Days Progress, Problems Skirted

The day yesterday was long ...

The first part of the day, we’d figured out that Sr. Tess was having the bookkeeper in, so we weren’t able to use her computer. We had shared that computer before we moved to the new office and it contains many records we still need to pull for CARF. So, we added sticky notes in the new book we are working on and started to progress by hand.

We were taking interruptions in stride. There was some frustration because our desk started piling up with paperwork that we didn’t have time to sift through. The best interruption was our secretary coming in with finished work and looking for more. I’d just been rewriting and we were able to give her our notes to make pretty.

We had a break in helping Sr. Tess watch the lunch crowd. It is an opportunity to touch basis with where all the clients are at. We were just finishing up our lunch after the clients when a familiar van pulled past our car. We waved and got out of the car.

Tony is our computer fix it guy. We’d gotten to the point of needing him to look at Sr.’s computer. We had problem getting onto the Internet and our virus scan, Symantec had put something in quarante and it seemed the program had locked up. Tony started looking around. He ended up reloading the program and then in the process he started removing all this Spyware stuff ... there were hundreds of these little inserts all over the computer.

Somehow though in the process it messed up with the start-up commands. It was a terrible feeling. During this time, Sr. came back into her office and took a call from our CARF surveyor. It was a lot of pressure ... the machine we needed DESPERATELY and the surveyor all pressing down on our senses.

The computer was purchased 5 years ago and it only has 4 GB in memory. Bottom line was that after four hours at $75 per, he ended up taking the computer with him saying that he was going to save all the work, but would have to start from scratch ... forgot the term here. You know clear everything then load the programs you want back in. I don’t know ... it’s kind of a harrowing experience. She’s supposed to be back by tomorrow though.

Needed to press on.  Went back to our office after hours and started clearing desks.  *Sigh* 

Picture - http://www.glasbergen.com/images/cre7.gif

White Horse

Yesterday at work, we had a hard time concentrating. And, we were kinda busted on that part from Sr. Tess. She did it in a nice way, but it stung nonetheless. Later, I showed her the email sent out to Dr. M. (And Floralilia). Sr. said to take care of it right away.

We’d given up another session with Dr. M. to younger parts, so hadn’t talked about the physical problems. It’s been something built up guiltily for a couple of months though. The adult connections were then made through email, then we phoned the Family Clinic, I’d been seen at.

The scheduler had wanted to do Thursday, but we wanted to put it off until after CARF (April 19-21). She put me on the phone with a nurse because we were apparently giving her a hard time. Nurse was pretty straight forward. She wanted us to come through emergency, but we refused again on the ground that although the lump is a couple of inches big, its been there already for a couple of months and wasn’t hurting. We compromised with the Thursday morning appointment.

Chances are that it is something lighter like a hernia, but Dr. M. wouldn’t go so far as to offer an opinion. He just wants it checked. He sent a note about us having made the appointment and said, "Good Job!" And, added one of his :-) faces. That counts a lot.  We also called and let our older son know.

After work, our friend met us at our house for a couple of hours. We both battled through quite a bit of the "system" being crabby. Then we started crying and had a hard time stopping. I think we could be described as pretty nonsensical. We were tucked into bed with our stuffed dog to rest the night. Our friend deserves our best apology this morning.

We’re much better now, but feel a little drained. We know we have to pull it together and get on with work this morning. As far as the younger parts and Dr. M. ... Casey used most of the time, but there was time that also went to Annemarie and maybe someone younger. It’s very hard to remember. Maybe in a day or two we’ll be able to figure out more. We know Casey was talking about moats and alligators and a white horse to our friend and we’re pretty sure Dr. M. had something to do with all that.

Picture - http://www.art.com/asp/sp.asp?PD=10019310&RFID=571189

Maybe We Could share?

Morning ... morning ... We woke up very early today, but took a slow walk around the J-neighborhood. At this time, both light and birds are up and I can hear from a distance early morning traffic and a plane overhead.

It is at this time of each day, that personal thoughts need to be noted and sorted.  Soon it will be time for our visit to Dr. M. We take great appreciation that he most often gives pause to see how we are doing with our journal and the community. Hehe ... a few of you are even known by him. Usually it is like, "You remember, she’s the one who ..."

At one point in time during our meetings with Dr. M., he initiated the term of "validating." The word seems to grow more important with each visit. Not only does he validate that I have a "world" lived out on the computer and at work, he validates our relationship with other parts of ourselves.

We know that either we will get a chance to talk with him today, or the time will be given over to some of us that don’t have as much time out as some of the others and me. We are kind of like standard fare of late. It’s not that we are "taking ourselves down," far from the contrary. We seem to be holding our own in the adult world. Well, a little worry about Saturday’s work effort, but in general, we’re pretty sure he would concur that we just needed some rest and am really doing quite well.

Well, ‘cept our physical health ... umm, maybe that could stand some improvement. Our diet is pretty bad, especially for a diabetic and we had three incidents this week of being hyperglycemic. That usually doesn’t happen. We might have to face the fact that bread, milk shakes and candy bars is not real stable food. And, we also know that there is concern about a particular lump. Still feeling defiant though. I don’t think we’re ready to check that out.

I suppose we might need to validate that the body needs some care too? Why does this bother us so? Feels like it "slows us down" to be giving it time and attention. *Pouting Sigh and heavy eyebrows.* Shoot, shoot ... we’re not handling this as adult parts are we? Feelings are at the level of being passed up in a game of jump rope.  Maybe we'll have to face this as an adult?  Then let the kids get back to the games ...  

Picture - http://www.bahala-na.co.uk/gallery/jumprope.htm

Not So Grown Up Yet

The morning birds are chirping. They’ve been up for hours.  Maybe they tell tales from long ago.  Hmm, or maybe they compare "worm restaurants," or gossip about the good lookers amongst them. I know my kitties sit for hours on the balcony listening ... 

Once a long time ago, we used to race the morning for the back door. The birds would scatter to the trees and telephone lines as the screen door banged noisily behind us. We’d cross the yard in our bare feet softening our feet in dew. Then standing before the shed we’d slide open the door to find with gratitude our pretty soft colored blue bike. We were very proud of her. She was tall, lean and fast.

We’d back her out and park her on the cement sidewalk next to the ferns that grew privately at the rear of the house. We’d pick up our tennis shoes and sit down on the one-step stoop to lace them. Invariably we’d dismissed the idea of returning to the house for a sweater or windbreaker.

We would then saddle her as the boys did, swinging our right leg over the seat. The first few moments were slow and bumpy as she pulled us over the grass long side the stone driveway. Dutifully, we’d hold her tight until reaching the asphalt street that lay lower than the house.

Small amounts of pressure to her peddles would warm her to faster speeds. Sometimes after having been parked along the curb anticipating the next ride, she'd decide to run figure eights down the length of our street. She was this graceful and the streets were clear having given ground to driveways.

Sometimes she'd tell us to stand up and coast with her swaying back and forth a wide path as if swishing between downhill gates. Sometimes, we’d ride around and around the block just to feel the flush of air across our face and arms and at times we’d take her back through the tree lined suburb’s paved streets daring us to travel as far as our independent world had ever reached.

This week we felt again a pleasure ... ‘cept now we drive the highway and freedom is only as far away as the windows unrolled.  We've got a shiny black car.  And, she's always been a beaut!  Life seems to progress its way with us!! *smile*

Picture - http://www.autobodypartsonline.com/cgi-bin/webc.cgi/st_prod.html?p_prodid=27593

Visiting with Dr. M.

The last couple of sessions with Dr. M., Casey (7 years) and Annemarie (12-13 years) have been out the most.  Anna was out this last time (4 years) and we’re not sure about the one who makes "the sounds," but we’re wondering if it couldn’t be Crystal (2 ½ years). We’ve also thinking that the one who is making our body rock is Marie (timeless). 

Casey still seems to be a portal for the others and she's been worrying. She’s not sure of her position of "sitting next to the others," but is working through her fears with Dr. M. She's afraid others will be more likeable than her. She knows now that KC (9 years) is spending more time with Annemarie or just away, so she is having to be a little more self reliant.

Annemarie isn’t tolerating much including Dr. M. She appears to be answering some of his questions, but is battling with him over her reality. I don’t think she is clear on the difference of past and present. Most of her time appears to be spent in a dark corner. She seems to be very stubborn and crabby and will take to flight easily. We do think she is trying hard, but the issues that she seems to be dealing with might be very difficult.

At first, Anna seemed to be more fearful, but this last time out, she was bolder. It’s unusual for anyone in "our system," but we think she was playing. She was able to look around the room and she appears to be more accepting of it than some of the others. She noticed a crystal ball on Dr. M’s desk and took delight in looking at it.  She appears to stare at/study things including his hands.

The one who makes sounds is more worrisome to us. She only makes a sound like "uh, uh, uh." I’m not sure if she’s presented herself fully. I think she’s coming out more on the edge of some of the others. It is like she wants time out, but is pretty unsure.

Many of the older parts like me (Corey 28 years) seem to be just observing. Jamie (about 32) seems the closest to the Casies and Crystal, but Ann and Ayn (both 44 years) watch over them. Annemarie seems closest to Casey and KC ... and she’s close to Anniemi (15 years) who is looked after by Kate (about 45 years). Anna seems to be mostly aware of Sarah and Henry (both early 20's) and they’re watched over by Jesse (50 years). 

Picture - http://furniturefind.com/Schnadig/SN6325-82.asp

To Thine Self Be True

Yesterday afternoon, there’d been another incident with lovey dovey stuff in back of the van. The girl involved is the more able of the two so was the first one we spoke with. The talk was going pretty good. We had reiterated the no touch rule and we talked instead of how she could present to her sister (guardian) about needing a social life at home where she can invite others over or go out.  

We felt sympathetic toward her as most we talk to, because it is very common for the families to seem overwhelmed and most often they do not help the individuals build equal relationships with friends. 

Thing is ... this individual was doing fine, but then she started telling this story as if it were as true as having cereal and milk that morning for breakfast. She said that she’d gone out bowling every night with her male friend, and then she named about 5-6 other individuals at the center who’d gone with. She said they are out until midnight, get a ride in a limousine, and the limousine comes from the hotel they’ve been staying at.

I must of looked doubtful because she asked, "You don’t believe me do you?" When I said, "no, but I can tell you do believe it," she just went on to defend her "story."

We have a pretty close relationship with our clients and it is rare that we hear this kind of tale. There was one story of a girl flying overnight to New York.  Both girls live in poverty.  Its not about lying ... it seems more a matter of wanting the stories to be true that reality is extended.  I told this one we’d talk about it again, but I wanted to give us both a chance to think it through.

I talked to a couple of other staff. It had alluded one of them, but the other confirmed, "Oh yes, I heard them talking about this since the beginning of the week."

The thing that bothers me is that I'm guessing, they are feeling so confined romantically between the Center and at home, they’ve taken imaginatively to a counter world. Escape is something we all do, but not knowing the difference between what’s real and not real, may be more of a problem. 

My friend golfs and fishes, but he knows he’s golfing and fishing.  He will though refer to "the one that got away."  I don't know ... Any thoughts?

Picture - http://www.extravaganzalimousine.com/

And, Best Secretary Award Goes to ...

Mornin, mornin ... We’re up late today. Today is Dr. M. Day. Not sure if there is anything to tell him about, except we’ve been working.

Yesterday, we had the Thinking Group in the morning. CARF wants you to be giving the information you are collecting to the individuals served and the other stakeholders. We decided to get the individuals involved with things that are going on during the Administration meeting.

There are about 13 different issues that we talk about at the meeting, but we only got through about 5 with the individuals. I didn’t see it coming, but they had a lot to say (35 minutes worth) about the first issue, transportation. Most of them get to the program by a special program called ADA Para-transit, and some of them are now linked to a cab service that works with ADA. The rides only cost $1.75 each way.  Before ADA the individuals were picked up in a couple of big noisy vans.

At the beginning of the meeting we had handed out a picture diagram of a decision making process. Part of that was that you don’t just talk about the problems, you work it around so that change occurs and people take on responsibilities. This part was hard on them, it took awhile to convince them not just to be adding more problems. But, I think they will get it ...

The rest of the day was spent working through one of the books on community. We’re into the cycle where we’re Sr. wants us to just update and go as quickly as possible. I have a half dozen quick things to pull with the secretary this morning, but basically, we went through the whole book yesterday. It’s about 3" of paperwork. Sr. gave us permission to be sitting at our old desk in her office where we used to sit before the office was built last year. That was very handy.

This morning I want to note a special appreciation to the secretary at our work. She has made a tremendous amount of difference in this last couple of months of work. Sr.’s office is next to hers. I was working very fast and kept calling out her name. It was like I need this and this ... help!  And, all during this time she set her pace to be working alongside ours while smiling and staying in a good mood! Yep, yep ... in my next life, I’m going to grow up and just work with Sr.'s secretary :) Like a gift from heaven she is!  Thank you special love!

Picture - http://www.oscars.org/index.html

Chicago Style

We’re supposed to leave a marker that Casey did her first hour with Dr. M. by herself. We’re proud of her, but still negotiating an ideal of not getting immediate rewards. It’s not just Casey ... Most of us in the "system" like being "treated."

It's of no surprise that most of our time is being spent on work nowadays. Our project is being again problematic. We’d already mentioned that a co-worker had been given one of the books to finish that was started by the extra boss nun. Basically, the Sister had just pulled sheets forward from one of our old books and added little sticky notes to "update." "Fine, fine ..." we thought.

But, then the co-worker decided she was going to do basically the same thing ... just pull me forward more work. She did add a few sheets, but none of her work was new or original. For over 7 years, she’s been using the same badly copied "junk." She also was suggesting that it was beyond her to update any of the original notes left by the Sister. Where I really lost it was her claim and reference to teaching staff and indviduals K-2nd grade behavior skills.  Nothing on being a fairly functional adult!

She not only skipped making progress, she's dragging it backward in time!!

I just got so mad. I couldn’t calm down the first night. Yesterday, I thought I had my emotions in check, but when Sr. Tess came back to my office, I just burst out in loud sobbing tears. This was only the second time in almost 5 years that this has happened, but its affect is unnerving. Afterward, we had problems with hypoglycemia, so were figuring low blood sugar had an affect on our emotions as well.  Bill?

In general, we are feeling affects of stress. Sister added yesterday, that she wanted CARF work finished in two weeks. We found ourselves argumentative. She wants all the old stuff just updated with new dates typed on the bottom of sheets, where I’d wanted something of better quality.

I know she’s the boss and is pushing us as bosses sometime need to do. Just a lot to be handling.  We are still in the game.  In regard to the co-worker ... carrying a gun be in the wrong direction?

Picture - http://www.allposters.com/gallery.asp?aid=321345&c=c&search=15376

Hurdles

Mornin! Running late this morning. Today is a Dr. M day too! Guess, we’ll get to work sooner or later :)

We’re still feeling pretty good about our weekend. Played around in Journal Land most of the weekend and then yesterday late afternoon, Macadam stopped by and we worked on the bills most of a couple hours. It’s getting there. We now know that the On-line banking works and have figured out what all we can pay for this payroll period. And, you know what? After about 4 years ... I think we’re going to get rent in on time!!

We figured out about getting the college school loan deferred until we can get it lowered to a lower amount. We figured out where all the hospital bills from last year are and have made a plan how to get them paid off. That will leave us with only household and computer related bills to be worrying about. He said next visit, he’ll help me get the medical bills together so I can take care of the taxes. You know he didn’t even get upset when I said, we donated $40 toward bread at the Center’s affair this weekend! Pretty good son!

Not much else happening. I do want to say congrats to Irun for his efforts over all those stairs yesterday. He’s a masterful person that Irun!!

Hmm, one more thing ... we picked up around our journal pages and included a few new faces. I’d like to welcome RC and Kat to our world. :) Not to worry, all you have to do is keep writing. We figure you already are doing something of excellence! We usually spend a great amount of time visiting journals that are new to us in J-land. I don’t think I can describe the special magic that we are looking for out there, but we enjoy the searching.

That’s about it ... lookin forward to the new day and all its challenges. Have a good one!!

Picture - http://anthonyjhicks.com/ajh/pictures.nsf/viewer/3A373255D011D626CA256A1800176AB5

A Chance to Dance and Make Merry

Morning, morning ... Feeling pretty good! 

Yesterday's spring fundraiser was very good. It was in a new hall that was bigger and brighter. There were just over 200 people.

There was a small reception area that included coat check, but, there weren’t too many people wearing coats because the weather was so beautiful. Each assigned table held 10 people and this year we were placed near the dancing. That was really neat.  We sat in between our friend and one of the Advisory Committee members who is an older local business man named Sol. Sister Tess sat on the other side of him.

The hall was decorated festively in spring time colors. There was three long tables near the door and bar for Sr. Flo’s homemade bread and craft items that the individuals had made to sell. Then up front in front of the musicians and dance floor there were maybe 10-12 tables for the drawing, raffle and blind bidding. The drawing was for a $1,000, $500, and $250 prize. We didn’t stay for that part yesterday, because our friend had to be getting home, but we’ll find out how that all went tomorrow.

There was about 45 minutes before people needed to be seated to roam and talk to folks. I stopped to chat with the families I knew.  One of my favorite moments was being with a small group of five clients who were selling $1 chances.  They had thought their business exhausted and then a woman came and bought 5 tickets from each. They concentrated very hard to be giving her the right amount of tickets and cash back.  It was a great feeling for all.

We sat down and presentations were made and then the individuals formed their choir to sing three songs. It was very beautiful. They had worked hard on learning the words. Then there was a family style dinner with three main dishes. The conversation was good and there was plenty of laughter.

I felt bad for one of my first clients I've nick named, "gentle giant."  I’ve never danced and can no longer stand and sway because of my spinal arthritis. He jested, "Come on Miss Ann, don’t do me like that!" Hehe ... after that we assured his dance card was filled with pretty young ladies. The afternoon moved too swiftly.  :)

Picture - http://www.korrnet.org/circle/cmdphoto.htm

Trying to See the Light

Hmm, guess what, guess what? We’re not working this morning! *Giggle* We were up, but faced with the luxury of going back to bed ... we gave in to all temptations!

It’s actually only a misnomer ... we’re being picked up in a couple of hours to attend the annual dinner dance fundraiser for our Center.  We’re a little intimidated by the crowd and needing to use good table manners, but we make do.

The past 2-3 days have been pretty busy as working days go. We finished up the CARF books of Human Resources, Legal, Leadership, and now tidying up the Financial. We write a lot of nifty neato little sticky notes until all the little details have been completed.

Last task has been to analyze budgets. Our Center had functioned as a school for the disabled for about 45 years, but we’ve been training adults with developmental disabilities since 1997. So, we went back through seven years of budgets and committed their numbers to a spreadsheet. I've got as far as to complete the revenue sections.  :)

It’s like an interesting mystery of how money comes and goes. A lot of trend setting. The first year, we were still being funded by the Chicago Board of Education and as of the last four years, we’ve been paid a block grant from the Illinois Department of Human Services. This week we found that IDHS is going to switch funding to fee-for-service by July 1rst.

That means that each individual will get so much money from the state and it will follow them to whomever is servicing them. It messes with the agencies a bit, because although the staff and other expenses have to be paid in total, the state will only pay for the days the individual is in training, although absenteeism runs 14%.  That's a 14% cut in a tight budget.

Again, it reflects a trend. The State appears to want minimal responsibility. The Direct Support People (DSPs) earn a take home pay of about $16-18,000 a year. QMRPs (degree required) earn a little more, but in general, financing the work seems to be a low priority.

Some people seem to think, "Hey, aren't they in it to be helping people?"  We'd ask, "Could this be an avoidance of financial reality?"

Picture - http://www.visionlightgallery.com/gallery/product1.cfm?SID=1&Product_ID=8104

Excerpts from a Note to Nadine Earlier This Morning

... we knew the mirror was going to be a pretty big deal.  But, you again held our attention with the carefulness. 

... Even though we knew the protective coverings were for our own good and the sake of the mirror.  It felt like we'd NEVER unravel it all fast enough.  We were being very careful, but the anticipation was sooo great!  Shoot, shoot ... crying again...

Nadine ... I love the mirror!  It took a while to take it all in though.  First thing we noticed was how thin and light she was.  Then we saw the clearness of color and changing images of the outer open mirror frame.  Then we trained the mirror steadily and found ourselves looking directly into the inner square.  We sometimes have trouble looking at things directly, so it took us a few moments to look past our image.  Our face changes with the differences of parts out, but this part viewed was deeply invested in the discoveries.  We, had to open our view to take in then next parts and the next.  It was like ... we hadn't been a part of the planning at all.  We weren't thinking of Sr. Tess at this moment.  We were more like in awe of just what we saw before us.  We saw one cross, then looked across and noticed there were two crosses.  This made us smile again and the smile was noted in the mirror.  We thought what straight, strong lines and we followed them each in turn to see how each joint was complete.  We remember then riveting our eyes from the white to the brown and being curious of their differences not only in color, but as well in clarity.  We could "see" something of the red in the rose, but we couldn't look at it all at once.  We were feeling overwhelmed in emotion.  But, as one moment meets another we couldn't help but shift our eyes to be seeing it.  Everything was and feels like now to be in slow motion.  We know we also looked carefully at the name, though we were seeing it all one letter at a time without being able to concentrate on the whole words all together.  When we looked at the S, there seemed to be some recall of having seen this before ... same with the rose.  We'd recalled how gracefully we thought the petals ... playful! 

Picture - http://hometown.aol.com/fyrecracker1/MyCreations.html

Umm, Maybe Like Later?

Still rushing here in the morning although we’ve been awake for a couple of hours. It takes us awhile sometimes for things to fall in place.

We haven’t thought yesterday out much, but it was fairly full. We’ve got one more important meeting coming up this morning, so we’re going to go in a few minutes early. Something about someone forgetting to type out the last minutes ... hmm. *sigh*

Til then ...

Picture - http://www.fcc.gov/cgb/cac/pictures.html#topofpics

(Our meetings are much like this, but no one dresses up, no one is electronically connected, or no one here is really at our meetings :) Fact is ... who are these people and why are they in our journal??  What are they talking about and maybe more importantly ... what is that lady to the far left of the screen eating???) 

 

Perks to Hard Work

Morning, morning ... We were up earlier, but went back to sleep for a couple of hours. There’s not much time yet to write. *Sigh*

Pretty much ... mostly the thoughts of the last couple of days are about work. I had finished my fourth CARF book and started to help Sr. Tess with the four books she’d been working on. I’m on my last one now.

There were a few surprise developments. The Administrator from our sister organization came to our Center on Saturday to help progress one of the bigger books remaining. She left a lot of sticky pad sheets of paper of things to be filling in later. One of the surprises was that after a year of not helping, the other Q volunteered some time. I’ll go over this book when she is done looking through it, but as of now it is sitting on her desk.

Another surprise was that the consultant volunteered time as well to be doing another "big book." These three people sit on either the Administration Team or the Governance Board. Although the help is late in coming, it is appreciated nonetheless.

We’ll do some detail work this morning on finishing up Sister Tess’ fourth book and in the process, she’ll start one of the last two remaining. I believe them to be only 11 standards all together. She’ll have time to jump start them because I’ll have the Thinking Group this morning. Plenty to do yet. We’re worrying about time to do an index and having a couple of stacks of new material ready to be filed in the books. This is considered the "touch-up" work.

Another big help has been the secretary. She’s been assisting Sr. Tess with her work on the books, but of late, Sr. Tess has let her assist me too. She’s done some great work at retyping reports and policies/procedures that either Sr. Tess or I have edited.

This "team" concept is something that has been lacking from the start of the CARF project. I’m glad for it now. I think it is not only more fair to me, it also gives more of the agency a feeling of ownership in the work that needs to be done toward accreditation. Shoot almost forgot ... I’ve been invited to the Advisory Committee late this afternoon to give a report on the development of our program. Lot’s to do, lot’s to do...

Hehe, can I say with the happiest of thoughts that last night Sr. Flo took mercy on me and our late night work hours and snuck me a small loaf of her homemade fabulous bread! There are perks with every job!!

We're About Ready for this Next Week Now

Mornin, mornin! Feeling pretty good this morning. Had a nice walk around the J-block with time to yet think out our next thoughts. Had gone to bed last night a little early, so well rested.

First thought that comes to mind is that it’s a Dr. M. day. Can’t beat that ... Just a couple of hours away too! Last week we didn’t get our Thursday evening meeting, so it’s been a very long week. Not sure of what all we did or thought about. Maybe it be a good thing he can read back in our journal to be catching up. He does this fairly quickly and asks/says some pretty cool things in the process.

Yesterday, while Macadam was here, he’d seen our picture of Dr. M. near the computer. He’d never seen him. He teased me because he was "kindof" a young, handsome guy. We had to giggle of that one while swearing off, "No, its not like that!" Ah, but of a younger heart!

We’re figurin in general that we’re much, much better off with a psychiatrist over a messy second marriage. There is only a couple of hours to be spent with him during the week, and all that time? He stays smart, pleasant, and just wants to talk, AND there is no beer, football game, or lid up issues either! That could be any girls dream :)

Hmm, remember to ask us about the new Sister too ... she came to help out at work for a couple hours with CARF on Saturday. It’s not that we’re forgetting this topic ... just trying not to stress out about it. I think the big inspection is officially about one month away now ... let’s not talk about it for more than a couple of minutes, please?

We’re in pretty good shape, all considered. Oh, and we’ll have fresh laundry to pick up later this evening too! Pretty good, hmm?

There was some conversation with Macadam that was pretty cool. He talked about doing pretty good down where he works at the Board. I felt very comfortable listening to him talking about "ticks" and "lots." Most of that came though from his excitement to be working at a job and living with his family, both of which he loves. Let me tell you ... that’s music to a Mom’s very heart! Giggle ... ok, now you can ask us about the "hard stuff..."  Oh yeah ... this week?  Read the comments too, k?

Picture - http://www.boardgames.com/chicedmongam.html

Money, money, money

Oh man-o-man ... what a day ... so happy to be back sitting comfortably behind my screen and keyboard. This is the day marked, "Day One" of my eldest son and me trying to get a handle on our bills. And, I even picked up around the house so he wouldn’t be shocked. That was good thinking. Don’t want him worrying needlessly.

He was the most wonderful assistance. He saw absolutely no reason to get upset or frown on us. I think though that we rocked nervously in our chair the entire time and sometimes we had difficulty breathing proper. And, he got us to go out and deposit a check ... mind you, we didn’t even stop and buy goodies from those tables they put right when you walk in the grocery store/bank!

He worked through a whole lot of envelopes from the mail. He said we’re actually doing pretty good, but we have to admit our friend had stepped back in the picture a week ago, because they were turning off stuff. There’s money in the bank ... just we get so terrified to be doing money stuff or even opening the mail box. Not sure why ... just know its been like this ever since we separated from my husband 14 years ago.

I think we’re just afraid there isn’t going to be enough money. I have a decent job, or at least put in enough extra hours that I’m being paid fairly for what’s paid by standards in this industry. Macadam figured today that $1,000 a month gets taken out for taxes and medical insurance. I didn’t know!

He said that although I get a lot of medical bills from the hospitalization and psychiatrist ... that even those are only worth a couple thousand. Big thing is we haven’t got credit cards. That’s saving us a lot. I don’t really do much for personal life extra besides what I do here on the computer. Plus, I will get a little extra money in a couple of months, so there really isn’t any complaints.

Sure would like to know how to make this whole thing easier on my nerves. I barely ever hear of people in Journalland worrying over money though. How is it you all are able to do this money stuff? How do we teach ourselves to relax?? Dr. M???

Picture - http://www.bztoons.com/toons/nothingtofear.html

YAHOO!!

Something of Sr. Tess

Not sure I can do the experience justice ... but, both Sr. Tess and us were in my office. We’d been working on recording a song. I have a very good set of speakers and she had found on the Internet the song the group will be singing at the Spring Fling. This is the Center’s annual dinner/dance fund raiser. The song is called, "Love Changes Everything."

We were both being very quiet so we wouldn't be recorded. The song plays for 3 min 10 seconds. I'd discovered ourselves to be looking at Sr. Tess and I'd become mesmerized with the peace and happiness I was seeing of her as she followed the tune. Then ... she shifted her attention just slightly, so she was also looking back at me.

Most often I have a lot of trouble with eye contact, but for this one instant, I maintained visual contact with her for about 10 seconds. I had the impression in my mind that we were being flooded by the most beautiful thoughts I'd never been able to express.  She was open, accepting and encouraging. Finally, the tension grew too much and I lowered my gaze.

Sr. Tess politely looked away also. But, then with curiosity and amazement, we repeated the same thing once more. I sensed her playfulness, just we were by now pretty fluttery. This second time was a four second confirmation; It was a peek.  Shoot, that was one of the most unique and important experiences of my year!

Couldn’t tell you why, though Abraham Maslow and Peak Experiences come to mind. Tears came to my eyes as they are now. The experience as a whole was about 45 minutes in that we recorded twice and in between those recordings I followed her to where the first group of clients were. They are our "main singers."

Dutifully, they had interrupted their previous task to form for Sr. Tess a choir (right in the workshop) with her leading ... all trust and happiness in their eyes and voices ... singing outspokenly their hearts. What a pleasure it is to take part of life ... part of Sr. Tess' life.  It's an intimate view of love!

Picture - http://www.art.com/asp/sp-asp/_/ui--A5815B4C37664ECDA09709C065969AEC/PD--10042456/sOrig--CAT/sOrigID--12125/An_Angel.htm

Freedom, Power, and Responsibility

I hear you Floralilia ... But, one more thing ... We’ve heard many of you suggest to avoid or look away. Yes, I agree that in most aspects of life, we can "let go." I’ve given twice now examples of things we’ve let go of.

But, now we are thinking of the "big things" in life, particularly freedom. 

People talk of freedom such as choosing which car we purchase, items shopped for, schools for our children attend, jobs that we decide to validate, or people we associate with. Life appears to offer a multitude of choices.

I want to focus though on the available quality of one’s choices. It is the aspect of choice making where one’s freedom is limited or narrowed as in a forced choice test. You know ... you want to choose E, but am only offered A through D? We’re thinking now much broader than just journaling ... all of life’s mediums.

Have you ever been in a situation where you found yourself presented unexpectedly with graphic sexuality? Like in a surprise pornographic site on the Internet, your daughter introducing you to her new found knowledge from her peer of how babies are made, or perhaps you saw this last year’s Super bowl game?

Some part of us could feel dismayed? Of course after the "surprise," you handle it, but left is a modicum of caution against "the next time," an impact. You perhaps feel some restraint from a preferred choice to have prevented this exposure? Did you feel overpowered, or maybe you were left to feel titillated? Seems like something from within was affected either way.

There is sometimes an onerous affect... because now you’ve feel put upon to be taking special care where before you did not need to be responsive.

A part of freedom is being frank, open and outspoken. Thinking now of Floralilia’s picture of the overweight sunbather with the thong. Maybe he thought with an open view toward his freedoms?

All of this leads me to wonder about "responsibility." This includes both sides, but in particular, having been put upon by someone else’s freedoms of choice. What happens when one persons rights interfere with another’s? Who sweeps up?  Are there standards that prevail to prevent abuse?  Who sets the limits or boundaries on expression?  What of the "power" of sexuality?  Are you sensitive to its affect?

Some Common Ground

We help people problem solve and put ideas into perspective (It is our job).  We often ask, "Is this a big thing, or a little thing?" If it is a big thing, then we talk about it and its affect on our life, if it is a little thing, we practice letting go.

I’ve made a commitment to another journalist not to return to her site. This includes discussing her "particular life issues." I can discuss how graphic sexuality affects our thoughts and feelings and I can listen to you.  Sexuality is a big thing to us because of the affect assertion of sexuality has had in our life.

Maybe it would be fair to start with a definition of "graphic sexuality." As mentioned before we remove ourselves from the graphic bombardment of Internet, television, radio, music, reading, etc., so we are pretty sheltered by what some of you might consider "graphic."

If someone is saying out loud, "I want sex or I’m being sexual and I am going to explain to you how I acted on this desire and which parts of my anatomy were involved," I would consider this graphic. Maybe you could offer your own definition?

I think that AOL journals offer a broad range of opportunity for individuals to express feelings, thoughts, and behavior. The use of the word freedom needs to be addressed in a separate entry (brevity of space). 

I don’t believe talking about "issues" in general to be offensive. Sexuality doesn’t have to be offensive, nor are the issues such as abortions, gays, drugs, etc. I’m also all for speaking of life. I certainly agree that some of life can get pretty graphic. 

I appreciate your trying to understand our point of view. I may not be able to convey all of it in one simple entry or another.  

The usage of the word "dirty," is too young and slang like for us. We’ll accept this definition of pornographic from Merrium-Webster, "the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement."

We celebrate the greatness of life often and are open to other points of view.  I think we all should be talking of sex, but that would be different than a belief we should all be acting it out.

Sexuality and Journals

   The popular opinion "out there" is that if you find something sexually offensive you should just not look at it.  Turn away.  The arguments offered are similar to "there is so much out there that is worse on the Internet and life in general, what harm is it if one more person is doing it?   

    As a sexual abuse survivor, we'd been taught how to "turn away."  During our early childhood, "turning away" was a means of survival.  Above all ... we were taught to "not tell."  This wouldn't be good for our sexual assailant.  Now, we wonder about our "Victim mentality." 

    We're trying to convey to our younger parts that if something is wrong they should tell an authority person.  In the situation of graphic sexuality found in the journal community, AOL is the proper authority.  And, because us as older parts are an authority over our personhood, we're now taking care of our own.

    Another popular opinion is that what one person does, doesn't affect anyone else.  And if someone is acting out sexually, it is only their business.  We believe that people in general affect one another.  This is the nature of social caring.  Our world changes as our illusions of an idealistic journal community have been spent.  The line drawn, perhaps in sand.  The dominance of sexual force prevail?

    We know that sex in an adult relationship with a consenting adult is acceptable.  But, we do not want to watch it.  When it is made public, no consents are asked.  Personally, we don't want to know who is doing what to whom and how that all happens.  We've learned to not go out often to see movies, we don't watch tv or radio.  We took a job where it wasn't likely we'd be over-exposed and rarely will we be found in public unchaperoned.  

    One person cannot be directly responsible for the bad affect sexuality sometimes has against us.  We are responsible.  But, things feel just a little more difficult and less safe.  The walls feel as if they are closing in.   We ask, How much are we expected to withdraw?  Do we maintain our right to protest?  What do we tell our younger parts about freedom?  What will you tell your little girl?

I am resigning my position in the two journal groups and award panel

That's all. 

The World as it Seems to Be

Morning, morning ... We’d ask how all you are doing, but we just peeked! Seems like there is a "wanna-be-fit-and-trim" thing starting up here in J-land. We’re still at the stage of internalizing the rumor that 2 for $3 Whoppers maybe not so great a deal...

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I had the work place to myself. I took some time clearing off my desk from the work of the night before on the Technology Report. Then we took a couple of hours to finish work on the Client Files project of "goals and objectives." Not so bad...

The rest of the day we concentrated on just one individual. I love to see the progress over a year’s time. This particular individual was one of the higher functioning people of the group. He had in reality lost one job over the year and gained another, so with that came the ebbing and flowing of his self esteem.

In the process, he became someone’s "house-husband." It’s a new term we’ve come up with when one of our "passive males" gets hit on by one of the more aggressive females.  Heheh it’s a process that happens all the time amongst the individuals we work with. It's very similar to courting rituals of all living species. I should be like doing a sociological study of this phenomena.

"Yes, and here we have an unsuspecting male foraging for dear and antelope and football games!" He does not know that the female of the species lays in wait for her "available sweetie!" "Ah, there is one!" claims she. 

The young lady primes her gentleman friend so that he feels on a cloud of thin air. She builds his ego, then after he is comfortable and starting to settle into the role of King, she brings out the big clubs and begins the process of knocking him into the "shape," she so designates. It’s not always a pretty site!

But, a young male in his prime can withstand this debolicking (my dictionary doesn’t offer suggestions for this word either). Basically, the task is learning to say, "No!" to pretty and sometimes gifted females of the species while claiming a right to breathe. He has to format this negative response to pleas, tears, anger, and intellectual debate. Ahh, what a flurryish world we live!

Picture - http://www.culture.gouv.fr/culture/arcnat/lascaux/en/

On the Move

Ahh, another morning befalls us. *Sigh* We’ve been up for a while and took a walk around the J-block. With some there is reason for concern, but most seem to be busy and on the move.

I think that most of our time "sitting" in any one spot was in oogling over Flora’s vacation pictures. WoW! What a trip!  Hmm, was that a thong the heavy set man was wearing? What was that of the nudist beach?? My oh my!

Things here aren’t quite as exciting ... just the steady outpouring of work. We’ve been managing a section of CARf that has to do with technology. We discovered a place on the Internet that collects all the vital information about your computers so that they may be inventoried properly.

Pretty cool. We ran 20 computers through the program. That can be time consuming. There are 8 computers too old to be checked and there are 2 laptops out in the field at this time. We’ll get them though!

Just need to be working faster. This morning now, we’re supposed to go back to the client files and the Qnotes. So much to do, so little time. Yesterday there was a staff meeting and the day before another intake meeting. Not sure if we’ll ever "catch up," but maybe that is a false expectation?

Hmm, there was another Dr. M. Meeting in there too. It’s pretty cloudy ... I know Annemarie was there again and Casey, pretty sure Gracie was there and maybe Kate and Anniemi. Really hard to tell. It’ll be ok, it’ll be ok ...

Picture - http://www.freefoto.co.uk/preview.jsp?id=04-26-23

Was Just over at Vince's ... So, Still Thinking

I'm thinking, "What was God thinking?" ... Just today it's spose to get up to 68 F, rain and blow wind on us, then by tonight drop 36 degrees and we get snowed on?  I don't find this reasonable.  Where do I protest?  Like even ... what kind of coat am I supposed to wear today?  And, by Tuesday were in the 20's??  That's like a loss of 48 degrees in 5 days?  And then tomorrow night he is going to mix it up and give us both?  What's on his mind??  Is He like confused over the seasons?  Not that we're complaining ...

God we still think your tops, but maybe something here for the more simple-minded?  I know ... Bill's complex ... how bout we send some of this over to him in Las Vegas!  Now there is a guy who could appreciate your sense of humor and diversity!!

Chicago Seven-Day Forecast

Friday: Windy...showers and thundershowers during the morning, then cloudy this afternoon. Morning high of 68F with temps falling sharply to near 50F. Winds SW at 25 to 35 mph. Chance of rain 50%.

Friday night: Cloudy skies with a few snow showers after midnight. Low 32F. Winds WNW at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of snow 30%.

Saturday: Cloudy skies early, then partly cloudy in the afternoon. High 43F. Winds W at 10 to 20 mph.

Saturday night: A mix of light rain and snow after midnight. Low 33F. Winds SW at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of precip 30%. 

Sunday (24 hours): Mix of rain and snow showers. Highs in the mid 40s and lows in the mid 30s. 

Monday (24 hours): Occasional snow showers. Highs in the low 40s and lows in the upper 20s. 

Tuesday (24 hours): Overcast. Highs in the upper 30s and lows in the upper 20s.

Wednesday (24 hours): Mix of sun and clouds. Highs in the low 40s and lows in the low 30s. 

Thursday (24 hours): Plenty of sun. Highs in the low 50s and lows in the upper 30s.

All in a Day

Hmm, this morning is kind of a sleepy morning. Probably good. Yesterday had only about four hours sleep. I think I’d caught that Vivian thing that keeps you wanting to float in J-land all through the night.

Yesterday there was plenty to keep up busy. We are back to CARF this week. We’re supposed to be working on the balance of the Client files on the remaining Saturdays before the next inspection. *Sigh*

At the end of our day, we spent an hour trouble shooting our friend's computer with him. His laptop had gone down and was sent to California. Then his files had to be reinstalled, but he couldn’t find his major documents. We finally found them hiding in an obscure space. But, it was tense. He despairingly kept repeating, "They're gone!" Hard to be optimistic when those around you aren’t.

This morning we’re going to have an Administration meeting. *Sigh* We’d been clued in earlier that he was going to be looking at our worse file, so I fixed that one first. Tough, tough stuff.

Both Sr. Tess and him are above my position and they each have different expectations of what I am to be doing. But, alas ... Sr. T is the big boss. We need to follow her directive. We think the friend is right ... but, we're not fighting the powers that be. 

I want to thank Jeanne, Slo, and Floralilia for stopping by yesterday and for their prayers. The DSP and I had a chance to talk over and plan our best means of supporting this individual when she returns. It will be a situation where we’ll try best to follow her lead.

As far as Vince goes and the trouble caused by SOMEONE mussing Floralilia’s rooms while she was on vacation ... we’ve just got this to say ... There might be fingerprints that SEEM like ours, but I’m pretty sure that there is no proof WHICH of our parts MIGHT have created the messes!

Maybe Dr. M. can help out with this seemingly noticeable lack of responsibility. 

Picture - http://www.gallasmarketing.com/28273.jpg

Happiness and Grief

Man oh man ... were we surprised this morning. It takes us a while to go through our regular journal visits and we we’re kinda tired by the time we opened Vince’s, but WoW did it jump out and grab us! That’s all I’m going to say about that ... if you haven’t already, go peek!

I wanted to make another notation of something on a somber note of sadness.

Yesterday, we went to the wake of one of our client’s father. It was an unexpected heart attack. They left at 2 am this morning to bury him next to his mother in Mexico. Our client was very close to her father, but only has a mental age of five. She was happy to see Sr. Tess and I at the funeral parlor and wanted us right away to "go see." She kept repeating the doctor shot him with a needle and now he was cold. She repeated many times, "see, he’s cold ... touch him, he’s cold."

The family apparently told her that he was sleeping. I am figuring that when it comes time the real understanding, if ever these things can be understood, is going to be very harsh and overwhelming to her. The mother is also very fragile. They'd been married for 43 years and he took care of all the families important matters. Please keep this individual and her family in your prayers. God be with them and with yours.

Muddied Waters

This will be my last post on groups and leadership for a bit, but I wanted to clarify and expound on a few things.

I appreciate that you all heard me out. At the beginning, although I had wanted to let go of the responsibility to a few of you, I was assisted in clarifying roles a little more clearly. I’m happy with the thoughts that evolved. I agree 100% with Free’s post in the previous entry. It is important for the leaders AND it is important for the group members to accept responsibility.

I believe though that we look to leadership for cues. In this situation, each were responding slightly differently. My responses have been toward how I thought and felt things were going and from my own ability. Most often I find our role is a supporter, especially of the leadership. Not much different than how you’ve all listened patiently to my role with Sr. Tess.

This doesn’t mean that I’m any less independent, responsible or able. We all have roles.

What developed in our minds had not much to do with the original stimulus past the fact that it had challenged our cognisance. It encouraged me to think more about the processes that existed that turns out are all well and good.  But maybe I'll not take them for granted as I had been. In the process, it got me to read through most of a book that offered direction toward my thoughts unfulfilled.

Our tendencies are to intellectualize. I think you were right here Muse. I hope I will be forgiven for this. We have greater needs than many to understand life and how she works. In the past this ability saved us from being crushed.

I have learned how to trust more, but always in degress. I look to see how all around are responding. In our mind it is like ... ok, she is here, he is there ... they are all following ... what does this mean ... what direction are we all then going. Is this where I want/need to be?

Maybe nothing is more important here than for me (or others for themselves) the assurance of a sense of safety. I want to know that the group will continue to be ... that things will be ok.

Sorry if I’ve muddled anyone’s waters ... this is just part of who we are.  We'll try to step down our guard now.

Leadership (part 2 of 2) Read Next Entry First :)

In the back of our brain and at this point of AOL journal history, we’ve been figuring that the leaders of the AOL journal group are people who are able to achieve high number of comments.  We figure this means that the people receiving (an arbitrary) number of 20 comments or greater on average appear to be the community members looked to for leadership or at least as important role models. 

We’re still trying to clarify in our own minds if popularity equates leader ability.  Certainly these folks are respected for their thoughts, writing ability or responsiveness.  We’ve heard out there the theory that popularity is equivalent to the amount of visiting or connecting to others that one does.  This might be a strong leadership tenet (to be out there and be seen), but we believe you need to search deeper for the reasons people return to any one given site. 

Do these people hold insights to the world that are more important or of higher value?  Surely, the modesty of most would keep them from acknowledging they have more greatness than others.  *Giggling* of course there are those others who’ve declared themselves Kings, Queens or princesses. Those folks require special homages be paid.  (Teasing Gregg)

I would think, paying attention to the contingency model of effective leadership, that anyone placed in the position of a journal or community leader is generally positive.  This is a remarkable factor in J-land, particularly after a need is identified in the community.

The degree of task structure accomplished appears fairly structured.  Each member contributes new entries, to greater or lesser degrees these entries are commented upon, and to greater or lesser degrees people return visits to folks that have been so kind as to drop by, like the proverbial friendly neighbor who stops in to borrow sugar, but stays a moment for coffee and to chat.  

Several took lead parts in the last “crises.”  And, it was only considered that due to a norm of low friction here at J-land.  Flickers were quenched before flames could spread, particularly out of consideration for members who might otherwise have been hurt or angered.  This embodied neigborhood strength of character.

Generally speaking, looks like things are moving along swimingly! 

Leadership

Yesterday, I read Feldman's book on social psychology. He listed four theories on leadership. 

The great person theory is “the notion that certain people are born to lead others.”  He says that these people typically are slightly more intelligent, extroverted and dominant, slightly better adjusted, more confident, and have higher needs for power.

Next is of transformational leaders.  These folks “spur their followers into behavior that surpasses their own personal interests.” They motivate, have charisma and produce trust and respect, they are inspiring and intellectually stimulating, and concerned in the welfare of others.

Next is the situational approach to leadership.  This is “the notion that people become leaders due to the characteristics of the situation in which they find themselves.”  Here it is the recognition that “the greater the ability of a person to communicate with others in a group or organization, the more likely that person is to become the leader of the gorup.

The last approach to leadership is an interactional approach to leadership.  The specific model that is best received in the community is the contingency model. 

The model suggests three situational aspects of effective leadership.  Leader-member relationships range between positive or negative.  The degree of task structure attempting to be accomplished is toward clear and unambiguous (highly structured), or vague and ambiguous (low structured).  The last characteristic is the power the leader holds over the group members.  In regard to rewards (and punishments), the leader is thought either to be strong or weak.

Feldman mentions leader personality, but he says what is more important is the leader's style of motivating.  The leader is leans either toward accomplishing tasks or maintaining positive group relationships.  To measure the leader’s style one looks at the least preferred member (LPM) of the group (most difficult to work with).  If a leader looks at that member harshly they are considered low LPM leaders.  If a leader looks at that member in a positive light they are high LPM leaders.

(Continued)