is enough resistence sometimes the switches can be avoided. In the end last night though, I’m sure something or another spooked her. Usually she becomes startled and retreats by noise or movement.

We have a sense of what was going on in her mind, but it is pretty vague. First, she was with the family we grew up with, then relatively early we think she switched over to being with our grandfather, the original sexual abuser. Past here, we have trouble understanding what was happening to her, knowing what exactly she’s thinking of, or comprehending her feelings.

We’re left though with a couple of bothering images that we would best not be exploring. It’s kind of having one of those tooth ache kinds of feeling where you insensibly keep running your tongue over the pain to see if it still hurts. You just figure, the tooth's got to be pulled.

One thing that is different between us (as parts) and her (as our core) is that we don’t think she spends much time out in our actual life. By that I mean going to work or playing and such. She seems to live in a space of when the original family was about. We think she lives somehow in a vague memory of times long past.

We’d like to help, but are fearful. We probably confuse.  Leaves us feelilng kinda down.

Resting for Just a Few Minutes

Hmm, we’re feeling pretty good this morning.  Just a little off schedule.  We’re already at work.  We talked to my oldest son, Macadam for a few moments just now.  We usually don’t keep up with each other during the week, but he needed a software code.  We’re feeling pretty smart just to know where that is.
 
It looks as if it could be a good work day.  Oh shoot, there is one meeting that is going to break it up.  Forgot, we had an intake scheduled.  Eh, it’s always nice to meet the new prospects.  Rarely is there one who doesn’t love our program after they get here.  We’re at 40 clients now and Sr. Tess wants to bring it up to 50.  So most of them will get lucky!
 
What else.  We already checked out the specs for a new hard drive to be used for back up of the computers.  Maybe we should get one for back here and another for up front.  Nothing like having a computer go down to make you appreciate how much information you’ve stored.  Fortunately, the technician fixed it within an hour by d/l a .dll file from the Internet.  All my programs and files were good to go. 
 
Today, we are going to be very accountable for our time.  NO DRIFTING off.  We’re being in love with the computer all over again.  I haven’t returned the work laptop back to storage.  We kind of like having a computer on either desk.  Have to figure that into a new system. I know Sr. Theresa doesn’t really mind, because she thinks we know what were doing most times, especially with computers.  Eh, let’s have this be our little secret…  I don’t know what I’m doing a lotta times!
 
It’s not that we have anything against work, but it seems, we do like to play.  Ok, ok … we can be serious.  Let’s make it a goal to write #1’s annual agenda, write annual and agenda for #2, write Qnotes, annual, annual agenda, and discharge for #3.  I think we’re really avoiding number #3, because we’re going to have to think about that one and compile information that’s not readily accessible to our brain.  Need a new hard drive there too. 
 
Hmm, better get started … we’re probably going to have to work with the system we’ve “got.”

Morning Dreams

Hmm, this morning is us being the tired ones.  Was up early, but laid down and snuck a couple of hours more sleep in.  Not sure what I did with that timer who tried to wake me up after the first hour. *Yawn...* Today is going to be a busy day.  My doctor appointment was switched over from  7:30-8:30 am.  My computer crashed yesterday so a technician is coming sometime between 8:00 am - 11:00 am to do the recovery work (he's promised to charge us at least a couple hundred for this).  And, I have the Thinking Group between 9:15-10:15 am.  I figure by this afternoon I'll be so far behind that I will be definitely stay overtime.   

We'll go in a few minutes early today ... and, I don't think we're giving our minds a chance to think of a real journal entry.  We're a little concerned over Slo's orchids, but didn't know how to help her.  That was the last thing I remember thinking about.  Well that, and a dream.   

We were dropping of some people on a bus and some how or another we picked up Clint Eastwood.  Maybe because we'd opened up those kind of thoughts the night before when we were thinking of who we thought was most handsome.  Maybe we've dated ourselves here, but we're in favor of going with an older guy with good wrinkles and creases in his face. 

What to Do When Thinking/Feeling Overwhelmed

Let’s see … what happened yesterday.  Hmm, we were working on an old familiar analogy we’d used that is helpful to us.  We keep an extra imaginary filing cabinet for our thoughts and feelings.  I know it might seem a little strange … but not really.
 
First you write your thoughts out on documents (mentally or on index cards, sticky pads, or small scrap paper).  For each thought write one document.  Be detailed or vague.  Then sort these documents in files folders that you label.  This file is for Wednesday’s thoughts, this file’s for anger, or this file’s for my daughter, etc.

Each thought is its own document and you can put as many documents into a file as is necessary.  You can also have a miscellaneous file.  The files go in one of the cabinet’s drawers.  You might want a drawer for home, work, in between or something different.
 
Thing is you and only you are in control of this file.  No one else has keys.  You make the choices.  You can either create new documents, or open up a file and sort through documents putting them in order, or you can look over and revise one particular document which would create more documents.  If you no longer need a document … choose to throw it away.
 
Practice control over individual files.  Open files, close files.  Take out just one, or many.  When you are done thinking or processing your files, redirect your attention to something safe and comforting, such as a cup of tea, a warm blanket, or a favorite movie.  Choose options including when and where to explore and when to simply walk away and forget.

Am I being weird again?

Community Appreciation

This morning, we are a little more excited than most. Just felt all day yesterday as if we were stepping into a whole new role in our world that is grand!

There was a time in our life where we thought ours social life pretty empty. We are in "real" life kind of on the shy side. Well, can’t speak for all the others here, but me directly. The makeup of our parts make it very difficult to go out shopping or even stand in long lines at the post office or theater. But, being able to be a part of other’s lives is important to our well being.

One of our doctors, at one point, acknowledged for us that meeting people on the computer was like our optimal distance. We’re thinking that it might be the same for some of you. As much as we can appreciate work, we are really happy to be at home in front of our own computer. We are happy to come home. It’s a connecting feeling like being in the center of a group hug.

We’ve got a few heroes in our on-line life. We respect the leadership shown by John G, Free, Steven, Vivian, and of course, Slo. In all these people we find a special affinity as do many others. None of these people are above and beyond one or the other though and each have made leaps into knowing the broader community and supporting it. They share and empathize with the whole. We feel we have a lot to be grateful for in their company.

But, now there are more. We are a part of both of the journal groups, "The Journal keeper’s" and "Born to Blog." They each seem to be taking on slightly different personalities. Each morning we get the mail from both.  We find most journal people want to be known and we find most journal people willing to share and trust to growing degrees. 

*Giggle* <----(I do this a lot...), Guess we should stop dawdling here? There are journals to be reading. Don’t forget to send John nominations of your favorites!

We're Now Part of a New Team

This weekend something special happened. John accepted us as one of his fellow award- GIVER panel members.  We hold John in high regard and spend so much of our free time reading journals, we volunteered. We are hoping the match up of John, Berly, Bill, Crystal and us will prove to be a positive equation in promoting journal awareness within the journal community.

We received the Excellence Award for Journaling on September 24th, 2003.  John has given almost 50 awards since he began the program. I know that he had it in his heart all along to honor and give respect to people and their writing. John has contributed more than most, and in return earned the respect of the community due to his kindness, sincerity, and generosity of time.

I believe John's recognitions came before AOL had changed their recognition program. Through a slight on AOL's part, Journal-people grew to be a stronger community who moved forward again by honoring their peers in giving the first AOL Journal Awards presented on November 9th, 2003. Now, there is to be a second AOL Journal Award presentation.  

Between these events and a few other such as Frank having created the Journal Enquirer, then having passed and the tragedy that Mary faced in the loss of her home ... These factors helped to draw people together.

From the Beta-testing days in July to the present time the community continues to progress.  At this time, a half year later, there seems to be a new surge of people interested in not only the journaling, but in the community experience.

Being in a community will mean people taking time to get to know one another.  Don't wait for someone to come to you, go out and meet the neighbors.  They'll be your best supports.  I feel at least for me, this is the right thing to be doing.  Thanks John G. once again for this opportunity to take part in something larger than just us.  And, active journaling to all new and old!

Searching for Godliness

The one thing that I can be sure of is my hidden belief that God communicates to me through the Internet. No matter where I am in mood or spirit, he leads me new directions, unfathonable. It is a world lacking poverty of thought. But, I’m pretty sure we have a merciful God. He won’t leave me dangling for long.

It took me a whole day of trying to relax before he lead me to a site with an article by David Brooks of "The Atlantic." The article is called, "Superiority Complex." He writes, "We are a nation in which almost everybody is above average. We are convinced that we are running our own lives quite well, whereas the idiots around us are screwing up theirs."

Brooks continues to say, "Everybody gets to be an aristocrat now. And the number of social structures is infinite. You can be an outlaw-biker aristocrat, a corporate-real-estate aristocrat, an X Games aristocrat, a Pentecostal-minister aristocrat. You will have your own code of honor and your own field of accomplishment. And everybody can be a snob, because everybody can look down from the heights of his mountaintop at those millions of poor saps who are less accomplished in the field."

This is who we’ve become ... in a nutshell. I live the credo, "I please me." ‘Cept not all the time. Cuz, the other half of the time, we’re barely worthy to ... scrape barnacles off a ship. Whoa be it the heights of mountainsheerism. We've again caught ourselves thinking of the beauty of being a big fish in a small pond. Then I step outside this shell and feel overpowered by the omnipotency of life. Here let me show you.  I’ll look that up ... "omnipotency of life."

Yep, yep ... Within one minute of searching out this truth, I find, "Father Divine." He says, "The knowledge of GOD is greater, is bigger and better. It is mightier because it is OMNIPOTENT. It is an expression in such a conviction. Such a belief in GOD, where GOD HIMSELF being Present, that belief will lift you above your other fellows and establish your going in the Land of the Living, and will give you your real emancipation from every undesirable condition."

What you say? It’ll cost $175 to emancipate my soul?? Maybe I should keep looking ... I know the answers are out here. Somewhere ... Cuz I don't have $175 to buy my salvation...  I'm pretty sure God's just teasing me here ...

Problem Solving - One Step at a Time

Hmm, thought we should take some time to figure out this next part. There was another upset with the boss yesterday. Apparently, two of the DSP’s had gotten together to complain to her about me.

They said that I was giving them too much work to do, especially with the individual’s goals. Problem was that instead of them talking to me, Sr. Tess had to come in my office (my friend was there too) and she was yelling it at me. We got defensive pretty fast, so the whole thing stayed on kind of an emotional level.

After this had happened, we decided to leave and in so doing accepted the invitation of going out to dinner with our friend. He didn’t really want to get into it, but we were pretty insistent, so he reverted back over to the boss role at the dinner table.

I guess the situation had continued after Sr. Tess left our office. Both she and he were in her office up front and one of the DSPs had decided to complain some more. Through all the wish-wash of the situation, my friend had decided to support my side of the argument, but he was challenging back I'd have to control my emotions.

Basically, we have the situation of some DSPs who don’t want to do the extra effort of helping individuals one-on-on and they don’t want to do anything new. They prefer to lecture to the group, give the group the answers, mark them all 100% learned and go happily on to whatever other subject comes to mind.

My friend is saying that my co-workers are still pretty threatened of me. Even though, I’m very careful to meet their needs each time a problem comes up, intellectually and with passion we’re still overwhelming them. I’m not sure what to do about this. First thing, I guess is to calm down. Have we mentioned before ... we don’t do anger well?

My friend was able to explain to Sr. Tess what she already knew. The State and CARF expect "individual" goals and for the goals to change as necessary. But, the DSPs are threatening to quit if they have to really be challenged. They are 6 hour a day people, that's it.  And, through all this frustration, I’m fretting because it’s a block in getting my work completed.

I actually really read the notes from the DSPs and the individuals. I try to comply to needs. Thing is this DSP is upset even that I am asking the individuals their needs.  How are we to handle this line of thinking? 

Cookie Break

Guess what? Guess What?? You know what? We got a day off!

It’s by accident, we’re sure. I went out to the car this morning and warmed her up for 20 minutes and I still couldn’t get the ice off the front windshield. So, we called Sr. Tess to tell her we’d be late and she said we should take the whole day off! She said there are a lot of warnings out because the roads are so icy. Instead we’ll go in Monday although Monday was supposed to be a day off. Suits us fine!

We want to apologize for anyone who has stopped by to find that we haven’t yet updated for a couple of days. I think we’re trying to take on too much work again and the tiredness of doing this is affecting our sleep patterns. Been waking up too late to write or visit. Maybe we can make up for some lost time now that we have a couple of days off.

There is a new addition to the schedule. We’ve took it upon ourselves to take part in a local committee. We’re going to try holding back our interests, but we were feeling kind of bad for them. In our state, the government forms citizen/providers councils in different areas of the state to advise the higher ups of things going on in the field of developmental disabilities. It is considered a grass roots group.

My friend is the treasurer and I had known that the secretary who had the responsibility of taking minutes had dropped out (There is parent members and provider members who share each of the positions). None of the other council members had the ability or desire to take minutes, and it was taking a negative toll on the group, so I finally volunteered.

*Giggle* We don’t want too much work though, so we said if they would like, we could be the secretary to the remaining secretary. That’s it! Pretty good, huh? The first meeting was on Wednesday night. I liked it and they seemed to like me! The deal is I work for "cookies." All kinds, chocolate, frosted, sandwich, powdered ... you know I’m usually pretty opened minded on this kind of stuff!

Cruizing at High Altitudes

Yesterday we were in for almost a 12 hour shift. We’re saying that as a form of an apology for not writing much else than work thoughts. And by that ... we’re not complaining, cuz we love this kind of day.  There's a steadyness to it.

The problems between Sr. Tess and I have subsided. She usually builds herself up to a yell, then it seems she calms down. Or, maybe its just that the distance it puts between us helps caution against our upsetting her further. We both go to our separate work corners and just do bunches of work.

Sr. Tess is a little grumpy about having to do more CARF work than she’d originally intended, but she’s still pretty sure she wants me caught up with our other duties. Then late last night she added that I should have a "Thinking Group" this morning. 

The Thinking Group (24 of the clients) will work on a goal called, "The Movie Expert" goal. We made this up yesterday to tie in one of the individual’s interest in watching movies and maybe someday working in a movie theater with her needs to learn sequencing. She has a real hard time moving from one space to another. This was done with the help of the Blockbuster site and their Family movie options.

The majority of the day was spent either doing Qnotes or pulling together the annual. We have our computer desk set up as if it was a cockpit. We’re surrounding ourselves with resources needed to pull off these tasks.

The Qnotes are actually fun to do *Giggle that is if there weren’t almost 300 of them to accomplish! Each note is its own page. After the name and date, there is space for the three goals we watch. The individual we worked on yesterday has goals in money, social skills, and a project called, "you’re on your own." In general our center tries to teach skills that the individuals will need "out there" in the world.

After the progress of the goal is noted, then there is sections on what the individual liked or disliked about the month, how the direct support person (DSP) felt that individual had done with the month, then finally a conclusion and suggestions from me (the QMRP). We need for the DSP and individual to both progress.

In all, it’s very interesting to us to watch the unfolding of events from one year to the next. I really really enjoy being back in touch with the individuals.  Just love these people to pieces!

It's Nearly Time to Procede with the Day

We’ve enjoyed the few hours we’ve had to ourselves yet this morning, but now that the time is drawing nearer to be leaving our position of comfort, we are beginning to feel more fearful.

We don’t want to get lost in this feeling. There are good things ahead. There will be a visit to the good doctor this morning. It feels as if its been a long time since we’ve been there. I think we’ve been strange or maybe better yet, strangers to ourselves of late with series of confusing thoughts and feelings.

Most things we do and think about, we’re not able to remember without some kind of environmental cue ... like the journal entries. They’ve become our bread trail into the past of our yesterday and the day before. I had one therapist who used to tell me that we were strange and that I should watch our behavior. It’s not that I felt un-cared for by him, he was just saying something we’ve heard all our life. We’re strange. Gee doc. Thanks. I feel much more reassured.

I’m not sure what kind of day it will be at work. Though, I think I will avoid the boss today if at all possible. She’s become much too complex for me. There is disparity between our worlds and I’m confused by it. I want to fit in and contribute, but I’m not sure I know how. I think it fair to let her know ... I envision the next 4 weeks working on the client file project that isn’t going to make her happy.

Will she be able to accept this and work through it, or will she become emotional and distracting? Have I lost all of her trust in me? Why did she feel as if she should be yelling? Could she acknowledge even that she did this? It’s not like her to admit fault, would it then be vain of me to assign it? Even toward myself? It is hard to know.

What about that box of Kleenex? Will this be the week it gets knocked of its ledge? How much anger is left? Or, maybe its been dissipated to just confusion. How is this to be sorted out? Am I necessarily weakening my hand? Better it not, then the chicken whose sky is falling down? I feel in trepidation. I’m apprehensive. I sense danger in her dismay.

I conceive at times, I am her best friend, but worst enemy. It scares me that she could crush me. Hmm, back now to no need to volunteer to another’s anger without restriction.

Is it True Crickets are Lucky?

We figure that we’re on a journey. We don’t know where it is going. We have in mind still that we value our thoughts and feelings. My thought now is having trouble letting go. The feeling is a weariness. My experience is that if I give it enough time the heaviness of the feeling will abate itself.

We need to ground ourselves in the present. Lunch was good. We made ourselves some spaghetti. Nap was good. Took that around 8 am. Coffee is good. Maybe one more cup left.

We’re hearing cricket sounds. They are near the water and I can hear ducks in the far background. Now breath deeply. Let that sigh give way. Hmm, a bull frog is added to the choir.

It’s important that I still love. Hmm, I can do that. Though I most enjoy that I have a day to myself. I am making choices, exploring, discovering that of which I like to do best.

I have to think of my capability ... that was challenged indirectly. Sometimes my need for order and detail frustrate the other, because in time, they’re costly. But, I’m afraid I wouldn’t value myself forced under superficial constraints. It’s not within our mindset.

I love how stories, projects and even people unfold themselves upon ones mind. I love newness and change. Always there can be improvement.

In being aware of another’s anger, do I necessarily though need to volunteer myself without restriction? Life sometimes is deeply affecting; one might need better to steady self as a steel pillar buried deep within the ground.

I am who I am and I do what I do.

If a message is trying to be conveyed to me it is best not done out of hostility. We regress. Ahh, but the secret is to not regress. Obviously, in the other a ship’s been jumped. It forces the question of responsibility.

I have to check the moorings that connect us to our "job." If it is within the nature for my employer to ask of me more than we’ve previously projected as is our ability, we’ll have to then consider of that which she appears to now need.

Maybe we ought follow the stream that leads way to paths as yet unopened.  About 10-12 more hours before me lay. Oh quit ye guilty mind ... The time must/need be for ourselves.  It is a choice to visit friends old and new.

I can be ready for this day and the next.  Give lightened heart!

A Quiet Day to Re-coop and Reconcile

We’re still trying to get over our hurt from Friday. We feel slow in resolution.

Yesterday, we were slow in getting down to the office (overslept). When we got there, Sr. Tess opened the door, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to speak with her on work matters. When we got back to our office, we saw that our friend’s things were at his desk.  

We’ve been taught over the years that the best thing to do when feeling this lost and frustrated was to dig into work. So that is what we did. We have 24 clients on our caseload so decided to take it one at a time. We picked up the first file and worked our way through it, especially in regard to his last annual and missing Qnotes.

We figure that between doing this and taking care of others things, we won’t be able to do more than one individual a day. The work will be done 2 ½ weeks before the survey, but it will take the full month to do it, where Sr. Tess is allowing in her mind that it will take two weeks.

To be fair, I don’t know if she realized how critically far behind I was getting by only doing the CARF work. I had left for her Friday night a copy of missing documents to the individual’s file. She wrote back, "how could you get so far behind?"

About 1:30, she came into our office for the first time of the day and was asking us about CARF. Even though she said there was to be no talk of it. It left us feeling confused and somewhat scared.

I can only do one thing at a time well. My work is very good. I can only be pushed so hard.  I don’t handle anger well. Either my own or other people's. I know because of Dr. M. We’ve been doing the best we could do. Most often we spend a good portion of each hour talking about what is happening at work.

It doesn’t make it any easier now ... I know we should be breaking from work for the day. We need time to re-coop. Maybe today, we can do what we enjoy. We like spending time with the journals. Even God said, "Sunday is a day of rest." Monday will be here soon enough. Ok, that’s the plan. Be nice to yourself Mi. We’re all for it!

A Hard Day

Yesterday was a hard day. We were distracted at the end by going out with some friends from work. The one we hadn’t seen for awhile ... she’d quit the center ... is now due in April, is reported to have eloped, and is sporting a very sparkly diamond on her finger. She seemed happy with the turn of events as did her hubby.

As a side turn of events, this friend invited another friend who was humorous, but demanded being the center of attention. So, we finally conceded and just sat back to be entertained.

We attended two meetings yesterday and got some small things accomplished.

The first meeting was the Administration meeting. It was hard. Sr. Tess was in a angry mood and appeared to demand strict control. The regular meeting was rushed because of CARF being on the agenda, but when it came to that subject. She refused anyone else the floor.

Basically, her point was that no one could talk about it until after things were caught up for the State inspection at the end of February. I had put together notebooks catching everyone up with where we stood, but she wouldn’t allow them to be introduced. So, instead of getting the help that was needed, the project became even more buried in difficulty.

I left the meeting quickly afterward because by then my eyes had become wet and blurry. That was followed by anger. I thought I’d be able to control it, but after a few moments of being back in our office, our friend (also at the meeting) came in and tried to exert his control and power too. It was a very bad scene.

By the second meeting, the staff meeting, we were back in control of ourselves. At least we were quiet and respectful.

I had to have a letter going out to all the parents approved. Sr. Tess I guess had sensed some of my anguish and in private with me, she tried to be consoling. All I could do was say, "Yes, ma’am."

And, Slo Will Lead the Way

This morning we’re feeling ok. Maybe a little pensive. Today we have an Administration meeting. Maybe if we could retain an older self version of ourselves ...

There are four of us (other staff) in the Center’s Administration Team. We’ll have to do something in creating a CARF presentation. It is supposed to be the main focus of today’s monthly meeting. I’m not worrying about that as much as worrying over getting things all accomplished.

Somehow, we’ve got to be telling these three others (I’m the lowest on the totem pole) that I’m not going to be able to do it all on my own. Not that and put time into annuals, Qnotes, meetings and clients. Shoot, we've all been giving our hard luck stories as to why not get the work accomplished.

Sr. Tess has helped the most. She worked on the CARF finance book. She could commit to doing two or three more, especially the ones on legal and Governance Board.

Yesterday, we were still working from the point of needing a lot of order. While putting away the 2002 records from the client’s files, we discovered in storage a box of hanging files. We couldn’t think of anything else beside using them. Cuz they were purple. Hmm, maybe younger parts are trying to help too? 

We did make progress ... but, it is slow. By Saturday, we figured, we are going to need to dedicate 7 ½ hours a day over the next 30 work days doing 1 Qnote every 15 minutes. There has to be 30 Qnotes written each day to make the deadline, plus the other things, plus CARF. Just have to economize, right?

Feeling pressure. But it could be worse. Remember the movies they showed you in Lamaze class? Just a little pressure? LOL - haven’t thought of that before ... I’m the only one of the four of us that ever delivered babies. Of the Administration team, one has remained single and unattached, one’s a male, and the last is a nun. Maybe we're better programmed to carry on.

Think we’ll Follow Slo’s example. It’s time to turn on the Barouche. If its going to be Rachmaninoff for Web Design it'll have to be, "Sonate N.4. I. Allegro," by Jean-Joseph Cassanea De Mondonville for the Center's work.  Slo, you be our hero!

A Bad Day

This morning we wanted to write about our best friend. He was having suuuuch a bad day yesterday that we felt he deserved due credit for his ability to still smile at the end of the day.

The first obstacle was that he needed to step past his comfort level in putting in our new battery on a very cold morning. He worked diligently until the problem was resolved. That put him though a bit behind his normal schedule. We thanked him and each went off to work our separate ways.

On his way to work, he received three calls. The first was that his mother had to go into the doctors for some important medical tests. There wasn’t any word as to how she was doing. Then his wife called to talk over problems with their 19 year old. He has an ailment too and the parents are worried of the Valium the doc had prescribed. Then work called and told him that a pipe had broken and done serious water damage to a good portion of some important stock.

About this time, his car engine started to whine and it began making thumping noises. He begins looking for a place to pull over because smoke is billowing out the car’s back end. He’s relieved to find a shop within a block or two. He was told his transmission had gone out and it was going to cost him $2,500. Then the mechanic adds that he’s got oil in the antifreeze and it was leaking into the manifold, which is another $1,500.

The mechanic tells him it will take 3 days to fix, so my friend figures he better rent a car. He thought he was in luck when they volunteered to drive the rental car to him. But, then they discovered that his driver’s licence had expired. So the rental people drove him to the DMV to get a new license. But, to add to his trouble, the DMV informed him that he is going to have to take the test all over again.

At the end of his communication, he explains how everything worked out, but in the process, he was worrying of the cards possibly being stacked against him.  He was scheduled to play poker last night. 

You know, I know that this kind of day could happen to anyone, and although we tend to want just to appreciate his day for not being ours, we're thinking now ... maybe we should listen to him when he talks of handling problems.  He says, just take 'em one at a time and work your way through them.  Thanks friend ... we're listening and hope today is ... um "better."

Business Update

We’re starting out the morning with a little better general frame of mind. There are still pressing concerns, but we were able to work forward on them. The first part was in figuring out "how to get to work." The higher powers that be decided to send a car for me and I was told I would be also driven home with cables in hand. It was like, ok ... they want me to work, right?

I decided after getting there that I should schedule myself more tightly to be achieving specific state inspection goals. That and being the first of a new year, I clicked on an old software favorite of ours. It’s called the Lotus Organizer.

After we sketched into the organizer how we thought our day could and should look, we wrote down a couple of notes, made a few calls, and started a new "To-do" list. We also re-instituted our timer. She’s been a good friend ... keeps us moving on task.

The goal is now set to be writing Qnotes (monthly summaries of the clients). We needed to cover the other bases though of ALL that needs doing. We’re woefully behind. I hadn’t filed proper for like 4 months. Usually we short cut by using an alphabetical sorter we keep in our top left desk drawer. So, we emptied that out (about 3-4 inches of paper).

Doing that helped us get the client files back under control. The next step is to go through the 24 client files to see what is missing and now that it is ‘04, we need to purge the files. Figured that all can be done at the same time. This is the time of year you write letters to parents reminding them to get in doctor and dentist appointments.

We’re behind on Annuals (client goals for the year) that need to be finished too. We were able to have meetings for 16 people during the last 4 months, but all the paperwork isn’t complete. After all that is said and done, we can be actually doing the Qnote work.

It’s not that anyone is being irresponsible, but being in any social service organization that is not properly funded or staffed, there is always more work than is possible to accomplish as timely as one might like . I think after a week or so, we’ll have to schedule in both CARF and Client file work. Unfortunately, next week we’ll also start up again with more annuals and intake meetings. We can do this, right?  It's still early, we can put in a couple hours before going to work.  Take it easy girl...

DearHeart

This morning it’s very blistery out there. Tried opening the balcony door so the kitties could get some fresh air, but the wind nearly knocked us over. Oh man. Just looked ... it’s 0 degrees with an artic wind chill of -20 to -25 below 0. Yeeks and bejeebers!

Yesterday had mixed reviews. We started with the good doctor, went to work, then a friend came over and helped with some household chores and errands.

All we can say about work really is that we were there. I knew it was going to be a bad one when I found out I’d have to order half a dozen parts for four of the printers. We had lousy luck for two hours with the three different sales people. We recommend HP Printers, but not for the service!

Big news was, of course, in the return of Dr. M. This morning we’re feeling kind of bad for him at having put him through us. We didn’t push the tissues to the floor. We needed them to wipe away some of the tears. To be fair, he did volunteer the tissues to be pushed off the ledge.

It’s very hard to remember the specifics of any given session. In general, we knew that our core part, DearHeart, was out followed by Anniemi. Anniemi was able to follow some of what DearHeart was processing, but DearHeart is at a level too low for most of us to be sensing clearly.

We’re thinking at this point that some of her problems is kind of a regular thing for her. She seems to not really be involved much in an external world. We don’t believe she wants to care about us. We do feel relief that she is attempting to communicate through our doctor. She appears to be in quite a bit of emotional pain.

From what we gather, being a multiple is different than in being a singleton. We don’t always have real good communication with "our" feelings or thoughts. I know we have to work on this, but it is hard. Her pain is scary to us. No one wants to be overwhelmed though, maybe including her?

Something else too.  Someone was stealing looks at Dr. M.  A lot of time we don't seem able to.  We used to get backhanded for looking directly at our mother.

... Later (7:11 am) - Car won't start ... going to be a goofy day.

A Shaky Start to the Day

This morning we seem to be less ambitious than normal. Think we’ve got one thing in mind. We are just this close to seeing Dr. M. one and a half hours now. We took our shower early and am planning extra time to find our car under all the snow we had yesterday. Sure hope she’s going to start. Not sure I trust her battery.

One of the kitties appears to have learned to lay lengthwise on the arm rest of our chair. Don’t know how she got there, but at some point, we were bound to realize that our left arm was now resting on her and she was getting petted under the chin. Darn, they’re sneaky!

We’re not violent, but I have to admit we’re having some violent thoughts this morning. Yes, you guessed it. It seems within us it’s becoming very popular that we would all be mad at our doctor. Well, there’s a few hold outs. Sarah’s barely ever mad, nor Jesse. And Ayn and Ann are more likely more worried than angry.

Well see, there you go ... only 80% angry.

Next obvious question is why? We can be perfectly reasonable in our awareness that he needs vacations too. Can’t we be? Funny thing is ... we can see him at his computer reading this. A big wide smile will overcome his face and he’ll lean over towards his right to see us better and ask, "So you’re only 80% angry at me?" And, he’ll look fairly anticipatory as if to say, "...I’m such a nice guy too!"

He’s so irresistibly nice ... hardly can imagine that someone could be upset by him, at least for long. He’s likely to give us that same energetic smile when we enter the door and he'll say something like, "So, you made it!" "GRRRRRRRRRROOOWWWWWLLLL!" Like to "slap him around" for a few moments. See violence! Sorry, sorry, sorry...

It’s a tough session ... most likely we’re going to want to make sure he has read every entry. But, he’s pretty smart. He has either read the journal before we came in, or has quickly stood up at mention of the journal reading. Man-o-man ... was he missed! As far as you are concerned Dr. M. ... still think violence may be the answer!  This be ok?  Maybe knock the kleenox box off the table or something?

How Many Days?

Since it has been sooo long since our therapist abandoned us before the holidays, we figured, we will just have our own little session.

Dr. M.: So, how does that make you feel?

Jamie: Well ... I’m feeling just a wee bit grouchy about this. And, NO I don’t want to share my feelings!

Dr. M.: Sounds like you may be a little angry at me

Casey: Did you mean to leave us all by ourselves?

Dr. M.: Is that how you felt? All by yourselves?

KC: I don’t think that’s fair, stop picking on her!

Dr. M: I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to pick on anyone. I think somebody may be angry with me.

KC: Well, if I were talking to you, I might be angry.

Dr. M.: Oh, why is that?

KC: All they did when you weren’t here is work and I don’t want to work anymore!

Dr. M: What did you want to do?

Corey: I think she was disappointed with Santa Claus

Dr. M: Did Santa Claus come?

KC: Tears ... I don’t want to talk about it!

Dr. M: It’s ok to be upset

Casey: Why’d you leave us??

Corey: I’m sorry, maybe there is a little anger here.

Dr. M: Do you feel angry?

Corey: You won’t believe this, but Sr. Tess now wants us to do CARF and prepare for the State inspection all in the same time ...

Kate: It is obvious we are not going to be able to get this all accomplished!

Dr. M.: Do you think you could talk to Sr. Tess

Kelsie: It’s like talking to a brick wall. She had the audacity to act as if she didn’t know we hadn’t been working on both.

Dr. M.: Can you work on them both?

KC: He left the kitties mice, but he didn’t leave me anything.

Dr. M.: Did the kitties like their mice?

Casey: Oh yes!

etc., etc., etc.

Sarah: Hey, can I introduce you to Babyshark?

Thanks Guys for Listening

Today, we’re going to try and relax a little. Maybe sit back in our chair a little bit. We’re feeling in a bit of a summary mood. Try to clarify our position. Since the holidays, we’ve talked about our boys, the car, work, our sense of purpose, work, our father, God, more work, appreciation, and last fear.

Besides a lot of thoughts on work, little parts of our personal life creep into the picture. Most often we can see the positive side of things and enjoy doing that. We still worry and have our doubts, but am guessing that’s pretty natural. The growing love for ourselves and others is the overriding emotion. And, to that we give great thanks.

It’s been a while now since we’ve directed ourselves to the people who’ve stopped a moment to share with us a comment. We’d like to say thank you.

From Marcia Ellen, we feel strength. John G. represents caring.  Penny is genuine.  Muse brings prospects of a new beginning. Erin brings a new generation of expression. Vivian shares of herself and always gives good information. Mia is consideration forward.  John F. is a downright, heck of a guy. Steven brings thought of wonder and amazement. Slo encourages our best and is always reaching within herself to do the same. Berly is withstanding and with Shasta we find blessings. Irun is anticipation of what is next to come. Babyshark is a plentiful source of hope and enthusiasm. Free supports with unparallel energy and perspective and Jeanne brings us back to discovery and reflection.  Donna is effort and last Kayleen shows desire to learn.

For all of this, we are grateful. Most often, we don’t comment directly, but you should know you give us a sense of attention to an external world much larger than the internal one we find within our head. *Giggle* and that’s a lot to compete with! And, Babyshark ... you go ahead and have as many faces as you would like!

Don't Dare Pinch Me

Sometimes I wake up worrying about things.  One of the things that CARF asks you to do is to get an idea about the dangers in your neighborhood.  This seemed reasonable enough. 

 

So, we started looking around.  I’m pretty good about getting around on the Internet.    

Apparently, the police in our city are doing something new.  Because of freedom of information laws in affect, they are now giving the public a Crime Report for Our police "Beat" and other "Beats" around the city.      
 
The center is within the pink lines.  The red circles represent robberies, batteries, assaults, and weapons violations.  The green squares represent thefts, damage, and burglary.  The blue triangle represents narcotics, and the red/yellow circle represents domestic violence. 
 
Thing is … the 25 crimes charted (see below) represent only the two weeks from December 14 through December 27, 2003.  I forwarded the information to Sr. Tess.  She said, “Oh that’s not so bad!”  REALITY!??  
 
Armed robbery:handgun, simple battery, theft:Over $300, Simple assault, criminal  damage to vehicle, telephone threats, simple battery, poss:cannabis less that 30 gms, attempt robbery:armed-handgun, crim trespass to land, aggr assault:other dang weapon, unlawful use other dangerous weapon, armed robbery:other dangerous weapon, simple assault, automobile, automobile, armed robbery:other dangerous weapon, violation order of protection, criminal damage to vehicle, criminal damage to vehicle, armed robbery:handgun, burg:forcible entry, simple battery, theft:$300 and under, theft: $300 and under.

Sigh ... The Computer

Well, looks like another late morning start. *Giggle* We were up much earlier, but decided to go back and grab a couple hours of extra sleep. That be like real vacationing, right?!

The thought that seems to be struggling through most predominantly this morning regard the marvels of the computer world. I’m pretty sure you all have in your own minds what it means to be a part of a technology’s foreplay, but this morning we want to personally stop and appreciate this for a few seconds of our day.

To me the computer represents a freedom of the mind unsurpassed by none other.  I’m not sure whether we appreciate more the programs or the Internet. I suppose there is no separating the marvels of either.

It is beyond recognition, the admiration I have for the people who work to put these possibilities into practice. I think that there is a wonderful Jungian collective mind in this world that is working to provide me and all of you with "the pursuit of happiness," and may I add personal, family and community security! 

With the computer, I can make sense of all that could possibly enter my mind. It blows me away that in almost every thought or query I hold, someone has been there before and provided a logical path for me to follow.

I know I’m being a little vague in why I feel so much excitement now. I’m not sure why this has come over me. Maybe partly because in my youth, we grew up in a world where we felt such contrary feelings of great ineptitude and isolation.

It made us feel very crazy and had terrorized us so much, that we dug out for ourselves a place to hide in our bedroom closet and had very long periods of time where we refused to acknowledge the world's reality. 

Today, I feel like I live out in the world ... and believe me, I’m in awe of the splendor of all that our (yours and ours) minds can produce.   Just lovin the whole darn thing!!

Way Past Bedtime

LOL - I’ve been working on Health & Safety issues for work for a pretty long time now. I knew when I’d worked myself to the point of having found this clip, it was really time to go to bed. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Our feature presentation is (click on live link):  Barney and Spots Winter Wonderland ... If you’ve already seen it, don’t give away the ending!

Day #1

Hmm, suppose the logical thing would be to figure out how we’re feeling about the brand New Year. Yep, just checked the computer’s clock. It does indeed say 2004.

Well, I guess that means the "yays" won over the "nays." Good, good...

Looking forward, I figure that we have a lot to be thankful for. This morning we pause to take an inventory ... inventory over our resources and resourcability.

So far, we’ve maintained an apartment. (Shoot better deposit rent check!), We’ve got a car that runs, and enough dinners in the cupboards to make it through the next week.

Our boys are safe and sound, most of our friends are happily married, we’re in love with our psychiatrist, and I’m pretty sure our boss means to keep us!

Safety and Health seem to be doing much better, I feel my I’m in compliance with my rights, I like my roommates, leisure is all good, and we seem even to be liking ourselves.

When I ask myself how are we different than last year, all fingers seem to point in the same direction. This year we’re starting off with God in our corner.

Please don’t take this wrong. We don’t figure to be converting anyone here or veering right wing, but...

It’s just that there was this one point during the chaos of ‘03 that we needed to do some pretty strong figuring.  Basically, we needed help more than E.R. and even the good Dr. M. could supply ... though he tried real hard!

When we stopped to ask, there was an immediate response. He said, "Have faith in Me."  So we said, "Ok."  

For the last 5-6 months, He has kept us company, is never too busy to listen, He always knows how to treat us with respect. His love is unimaginable. And if He were to use the toilet, we’re pretty d*mm sure, He’d leave the seat down!

That's all.  Just wanted to make this point real clear.  All of who I am, what I represent, and all that I'm able to give, comes through Him.  Just have to remain open to the love we feel is shared.  Thanks for this and much more!

Day #1's all good.