Saturday, June 25, 2005

Ok V. ... We made the 25,000 limit ... no big deal - 2 parts

 

Good morning.  Just me.  It is a beautiful morning although promising to be another hot one.  The air is running fine.  We were up earlier, but decided to go back to bed for a while.  We were drifty from having stayed up too late the night before.  No reason, really.  Maybe just a little too tired and restless to go to sleep.  I had a hard time shutting things down.

This morning is going to be on the busy side.  We have some house chores to do.  We have started already and will go back to it before too long.  We lost our balance over the last couple of days.  Nothing too bad.  But, now days a couple of plates or cups on the computer table is major.  But, alas worked for a few minutes need to relax the back again. 

Today, is a very big day for us.  Our youngest son Jacob is coming for a sleep-over.  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  This is a very long time in coming ... at least over one year since he’s been here, and I’m thinking in literal terms, he’s never slept over the whole night.  As one might guess, we’re a little nervous.  We want him to be happy here.  I think it would be a good place to relax after being with his Dad or brothers for a while.  J
acob didn’t drive the last time he was here, so I am going to pick him up at his dad’s place at 2:30 this afternoon.  I just can’t wait! 

In other news, this wasn’t a great week to do work at work.  I got a few things done and made all my meetings except one to finish an ICAP (survey).  That’s pretty good, not perfect.  I think I took an off-stance this week, because Sr. And I weren’t in agreement about the client and parent surveys.  I might have written about that before so I won’t go into it again.  The bottom line was that they seem to be now in again, but I will need to do the best job possible to make them good reports.  Plus, there is going to be a rush job Monday.  Sr. Decided that nothing is more important than getting out the new group schedules.  That is going to be pretty labor intensive for me.  Lots of brain work. 

I didn’t progress as well as I should of on a separate report over how well the DSPs did on developing evenly their program areas.  I was taken up with other ideals.  For some reason or another, I felt it imperative to do a little reading.  I just read in about 50 pages of a book on psychology and mental retardation.  It was probably an example of me being side-tracked.  I was in a fuzzy mode most the week.  It did give me the confidence at the time of thinking I was very much on the right track and abilities toward ideals of my future.

Past that, Yesterday I found myself sidetracked into the purchasing mode again.  I had gotten a Horchow on-line catalog.  Oh this store is enough to make the angels cry.  They send out this on-line teaser each week, and this time it had highlighted wall coverings.  This is the store I had bought my wonderful coffee table.  There was one major wall in our bedroom that had been unaccounted for.  Previously, I had only a medium to small picture in the fireplace area of my fire place mantel behind my bed.  The mantel took up all my headboard decorating needs.  It reached floor to about seven foot and the slightly past the width of my bed.  Last year, when we got the new bigger bed, the old bed and mantel was designated to the guest bedroom.  And, it left me with nothing for the center wall above the bed in the master bedroom.  This is the wall that gives an entire character to the room.  I had to restrain costs at the time and had gotten a rather simple headboard that looks like a simple cast iron footbridge.  As I had figured at the time, the pillows would cover the best of that. 

If you had been following along at all with the Flylady, you might now, that the bedroom is supposed to be one of the nicest rooms in the house.  It is like an inner sanctum of comfort and should never be waylaid with anything that doesn’t give pleasure or feelings of love.   I had a good start, even including the walking machine which I still want to learn to use faithfully.  But, there was still that missing hole.  Yesterday, you may of noted that I fell in love with a tapestry for that wall. 

Needless, to say this whole ideal of upgrading my whole home to imply it is mine has gone on for this last year and has proven not to be cost efficient.  In fact, we are into obsessed with no real excuse as often as I have tried to rationalize.  Though given this fact, I know that as soon as the extra money comes in from the student loan within a couple ofweeks, I will be at my computer ordering the tapestry.  I know this about myself.  Hopefully, the balance of the money will go into the cars brakes and taking care of the car air conditioner.  I don’t feel guilt about it not going directly to school, because I had taken money from the estate to pay off the school-related computer expense.  So, it balances out. 

I tried to figure out ... am I to the point, I can consider this whole home improvement spree over.  This is the analysis of where we are at with our project.  It is an inventory of almost everything we’ve come to accumulate in our life.

Living room: New - moss couch, bookshelves, green mint recliner, Large rose/moss floppy crysanthinum drapes, fancy round coffee table, computer, tv, table, chairs, pictures, books, old - antique roll-top files, antique treadle machine, wooden scrolled mirror, step stool for Abbe, books

Balcony/Hall: New - stone bistro set, vacuum set, Christmas tree ;) - oh, and camera and tape recorder if friend would bring back. Then we could take some pictures

Bedroom, New - bed, mint/moss greens/rose quilt, soft down blanket, linen, pillows, sham, exercise walker, old - two antique dressors and mirror, antique teacart, mint Green/rose floral curtains, clothes, stored items in closet

Kitchen: New - dishwasher, window hardware, clock, picture frames, appliances, Old - wicker shelves, oak table and chairs, white lace curtains, calendar wall hangings

Bathroom: New - peach floral/black shower curtain/liner, old - towel rack, carpeted step stool for Abbe

Backbedroom: New - white desk/dresser from Lee, window hardware, white rose quilt/pillows, old - fireplace mantel, bed, enfolding desk, white lace curtains, stored items in closet

That’s pretty much it.  I'm going to ignore all thoughts after all these years without of thinking we're just materialistic.  But, I've asked my friend to get for my birthday a digital scale and I've asked Macadam for some kind of scratching post for the kitties, so I can take the sheets off the back of my couch.  Reminds me that after I get that camera back, I should do a household inventory and look for insurance on my apartment.  I think it would cost per year under a couple of hundred dollars.  And, at this point would be well worth the expense.  The Flylady says that anything that isn’t loved in your home is clutter.  I really don’t have too much of that at this point.  Although, I still have to go through the closets to relieve myself of some of those artifacts. 

I know I must be on the right track, because when I pause to look away from my computer screen, I find my eyes falling on one item and another and at the same time, feeling the deepest sense of satisfaction in what has transpired over the last year.  It is like when I am editing my written work.  I keep going over and over the material, until I can read through the whole thing without making changes.  I look at each room and wall and do the same.  I more often than not, find myself drifting into a sense of peace with what I see and sense it to be a self-reflection of who I am or aspire to in life.  We’ve still a need to work on our sense of perfection in regard to charity on the bank account.

There was one more series of thoughts I’d like to include here for the moment.  Yesterday, two things happened.  First, I found myself into a set of conversations with myself in regard to my new physical and inner surroundings, and secondly.  Three separate times while driving, I became aware that I was driving yet had no idea where I was.  Make a note now to watch that!  Anyway as too the thoughts ... I had gone back to thinking of the day my ex-brother-in-law had brought over the tread mill and added to that the thoughts of Jacob coming over. 

Somehow this train of thought carried me back in time to a comparison of the point I had been most high on the social class scale.  My minds went back to the thought of first having “owned” an 18-room Victorian house.  I say that tongue in cheek, in that the mortgage was held in both my ex’s name and mine.  According to married scales, that meant I just happened to be listed on what was valued as HIS property.  While in the married mode though I had been proud of the life-long accomplishment.  We’d met a group of people through enrollment of the younger two in co-op preschool and kindergarten.  This gave me the opportunity to become involved in a grass roots concept of education and at the same time, placed me with other families that regarded highly education.  It was a good social circle for me to have found.  There were four of us who lived in the same three block radius, so we found ourselves car pooling the kids.  Beside my friend who earned his doctorate while exchanging pleasantries over neighborhood watches with the kids in my previous house, these ladies became very important to me and I found myself in the midst of being often a volunteer.  We all focused on the education of our children and I was proud that as were some of the other sons (everybody had boys), that my kids were in the gifted range as them.  Pretty exciting all told.

During that time, I felt as an adult with high aspirations.  I was married, had a beautiful house, though in constant need of attention, some nice furnishings, my wonderful kids, and a sense of purpose.  That last year, I wrote a 500 page book.  I was down on weight and felt very good about myself.  I felt I belonged in life and had purpose.

But, then it was as if being too happy, was too much for my marriage.  Without the neediness I’d known in years before, I became more and more independent from my husband.  He fell in love with another woman and I’d discovered that other things not so nice were happening in my life, and that not only had I severe depression, I had multiple personalities.  This was the final point of losing one’s marriage.  Too, too much for the ex. *sigh* Too, too much for us.

Although, I went on to another life which included living in a homeless shelter after being forced to give up the boys and life, I have considered up until now, every year of my life as lesser to that which I had lived that last year in the community and circumstances of back then.  For many years I lived barely on SSI payments and after the homeless shelter I found myself feeling very alone in government housing.  But, you see this whole last year, and especially yesterday while driving, I realized that I had not only met where I had been that last glorious year of marriage, I’d far surpassed it!  I am exactly dead center with where I want to be in life!

I don’t own a house, but then again, I am not up to being able to care for a house or condominiums upkeep.  And, on the other hand, I absolutely love my apartment and neighborhood.  I like sitting on the balcony and watching kids play in the sprinkler’s and old men talking to each other while sitting on their steps.  I feel like I’m in a community, even though I knowabsolutely no one here.  It feels safe.  With the assistance of my on-line community ... I gain more than is lossed. 

As far as psychological balance, I am far more advanced than I’d ever hoped to be.  I love my independence and as to actual surroundings, as I’ve been indicating I was never ever as happy “back then” as I am now.  It means something different to have made all the choices than to have been forced to agree with spouse, given hand-me-downs from ex-mother-in-law, or collected from garage sales.  Everything I own now, is due to my own choices. 

I have pressed financial common sense, but I have chosen to purchase at levels that are top of my limits.  I knew of high standards from having lived with and around wealthy-in-laws.  I learned a sense of taste from my mother-in-law.  That was a good thing.  I mixed this with my own values of what was important and comfortable to me.  True, I don’t have income or space for a grand piano, but then again, I really don’t know how to play it :) Everything, I do have though, is something that is totally me!  Can’t say much more than this.  Given all this and graduate learning, I have surpassed the feelings I had had about my life back in the days of yesterday.  There is not a word big enough to express my satisfacton.

However, Yesterday I pushed all kinds of new limits that I hadn’t done before financially.  At least, since the days when I was having credit card problems.  I had realistic expenses, in that, my ex took me through five years of custody battles in court with his expenses being paid by his attorney father.  I was going through the need to put everything including grocery items and all else on my credit cards.  There was one luxury expense.  II’d ordered the very expensive set of books from encyclopedia Britannica, including my great books collection and annals of America.  I went into bankruptcy well over $20,000 in debt.  

At the time, the books felt to be one of the most critical decisions in my life.  And, even to this day, I have thought often of that purchase, but if given the circumstance over again, I would have made the same decision.  The collection is one of the most important to me of most everything I own, because it represents the things or ideals that are most important to me.  It has given me a great sense of satisfaction that I have the plethora of all things wise and wonderful at the touch of my hand.  I say this, even though the fact that after I purchased it, I’d just learned of the wealth of information available to me on the Internet.  The books represented to me an “ownership” of theideas most respected in my life.  In that the quest for knowledge and understanding far surpasses any other need I have.  I’m learning now that the aesthetics of my life are now ranking almost as high, but not quite.  The best of financial acceptance is that ... All money for expenditures has come directly from my bank account.  I still don’t allow myself actual credit cards.  Like when I’d worn one year contacts without taking them out.  The eye doctor was so frustrated at me for lack of responsibility that I assured him, I would never purchase them again.  I haven’t.  Maybe it would be easier to blame it on having multiple parts, but as a whole, we’re not a responsible enough person.  At least, not yet.  Perhaps more lessons on professionalism of being a psychology practitioner, might help.  AND, being forthright in these kinds of conversations with the good doctor.

Like all other decisions financially I face, the decision to go back to school is inclusive in this range of thoughts.  It is the same thrill and sense of satisfaction I hold with the knowledge of the world at my fingertips.  There is no doubt this is another financial quagmire.  I can’t kid myself into thinking that this school loan is not real.  BUT, like all else, it seems irrelevant that I will be paying costs of this quest, most likely into my retirement.  In the back of my mind, I will be paying them until I pass from this world into the next.  Thing is?  It doesn’t bother me, maybe like it should.  I feel as if I am missing some kind of necessary gene.  In the whole quest of meaning and quality of life, this feeling of discovery and challenge is worthy of my life’s mission.  I value learning this much.  Maybe, the reason most important to my educational interest in psychology with a specialization in education.

The last assignment made in the Masters’ work journal reflects some of these thoughts, in light of making future decisions and choosing which kind of field decisions go into my future planning.  One of the comments I received from a peer, was the acknowledgment that as many options as I have laid open to me, there is yet the possibility, that I may choose to do something way different.  I accept that.  I’m not exactly sure what career goal will open to me by the time I graduate.  Life has too many chance encounters to give any one greatconfidence in the direction choices will allow.  It’s kind of cool actually.  It gives me an open-door feeling that I’m progressing steadfastly to my future, with only the assurance, that my education is leading me toward the things that interest me most.

Cool, Huh?

Ok, ok ... breath here.  I’ve gone non-stop for a while with little pause in thought or fingertip motion.  Let me reread over where my minds are at.   
 

(continued, next entry)

Continued Part two of two

 

Hmm, good clean break.  Talked on-line to a friend for a few moments and found ourselves ready to start dinner on time.  We are going to have the steak filets too, but they are very small.  So, I decided on serving a full dinner of pork tenderloins and vegetables.  I love to make this combination of veggies.  I start with the slo-cooker and its little grill.  Add the meat and quartered potatoes then season.  Next, goes the round sliced onions, baby carrots, celery and lastly alternating rings of red and green peppers.  A half hour before it is finished I will add the whole little mushrooms.  It is going to be great come some six hours later and should make me look like a pro!

Hehehe ... He did say he would like to eat healthy after mentioning I got required chips.  He said, “That’s not all your going to serve me, is it?”  Good boy.  By now he is starting off his karate tests, or warmin-up.  Third level brown belt, YAYYY.  Hehe yesterday I went to the web site he is creating for his Sensai.  There are pictures of 8 and 12 year olds breaking boards.  Heaven knows what levels that many up are capable of.  I would have gone, but the ex had already decided he and his wife would go.  Nothing short of a wedding would put me in the same space as them.  Give me nightmares!

Ok, moving on ... just another peek at the master schedule?  I’ve been trying to limit my writing to just the morning.  We’re already at 14 pages and we’ve got 45 minutes to noon.  Eh, just a little more of something!  Better set my timer for something.  I’ve been picking up as I go, so beside vacuuming, wiping down tops of things, and sorting mail, we’re about done.  Maybe what we’ll do is set the timer for those last 45, then ... wait, hold on?  Vacuumin before noon shower?  Oh dear ... this is going to create a writing quagmire!  Ok, how about ... we do the other things in 20 minutes, vacuuming about 12 and shower at 12:30?  That gives hair hour and a half to dry, so we can tie it up while driving to Jacobs with the windows down.  YAYYY, we got a plan ... set the timer.  This might seem like a womanly detail, but everything needs planning, cuz, This is our happy Jacob day!

There is one problem to him being over ... We both have terrible computer consumption needs.  Jacob doesn’t watch toomuch TV either.  Though, instead of being a writer/student, he’s a Games/Student.  Ahh, he makes me feel so proud!  Studying psychology too?  Did we boast that direction already??  Ok, just thought we’d slip it in there.  I think unconsciously, we’ve tried to overwhelm our fingers, so that by this afternoon/evening we will be ready to give them a break.  Rules of the house is that you do whatever most pleases the guest.  Even with the son that comes over more often, I still consider he and the other boys guests.  After so many years rarely in touch, I swear to God, if I ever, will I never take them for granite!

There are two things I look forward to doing with Jacob.  The first thing is finding out that he likes at least some of those vegetables, we have got cooking.  Maybe, I should be embarrassed as a mother not to know what her child will or will not eat.  BUT, Jacob hasn’t lived with me for eight years now.  That would have made him 13 when he went to live with his father.  Man, how long ago that was, although the years living with him still fill my mind with happiness as if they were yesterday.  Needless to say, after eight years his eating habits have changed.  Every year since the boys have left, I have eaten with them, but nearly 95% of the time, I didn’t cook.  Because, I’ve never figured out how to manage food after the boys left, and because they weren’t interested in coming to where and the circumstances I live, it has always been that we eat out.  The only thing the boys remember me cooking after all those years being married was a specialty of Swedish meatballs.  I remember doing something while married with a wok and I have a general sense of knowing I cooked throughout marriage, because I can recall $400 grocery shopping trips.  I am guessing this has something to do with dissociation Identity disorder.  It’s just been recently through the help of my friend and V, that I’ve felt encouraged even to have meat in the house.  Pretty goofy of me, I guess.  So, all that said ... tonight is bigger than most in my life for several reasons. 

The first also relates to eating and talking.  I believe the boys are more like me, except Mcadam, because he’s married, but I’ve adapted most of my meals, except with friend to being ate in front of the computer.  I’m fairlycertain Tanner and jacob are the same, and if Lee were out, Macadam most likely eats in front of a sports show on TV.  That was a good majority my fault.  When we were married, we ate at the dining room table, but afterward, the next five years, most of the boys and my dinners were not at the table.  The last three years, I can recall coming home from work (on the better days at dinner time).  I would make something in the small kitchen in the house we owned at the time, and I would serve out four plates, pour the milk, and call the boys to come get their dinner.  They were either on the computer, or the game systems down stairs in the family room.  The next thing I remember is the movies, unless their was a show, like the Simpson’s on that they wanted to watch.  They had hornswaggled me into believing that every kid in america needed to watch the Simpson’s about that time of day. 

If it was after that, they would have a movie that they wanted to see.  Those days, we were at Blockbuster often.  Just like choosing TV shows, the boys were also adamant about their movies.  I could drive them to the video store and look at the pretty boxes, but most often I didn’t choose.  It was the same thing with their father when we were married.  The boys knew without a doubt, that I was incapable of choosing movies.  They would say things like, “Awe Mom, don’t get goofy here!”  They were very protective of me and what I could view.  They censored out the movies with too much blood, gore, or vile language.  We all ate with our plates in hand.  After dinner the room would be darkened and there would be a three-way combination battle over who got to sit next to Mom after I’d finished my after dinner smoke.  The room was set up for the four of us.  I had a couch with two feet recliners and a recliner chair so everyone could put their feet up.  Along with pajamas for me, I would have in hand my stuffed dog.  We couldn’t sit down without him.  If and when I fell asleep watching, one of the boys would drag me up and push me toward the bedroom.  I loved falling asleep with them in my midst, but I was told I am a horrible snorer. *Sigh*

One of the things you may have noticed by now, is that beside the fact I paid for everything through work with the exception of $600 monthly for child support, and making dinner, I really wasn’t the adult in my household, unlessit was called for specifically.  I could be asked as an adult for a sleep over or to order pizza.  Rightor wrong ... it was the side-effect of having been a multiple that much further back in time.  There were many long nights, including necessary over-time at work, and the psychiatry appointments, where the boys were left to making their own dinner and putting themselves to sleep.  I will never get over the guilt of having put so much responsibility on them.  But, they did in fact learn to be very responsible for themselves.

On some of the nights, the boys came down to work to meet me.  This was a big deal.  Our town was about a half hour outside Chicago Union Station.  The boys 13, 14, & 16 would walk the 2 ½ blocks to the station, board themselves (I had given them pre-passes), and then in Chicago, would walk the two blocks to my work.  After things settled down, we would go back to Union station to pick up McDonald’s.  The boys had a lot to do at work, because I worked as a production coordinator for a big disabled peoples workshop.  It was my responsibility to run the floor.  By the time the boys had gotten there, there were no clients, just 8-12 little jobs on the floor that they could do, or on the other half the floor, they would play tag over the seven foot tall bundles of items on skids.  I also taught them how to run the two lifts, so supervised they could drive/take rides from me around the shop.  It was very exciting for them.  I had no car at the time, but the train was convenient I can still remember their excitement coming home late at night.  They were such quick walkers and would hold my hand so I didn’t get confused crossing streets.   It was a grand time though ... I just couldn't love the boys enough.

I very rarely talk, nor do the boys ask much questions about their childhood, although each come in and look at the hallway where I have about a hundred pictures of them growing up.  They ask, is this one me or my brother?  Very little time over the last how many years, do we have conversations about myself.  I believe each of the boys know the basics.  Mom lives by herself, works with people with mental retardation in Chicago and has a mean boss.  She has a couple friends and she’s a multiple and she’s got “stuff wrong physically.”  That’s about it.  9/10's and ½ of the conversation revolves around them.  I am like a sponge absorbing anything they can rememberor think of that might be important for meto know about their lives.  With each it’s a little different, but the one factor thatis the same, I ask each about the other two.  So, I have a pretty good perspective to know how my family most often relates without me.  A good majority of the stories I hear relate and revolve around my ex and his family.  But, now there is more with the boys school, work, friends, games, etc. 

I am pretty sure we share an odd existence.  The older two I can contact and see on-line most of the time.  So, they are only an IM or email away.  (We still don’t have a home phone or cell).  The middle son is more distant.  He’s also on the computer, but its to be known I don’t have access to his on-line being, nor would I ask the other two brothers for it.  In an emergency, I have tanner’s cell phone.  I use it sparingly, because it gets him all confused.  The brothers keep us both in touch.  Just seems to be how it is for the time being.  I miss Tanner terribly.  

The sharing of the computer should be a good thing, because the second thing I look forward to is watching Jacob deftly utilize whatever I have electronic to be playing his game/explaining his game to me at the same time.  It’s as exciting as watching a surfer ride the waves, but you are within interviewing distance.  We’ll save other conversations for dinner time and maybe after dinner smoothies out on the balcony, if he will allow.  His mind is so incredibly fast, he needs the computer so as to think fluidly.  I really think that’s the case with the boys.  They trip out on it.  With all this enthusiasm, placed into one life aspect, I can only be too happy that none of the boys played around with drinking, drugs, or smoking.  They are addicted though to the computer like me. 

Hopefully, he will remember to bring the paperwork, for his school loan application.  I figure we can knock that out in no time.  We have our financial papers ready.  He’s using my income, because obviously I’ve the lesser of his parents moneywise.  I am not fearing the difficulties, because I’ve gotten through the 2004-2005 and 2005-2006 financial aid papers for my own school.  YAYYYY!  Smart Mom!  This is the first year Jacob has had to doa school loan because the prior three years he had support from Tanner, or my father's estate.  I think the ex and his wealthy parents contribute a couple thousand.  Damned if I could ever meet a set of people less responsible for education!

Well, I’ve crossed the 20 page self-limitgiven to myself and it’s about a quarter past 12.  This last trip down memorylane was unexpected, but seems to have calmed me somewhat.  Just a couple hours now.  We’ll skip the vacuumin and head toward the shower.  Pretty soon, Jacob’s coming!!!!!!!  I've a long time in coming to the making of a new home.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Catchin the Spirit

Good morning, so how goes life? Yep, yep ... we’re in the thick of it! You’ve got me today in a mood that is a little abstract. I woke up tired around 5 am, was up for about an hour and went back to bed and slept for three more hours. I still have to complete an assignment, so I shouldn’t be writing all day, but can’t do a Saturday morning without the wish to go free-lance. This morning is hosted by Celine Dion. Hehe haven’t played her on jukebox yet and we have 128 songs ahead of us. Ahh, the coffee is hot and the morning stretches out ahead.

First thing is first ... we had a real nice evening last night. I picked up my friend about 20 minutes away (6:30 pm) and dropped him off at train station about 11 pm. In between, we had a real nice evening ... Italian too! He showed me where he is going fishing. He is leaving next Thursday for a week. That will be nice for him, but not so nice for me. I get to missing him when he is gone.

He’s going back to Canada ... His camp is Saskatchewan just on the border by what used to be called the Northwest Territories, or something like that. This is a picture of the kind of fish he will be catching ... pretty big, Hmm? Eh, it’s a guy thing ... give me a 5-star hotel any day! But, I am happy for him. I know this is really cool stuff that he loves to do. Yayyyy fishes!

We didn’t go into work yesterday. Called in sick. We were dealing with something that had happened the day before.

We were on the way to work and some guy tried to pick us up. We were driving down the boulevard by work and he pulled up to us at a stop light ... he drove his car next to us talking while we were moving and continued for three stop lights, until we pulled off suddenly to the left before the gas station. He couldn't turn so fast. The lights kept stopping us and we felt trapped. He said bad stuff to us ... mostly bedroom stuff. Dr. M. says that we can say to him stop, but we didn't know how to do that. He also said we could roll up our window, but we didn't think of that either. He made us cry.

We got pretty depressed. I think we are better today just kind of stuff that makes throbbing headaches. We had a session with dr. M. the day it happened so that was good. We’re still not remembering what all that was like, but I think it was hard. We had trouble leaving his space. Pretty sure there were younger parts. There was something about being in the corner with our hands covering our face. I’m not sure if that was about the bad driver, or our grandfather. But, that’s about all we can recall. Don’t really want to know more.

Hmm, Chief is up to visit again ... he got some real nice petting. I think he’s a little put-off by this not getting pouched food. Think next time, I am going to get three 12-packs to make sure we make the entire month. We have only one left. It looks like the money has cleared the bank, so maybe today we should be ordering some groceries. Stranger things have happened. Just that it takes some time and seems difficult.

Hmm, just a little more petting. He’s head butting me! Silly cat!! Wow ... we had another real long pet. Chief has a way of pushing himself into my chest by laying down in front of me. Then he forms a tight little circle tucking his head into my left fore arm while I’m required to do the petting/holding. Lasted about three songs. Very peaceful and relaxing. :) I think he is ready to take a nap now.

Ok, took a couple Advil, found a slimfast snack, another cup of coffee, and my ice water. Also picked up the living room and opened the curtains. We can do this.

So, what’s next? Hmm, still doing work. It’s still hard for us to go in, but we had a couple of productive days. Sr. Tess finally formally suggested that we should write the annual Report. She waited ‘til after a week into June and was prompted by us asking her the question, "Do you need our help?" She handed it all over to us, but of course, she is the one to make all the final choices. We organize and proofread. We also do the delegating. I’m trying to get through this year it will be a 20 page report. I am leaving the design aspects primarily on the secretary. She’s pretty good with that type of stuff and I’ve found in the past it is very time consuming. I don’t think she is as good, but she puts her heart into it and that maybe more important than anything else. It gives her a source of pride in her work and furthers her expertise.

Sr. And us are a little up in the air about whether we should include the individuals’ and parents’ surveys. I say "yes, she says "maybe not." I think this is the only format to really get out the word on what people are thinking of the service. I think it is very honest. She might be thinking that she doesn’twant people to know maybe what is being said? It usually runs pretty high in positive, but there is always one or two dissenters. *sigh*

I’ve written already the couple page program part, one on CARF, one on outings, one on building and safety, one on the self-esteem survey, and one on decision-making. I think there is one more, let me think. Can’t remember now ... there is one more... Sister has already approved them. In a streak of terribly good luck, she said, "Great" on the first, "Excellent" on the second, and "Wow" on the third. Hehe not to get too carried away, she put question marks on the fourth. Pretty darn neat though.

The secretary will do the cover pages and the table of content type things ... there is one more she can do ... She can put together the thanks page to people on boards. Matter of listing them out. I also farmed out the pictures thing. Sister and the secretary take a couple of days to do it. I don’t have that kind of patience. I say a couple hours max. So, I give that to them. Makes everyone happy. Sister has already completed her letter to the people and we’ll have to wait for the financial statements before we can conclude it. All in all going pretty good.

I had the Thinking Group on Thursday, before taking that day off. That turned out to be pretty good. We did some poetry. As it would turn out ... they were into Romance poetry. Seems we’re caught up in all the who loves who things. Pretty fun-loving group. Lots of love triangles though ... Pshwoo.

What else ... hmm, still not too much on the boys. Maybe Jacob will stay over next weekend and maybe I’ll talk to Macadam if he signs on today. About time we get the bills caught up. I think this is the week they take the ultra-sound test. I hope so. Think it’s a while yet before we find out girl or boy. Maybe soon. I’m out of touch with modern day medicine. *Sigh*

hmm, little tummy problem now. Eh, this too will pass. Patience ... patience ...

I was just reminded by another Journalists’ post that it is father’s day tomorrow. I am going to just let that one ride elsewhere. We’re just over two years since my father’s passing. We were getting over some pretty bad grieving just the time we started this journal. Still at the stages of holding the bad memories. Let it go, let it go.

Yesterday, My friend saw a couple of checks from Christmas sitting on a shelf from my mother and grandmother. He said and here you being so poor ... but, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to cash them. They’re probably too old now anyway. I don’t want to be apart of anyone’s family but my own. I’m pretty sure of that too. Ok, that was warm and personal ... yeeks!

Next.

Hmm, it seems besides a few pictures of the boys, there’s nothing I want from our past. Little scary though with Dr. M. Seems we’re going through that stuff. Maybe that’s why I am so against it now. Just seems its all bad, bad, bad. Hmpf!

Ok, Next ... Let’s try a quantum leap!

School. Ok, we’ll do that. Seems it’s going pretty good. We still need to put in mega-work this weekend. I have an assignment due today, and we need to be putting time into the final project. I think the only thing that is competing with it is my laziness today and wanting to get vacuuming done. Don’t have anything else on agenda. Hmm, except maybe ordering curtain rods and ordering groceries. *sigh* there is always something.

Hmm, nobody is probably going to like this given our finances, but we ordered our curtain rods for the back kitchen and bedroom. It’s just that I’m so close to finishing the house, I can taste it. I want to complete the work. I started this home improvement project last year Mid-June ... it has taken a while, but I am very proud of the accomplishments made. I have felt soooo good about coming home, especially when I ‘ve been able to keep her clean. I still look at the items purchased and swoon at how wonderful they have made me feel.

This is a long time coming from the days when everything was handmedown from the in-laws or purchased at a rummage sale. I do have my father to thank for this. That and some good work on our part. This feels like MY home!!! We’ve spared little to put it together. Yesterday, while we weren’t feeling so good, we chose the corner of our couch, and holding stuffed dog and cat, we played a period movie found on "On-demand." We let all of our worries and concerns fall back and we drifted through a couple of hours. It made me feel safe. Not as safe as I am behind the computer, but that too is a part of the newness of our life. That and school. Just being enchanted to pieces!

Ha ... new coffee pot too!!!

Shoot, how can I sit in any one moment and soak-up enough of what we have managed? Hmm, Vacuum? LOL - that’s new too! One more smoke then we’ll start. Celine is singing, "My heart will go on." I haven’t heard that song for quite a while. It’s been one of my favorites. It’s coming up to one of those perfect moments. Still, even hear the birds ... balcony door is wide open. Kitties are peacefully napping. Everything feels good. Would kind oflike to look around and see what we’ve done. Shoot, maybe we’ll even learn to dust! Wouldn’t that be something!

I think after we get the curtains and pictures up, we’ll have to manage to get some pictures taken. Camera has disappeared though. Lent it out to our friend and he can’t seem to find it. *sigh* Maybe it will show up one day. But, since then ... He bought a camera I think. Maybe he’ll let us use that one. Owe someone special a couple pictures of someone’s kitties too! Hmm, that’s a nice thought. Ok, ok vacuumin!

Woo Hoo!! One room done in one sweep! Pretty good, maybe next bathroom, hallway and first bedroom. Emptied out the dirt holder thing too. Pretty sure there is a whole cat worth of hair collected from Mr. & ms. Kitty! Pshwoo...

Need to do litter box and empty garbages too. My friend took downstairs the last of the boxes placed in back of kitchen holding area ... today, might be the day I do something with those computer boxes sitting in the front hall. Hmm, let’s make that a for-sure thing! Make us AND the neighbor feel better. Coming-along here, coming-along nicely.

Maybe after vacuum the whole place, I should be lookin into doing some school work. We weren’t in a place yesterday, to do much beside just look at it. We started to do reading, but didn’t get much further. I’m sure though after we start, we’ll feel better about it. It’s about plagiarism this week. Nothing not to exciting. The point is ... don’t do it! Hehehe I know, I know ... might learn something to make that all better. Gots to do what you gots to do.

Thinkin that we’re avoiding something obvious. Not sure what that is. Maybe the work being done with our Dr. M. That’s still on my mind. I wish we could come to some clarity. It’s like a nagging tooth. Can’t see clearly, what we can’t think of. Maybe that’s a safety.

I think on Monday morning anniemi, corey, and even Kate were out. Mostly corey though. I think she is feeling bad about not being able to feel things proper. It is like we can know that something bad happened, but we’re not able to process it at a feeling level.

Though, we are still responding to it in negative feelings toward ourselves. I think this has improved considerably since school started, and even before that. We have the feeling that we’re still carrying a burden that we can’t get over. Can’t even get a grasp on the entirety of it. Like holding a globe In one’s hand. Or, like mentioned earlier ... even sensing the whole apartment as if holding it in one grand thought. We just get glimpses of things. Maybe this is because each of us are holding our own parts of it and no body is then seeing the whole of how "We" in general perceive our living space.

We keep trying though. Pretty sure that is important. There got litter box and garbages. I guess next we’ll get another round of vacuumin done. Moving along ...

Now, that nagging problem of not reaching the depth of something we want to be handlin. Especially, given a Saturday. I see it’s just checked into the afternoon. It’s ok ... not going to panic. The depression stuff makes us tired. Maybe that is it ... how do we better take care of ourselves? Suppose, we could achieve something by getting the grocery shopping done? Hmm, that’s a chore. Maybe though we can still get it delivered tomorrow .. That will be something. Let’s take a look.

Pswhoo. That’s done! Spent enough to last a month. Good deal. I only did a so-so job with meat this month. Seemed to be more focus on smoothies and I got some pop, chips, dip and cookies for hopefully, when Jacob sleeps over next weekend. Can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to that .. It’ll be heavenly to have him here for that long a time. He hasn’t been over since before we started decorating last year. We’ve got now a great couch, cable, a big computer, dinner and snacks! I think he’ll like the place. I sure do hope so! We’ve got to commit to not opening those entemann’s cookies though ... listen up girls ... they are going home with Jacob!!!

Woo Hoo, Friend coming over again!!! Not until 6 or 7 though. But, we will take it!!! He’s thinking CHINESE. YAYYYYYYYYY! We’ve missed our Chinese for two weeks in a row!! Good thing we’re vacuumin ... got the bath, hall 1rst bedroom done. Now just kitchen and 2nd bedroom. We’re going to make it. Maybe he can tell me how to make filet mignons. Kind of went over-board for Jacobs visit ... we want him to be treated nice and then maybe he’ll come back. Pretty sure, until he gets a girl no one can treat him as well as his own mother! Like to be spoilin him to pieces!

Hmm, wonder why we haven’t got a receipt back from groceries yet. Sure hope card went through ... bank says the monies has been put to account. *sigh* Just be patient, right?

Well, I guess we’re not going into too much depth with this entry. Probably should get started on that homework, if we’re to expect a visitor :) Hmm,maybe I could swiffer too? That be great! Sure glad I did the garbages now. Shoot, we’re turning into a domestic worry-wart! Took my medicine, right? Yes, yes ... did that, been there! What is going on with our mind??

Did I mention friend was happy to see the place looking so good. He made sure to preface it so as not to insult me. But, this is the guy who’s done countless dishes for us trying to help us catch up. Sure, sure was nice! Hmm, looked for squirt bottle ... they didn’t have anything I want some kind of mister for the living room coffee table. They say just use water. I suppose water on paper towel is still the way to go. Let’s try one more round of vacuumin. HA! Done! Feeling kinda warm. Sure wish I had that slushy drink! MMM...

Woo Hoo! Just had a great idea. I’ve had in storage a really nice shower curtain that I’d bought previous. And somewhere along the line, we had gotten a new liner. Lordy, for 12 minutes of time have we waited five years to put this up?!?? I’ve always hated the plastic see through one there. Hmm, just coming out of a dense cloud! The one I’d purchased is a beautiful and loved cloth soft peach-colored light floral with black trim and holders. Shoot sometimes, we’re so gosh darn silly! I wonder what else is in that bedroom closet? This curtain was the only one I’ve ever purchased and it was originally for the Victorian house on Douglas back 15 years ago, but it is still in mint condition. Wow! Just something! Ok, ok ... I know ... only a shower curtain. *sigh*

I’m taking over this house! YAHOOOO!!!!

Lookin around ... what else? Hmm, is it against some household rule to dust after one has vacuumed? Whoops almost forgot was side-tracked by shower curtain when only really going in for wet paper towel. BRB

Ahh, that was easy. Did table & dusted bookshelves. WoW! First time I’ve done that since ... well, quite a while. It wasn’t too hard either. I wonder if I would do this if I didn’t think Jacob was coming. *Sigh* s’pose I’ll never know. Feels good, although, my body’s feeling tired and achy. GREAT FEELING actually!! I’m being encouraged by my friend who says, he actually enjoys getting out to the games and sweating a little bit. Least there is our nifty shower to be getting into! Hmm, still might turn on the AC. Hold on. Having fond memories of being outside doin things like washing car, trimming shrubs, lawn mowing and raking. Them were the days ... I could move for hours at a time before sitting on the steps to have some ice water. Wow!

Ahh, that ought to do the trick. Shoot, I’m really, really avoiding my homework. I better think seriously about it now. Guess we’ll see you later? Sorry, we weren’t so profound today ... relaxing though! Feelin Good!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Saturday Morning Buzz - Fairly Saturday Long

Good morning. Late morning. It’s already 8:30 am. Lot’s of day has sauntered past. Hmm? It was one of those things where someone snuck back into bed after feeding kitties. Yayy for Saturdays!

We’ve been up now for a while with company listening to coldplay. We listened to his entire new album several times, but this last time played it while reading the words. Pretty damn good! Seems kind of sad though. It’s like most of it he’s thinking that if his love just tried they could meet up again. That’s a pretty loose translation, but pretty much how we’ll file it. I enjoyed listening to the music ... I don’t usually stop to slow down to "hear it." Can’t imagine how much I’m really missing by coming to it cold from outta nowhere. *sigh*

Let it pass...

So, need to use my time well to get the most out of "free" space. I’m right where I want to be. Playfully thinking/writing. Not to many cares. Well there are a few, but don’t feel so heavy at the time so appreciating the break. That may change moments from now you never know.

It took awhile to get over where we were from having had the therapy session. What finally broke our mood was first doing the lunch duty thing, then being up front. Sr. Needed to eat and the other Q and secretary were gone. So, we relaxed and poked around while up on Sr.’s computer. She was having a "be nice to ann Day" so we we’re feeling pretty relaxed. After she got back we went out for a smoke, then back to the office. Looked at the clock and thought ... shoot it’s 12:45 pm someone ought to plan for her 1:00 thinking group!

What came to mind most concretely was that the folks up front had been into a cleaning mode. Sr. Had them take apart the workshop and two offices. Everybody’s stuff was out in the hall. So, I decided to have a "cleaning" meeting. I looked up the flylady and pulled out her 11 commandments. Then we went through them. It was a great session. I was a little worried, because Sr. Had changed the tables in the multi-purpose room. So everyone was spread out differently, but they handled that and stayed fairly focused.

There weren’t any behavior problems ... just had to break up a couple of private conversations. I don’t mind a few words to friends, but I like them to keep up and operate as a group. Often what happens are there are micro-groups. It’s best when individuals from the smaller groups speaks out ... then, they are usually picked up by their group and others and things gel.

I was hoping to impress a different kind of logic to doing housework. More from the standpoint of having fun with your living space, rather than doing chores for mom. I think we met with some success. The following is what was discussed.

FlyLady's Eleven Commandments

Keep your sink clean and shiny.

 

2. Get dressed every morning, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t forget your lace-up shoes.

3. Do your morning and before bedtime routine everyday.

4. Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer (TV).

5. Pick up after yourself. If you get it out, put it away.

6. Don’t try to do two projects at once. ONE JOB AT A TIME.

7. Don’t pull out more than you can put back in one hour.

8. Do something for yourself everyday, maybe every morning and night.

9. Work as fast as you can to get the job done. This will give you more time to play later.

10. Smile even when you don’t feel like it. It is contagious. Make your mind up to be happy and you will be.

11. Don’t forget to laugh everyday. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.

Pretty neat! I was given an extra surprise. I hadn’t known that right outside the door Sr. Had sat down to listen as she was waiting for the cars to start picking people up. Wow! And, she looked relaxed no complaints. I’m sure that she was satisfied with a meeting concerned with cleaning ... even though Flylady approaches it different. It would have very much fit in sister’s keeping things in a positive light this week. YAYYY.

So, that was that. Most of the morning went by not being able to concentrate on what we should have been thinking. You knew that part.

Let’s see ... what else ... Friend is out fishing. Hunting bass! Umm, or whatever... Hope that all works out. We reminded him to stay in the boat, but he thought maybe with these kind of hot temps, it better that he fall in. Yeeks! With the fishes???

That’s all I got to say about that one!

What else. Hmm, nothing on the kids. And, you heard about Dr. M.

Hmm, anything more on work? Hmm, we had a real good staff meeting (well as much as I can tell). We finished up with some work with the DSPs on the new goal data sheets. I thinktheypretty much have it down. We started off the meeting with a sheet we had found listing four steps to learning. First is like the Ignorant step (where all is bliss). You aren’t aware of what you don’t know. Then there is the step where you don’t know it all and am aware of that! Then the next step you know more, but can’t veer too much from it straight up. Then the last step where you have incorporated the new knowledge and its like regular life. Pretty cool!

We were using it to emphasize ... please don’t tell me how impossible everything is when you are on that second step and everything is still out in front of you, OR don’t tell me you are not smart enough, then blame me for being a monster who is trying to embarrass you. Well, we said it much nicer than that, but we wanted to get a point across. It’s a process. As in ... please before complaining to the sister, give me a little space to move here! I think it’s called latitude!

Not so much got done this week. Not sure why. I did a little on the phone, not much. There was the dishwasher day ... that was tough. Did I tell you? They came to the house, but didn’t have two people - didn’t have documentation for white glove service. So, talked on the driver’s phone to company, then they emailed me ... pretty much were going to blow me off ... "we’ll umm work on it, maybe tomorrow." YEEKS! UH UH TODAY! So, I asked my friend WITH PHONE AND COMMAND to take care of it. Sure enough with calls all the way to washington DC, he got the message through and machine was delivered that same night ... no second day off from our work! The next day same friend came by with pipe wrench, fixed the faucet, and Wallah! Clean dishes!!!!

That was the coolest!

Now, today, I have to make space on shelves for extra dishes so I can finish unloading second load. This was the extra stuff from the new handy-dandy Bullet mixer. They hadn’t found a home yet. Awe.

This week due to the couple of deliveries and tiredness from messy home ... we had cleaned things up and we don’t want to lose this edge we have found. I don’t think we plan to go outside the home this weekend, so maybe concentrate on keeping it in great shape. Sure is nice to live in it this way. Oh, and we’re remembering to open the drapes. That’s good for us too. Reminds us that it is day out there ... i.e. something more than us and the computer. Eh, it’s an optimal career!

Ahh, just followed through on that! We’ve got light!Hehehe... we’ve got insulated drapes, when they’re doing their thing ... it’s really dark in here!

Hmm, already a couple of things out of place. Hold on 5-minute room rescue!

Ahh just a few things. Whoops ... coffee! Very good!

So, what’s next?? I still have a few things to do for school. I need to make a comment and read a couple of chapters of the APA manual. Hmm, maybe I better make that comment right away before I forget it’s due today. Hold on ...

Ahh, some time has past, but that task is complete! Always makes me feel good to add comments to the course room. The people that are taking this course with me are absolutely great! Everyone is like honed into what they are doing and has great aspirations. An excellent beginning. There is something very positive in having our work read by the others and having been given the assignment of commenting to others. It is all very encouraging. It’s much like commenting to others’ journal posts. But, the comments are generally a little longer. There is more back and forth.

I can hardly wait until each new time going back to the room, to see what else someone may have written. Sometimes, the posts are to something I have written and I get the feeling of having made a real connection ... a shared thought or direction. It’s really really cool. I am just enthralled with this form of education. It is perfect!

Hmm, Ok what’s next? Just thinking we’re already 60% done with first Master’s course. I’m really doing this! And, no less top of the class! Yahoo! Each post, I’m more sure that psychology specializing in education IS the way to go. I run over and over again in my head what learning means to me. This last post ... (see over here in Master’s Work) ... well, it seems to be more than anything else what has balanced my life within the "poverty" of well ... being wrapped up in whatever went on to assist us in forming self as a multiple. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very, very appreciative that my mind created a means of living through hell of childhood. But, there had to be something else to support us ... and learning was this something. It IS a very stabilizing factor.

I have always had the talent of finding others who could support the curiosities my minds have sought. If not for one part, another would be given opportunity to develop. Someone of us is always learning. Sometimes, there has been fantasticteachers for those of us most forward in our worldly front and those parts have created new options for the parts of us with the most impoverished background. It’s one of the most amazing things.

What I am feeling now is gratitude ... and certainly it is times like now, I feel in relationship to God. In the last graduate post, I wrote of having always maintained some sense of hope. I’m not sure how that happens. I had one psychologist in my life talked about people having an inner core that is hidden and protected even past ourselves. It is that which we nourish in our progressions. It absorbs life giving growth factors. Maybe only from a smile from a passerby standing at a bus stop, or a flower blossomed in one’s path. Whatever it is ... life has a way of working out toward the best, if we allow it. I feel very strongly about this.

Cool, cool ... Just got a short IM from a co-worker we’re developing a great relationship with. It’s still a novel thing to think of work people in a two-way conversation on a weekend. Great, great!! As soon as we stabilize our finances, I want to invite a few people over. That be wonderful! Oh ... and one more thing. I want to get rods and get the lace curtains up in the kitchen and back bedroom. That’s an important one that is taking forever. Maybe I could convince Macadam to one day get rods for me. My friend has been hopeless as far as going to hardware store. I need just some inexpensive rods ... maybe too little to order from online. Hmm. Maybe though that is what I’ll have to do. I’ve seen nice delivery offers lately from Target. That should be sufficient? Let’s see ... hold on.

Ok, ok ... we can do that ... maybe next check. Will cost $80 for two sets of a simple bronze design and would include two sets of the hold-backs. Nothing in comparison of what I paid for living room set. They have a set that stretches from 60"-108". That will work out ... my windows are 72" and 80". Cool, cool. We’re moving right along here!

There IS one more thing. I have to put up some pictures in my bedroom. Hmm, it seems as if we’re going to need a handy dandy fix-it person. It’ll take a couple of weeks to pull that together. Hmm, might take a lot of super-duper back rubbing, but allowing fishing trips with not a cent of guilt is very good for that kind of thing :). AHH womanly tricks! YAYYYY fish!

Ok, things are going along swimmingly! Hehehe. HA that’s a real word!

Be pretty neat to have it done bythe time Jacob comes over. Think that’s a couple of weeks away too. Wouldn’t thatbe great!!!! Ok, can’t push this too hard ... we better check on friends mood. Still need money for groceries. Got to put it all together!

Lesson #1 ... got to keep up with housework. Hmm, couple of things to hang in bedroom closet and then those shelves. Problem there is there is a couple of broken pictures that I don’t know how to process. Nice frames. Pictures of the boys, but glass is broken. What do regular people do with that? V?? Hmm, that’s right V will know! Maybe in the meantime I could put them in one of the empty back bedroom dresser drawers. Yah ... that’s a good hiding place.

Hmm, there is another problem. We have a clutter of books on the computer table. Dear friend mentioned maybe needing to throw away some of the old books on one of the six tall book shelves. He tried not to chuckle when my jaw fell to floor. Throw out a book??? Man ... that sure didn’t go over well. What AM I going to do there? He’s right ... looks cluttered where the rest of the house isn’t.

Seems like I have a few options. I could "throw" something away. Put a row of books on the back bedroom’s closet bookshelves, or start adding rows of books on the top of the shelve casing. Hmm... The least hurtful to me seems to be putting books on top of case. Might not look top drawer, but I am at a "horrid" levels as to missing just one of my precious books. It thrills me each time I give them a moment of attention. AND, if I did that ... I would have established a means of 36" x 6 = 27 more feet of book space! Yahoo ... that’s what’s going to happen! YAYYY! Decision. Need to get that done today too!

Ok, what else is holding us back? Nothing really just checked shelve in kitchen ... Pretty dusty and there are a few decorative cans. Nothing real special. We’re up to that fairly frozen to screen thing. Hmm, maybe better set the timer. Ok, 10:30 now ... let’s say 11 am. It will give us time to adjust. Last time I stood up, we got real dizzy and had to sit down. BUT, we can do this! Ok, timer is set.

ok, We’re going to handle this! We are going to sleep with PERFECT home today. YAYYYYYY! And, what would be better yet, is if we could make ourselves move around a little during the day time. Maybe go sit over on the couch for a little while ... Hmm, maybe we could even read those couple of chapters of the APA manual over there? Better get the water filled up on the nexttrip up too. That always is good for the day.

what else?

Hmm, Iknow ... we need to start the BIG assignment ... the final project. I remember reading something that if we had something down by the 8th week that the prof will look over up to three pages. Tomorrow starts week 7. Ok, is that doable? Better look ahead to see how tough week 7 is going to be. Hold on.

Ok, did that ... actually, I read all the assignments through to the end of the semester. It seems that the paper is a separate experience other than regular hand in twice a week assignments, although writing the assignments are part of developing the final paper ... Think that I need to think of this. Maybe what would be most advantageous is to complete the assignments ahead of time, if they are necessary to build the writing? Not sure. I think this next week’s assignment is to do a lot of reading on how to put together a paper. My goal then is to read all that today along with APA assignment. Then do the first assignment by the end of Sunday. Would be really, really neat if I could also put together an outline of the paper tomorrow, or even start today as I am reviewing how to do it. That would give me the feeling of progressing in a timely fashion. It seems the last week, week 10, we are to hand in the normal two assignments AND Final paper. That’s a lot of work, that could be avoided ... especially starting THIS WEEK!!!!

I had forgotten about the interview. My guy had not responded back when I’d asked to confirm a date or gain his phone number. So, yesterday night, I sent out another request. I hope he comes through. Otherwise, I will need to look for a back-up. I’d wanted to be speaking to someone in psychology-Ed, but I might have to resort to my aces in the hole. Hehehe either V or Dr. M. At least ... they’re in psychology! AND, I know they could each give me an hour of time. Hmm, sure wish V was not mega-states away enough for a back rub ... that usually works best! *giggle* Pretty sure by now that’s what happened to my initial interview inductee. NO BACK RUB! Men! Can’t live with them, Can’t live without them!

Hey, I just thought of something!  Dr. M IS in education ... in a way!!  He is the director for psychiatry interns!  Yep, top guy!  (hehehe - It gives him really nice office too - three walls of windows WooHoo!!)  That puts him in charge of a whole education program!  Shoot, now I hope that the other guy doesn't writeback!  Let me review those questions ... would they work for Dr. M?

Hmm, would definitely have to think through the questions again.  I would somehow have to convert the educational side ... with the other guy we were heavily leaning on gaining information on precision teaching.  With Dr. M. we would lean much more on educating in the field of psychology, not sure if that would be ciphoning out the psychiatry part.  Hmm, have to think here ... obviously, I don't need tips on how to be a psychiatrist ... leaning toward teaching or more so directing role.  Hmm, that would be a good holding marker.  Could focus on directing in the psychology field.  Sort of like being responsible for others, forming a program, and other business management type tips as well as the fact that everybody is most likely analyzing everybody else hehehe!  Ok, that'll work for now ... at least guide me through the panick stage of not having someone to interview!

Hmm, glancing at the clock. I have about six minutes left, best I get going then. Have some work to be doing! What final thoughts can I think? Hmm, there is enough orange juice to get me through at least today on those whatever drinks ... like slushies. I forget now the formal title. That’ll have to do. Can’t afford more orange juice.

Oh, we could mention that part of our week. We’re at a financial overload situation. We are in the hole on both checking accounts. Paycheck is due on Wednesday, ability to use it not ‘til Friday or Saturday. We have 11 packs of smokes. Should get us through. We have 1/4 tank of gas, but only $7.00 toward that to get us through rest of the week. AND, we got one more $5 left for parking at Dr. M’s on Monday. We might need an emergency $20 from friend. $5 for Dr. M parking on Thurs, and $15 more for gas. That’s not too bad? Hmm, better hope that friend catches BIG fish! AHA! That’s the way to go :)

Hey, I know!  We can offer up a trade!  Just checked freezer and there's a huges sirloin round tip or something.  We could offer to cook dinner again this week instead of him taking us out for dinner and margaritas!  That's surely worth an even $20??  Wow!  We sure have on our good womanly thinkers today.  :)  It's like us to figure that he's getting a real good deal! 

It's kinda funny when I think about it too.  This friend and I don't write these kind of things down, but there ISa checkand balance sheet.  And, speaking of ... we're still at a standstill for those grants.  Hmm.  It is in his court at the time, but I'm behind a whole-get-car-out-of- fix-it- garage-expense of $500 I owe him.  Better give him a reminder ... Only so long I can take advantage of he's got too much to do to do anything... Need to be fair in love and war ... less anyone be getting grumpy or put-out!  I think this is a definite lesson all young people should know!

Wow, just thought how handy psychology is!  Hmm, with these kind of warfare tactics ... it sure makes me wonder how things evened out at son's house enough to get me Grandchild #3.  Eh, too much thinking ... let's let it go to things mothers and mothers-in-law shouldn't know about closed doors!

Ok, we’re set ... time to progress! Thanks for being here! You are well loved!

Oh, one more thing as a note.  We've been playing the six album options we have for coldplay and those who go with that on his mixed albums.  Been Great listening!  YAY V!

Well one more thing though.  I just finished editing this entry.  It might seem odd to people that we analyze most of our moves before literally moving.  There are a couple of reasons for that.  One, we are in general very analytical people, two is that with our back, we can't waste footsteps, and three ... Damn ... isn't it noticible?  We're a writer!  HEHE  LOVE IT!!!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Just cuz...

Dr. M and Friend

Exerpt...

 

Friend [6:42 A.M] yeah,   been busy, how are you doin
Aynetal3 [6:43 A.M]:  umm pretty good ... a little down another hard session with Dr. M 
Friend [6:43 A.M.]:  well they are probably hard to get the info out. 
Aynetal3 [6:44 A.M]:  Seems like there is a new focus on grandfather stuff.  Annemarie is showing pictures to Casey who then gets upset, then we all feel bad
Friend [6:44 A.M.]:  real pictures
Aynetal3 [6:46 A.M.]:  she is seeing stuff that grandfather is doing, but time disorientation.  Dr. M. spending time trying to convince little parts that it isn’t happening real in the present.  Casey and him called the police and had him arrested after she couldn't be convince he wasn't going to hurt her
Friend [6:46 A.M.]:  I see,   maybe you need to add some adult supervision of the situation.
Aynetal3 [6:46 A.M.]:  He said, that he couldn't hurt her and when she couldn't tell him (too big) then Dr. M said he would because Dr. M. said so
Friend [6:47 A.M.]:  but I defer to the Dr
Aynetal3 [6:47 A.M.]:  corey was out at the very end, and jaime came out to drive home.  Casey had started the session feeling pretty bad about not getting chinese and having to eat cauliflower, so we got her a smoothie as a reward
Friend [6:48 A.M.]:  a very handsome reward
Aynetal3 [6:48 A.M.]:  yep pineapple and orange juice :)
Friend [6:48 A.M.]:  I go for that.
Aynetal3 [6:48 A.M.]:  Ahh
Friend [6:49 A.M.]:  well you stay cool, and try to think logical.  That is why I thought adult supervision
Friend [6:49 A.M.]:  you get your homework done
Aynetal3 [6:50 A.M.]:  We're getting a's in psychology, studying specifically critical thinking ... very logical!
Aynetal3 [6:50 A.M.]:  yes dear

 

Now, we are at work.  We are still feeling down … trying not to get scared by things.  Feel tired and sad even though we slept extra time this morning.  We can see pictures too, but they are quick and elusive.  We get the gist of things.  Just want to say a few things and clear our minds somewhat.  First thought that comes to mind.  Incest is wrong.  Sexual abuse is wrong.  Hurting small children is wrong.  There is no possible excuse for this kind of behavior.  It really messes people up. 

 

I feel fortunate in that having “parts” has been a blessing in our life.  I cannot imagine life any other way.  However, what happened to create the dissociation was very, very wrong.  I do not know how to get over the guilt, fear, sense of hopelessness and anger for what we see the younger parts going through.  I feel as if we are letting these feelings in just a tiny bit and have no comprehension of their enormity on our life.  I know they need time and especially with Dr. M. and we need to accept their truths as our own.  I cannot take away what has happened.  I can empathetically help in taking care of ourselves in the present.  This is going to take some time in sorting out. 

 

Thank you for allowing me to say this much.  I am sorry for the elusiveness.  We are committed.  However, we will try hard not to let one part of our life overcome the others.  If we are going to do this … we are going to need balance.

 

Ok, ok … that feels better.  Someone came in the office for something, so while our concentration had been shifted, we made it out to all the rooms to say, “Good morning.”  It is somewhat hard to be sad around our groups.  There are many happy folks.

 

Maybe what needs to happen with the other is to accept we are going to need time where it is ok to feel bad, but maybe not at work … we should at least try hard?

 

Monday, June 6, 2005

Must be a Monday morning (shorter :)

Good morning ... :) we promise not to write at such great lengths this morning. We need to slow down and gather ourselves for the day. I really don’t like moving around in hot weather. Thank goodness both home and work are Air conditioned. Just wish I could say the same for car. :( Eh, but it IS a Dr. M. Day that helps a whole lot.

Not much happening yesterday, but what was happening was pretty big. My son and ex-brother-in-law, and nephew came over with the big tread mill. Whoo! She’s a beaut ... going to work out just fine. We had a hard time getting the place back in visiting order and we missed the kitchen floor :( and dishes. Well they WERE stacked nicely and we were for sure NOT going to wash them with a dishwasher within days of arriving. No matter WHO was coming over!

Toward the last half hour of cleaning ... we were not able to move for any more than 2-3 minutes without sitting down. Way, way too much stress on the body ... it was about a four-hour ordeal. Went to bed and got up very sore and with a slight head ache. But, its ok, because the machine is in and heheh we’ll one of is running! AND! As a bonus the place looks much better!

The machine ended up in our bedroom. As much as I think that my recliner doesn’t match the couch ... it’s pretty darn comfortable, especially when needing to run the air. And, it can’t be beat for before bed TV watching! The guys said that I should have put the Mill in front of the tv it would have made for better watching, but trust me ... I’ll sit more often then walk through TV watching. Nice try though!

It was very nice seeing my ex-bIL. I always liked this one. I had three! He seemed to mean it when he said the place looked Great! From what my son said, although his place is big and all that It’s rather a mess. He says his uncle is a big collector and there is stuff all over! To explain his office Macadam just cringed and shook his head. Hehehe ... It didn’t take them more than a few minutes to get it past the "L" in the hallway. They had to stand her up on end though. And the space in the bedroom is just perfect. I tried to get past that these guys were all in my bedroom, and while fixing the safety devise, my BIL was sitting on the edge of my bed ... that’s a little unnerving. We kept smiling though!

I couldn’t get over how strikingly good looking he had become. He’s 2-3 years younger than me and has had to face cancer. He’s much thinner than he was even when he was in high school when I first knew him. But, shoot. Extremely good lookin! He has also maintained his very good humor, sensitivity and intelligence. Sure do miss them guys ... I would have loved to know them at this age of my life. But, I’ll have to make do with stories I hear from the kids. That all was a different chapter from my book on life.

When he turned to say good bye, I can’t tell what my faced was saying, but he said something like "ohhh," and reached to give me a hug. That really was a very nice thing to do. The visit was short, but about as much as I could handle.

Macadam stayed afterward to talk. He had a lot to say. It is official, I am to have my third grandchild! They were trying not to spread around the news because they are still afraid of losing it, because she miscarried once before. He said they will be much happier after this next two weeks is over. I think by then also, they will get an ultra-sound. Hehehe I’m not sure if I mentioned, but he had a term for the Garvey Broadcast machine. Jacob, Tanner and three cousins are hooked up to a microphone system where they can all talk freely while they play their game. It is the prime family grapevine! HEHE. Poor Macadam, I know he is the one who wanted to tell everyone in their time, but say it’s just not so! This is pretty big news!

AND, there is even more. He announced that if everything works out with this delivery, they are thinking of having a third baby right after the second! YaHOOOO!! Life will never be the same. I know he has very strong feelings of his family growing up together like he has with the others. I sure hope he gets his son though, cuz that could prevent too many tries!

There was not so good news on behalf of his condo selling. The day before closing, he had met the new owner at the place. She walked in and decided this was not the place she had intended to buy. It’s hard to tell what exactly she was thinking, but everything had been drawn up, lawyers in place. They waited at the closing on Wednesday, but she didn’t show up. I guess this is supposed to be kind of unusual that a person would confuse the house she wanted to buy?

Anyway, Macadam’s lawyer said that it wouldn’t be worth the cost to take them to court, but then my ex-bIL advised macadam of the families resources in Lawyers. His grandfather was one of the original nameholding founders of a very big company ... well, not sure how big, but there were 70 lawyers under him. Chris said this was the type of thing they handed over to younger lawyers to test their teeth.

So, we’ll see how it goes. Macadam says they’ll only go for earnest money, the cost of payments all this while waiting for closing, the payments made waiting to close on her again, and a couple thousand for grief. Figured that was pretty fair. Nutty woman ... what kind of game is this that she doesn’t even know the house she’s buying??

Anyway ... that is that. MacAdam helped sort out mail while he was here that was nice too. I had a real hard time tolerating it this time. Just too frustrated by money. I thought we’d had a handle on it and its looking like I was off again. *Sigh* We try. Going to need finding out what happened to the school money. There just sent out a pesky email. School’s fault it had been held up a month, they should be more concerned with making amends...

I’d like that money just to pay for front end breaks and car air conditioner, the rest to go to account to get her ahead again. Computer, dishwasher, and computer program paid for with my dad’s money. I don’t think car expenses over $300, maybe I should have thought of doing that before the computer program. Shoot. Pretty tough driving in 87-90 degree heat :(

Ahh for another day ... now its time to scadoodle. Hope you’re having a great day!

Sunday, June 5, 2005

Ahh ... just let it all out ... long

Good Morning. Pshwoo. Taking a break from academics to do some free-flow writing. It’s early Sunday morning, so we are at that point where Saturday homework has been handed in and we haven’t officially received our work for the next week. However, we know that we’ve got some reading up ahead along with the papers to be writing. Shoot, was that just another passive sentence! Hah! Leaving it misconstrued.

I don’t think I would be up this early if it weren’t for the assistance of Monsieur Kitty. We were a little crabby with him. There is waking a person up and then there is waking a person up! He was aggressively, chewing on my hair close to the scalp so not only sounding like a loud mowing machine in my ear, he was pulling my hair! This just isn’t my favorite way to wake up. Then, he got kicked out of the first bathroom trip for doing the same. They know I’m pretty serious if I close the door between us. Only happens two or three times a year, if that.

And, since I was still frustrated after coming out ... kitties got only dry food this morning. I know, I know ... someone might give me flack for putting out his buddies, but someone has to take a stand around her, otherwise she might think her home to be dominated by the "Animals!" Hmpf!

Hmm, maybe a cup of coffee would help?

Ahh, another smoothie too! They really pulled me through the night last night. I’d stayed up till 10. Finished the strawberries and blueberries, now we’re on to the peach drinks :) Tasty! Feel a better disposition already.

So, what have we next?

I guess we could do a quick summary of work, but I’m not going to labor there long. It wasn’t a great week at all. Somewhere near the middle we had our annual review from the boss. She was very critical and blamed me for her DSPs being put out by my evaluation of their work. Well, at least one of them. The other four did not know how I evaluated them, no one asked including the boss. Though The boss stated she had people wanting to quit because of me.

I can only assume one of them is the lady who wanted to quit when she was going through staff training. She had to be aware of the fact, when I came into her room, she had not completed a lesson plan for the week, or even that day or hour, and she spent 10 minutes rummaging around her closet and came up with a lesson where her group compared the size of clothes pins. She had an overabundant stack of unprocessed papers, and she hadn’t finished her chrononotes from the week before. I have to question at this time, was it just someone knowing how far behind she was or the fact, she is not yet competent in her work.

The good Sister’s other primary complaint is that I want to have new ideas and do new things. She was at high pitch when she screamed "Nothing New!" After about 20-30 minutes of her diatribe, I was obviously in tears, but by this time she had been standing up. She was putting away a notebook where the hours our kept.

She kept getting angrier and angrier, the last fit because I’d used vacation days when I was sick. Right or Wrong, this is something that could have been passed on as a corrected process, rather than I’d been out to sabotage the center. I had thought only as far as I needed to use half a dozen vacation days before June 30 and I didn’t feel I could afford 6 sick days and add 6 more vacation days, plus you can’t save up vacation where you can save up sick. When she had turned around and saw tears, then she taunted, "We’re not going to have a pity party are we?"

One more thing ... she was insistent that I didn’t smile enough according to my peers. Apparently, they’ve been seeing me in concentration when I pass by them in the hall. She used that word, "concentration" specifically. That is no longer to be. I am not to concentrate and walk if it means I’m not smiling. Yah, just like her?

Pshwoo. I’m getting bent out of shape again ... need to stop ... well, one more thing ... she waited until the administration meeting with my peer, the other Q and my immediate standing supervisor. Then she told them everything she had told me during my private evaluation. She stood back and listened to the other Q criticize me for the same things she had just been critical of including the all the staff wanting to now quit. It was too much.

I did the best I could with it. I’d spent almost a whole session with it and Dr. M. He was trying to help me understand that Sr. Tess is a bully, and bullies find power in attacking the people that they control. Basically, his thought is that she is feeling bad, but does not know how to process those feelings, so she picks a victim and plays that out through her. My understanding is that the only way to withstand the emotional abuse, is to not be a victim.

So, we focused on that after the meeting and found we were not as much involved emotionally as we could have been. I need to keep in mind that I am being attacked by a bully and it doesn’t mean that my work or I am a bad. This is pretty tough for an abuse survivor and multiple. We tend to adapt to the harshness of the other’s reality. But, just as now ... we’re fighting it. And, I can let it go!

After the meeting we took about 20 minutes to regroup, but we were ready to do our 15 minutes in the lunchroom, and we were ready to do the thinking group an hour later. It was a fairly good group. One of my main participants was not involving herself due to a chatting need, but beside that there was mostly good attention paid to what was going on. I had printed out a sheet with pictures of things that I knew most of them could do. Such as phone, computer, assignments and whatever. I asked them to circle the things they could do. Then I asked them to think of what they would like to do next. There was a space on the paper to write their answer out. To do that, I had them come up one at a time to retrieve their sentence transcribed. There isn’t anyone in the room that can spell out their thoughts without assistance, but they are good copiers which gives them a sense of ownership.

Then we took one volunteer at a time and had him or her tell their goals to the big group. I focused on the terms, "We’re going to break it down." I made checklists on the board of the things we found they could do and the list making pointed to the next task they would have to do. The hour went past quickly and they seemed to enjoy themselves. A couple were given the opportunity to roleplay becoming a basketball player, a janitor, or calling a friend. It was a good session.

I thought the staff session was good too, but I’m guessing the staff will again go to Sr. to complain. In fact, that is what happened I know for a fact, because at the Administration meeting, Sr. Moaned and Groaned and terrorized in that my work wasn’t coordinated with the other QMRP and the some of the staff might have thought the goal data sheet change was for both Q’s. Eh ... I think I’m going to be in the doghouse for a while to come, until she needs something from me. I haven’t heard yet if I were to be again responsible for the Center’s annual report. Hmm, what would be the worst thing? I didn’t have to do it? Hehehe, no loss there!

I had, however, been pretty proud of the work I had done toward the goal data sheets and the Qnotes. That was the form I’d entered in the last entry. Just to reassure everyone, I had called and sent it as a fax to the guy at the state level who is responsible for some of our evaluations. He was the one, who had given me a few clues. He was very satisfied with it. Said it was just like the one’s he had learned to do at his last job and that they had been pretty strict. So, I had at least, that good feeling to fall back on.

Hmm, about time for my buddy to sign on ... Hey You! Time to get up ... and I won’t even chew/pull hair in saying so!

Ahh, while we have some time, there is some other things on our mind. Well, lots of stuff actually. School’s been pretty impressionable the last week. The two assignments both focused on critical thinking skills and bloom’s taxonomy which is a learning tool. The different areas of the taxonomy are knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis, and evaluation. We first worked with combining thinking skills with the taxonomy and then we applied that learning to analyzing an journal article of our choosing.

I’d been familiar with the taxonomy before, but I’d only applied it to writing goal objectives at the center. But it is too complex for DSPs worrying about the length of clothes pins. Some day, I WILL find purpose for real learning! All I really want to say here is that it is really a good set of thoughts to be processing. It thrills me to death to be thinking of thinking in an in-depth manner. I would like to apply it to more and more of my life.

Hmm, I’m so contrary to the boss. Just thinking know another criticism stated three times during the evaluation is that I am always analyzing. It seems to drive her mad. I told Jacob of the interview ... hehehe he’s next up! But, at least I got the affirmation I’m ok, she’s disorientated.

anyway ... if I could just hold the concept in my head, let me see how I might apply it ... Ok, since it is obviously in our mind again ... let’s apply the concepts to the new situation with sr. Tess ... new meaning Post-Dr. M. Session. If I start off with the knowledge that she is a bully and trying to work her problems through me, I might comprehend that as she is vicariously "trusting" me to be able to handle it.

She can’t stay cruel to the DSPs ... they’ve already indicated (also through me) that they want to quit. The hypothesis is that she really needs me, because she is stuck with her thoughts, feelings, and old theories that don’t seem to be working for her. But, in application, I don’t have to roll over and be kicked repeatedly. So if I am not going to be passive, and I certainly don’t need to be counter-aggressive, that leaves assertive. I think one of the things that I found joyful last week was to smile no matter what. Ok, maybe just a little passive aggressive. We’ll work on that!

How would I be assertive. I think often I use a counter image of myself standing in front of her as if I were listening to a hurt angry child. But, I really need to stay cognizant of the respect I have to continue giving her for being the boss. Usually it means, I don’t respond back with emotions or verbal argument. Somehow to be assertive might mean being more honest and forthright with her without attempting to just smack her! Pretty sure I don’t want that ... seriously! She loves to bait an argument, Maybe I just need to keep on the safe side ... what I have done in the past, even recently, is to write out my return thoughts on a little 3 x 5 card and place it on her desk. Then I don’t get into the back and forth, but I am able to give my two cents. Usually it makes her pretty upset to be contradicted, but if I put it simply as to our points of disagreement and my commitment to follow through in her objectives. Then I can feel good about myself.

Hmm, did I cover analysis too? Let’s move on to synthesis. The objective of me working at the Center is more like the reasons I am going to school. I want to help with program development, because I respect the arena of learning. I have high hopes that it can be accomplished even and especially for people with disabilities. It has been approached this week that maybe the emphasis of my work at the center is not going to be about learning. Maybe it will be more of a housekeeping task to keep up with the most simple tenets of staff training, clients concerns and CARF. Maybe these are valid and life producing tasks upon them selves. It is honest work. But, more than anything else, it allows me to pay the bills while I’m going to school. Yayyyyy!

Evaluation? I think it is a pretty good plan. Sr.’s moods are always a wild card and it is definately more work to uphold agency objectives while we’re nursing the boss along, but it seems to take pressure of the balance of the staff. I could say just the DSPs, but I watched my two peers, including my friend in the administration meeting. He was very aware that it wasn’t himself being attacked. He said nothing. From the other I would have expected ignorance and spite. As a whole, Ithink the plan will be yet tested as I convey my next set of thoughts to friends, family and Dr. M. I believe my life is eternally more gratifying than if I were to be Sr. Tess, hmm, let’s make that a blessing!

Ok, the Bloom "system" seems to work. Maybe that will be the subject of the next formal reflective thoughts. YAYYYY, and then that first 70 pages read of Precision training needs to be accounted for ... YAYYY! We got the plan!

Next, That other thing ... Jacob called wanting to know if I still was interested in taking him out to eat. "You BET!!!" So, we met up toward his place for a one o’clock lunch. It was SUPER fantastic! He is staying with his dad for the summer. Jacob and his high school/college friend got jobs painting for my ex throughout the summer. He is a professional house painter specializing in Victorian houses. What that really means is cheap $10 laborers to do tough work like scraping, priming and painting on tall ladders in the hot sun of summer. Yeek, Could say they are worth their keep.

My son outlined his days. He wakes up before 6 am eats for 10 minutes, gets in the van, sleeps for about an hour, then works til about 3. Comes home showers, plays video games for a couple of hours, then goes out for two or three more hours to work on his karate before sleeping again. I was really happy to hear he’d gone back to it. He is now working on one of the brown belt levels. Brown belt apparently comes directly before black belt. I guess his next test/trial is on June 25th, AND afterward, he said, he might, just might come over to the house for a sleepover!!!! Very excited about that! Course it is going to mean giving up some of my computer time for the night ... shoot, maybe I could be inspired to actually cook. We’re pretty sure our dishwasher should be here by then. Let’s just think about it a tiny bit!

Hmm, just checked that out. The link said it was due for delivery two days ago. That doesn’t sound good. Most likely they aren’t going to be there on a Sunday. But, I didn’t see a number to call. Shoot, a Friday delivery would have been perfect. Sure can bet I would have volunteered to miss the admin meeting!

White Glove Delivery: Ideal for home owners, the carrier will conveniently schedule an appointment with you for delivery and bring the item into the room of your choice.

Sure hope this doesn’t mean that one of my peers took a phone message incorrectly. Damn. Ok, ok ... we put in an email request to the company. Let’s see what happens next.

Ahh, friend is finally awake ... the story of jacob to be continued in a bit!

Hmm, ok next! Very satisfied with how the morning is going so far, though wondering if a nap might not be in the works ... kitties, hmpf!

Anyway, back to the jacob story. He passed on a grapevine message that his big brother might have done the pregnancy trick again ... well, of course, Lee was right there too! Going to hold down our grandmotherly gloating until we hear the message formally, but, I understand there may have been a successful test taken, YahOOOO!!

I didn’t hear too much in regard to Tanner. I think he bought the SUV he’d been leasing, then gave it to Jacob. Whatta KID! Jacob says as hard as he works during the week, come weekend it’s playtime throughout! Mostly video games with Tanner and cousins and dungeons and dragons. I was, and usually am incredibly amazed when Jacob goes into the detail of the game as he did yesterday. He and his group play both bad and good guys. Guess you have to pay twice, but if they get irked with a fellow good guy, Jacob can tell him I’m pretty upset with you and you are going to be vanished ... then he calls over his bad guy and crunches the guy like peanut butter. Ahh ... the good ol days when life was simple!

There are so many characters and the characters not only have weapons, jewels, and spells, they also have pets that help them. Mostly, he says their powers are defensive ... chuckle ... a zork pet is still man’s best friend!

We also talked about school for a good long while. I didn’t go into much detail about our school except to tell him that we were doing well and loved it. It turns out that Jacob had straight B’s. we were both pretty proud of that. His favorite course was due to a nice prof who taught social psych. YAYYYY Jacob. He talked about her putting people in groups and he moaned with a giggly manner of his group. There were days he said that he was the only one to show up. But, he and his peers joked and laughed about it. Then there were surprise people who never come to class who showed up toward the end not knowing what was going on. When asked, Jacob said he usually takes the role of leader and presenter and leaves the writing to others. I’ve got to give him credit for that. I never remember wanting to be the presenter! Hehehe. Good Jacob!

We still have to get together with Jacob to do the financial aidpaperwork. He’s saved that last amount from my father’s will to pay for room and board over the next semester, but he’ll need more than he can make over the summer. The previous money paid for most of his school year, but Jacob said he was down to his last $50 by the time school ended. He said, he was better off than most and any student who had enough left to pay for a pizza was a godsend to the rest!

*Sigh* Good visit ... and, he had suggested a local restaurant that wasn’t too expensive or crowded, so we took advantage and sat and talked straight through about 2 ½ hours. I noticed that he wasn’t eating much. He ate the hamburger, but skipped soup and fries. Hmm. We did better than usual. We ordered a fancy salad and a diet pop. But, we figured we did so well, we over-compensated with a strawberry cheesecake. Ok, this theory needs more work! There was a wonderful thunderstorm that had turned the sky dark while we were there. Then it passed before we left. It made the venture of sitting at a table conversing with Jacob very warm and cozy. These times are when life is at its best!

I don’t want to talk more of work this morning as far as what is coming up. I just want to be productive. I’d like to get a little more ahead this week in school than we have been the last couple of weeks. Today, I have as one of my goals to read the assigned chapter of the week and to read ahead as to the final project. I noted that in this weeks media center readings was an outline of the final project. I might read the rest of the assignments to the end of the semester to figure out if there is anyway I can plan ahead for that uncomfortable couple weeks. Though, I find myself looking more and more forward to that research writing course.

Should probably write another entry then for the reflective Journaling. That will put me in good shape. On Friday, we received the inter-library loan of a couple books that we’d been interested in by Marc Gold the guy that had put together the idea that given time people who had mental retardation could learn - the Bicycle theories. It’s going to be tough finding time to skim that material, but it might help as a resource for the final project. AND, I still have to finish the last 70 or so pages of the Precision teaching book. Lot’s to do, lots to do.

One of the back of the mind complications of today is that I have to get clothes to cleaners and do something about the house, especially if I’m to expect a dishwasher delivery. At this point, I am very happy to let go thoughts of washing dishes before it comes. Need to run it through some paces. BUT, I have to clear a path for the guys. Not real bad, but the place could really use a good 2-3 hours. I’m not ready to force this set of ideas though. It’s still before 9 am. There is time.

Ok, ok ... maybe to be fair I should come up with some kind of plan. Jacob had figured this out too. First thing that has to happen is that garbage bags need to be put in place. Then table surfaces cleared, dishes re-stacked ... maybe by then we could look at the bedroom situation? There really aren’t that many dirty clothes, because I don’t have many, but those I do have need to be washed.

Mostly what is taking up my bedroom space, is piles of clean things still in their plastic laundry bags that I have not used or put away. That needs to be done AND I would really like to see the bed made. I had spent such careful attention in getting great bed fixings. I think it would be encouraging if those were put back in place.

Wow! If I could do all that, I’d be very impressed with myself! Ok, ok ... It’s 9 am now ... Could make it a 10 am goal to start the first task ... Garbage. K ... Better set the timer. That will give me some time to do some reading first (calm me down). Yeeks, I got the hick-ups! Since when has that happened!?? Oh yeah work ... Hmm, I set a second timer for three hours from now. That is when I will insist we go to the laundry to drop off clothes.

We were real good yesterday, in that within 24 hours of our oil light turning on, we filled her up a couple of quarts, plus we got one more for the trunk. Hehehe, we also happened to notice that on the candy shelf (where we stood waiting to be cashed out) there was a new item of hot Dots! Yeeks, no I don’t like that kind of stuff, but I figured Jacob might. Ok, there goes the theory of not spoiling kids with candy. Lucky thing I got it though, jacob said he’d run down his candy supply! *silly grin* Eh, the boy doesn’t have an ounce of fat.

Oh, there is a one other notation. We went out with our friend for burritos and margaritas on Friday. That was pretty cool. I could tell he really needed some of our "Handling," because he spent the last 45 minutes of the work day talking about a system he was building up for his other job. He continued to talk throughout dinner, and on into the night. It took quite a lot of good listening until he finally wound down. Pshwoo. A person goes along having a busy life, then he/she is introduced to the life of another. Man ... sure is a lot that must go on in making the world turn! It was a very good time. It’s times like this I feel needed! :)

I feel comparatively, I lead a nice simple life. I don’t know how people do it when they add a lot of people variables. Seems the more people the more trouble! :) or glory! God Bless ‘em! For the most part I feel like I have a very blessed life. I sure am enjoying the hell out of most times! Like now. But, I have to face moving on with the day. Lots more to accomplish. We wish you all well!

Whoops timer!