Setting Up annual goals for another individual

We have been working on the annual goals of an individual we work for.  This individual makes vocalizations, but does not speak.  He is at a 4-5 year age level.  Sharing is hard for him, and he often says, "mi(ne), mi(ne)."  He is possessive of the Direct Support Person (DSP). 

This individual gains attention by laughing inappropriately, by not doing his work, by saying frequently "hey, hey!"  And, by disruptioning an agitated peer.  He is also very observant.  He picks up changes. 

First, the individual will receive positive attention for good work in process, and he will bring a timer to staff to gain her attention.  The staff will set the timer before a "visit" (graduating the intervals monthly from 1 to 12 minutes). 

Next, we will validate his communication.  He often says, "loo(k), loo(k)!"  For 5 minutes, twice a day, the DSP will narrate for him scenes she believe is catching his attention.  He will for each scene place a mark on paper (journaling).  Scenes are like someone sneezing, a pencil rolling of a table, or someone moving a book.  

Next, for 15 minutes of time each day, he will make his own symbols in squares on a grid.  To increase his attention span, at quarterly intervals of 3 months, the squares will multiply and get smaller.  At first, there will be 40 squares which are 125x75 pixels.  At the end, there will be 168 squares which are 50x45 pixels.  This is an 86% increase in attention.

Last, he will concentrate on a reading task for 1 minute.  Reading will be to "thumb" through a very colorful National Geographic book on the Universe.  Every two weeks another minute will be added.  At the end of the year, he will have adjusted to a 25 minute task. 

Hmm, sounds good!  

To Erin and Her Family

Kahlil Gibran on Good and Evil, 3rd-7th Stanza

     "You are good when you are fully awake in your speech, Yet you are not evil when you sleep while your tongue staggers without purpose.  And even stumbling speech may strengthen a weak tongue.

     You are good when you walk to your goal firmly and with bold steps.  Yet you are not evil when you go thither limping.  Even those who limp go not backward.  But you who are strong and swift, see that you do not limp before the lame, deeming it kindness.

     You are good in countless ways, and you are not evil when you are not good, You are only loitering and sluggard.  Pity that the stags cannot teach swiftness to the turtles.

     In your longing for your giant self lies your goodness: and that longing is in all of you.  But in some of you that longing is a torrent rushing with might to the sea, carrying the secrets of the hillsides and the songs of the forest.  And in others it is a flat stream that loses itself in angles and bends and lingers before it reaches the shore.  But let not him who longs much say to him who longs little, "Wherefore are you slow and halting?"  For the truly good ask not the naked, "Where is your garment?" nor the houseless, "What has befallen your house?""

To Gentle Brook and Her Family

A Memo to the Staff at the Center

Sister Tess and I talked briefly about distributing the minutes of the Behavioral Management/Human Rights Committee.  Understanding these minutes, or what the minutes represent of the meeting may better aid our work with the individuals.

Please find in this package a client code sheet and four sets of minutes representing a one year period of time. 

A behavioral concept that Dr. D of the committee shared with the committee is the idea of doing reframing work with the individuals. This concept suggests that the individuals may become more willing and able participants of daily life if they can recognize and respond to our more healthy behaviors and attitudes.  

If the individuals choose to imitate our positivism, the more needy behavioral displays such as attention seeking and avoidance of duties will abate. This is because you will have nourished their God given, but budding sense of self dignity and worth as a human being.  This is a real need of the individuals we serve, and is one of the primary goals of our program. 

We are here to help and assist as best we can and to the extent in which the individuals come to trust us. Part of this reframing work is then more simply summarized as recognizing and responding to our own and others' positive and supportive self patterns. 

Please ask for help from individuals of the committee if you need more assistance in comprehending behavioral management and/or human rights concepts or in interpretation of the scenarios sketched in the meeting minutes.

Some Very Good Thinking

We've been putting our adult life together.  We hope you enjoy the album.  Dear Heart ... This is us at our best.

Corey's Summary of a Multiple Day (8)

Work took up most of yesterday, but there was a short hour long in-between visit from Forest Path.  He came in with a cold from officiating a football game in the rain, but he still needed to pick up one of his son's from the train station.  

At work the system again tried to reorganize.  We're amazed though with how well we don't keep to our schedules.  Each day brings it's own unplanned rhythm.  We had volunteered to Sr. Tess our 15 point to-do list and had asked for suggestions.  She reastablished for us the first three priorities.    

The immediate priority was to write minutes for two behavioral/human rights meetings.  We'd been neglectful of the first meeting back in June when things were so haywire. It really is an interesting challenge.  We summarized from our really good notes six months of the individual's behavioral eccentricities, incidents, and accidents to four pages narration.  We look for patterns.  The odd behaviors don't surprise us anymore.  This bunch ranged from shirt chewing and sneak kissing to leaving the building unescorted and revealing plots where individuals are out to do damage to others.

The other big project was to give some of the CARF work to Sr. Tess.  It wasn't the finished version she'd hoped for.  We calculated the actual writing of reports, outlines, and flowcharts would take at least another 32 hours (5-6 hour per day for one more week), plus there was still the collection of documents and inventories. 

We're kind of hoping she'll help us with the last two.  Not sure though.  Forest Path says Sr. Tess is overwhelmed with all the notes we've been giving her, like  reorganizing the DSP's time.  They no longer see trees through the forest.  We figure one hour out for essentials, 2 1/2 hours for group time, then give 15 minutes each for up to 10 individuals in any one group.  Simplify!

Tidying Up the Stage

We're figurin we should tidy up.  Our scenario is unruly.

At first Dear Heart would hand the geologist the rope and it would be lowered.  We thought that it would be clumsy to have our geologist climbing a 15' ladder from center stage and that would upstage our star.  Dr. M. brilliantly reminded us that there would be a "cat-walk."  We're making things a little easier for our Dear Heart to control. 

I just love this guy to pieces!  He's such a good figurer!  That would mean naturally no displacement for the buckets.  We're pretty concerned about being juggled.

We just found there are 18 useful cleaning guidelines to caring for an auditorium or stage and there are 21 pieces of equipment the custodian would need including gum remover, wet floor signs, and toilet paper.  Go figure!

Ack!  Digressions! 

There was also some more talk of the different kinds of rocks.  We decided that some of the rocks should be sensational like diamonds and other gems and some of them would be old tossible crustaceans.

We want to make better use of the memories and feelings to lighten Dear Heart's load.  We figure we should have a display case for the really good rocks.  Other stage items so far include a couch, a chair, a table and light, a desk and a computer, a clock, and a picture of a cat! 

Now, if this could turn into a real play, we have to figure why we have a geologist up in the rafters!  Maybe he's a hired back stage consultant and the play is actually about?  Not sure. We just know Dear Heart is going to get hurt.

Shoot, need to simplify, need to add physics. 

Back to the Thinking Group

Yesterday started with the journal award in the morning and we did more reading of other people's journals than writing.  At work, we talked to a few DSP's on the way back to the office, then we wrote up some goal data sheets.  We did the Thinking Group and after it was over we planned next week's lesson.  There were a few more loose ends, but mostly we advanced CARF.  

In the Thinking Group, we continued with scalars (measurements).  The 27 individuals picked up their supplies and we again went over pronouncing the word, "physics."  Then we had them trace their hand on paper.  Individually and in small groups, we wanted to show them how to measure paper thumbs with the ruler.

We had them draw a ring at the base of the thumb, then we put the #1-side of the ruler up against it.  We put a mark next to the numbers up to the tip of the thumb.  We had them estimate which line was closer (some measurements went over the tip, but fractions are confusing).  We counted how many marks we had made and we wrote down the number including the inch mark (rabbit track).  Then we repeated the lesson with the next finger.  

We also had them carefully draw the stick figures of Tyler and Jennifer.  This time we wanted them to learn quickness, so we had them minimize the embellishments.  (Jennifer gets a triangle skirt, but no hair or makeup!)  We wanted efficient note taking.   After that, we had them measure from head to head.  This caused a lot of *giggles*, although most of their work had been studious.

There were many improvements and everyone seemed excited and happy.  All of them needed assistance.  Most confusing was that before they measured the distance between their paper characters, I'd done an example on the board.  It had measured 6".  So, the brighter ones cheated and copied on their paper 6" instead of doing the proper math of 1-2" distance.    

Thank You John G.!

Today we received a wonderful email from a new person!  He gave us his award for having put a lot of work and time into our journal among other nice things.  We are very honored with his consideration and accept the award with all honor!  We think of the work and time as "no end to pleasure."

We will be returning the visit to his journal at: Thoughts From A Collapsed Brain. 

Again thank you John G.

Ayn and all

(hehe - now we visited ... it's a wonderful journal full on all kinds of neat thoughts and people.  Please visit John G.'s place!)

Corey's Summary of a Multiple Day (7)

Yesterday was long.  We weren't able to move well, so ended up doing our Dr. M. appointment over the phone.  Afterward, it took a call to Forest Path for help getting us out the door.  We stayed at work until 7:30 pm.  On the way home, we earned a big pickle from the sub shop for taking care of laundry proper.  We ended our day by talking to Forest Path and to Gentle Brook each for a few moments before turning in.  

We think that the difficulty of moving was due in part to Dear Heart.  It seems that last week's appointment may have been very hard on her.  The situation made us an hour late for work, and when we got there, we were fuzzy.

Work was ok, in that we got some good work done at the end, but there were a couple of people in who needed information on each of the individuals on our caseload.  It was the beginning of their assessment for physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech.  I said something dumb out of ignorance and one of the ladies dumped a lot of her anger on me.  I tried to apologize sincerely, but she wouldn't accept it.  I told Sr. Tess about it afterward and she scolded lightly for just a moment, then gave me the correct sentence I could have used.  She advised me to forget about it because I'd apologized and now it was past.  I'd been very upset and cried.  

Oh and Kate spent time helping Sr. Tess with a $6,000 grant.  They are trying to decide if it should be spent on the center's first web site, or a new computer/printer for the secretary.

Dr. M.'s appointment was very quick.  Our Anniemi seemed to be out the full session.  She appeared to be concerned with the contents of the last couple of day's writing and carried on an indepth conversation with Dr. M.  In particular, they talked of the essay, what had happened during the last Dr. M. appointment, and going over the last physics lesson.  There was a general furthering of ideas.  These developments will be reworked into the system.

The Infants and Toddlers

We have four parts who we haven't talked much about.  Again, they are Anna (2 1/2 years), Gracie (1 1/2 years ), Crystal (8 months), and Mimi (3 months). We know some things about them, but not as much as we need to know.  They appear to cluster.  Usually, Sarah and or Henry watch over them, but it's through the Casies we gain access. 

In our last session, we believe Dear Heart to have experienced each of the youngest parts through rapid de-escalation.  We know that the experience was terrifying for her.  We can sense her begging to make it stop.  Dr. M says Dear Heart is still depressed, anxious, and tense.  She seems to have felt Anna's severe pain, Gracie's ridgedness, Crystal's inability to breath, and lastly, Mimi's inability to hold consciousness. 

Through time and patience, sexuality, or emotive-like therapy, each of these parts will come out.  There was significant work done with these parts in the seven years we were treated by Dr. W.  There has been virtually no exposure of these parts in the four years Dr. M. has treated us.  Dear Heart's developing trust in Dr. M and ourselves, and her willingness to accept parts seem to be necessary at this stage.  There appeared to be much less control in Dr. W.'s time.  Maybe this is due to our newer. more adult ability to make choices.

In the past, we have believed Mimi to have been numbed or given to unconsciousness by alcohol given to her while holding the abuser's sexual organs to suckle.  We believe that Crystal cries and screams and was choked by ejaculations and in attempts to quiet her.  She exhibits seizure like behavior.  We believed Gracie to have experienced severe and painful manipulations of her genitals.  She hyperventilates, has extreme fear, and paralyzation.  We have believed Anna to have withstood a tremendous amount of physical abuse and is autistic like in her rocking, non-ability to play or socialize, and her non-verbalness.  In addition, all four suffered neglect and emotional abuse.

On Knowing People Who Blaze (Seeing the Trees Through the Forest)

We, and most the people we know, are "blazers."  We find seeds of logic in the thread and we accept this priority/gift! 

To blaze means:  1) to leave a path (trail) marker by chipping bark off a tree, 2) to make public or conspicuous, 3) to flare up, 4) to be brilliant or resplendent, 5) a dazzling display or a sudden outburst, or 6) to lead in direction or activity.   AOL Research & Learn: Dictionary.

Each individual has his or her own forest path, life's journey, or bold adventure for which we attach the concept of markers.  Markers are left at intersections; they are the maps.  Often, we leave markers so we may be better able to choose which direction our self, other parts, or the core might hope or need to lead from, next follow, or stay clear of. 

With others we find these similar testaments of faith.  The computer people build emails, jounals, and websites with helpful links.  Our friends convey to us briefly, "off to launder the socks!" or "if it doesn't rain, i'll be working on the car!"  The boys leave the message, "We love you Mom, but need to get back to the game!"  Our boss says, "after you get settled, I'll need to talk to you!"  And our therapist reminds us, "I'll see you again on Monday!"  Priorities of time and nature are set by people, communities, and God.  

Being or knowing a blazer is as inspirational as tracing a twisting river, stream, or brook.  We work, rest, nourish, or play.  Kahlil Gibran writes, "... keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.  For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life's procession..."

A Responce to an Essay by Kaleidescope

We are parts of a well-rounded multiple system.  We agree with ac_hyper, that many neural connections occur after birth in regard to formation of an identity.  And we agree, multiplicity is not a disorder.

We've been fortunate for 11 years to have had good therapy.  Bad therapy is bad.  We've been here too (8 years).  Our parts are not fragments of someone else; we are all real people.  We're of one body and brain, but many minds.  We are open enough to think that each multiple should develop and adhere to their own beliefs, even in regard to whether or not there is a core.  We happen to have one.  Multiple or singleton, we each create our own mythology.  We also happen to have an internal self helper that is and never will be available to external people.  Among other things, she is our sense of self-privacy.  Most human beings have self labels.  I don't believe in subscribing to us all as being sorted by "kinds" of parts, it would be like subscribing seriously to horoscopes.

We've never been lead to believe in integration from our therapists.  On the contrary, they've helped us with our enlightenment and freedom.  We've never met or read about a multiple who wasn't creative, but then so are my best external friends and the folks with developmental disabilities I work for.  (Don't believe they are disabled either - Just in need like us, sometimes of a helpful translation). 

We agree multiplicity isn't as rare as once thought.  Interpersonal or social constructs being as they may, we believe it is a human tendency to define self(s).  I was abused as a child, but don't believe all abused children develop multiplicty or all multiples go through abuse.  We define ourselves as being (and alive), despite the abusers will to the contrary.  Always at risk of over-simplification, we still try to simplify life (people seem often to clutter).  Some of our parts have adapted to significant changes in our life, not just abuse (like going to school, having friends, and starting work).  We would never want to be single-minded.  We cherish our diversity.

The Physics Classroom - Distance and Displacement

"The Physics Classroom" says (Distance and Displacement), "Distance and displacement are two quantities which may seem to mean the same thing, yet have distinctly different definitions and meanings. 

Distance - is a scalar quantity which refers to how much ground an object has covered during its motion.

Displacement - is a vector quantity which refers to how far out of place an object is; it is the object's change in position."

In general, going 2 meters east, then going 2 meters west cancel each other out.

In our bucket analagy, if Dear Heart hands the geologist the rope, for one to two hours a week, the geologist each time could lower, then raise the buckets for a distance of 30 feet.  (15 feet down, 15 feet up).  But, because he leaves them where he found them for her, the displacement would be 0 feet.

In the physical act of meeting with Dr. M, or entering his office, it appears Dear Heart has displaced the parts 0 feet; she covers a distance of about 7 feet.  As he closes the door, she's is careful to avoid proximity to both the doctor and the parts. She sits on the couch at a distance of 5 feet and lets go the rein.  The parts are most often the objects of the therapist's attention; he tries not to threaten Dear Heart, or us.  At the end of the hour, Dear Heart walks back the 7 feet out of the office still with parts out front "leading the coach."  There's not been one inch of displacement for any of us.    

As Dr. M. maintains safeties, Dear Heart maintains distance from the buckets and doctor, but seems now to trust a little more.  We hope she comes to see the mined rocks are lovely and useful to her.

Corey's Summary of a Multiple Day (6)

Yesterday was spent trying not to feel behind.  We wrote, were at work by 7:30 am, came home at 7 pm, ate, and went to bed.

At work, Anniemi helped Sr. Tess and Forest Path move toward resolution on an issue with the ancillary codes.  The other Q is trying to dominate the center by arbitrarily defining what the codes mean.  The DSP's track the individual's day by posting codes (like 9115 Current Events .50 hrs., 9121 Workshop Skills 1.5 hrs., etc.)  There are about 47 codes. 

After that Kate promised one of the DSP's we'd write up the new Goal Data Sheets.  This is how the individual's personal progress is tracked.  We're behind, because of being gone those last couple of months.  Seven individuals at 3 goals each means 35 pages just on goals, plus 28 more pages of report. This was an all day project; and is still incomplete.  

We needed to do an intake meeting.  The individual seems more ready for learning than the last intake.  Ayn says, this one has been out of programs though for a year, so is much into Spanish soap operas and slippers.  The one Sr. Tess took in slams doors, yells, hits people with balls, and in general has trouble with authority.  *G* He's on our caseload too!

Then we had a meeting with a social worker from the University in regard to another of our individuals.  There are smaller problems, but we are both watching carefully the possibility of her being abused.  There are many in the household, but in particular a brother-in-law, that is known for drinking and physical abuse of his wife.  We held this meeting in committee of our parts.

Shoot, one more thing?  The center's secretary is due next month, so the quarterly newsletter is being done early.  I always submit an article, so there was that to be doing.  I wrote it on Annuals and 30 Day meetings.

We never got to doing Qnotes, Annuals, or CARF.  We'll go in again today.

A Story about Pets

We think when a kitty licks you they are saying please or thank you.  Like please give us some attention or thank you that was a very good pet.  We think dogs lick people for the same thing (please or thank you).  But, they get much more excited like please, please, please give me your ice cream or cookie.  Or thank you, thank you, thank you I love you won't you take me for a walk or ride in the car!

The End

Corey's Summary of a Multiple Day (5)

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  We did some writing, went to work, went to Dr. M's., then came home, ate and after about 20 minutes, fell asleep.  We were only up once during the night and slept this morning until about 3:15 am.   

We figure the writing is going pretty good.  There is still a lot of rereading over what is being committed to the journals.  We need to reassure ourselves that it will be ok, though sometimes it just makes us feel good.  It's always good to comprehend one's thoughts. Hmm, another thing I do know about rereading. It seems pretty common for us to be reading from the perceived perspectives of external others.  

At work, we helped other people, especially staff.  Hehehe like figurin out telephone bills, incident reports, and little autumn banners for a group's art project.  In general, we are in the role of being a listener and problem solver to other peoples' problems.  We also took the minutes for the quarterly Behavioral Management/Human Rights Meeting.  There is a psychiatrist, a parent, a counselor from the high school that feeds into our center, Sr. Tess, the other Q, and me.  We feel embarrassment by the lack of professionalism of the other Q.  She dominates the meeting, parrots Sr. Tess, and expels a plethora of complaints about the individuals served.

Dr. M sent us an email of what had happened during that meeting.  It seems we talked of work, talked about pre-verbal parts being out (most likely Gracie), then Casey, Dear Heart, and KC were each out.  Very confusing.  I understand the general pressures of work, we know that pre-verbal parts get triggered out, we're feeling bad for Casey who doesn't seem to understand that she was sexually abused, and we're proud of KC for being able to walk us out of the office on time. 

We're most worried about Dear Heart.  Dr. M. says she was profoundly affected by pain in her body.  We're figurin that we got bumped and some more rocks tumbled down on her head.

Thinking Group - Physics at the Center

The majority of the adult individuals at our center have moderate mental retardation.  That means a lot of concepts have to be broken down.  We are a translator of sorts.  There are 27 individuals in the Thinking group and me.  The group has been together for 3 years learning things like critical thinking, self advocacy, rights, and the exploration of their feelings and thoughts.  We haven't been together all summer, so everyone is fresh, happy, and ready.  We decided teach  "our physics!"

First thing was to give them supplies.  They each received a notebook, pencil, ruler, a cartoon bookmarker, and a couple of small slips of paper with date and two terms spelled out.  Not everyone can copy letters yet, but marks are made.

Next they worked on pronouncing the word, "physics."  We did this phonetically.  We told them that physics meant the science of how people and things work together; it's all about relationships!.  This they love.  On the board, we drew two stick figures standing apart.  They named them Tyler and Jennifer.  Then we said, "ok ... now watch this!"  There were many oohs and ahhs!  So then we asked, "what just happened?"  Most of them were excited to say, "You just erased Tyler and moved him closer to Jennifer!"  Then I said, "I see!  Then tell me, how did this happen?"  This was too hard.  So we concluded for them, "physics will help us explain how Tyler and Jennifer get together!"  They liked that idea ... a lot!

Then, we thought we'd move on to scalars.  We figured inches would work. We found most of them could draw a straight up and down line on their paper, but when I asked them to measure it, the brightest counted all 12 numbers on the ruler instead of the 10 1/2 inches for the line on their paper.  And, most of them didn't understand the inch (") symbol. It's ok.  Their notes included the two stick figures.

This is the start.  We are all very proud of their "thinking" work!

We Trust that God will Provide

We would like you to come see our place we made.  Especially Dear Heart.  Us!!!

The Physics Classroom - Scalars and Vectors

We decided that we are going to be studying physics to better understand multiplicity.  We found a very good online site for high school level physics.  All physics quotes and pictures will come from "The Physics Classroom."  Physics Classroom Table of Contents.  You will always know we are using this resource, because we will title the entry, "The Physics Classroom."  Our Jamie will be in charge.

The first section is called, "kinematics."  The resource says this is, "the science of describing motion of objects using words, diagrams, numbers, graphs, and equations."  They say that studying kinematics will help us understand, "the motion of real world objects."

"The motion of objects can be described by words - words such as distance, displacement, speed, velocity, and exceleration.  These mathematical quantities which are used to describe the motion of objects can be divided in two categories.  The quantity is either a vector or a scalar.  Scalars are quantities which are described by a magnitude alone.  Vectors are quantities which are described by both a magnitude and a direction."

Hmm, better look up magnitude ... Ok, it's a spacial quality or size like miles, miles per second, degrees celsius, bytes, or calories.  By adding a direction, they mean like north, south, west, or east.  So that 5 miles would be a scalar and 5 miles east would be a vector.

We figure the main objects that we will want to be figuring out are our Dear Heart (core), our attackers (sexual, physical, emotional, or spiritual abusers), the buckets (our multiple parts), the rope and pulley (?), the rocks (memories and feelings), and the geologist mining the rocks in the bucket (the good Dr. M.).

That would mean a scalar could be like 15 feet, and a vector could be 15 feet north.  Hmm, could a vector be a direction like, "up?"  [Check this out.]  We figure that our buckets are about 15 feet up above Dear Heart's head.

A Busy Day

Today was a good day.  We worked for almost 12 hours.  There was a little time saved to go to the bank and grocery store.  Needed the essentials of coffee, cat food, and cereal.  

We started the morning being on track.  Hehehe ... this is a new idea!  We spent time calming down a DSP who was going to have her first annual meeting with us.  We assured her of her part in the play.  She seemed almost over ready.

Next, was to use the next couple of hours pulling together the last moment things.  We wrote an agenda, summary, retyped a preference interview, pulled forms, and made copies ... that sort of thing.  It's putting together all the individual pieces.  The DSP was apparently still nervous, because she and the client came to our office early to start the meeting before people got there!  *Giggle*

The individual's sister and father came as did our administrator.  The meeting was professional and the agenda upheld.  Everyone was happy and had time to say what was on their mind.  And, Sr. T. was happy because it lasted the proper one hour.  The best part of the meeting was that we'd changed the format so the individual being served gets much more time to be "up front."  He was able to tell us what he wanted, talk about his goals, and again listen to his rights.  At the end, he was very honored to be signing papers.  The groups practice their signing skills for proud moments like this. 

After the meeting, I spent a few moments corresponding to Gentle Brook, then we had lunch and got back to work.   We had to do some research on what exactly a fact-based decision making process was.  It turned out to be our ability to resolve problems/opportunities with critical thinking skills.   We made a new chart, then upgraded the last seven charts in color.  Yep, it was a Good day! 

A Quick Summary of the Day

This morning we're feeling kind of rushed.  The night before we had only a couple of hours sleep, then last night we stayed at the Center working until 7:30 pm.  We justified staying late because of a deadline and having missed a couple hours in the morning.  Today, we slept in late to recover.

Yesterday, we set the agenda with Dr. M. to be going over the on-line journals, looking at the pictures we'd collected, and talking about writing a book. 

It was a lot of information for one hour's time.  His computer was down so we had to use our memory.  Could only remember though two entries.  We remembered the kindergarten report card and the bucket analogy.  We'd had new ideas toward the analogy. We've come to think of the buckets themselves as being the different parts and Dr. M. the geologist mining the rocks.  Although the parts seem to handle the load of the rocks, it might not be wise to force Dear Heart to be bearing such a difficult load.  Sometimes the buckets get bumped and rocks spill out on her head.

The pictures took a long time ... 'bout a half hour. We had planned to hand him the stack, but we ended up giving him the pictures one at a time.  We wanted to control the flow a bit.  We were pleased that Dr. M. was taking the time to look at them carefully.  But, then he's always patient and careful!  We're trying to accept that we were pretty and precious all along.  These are concepts we never ever heard growing up.  We were given quite a lot of negatives.  Now we're wondering if we can give up some of these rocks.  We seem to be hard pressed to let them go.  It might be a bent sense of duty and responsibility. 

The part about wanting to write it very strong, yet cautious.  Dr. M. thought it was a good idea, so that gave us encouragement.  At this stage, we are trying to balance the excitement of writing with the knowledge that we still have to be doing our work at work and taking care of maintenance tasks at home.  We need to rebalance the loads.  Efficiency is in order!

The Weekend

It was a pretty good weekend!  We stayed at work late on Friday night.  We'd learned how to take snapshots with the new web cam.  

On Saturday, we went to work.  Usually, just Sister Tess, Clear Sky, and I are there, but it was the day when all the parent's meet all the staff.  We handed out advertisements for pictures.  We figured we'd lure people all the way back to our new corner office.  We wanted to show it off!  It worked out fine and everyone was pleased.

After that Forest Path and I had time to talk both at the office and at a Chinese restaurant.  We want to write a very small book and he had told us a long time ago if we ever decided to write, he would become our business manager.  This was one of those times where the discussion was so great, I had to sit on our hands to keep from interrupting! 

Sunday we didn't really go out.  It was quiet here with just the kitties, Missy and Chief.  Most of the day was nostalgically spent looking through a few pictues sent of us from my father's estate.  They supplemented our collection of self and favorite home pictures.  There's only about 40 to account our long 40 some years of age.  We have about as many of the boys, especially when they were younger.

We plan to talk them over with Dr. M. this morning.  He's never seen pictures of us when we were young, or of our place, or of the skinny adult us.  We gained a tremendous amount of weight the year before we started to see him due to side affect of medicines and having been sexually attacked in '98.  Even before that, we were not doing well.  We'd lost custody of the boys due to court fees, we needed to to sell our home, file for bankrupsy, and give up our therapist, job, and dog.   But, we have our faith in God.  We were directed to a homeless shelter and started the beautiful rebounding we seem to do so well!

News from Kindergarten

We feel suddenly blessed.  After 39 years, we are just getting our first report card.  It is signed by Miss Cassell, but directly it is from our father's estate.  In kindergarten, the system was 5 years old.  Casie and KC started out the year, then Anniemie had to take over.  The first half of the year our progress was "satisfactory" or "never," but by the end of the kindergarten year, we had "almost always" on 71% of the goals.  Later Lissa would be beat with a belt by our father for low marks.

At the end of the third quarter, we were still having trouble with number readiness, work habits, music, art, health and safety.  We didn't even succeed in naps or being careful with crayons!  Our reading readiness and social habits showed some signs of improvement; we learned to follow directions, speak, and listen.  We also started taking turns, getting along with the other children, sharing, staying reasonably quiet, and making good use of our free time.  We had the most trouble with developing good manners, being careful, and respecting the rights and properties of others.  

By the end of the school year, we hadn't received more than  "satisfactory" or "never" in number readiness.  We started the last quarter still not recognizing our numbers.  We couldn't match objects or write the numbers 1-5.  We also couldn't count to 10, certainly not up to 30 as was expected of kindergarten students back in the mid-60's.  

In addition, through out kindergarten, we never learned to express ourselves freely before the group or participate in conversations.  We were afraid to use our own ideas.  Things feel better now.  At that time Casie and KC were still dealing with sexual abuse.  Annimi was created only to handle presenting as "a good girl" at school, home, and church.

Analogies of Energy - Potential and Kinetic (part 1)

Yesterday. there were quite a few emails back and forth from River Bank and Dr. M.  They are both trying to help us with kinetic and potential energy concepts that are difficult for us.  This is to better understand, among other things, the effect of abuse (and multiplicity that includes a core).  It's tough because we never had physics. 

River Bank, Dr. M., and us are all traveling along parallel paths.  River Bank gave us a moving truck analogy, Dr. M. liked that, but furthered the process with these thoughts  and analogy:

"When physic people talk about basic energy, the use potential and kinetic as terms.  Potential energy is the amount of work an object at rest is able to do.  Kinetic energy is the amount of work an object that is moving can do."

"Ok, so we have child who experiences trauma.  He/she does not have the capacity to cope with it (process it, integrate it into his or her experience).  The child is able to dissociate it.  The process of dissociation is driven by the trauma ...Imagine a bucket with a rope attached.  The rope goes through a pulley on the ceiling.  You can raise the bucket by pulling down on the rope." 

"Ok?  So for each trauma, we have a bucket.  In the bucket we put a certain number of rocks (memories and feelings) that approximate the severity of the trauma.  The more severe the trauma, the heavier the bucket.  The force of the trauma, pulls the bucket up to the ceiling (takes the memories , feelings out of site, and maybe parts).  The rope is then tied off to something stationary on the ground (core personality?)  So by the time the person gets to be an adult, he/she may have a lot of buckets in the air and lots of ropes to keep tied up."

"This is where the energy concept comes in.  These buckets have a certain amount of potential energy associated with them.  This is the state I think you were in when things started to go poorly with your ex.  The stress caused you to loose grip of the ropes.  Buckets came falling down, loaded with feelings and memories."  

We Last off with ... reality/fields and energy/clouds

Lots of thoughts.  But, sometimes you just gotta rest your mind(s).

A Responce to Astraea's Last Links in Previous Entry - Gotta Love the Guys!

Our system believes in trauma theory and that it is natural.  But not all trauma-based multiples have been told they are defective. Not all of Western society has turned their back to issues of trauma. We think this cause is being well furthered in work of trauma and object relations, particularly by Menninger Clinic.

We believe that the personal stories of multiples in childhood and beyond are often horrific and bleak. But, we believe that the normal life of a multiple does not have to be after the abuses have stopped.  They do not have to continue the dysfunctionality or chaos. We need relationships where caring is experienced and trust is allowed to develop. Sometimes this happens in a good therapeutic relationship.

We think strongly of the idea of there being a host. There needs to have been born a human body with a functional heart and brain. What happens to this biological human being in development of becoming, is up for speculation.  We personally believe that trauma caused a different pattern of brain synapses that clustered different personalities of our one self. Like the adaptation of any species in their developmental years, we needed to continue perfecting or creating self to survive and prosper within a given dysfunctional enclave. 

We're discussing with our therapist now the idea of kinetic energy almost as a field for our excessed emotions to have projected onto.  Dear Heart recessed. We are thinking that afterward in our need to avoid dissonance, we advanced mythological explanations of how we (all) came to being. We believe singletons as well create their life story which would be mythological in nature.  This is just because truth through history is hard to discern.

Corey's Summary of a MP Day (4)

Yesterday was a pretty good day!  

Three individual's came in our office asking for advice on what to do with a fourth individual who wanted money from one of them.  One individual came in because he wanted to give us an "I love you" card he'd made.  And, the last was an individual who also has schizophrenia.  She was scared because the voices inside her head were telling her to kill herself.

Anniemi handled the first problem with the bully, Ann accepted the card with a hug, and Ayn, Kate, and Jamie handled the life threatening situation.  We like to keep things safe!

The Qnotes were done in the morning and the flowcharts to relax us at the end of the day.  Qnotes are helpful in getting caught up with the clients' progress and the flowcharts give us a chance to watch Kelsie playing creatively.  We like more and more each day the representation of these new "pictures." They make it easier for more of us to understand the center's business. 

We left a note to Sr. Tess saying that the free trial on the flowchart program is going to end soon and $129 is a good deal.  *Giggle* then Sarah put in an extra note complementing Sr. Tess for being a really good boss!

Kate had our bag lunch with Forest Path and we also waited for him after work.  He said he'd have about an hour.  We are pretty sneaky.  Ann got a half sub sandwich and the Casies a large diet slurpee!  

Forest Path has a much bigger world with all kinds of important things happening.  He's working on getting a couple of really big contracts and today is the day of his annual miniature golf and pizza event he created for a couple hundred folks with developmental disabilities.  It is not only an outing, but as well a fundraiser.  He's just that kinda guy!

After that Lissa had our computer time and the Casies got us to bed.  On time!

On the Need to Sustain Multiple Systems

We're not sure where we are going with this next entry, but we'd like to do a little figurin' in this direction.  ('Cuz we're feeling in a pretty damn good mood this mornin').

We know there are contradictions to this theory, and we'd be willing to hear input, but our system still holds to the belief that most of us (the parts) were created to handle an adaptation to a trauma (or major change) to the original birth core. 

A lot of people on the outside - especially unenlightened therapists and talk show hosts think that because a person no longer faces the same dangerous crises, that same individual no longer needs a multiple "system," or has a need to "entertain" an adult "disabled" life.  They would have us reintegrate back into one person with only one identity.  We figure this is a horrendous idea!  We've earned and deserved our time out in this world and we accept being many!  Not one singular entity, but a gaggle of beautiful and interesting best feet forwarders!

In a good theraputic relationship, integration doesn't need to be the goal.  It can be a goal, but shouldn't be forced on us from an external world.  The multiple should be able to choose how he or she would like to live.  It could include something like I want to live better with all of my selves.  Or, I want to comunicate within so we are all moving in the same direction.  Or, we want to support and sustain ourselves to be independent of "neediness" on others.  It's a tough job in any part of society to have a large group work toward one group objective.  Hehe like the difficulty of sharing just one boyfriend between ourselves!  We figure that we could be examples to the external community.  Hehehe, pretty egotistical aren't we!

Regardless, we figure it is pretty insightful to be a multiple.  We see the world uniquely and have learned to progress our own species of self to a world sometimes corrupt and uncaring.  We are all for sustanation!  Hmm, is that a word??  Eh!  Fact is we are gifted!

Our Day at Work

Yesterday was a very good day at work.  We did four Qnotes, started the Annual meetings, and even did CARF flowcharting.  We still aren't real efficient, but we're on the right track!  We were able to reformat the meeting in a positive manner.

The Qnotes we wrote were for the individual who was having the actual meeting.  A good Q has objective Qnotes with quantifiable goals and substantiated summaries.  We also like focussing on progress. 

The meeting is a pretty big deal and time for everyone to come together.  The Q facilitates the meeting, but everyone centers on the individual, his or her preferences, and the goals past and future.  Usually the parents/guardians, the Direct Support Person (DSP), and the Administrator of the center, are also at the meeting. 

At the present time, we have 23 people on our caseload, so there are quite a few Annuals set up.  We like to schedule the meetings over the whole year's time, and right now for the next 12 weeks before Christmas we hold a Tuesday, 10 am meeting every week.  The individuals usually get pretty excited when it is their turn.  We've been sick for so long that the other Q was doing some of the meetings.  This is something the individuals on my Caseload were noticing.  We're like a favorite person to most of them!  Yesterday they were like, "When is it my turn?  When is it my turn?"    

After a very impressive meeting (the individual was happy), there were papers to organize, signatures to gather, an copies made and distributed, but after that ... we didn't sit on our laurels.  We jumped into the next task!  The CARF work seemed very quiet and welcoming.  It gives us 94 problems (like math word problems).  We have a self imposed deadline to finish by Saturday the third section on processing business information.  The question we're on is a three parter.  We've figured out it would be more professional to make computerized flowcharts for all of the Center's systems, then follow that up with documentation.  Tough, but challenging! 

Our Selves Becoming Stronger

During yesterday's session with Dr. M., we had brought in the I Ching book that had been written in '87.  It contained, among other things, about 18,000 real questions that had been going through our brain.  

We came across old memories of when life had been very difficult.  In '85, we were terribly worried for our son Jacob (1 1/2 years), who had gone through a terrible near death experience, we'd been physically attacked by our then husband, and we'd  suffered our first adult nervous breakdown.  At the time, a doctor had thought incorrectly that we were to be manic depressive.  This kind of misdiagnosis was common of that period.  

Yesterday, Dr. M. mentioned something of kinetic energy and emotions, maybe more directly of anger.  Since then, our resident physics expert, River Bank, has explained the basic nature of this kind of energy.  There hadn't been time in the Dr. M. session, but to have left a good marker.  We bless River Bank for not only being so smart, but for being such a dear and wonderful friend.  

The point being, with Dr. M. there was much more talk of what our Dear Heart might know and have had experienced.  Dr. M. suggested and we'd agreed, that she might be more aware, but had taken a familiar back seat to the parts.  The external safeties thought to have been in her life had again collapsed.   

We're unsure of who all wrote that book.  We don't know whether it was Dear Heart exploring the different parts of herself, or whether it had been the parts becoming better familiar with each other.   For now, the important thing is ... that the thoughts and feelings were captured on paper and at present we're better able to explore critical points in our life.  There is safety.  

Whatever it is that we're going through now, maybe what will remain is a knowledge of how very strong and resourceful we actually are.

Gentle Brook's Kitties in Route

This entry under renovation...

Waiting for Gentle Brook to fix captions onto her animals!

Just Up Thinking

We're still thinking through the Dear Heart situation.  Part of the reason we're writing is that it helps us organize our brain.  The other reason is that we're thinking that Dear Heart can maybe do enough on the computer to read our words.  We're not sure.

Computers and us have gone back a long way, although we haven't seemed able to catch up with all skills by the standards of someone in their 20's.  We figure if we really need to know something, we can ask one of the three boys.  They all are into serious gaming, programming, and they use computers extensively at work/college.  We get around ok.  Hmm, almost 20 years?  We learned to type quickly in 1973, started college in '77, and took a need to parent break in '80.

Hmm, a mind puzzle.  Let's see ... Our first personal computer in '82 was a little Commodore for $300.  By '84 we had gotten an Apple IIe.  It was used primarily for business.  In '85 we started therapy with Dr. C. and became aware of age regressions and having an abuse history.  In '87 we wrote a thick book of questions asked of the I Ching.  In '88 we got an IBM PS2.  Most of those years the computer was used to learn outside work.  We were diagnosed with MP in '90 by Dr. W.  For the first two years of psychotherapy we wouldn't talk to him directly.  He sat next to us at the computer while we typed/communicated our thoughts.  In '94 we had an IBM with OS/2 Warp and Microsoft 3.11.  We were also one of the first million AOL users.  We lead a chat room for Abuse Survivors.  We went back to college to finish the psych degree '97-99.  We were journaling, emailing, and IMing with the boys and Forest Path.  In '99, we bought a Compaq laptop and started seeing Dr. M.  Lastly, in '01 Tanner bought this Dell Laptop with XP for us.

The point here ... maybe Dear Heart has been keeping up with her life of having parts through our writing on the computer?  

Executive Committee Meeting Minutes

We started the morning without having coffee.  We read journals and tried to understand them, then we slept 'til lunch, ate, then went back to sleep until about dinner.  Again, we ate.  Then it is now.  It seems like the system has been somewhat down.  

There is always the stress of work ... but, it's not Monday.  

It seems, we have jumped from being a big fish in a small pond, to being a small fish in a big pond.  The things that we'd seen as most important aren't the same as what other multiples see as most important.  Or is it plurals?  Not sure of the smallest of details.  It is causing us to question ourselves.  And with that doubt comes negative feelings of ourselves and our experiences.  We have to stop this now!  We need to be able to explore without submitting to irrational fears.  We need to choose strength! 

Our newest friend has said that, "it is interesting to see how we handle things from our perspective."  Thanks Andy.  This comment has helped quite a bit.  

We seem to be working through another situation, in that Dear Heart has been out for good periods of time, especially today.  We have known her to spend quite a bit of time on the couch sleeping.  We also believe she is she is having difficulty leaving the house and the one eating our meals.  Getting past the frustration of feeling so repressed, we need to best support and encourage her growth and understanding.  We understand this directive may feel outdated to others in the multiple community, but it is where we are at.  We're not quite sure why, though the saying, "A chain is only as strong as the weakest link" comes to mind.

The three things, work, new multiple community, and Dear Heart are a lot to be handling.  But, we grow stronger each day and have good supports.  Jamie ended the meeting with, "And, get the damn coffee!"  To which the proper response is to <giggle> and say, "Yes, dear!" 

It's Nice to Meet You ... Please Stop By

Today is a different sort of day because we're aware that this journal entry in AOL is also being read in our new journal at LJ and by a community that seems really nice.  We're very excited to be here and look forward to your comments.  We haven't figured out yet how to post on the "Most Recent Entries" part, but we've seen that our regular entries are going to the "Friends" part.  Pretty neat!  

We spent some time going over some of the most recent entries in the community.  Lot's of reading yet to do in figuring out who every one is and figuring out what's most important to each system.  We wanted to introduce ourselves a little before we barged into commenting on things.  We've been online journaling only since the 22nd of August, so this whole experience is pretty new to us.  Most of our writing has thus far been shared only by other readers who are new to MP.  

We'd like to be able to ask a few questions of things that we've thought of.

1) Do your "systems" hold regular jobs, and if so ... how is that going?  Is their cooperation in doing one external job, or is most the work being done by just a few parts?

2) We are working on our own belief that we have a core and she holds our one soul, we realize that every system is coming from a diferent place with this and sometimes (to us) this seems a little threatening because the parts have handled so much of life and we don't want to give it up (hate the thought of integration), but are those there of you who've been able to adapt to having a core with some good potential to the system?

3) We've had some really good experiences with two of our psychiatrist (total of 11 years work) and they've handled both meds and psychotherapy and in fact, the first one was the one to diagnose the multiplity.  Are there others who have had really good experiences with therapists(ies)?

Thanks for your patience of us!

Ayn

Corey's Summary of a MD Day (3)

We've been introduced to Live Journals today.  Jamie and Henry were out for most of this, but they've left "leftover tension."  The reason that we are double posting there and AOL is that we wanted more exposure (good or bad) to the community.  We feel we are missing that.

It sounds like they are much more up to date than we are and very smart.  We browsed and found a  community talking about soul(s) and cores to their system.  Thinking though that there isn't quite an agreement.  Lot's of different opinions.  Pretty cool actually!

We had a hard time concentrating on work again.  There was an Administration meeting.  This is just Sr. Tess, Forest Path, the other Q and us.  We tried, but we were triggered several times by the rude, loud noises of the other Q.   Ann was out for that part of the meeting.  Then, Sr. Tess handed us the ropes and said to run the CARF part of the meeting.  Ann started us off, but soon Anniemi and Kelsie took over.  Kelsie would introduce each section of the seven questions, and Anniemi handled the dialogue back and forth between us and the externals, especially Forest Path.  He had one "stop all" question, that he thought would trip us up.  Hehehe - it didn't work this time!   We felt pretty proud of us and were complimented by the boss.

The other thing we had in our brain all day, but haven't been able to process, is that there was a long talk with Dr. M. the night before regarding our core, Dear Heart.  Ayn fielded most of that.  There was an end summary that most likely Dear Heart may be around a lot more than first thought.  Dr. M. thinks its possible that she has access to each of us.  It's like she is the stem of a plant and we all are the leaves.  She seems connected to our physical movements and feelings.  We'll have to see ... have the weekend to go over it yet.

Got the Kasies a diet slurpee now.  We're all starting to relax.

Our Reservations Over Joining the Multiple Community

Recently, we went to visit other muliples' "hang-outs."  There are quite a few who journal.  We are trying to figure out what brought us to our first real strong feeling of "fear."  In responce to this feeling challenged, we wrote:

We went to about 12-14 web pages, but don't have the memory to tell you the names.  The things that frightened us weren't necessarily anything wrong in the others' journal entries.  It's just that a lot of them had things that would be fearful for our system.  This would include things like lack of ambition, constant raging anger or self-destructive ramblings, boredom, lack of cohesiveness or communication between parts, feeling a lot of self pity, or a lot of street smart on a rougher side of town ... this kind of thing.

We're tryin to be more secure in ourselves, but we are yet kind of fragile because we find ourselves often adapting to others.  So, we are pretty careful to associate with people who are trying hard to bring themselves forward.  We didn't stay long enough in any one site to look more at deeper strengths of any of the other multiples.  And, we know we should better try to figure out where some of theses people really are.  We figure there is only one real dynamic dual.  Either one is learning, or one is teaching.

We actually have an understanding system, but during our personal time, we look for people who we can share positive thoughts, learn and grow from.  When we work at our Center we care for individuals in need of support.  But, this is more like work.  Although, appreciative of work, we just want to relax and progress our minds some.  The other multiples have as much rights to present themselves as we do.  But, in our free time lives we're always looking for the cream of the crop.  There is just so little time for everything.  No reason to get bogged and overwhelmed.

We're sorry if we seem closeminded, intolerant, immature, or vain.  We mean to be none of these things.  It's just that we've got a lot of work to do on our own personal growth(s).

Our Friends

This morning we woke up thinking that we'd like to include pictures that represent our friends.  This experience of portraying them is giving us feelings of profound joy and happiness. 

One of the things we have realized when placing them all together in one album is that all of them hold qualities that we admire.  With Forest Path it is his strength and effort, with River Bank it is his openess, with Bubbling Stream it is her ability to reach out, with Rosewood tree it is his sense of companionship and giving, with Clear Sky it is her abilities to ground and encourage, and with Gentle Brook it is her combined traits of being strong yet fragile.

These people who are our friends are very attractive to us.  They accept us in being whomever we need to be, yet give us a direction of moving forward.  They each know about our multiplicity, but support us in our efforts to be at our highest functioning levels. 

They each love dearly, are independent, and are enamored in the positive.  They very much live out each day to their full potential.  They are also a very intelligent group of people.  They each hold a sense of widom about what it means to be human.  In addition, they each have learned to give of themselves to others.

My friends are respectful of thoughts and feelings and care about honesty.  They are each able to love themselves, family and friends.  They honor freedom and the right to make choices.  They each hold cabilities and support others abilities as well.  And, each  are responsible for extending their gifts of happiness.

We are honored to be known and cared about by them and we hope the things we give them in return are of the highest nature. 

 

Our World has Grown Very Big

In the morning it takes about 40 minutes in rush hour to drive from the pool to work.  This morning we were driving along and in one of our disassociative modes fell into ecstacy and enchantment with the new pictures coming into our mind(s).  We had been enjoying the recent images given to our friends, but it occured to us that the others in our life could also be expressed through nature!

Macadam is our sun.  Tanner is our moon.  Jacob is our stars.  Lee is our rainbow.  AJ and Abby are our pots of gold.  The doctor's M, W, & L are our air.  Sr. Tess is our clouds.  The individuals we work for are our angels.  The two kitties are our light and dark.  We are mother earth, and you all are a sea of flowers and a bounty of fish!

Maybe all these images we are having of our environment are a little odd.  But, it serves our purposes to always have parallel universes.  It is one of the ways we test our reality, it helps us feel a sense of belonging, and it feels safe to our understanding of self and other. 

We've been thinking too that maybe these thoughts first came to us through Greek civilization, or through Eastern culture, or maybe through Indian lore. 

It is sort of telling.  When we were first coming to this new experience, we had imagined roles for everyone, but at the very end, we'd realized we had not assigned a position for us or you!  But, this came to us too!  We've never given ourselves this much importance, and have come to value that you are becoming a quintessential part of us.

Hmm, surely were a little far gone with this.  Must be something that should be discussed further with the good doc.  What is happening here?  Are we still ok?  Feeling suddenly confused.  Time to let it go.  Dr. M.?? 

A Dr. M. Day

We woke up very early this morning, about 1:30 am.  We are feeling very stressed.  We would have felt better if yesterday we'd gotten to CARF or had directly started the first annual .  We are always gathering information about the individuals, but the work of an annual is focusing intensely on just one individual's progress.

With Dr. M., we usually talk through the week's highlights.  

The boys are all fine, and we got to see Macadam and family this week.  Sr. Tess is good, but coming in more often to talk over agency problems.  Forest Path is centered on his own work load, but seems to be keeping a careful eye over us.  We've communicated to River Bank, Bubbling Stream, Clear Sky, and Gentle Brook about the journal.  They all seem happy that we're writing and they each like being included and gaining a new identity!  We're loving the journal process, but have trouble sometimes stepping away from it.  We're starting to slip on household.  We are having trouble with picking up, swimming, bills and groceries.  Part of that is the shortage of money due to just starting back to work and having to pay for the tickets and boot.  And, we want a cell phone!  Worried a little too over the diabetes.  We're avoiding medical appointments.  It was very hard only having one psychiatry appointment this week.  Oh, need new prescriptions too!

Besides talking about our efforts to care for the work load, the only other issue we'll want to address is that of the changing attitudes (Dear Heart holding our soul).  River Bank is helping the most with this issue.  Indirectly, we are starting to hear his messages of unconditional love.  It is a comfort spreading through our system.  Not sure though if Dear Heart is getting any of these messages.   

We need to focus on being here in body.  We are using a web camera at work to help us accept this reality.  

Working Girl(s)

Today was a Working Girl(s) kinda day.  The time went by quickly.  We started with a 15 minute warm up, then we wrote four monthly Qnotes on one client.  That was finished around 10 am.  Next, we started our work with the annual meetings.  Instead of taking a couple of hours, this project took the rest of the day.  <unhappy face>  We never got to our CARF work.

When we started the annual work, we weren't sure how many individuals were on our case load.  Sr. Tess had taken over the intake work in my absence.  We figured after a while there would be four new individuals on our caseload.  We're at 22 people.

The next step was figuring out when and in what order the individuals need to be staffed.  I had to get special permission from Sr. Tess so I would have no more than one meeting a week.  It takes 12-15 work hours to gather information and type out reports.  It is a very long 14 step process. 

After the schedule was arranged, the schedule was formatted for the 8 other staff.  Then the schedule was formatted for each of the individual's parents or guardians.    

There are some months we didn't schedule meetings.  The month of December is too busy with holiday parties and vacation for meetings.  The month of February is reserved to update the files and regulations book in preparation for the annual state inspection.  The month of April is reserved changes for the CARF survey.  The month of May is reserved for intake meetings and to start working on the Center's Annual report.  The month of June is reserved to be finishing up with the annual report and to be taking whatever vacation/personal time we might have left.  

We are trying not to catastrophize.  We know it is our job to work hard.  But, I have to tell you, this is scaring the hell out of us!   

Our Sense of Unity: A Treatise of Love

Looking over our relationships with our selves and the people in our life we've come to love, the common bond seems to be that each of them is gifted in love.  We've read stories like this in some of the AOL journals we're reading.

When we were growing up, and even in marriage, we faced an essence that was much less respectful.  Our lives included people without boundaries who forced upon us devaluation and defeat.  We see this too in some of the journals.  We often feel the helplessness.  But, we want to convey with our journal a sense of hope through love.  

Even though in an abusive relationship, a parent, a teacher, a friend, or a boss can refuse to share love with you and put upon you evil thoughts, behaviors and influences, they can't cause you to stop loving yourself and your ideals unless you let them.  Sometimes it seems necessary for the individual (no matter what the age) to search out the circumstances that will allow him or her to maintain and nurture this inner core which we believe to be a gift of God.  We are allowed to make the best choices of accepting or rejecting.   And, sometimes it seems that we are so limited in options that the ultimate relationship becomes no more than with a pet we can feed and care for.  But, this is alright too, it is still love! 

Our work is to advance personal development not only with parts of our system, but as well with Dear Heart our core.  We are thinking that as skeptical as she may seem to us right now, she must have always held a sense of hope.  She seems to have sacrificed her time for our time.    

It seems now, the ideal would be to give back.  We can do this with our committment toward selve(s), our friends and family, and with the people we work with and for.  We can also do it through our continual efforts to write.  We're not sure of the direction that our words are going to take us, but we're here to say ... our faith develops with each stroke.  <Smile>

Bubbling Stream

Bubbling Stream is our oldest and dearest friend.  We met in the 8th grade and soon became best friends.  We had lost contact with her for the last ten years.  About seven months ago, she reappeared in our lives.  

Bubbling Stream is a very lovely and talented person.  She is a professional motivational speaker for business', particularly the beauty industry.  She speaks from her keen intuitive knowlege and from her experiences of the heart.  Bubbling Stream values the positive in life and communication. 

We've only begun to know Bubbling Stream in adult life.  She appears to us to be generous and loving.  Her business traveling throughout the states keeps her very busy.  Though when she is home, she is equally busy taking special care of herself, Rosewood Tree, their family and friends, their investment property, their home, and even a stray kitty. 

When we visited, Bubbling Stream showed us many pictures of their wedding and the places her and Rosewood Tree have visited, including frequent trips to Costa Rica to be with Rosewood Tree's family.  When they first met seven years ago, they fell in love.  They soon taught each other their own native languages, and as well, Bubbling Stream now cooks fluently in Spanish!  My understanding is that Rosewood Tree proposed to Bubbling Stream the first night they met!

I don't know where we would have been in life, were it not for Bubbling Streams influence in our younger days.  Bubbling Stream introduced us to a fuller and more achieving life filled with fun, laughter, and a deep welcoming sense of true friendship.  We hope to rekindle that spirit again.  I don't think we'll go back to the dependency days of our initial relationship.  We each appreciate our independence discovered.  

<Giggling>  Now the next thing we have to face is that Bubbling Stream is very honest and concerned in regard to her improvements for us.  We're working on it Bubbling Stream!

Rosewood Tree

We've only known Rosewood Tree for about four months.  He is married to Bubbling Stream.

He and Bubbling Stream allowed me to stay at their home for about ten days.  I found Rosewood Tree to be a very giving, but busy person.  He works full time in the beauty industry as a consultant, he has invested in a remodeling project, and he coaches/plays soccer.  This is in addition to taking care of their home and often entertaining family and friends.  They live on a beautiful acre of land off a lake in a very pretty four bedroom, wood stained cottage. 

Rosewood Tree was first concerned with my being able to understand his English.  Originally, his home was in Costa Rica, but he had just earned his United States citizenship.  Everyone is very proud of him! 

Rosewood Tree is a natural born story teller.  One story was of his younger days.  There was a class project to be helping care for bees.  One day the bees became angry and swarmed around the small group of students.  The kids made it to the safety of a small screened shed, but the teacher fell behind the group.  As it happened, the kids out of fear of the bees wouldn't take responsibility for the teacher.  Rosewood Tree tried to explain the logic of their decision, but he was much teased by Bubbling Stream for not seeing the the teacher's dilema.  We all laughed as it became more evident that neither side could win!

Many evenings were spent on their front porch drinking wine coolers and the mornings were spent around their cozy kitchen table.  Once I came into the kitchen to find the happy couple dancing to embracing Latin music.  In their marriage, they had long since developed means to evenly splitting life's responsibilities.  One could imagine that this left much time for merriment!   

Clear Sky

Clear Sky has a wide smile, friendly laughter, and warm giving hugs!  She is also the friend I will share a beer with!

Clear Sky works with us at the Center and we've known her for four years.  She has a few jobs.  She does the substituting when a DSP (Direct Support Person) is gone, she drives the Center's Van for outings and errands, she helps the regular cleaning lady keep up with the bigger tasks, and she does practical things like replacing flourescent lights, cutting the grass, and painting the shed.  After she finishes her work, she goes to her second job where she is a park program coach for folks with developmental disabilities. 

Clear Sky's home was originally Guatemala.  She came to the United States when she was 17.  She lived with her brother and began to work.  She fell in love a couple of times and had her family.  She has a 19 year old daughter who is in her second year of college, and she has a six year old daughter who is starting the first grade. 

Clear Sky doesn't think her English is so good, but we seem to understand each other.  She teases me for sitting around in my office on the computer all day.  She says, "You gotta get up and do things!"  Clear Sky, can be a tough taskmaster, but she's better at teasing and coaxing.  She wants the individuals she works with to learn useful things.  She also thinks that people should all be treated fairly.

Clear Sky is very dedicated to the people she loves.  She likes to worry over us and tells us when we should be making life more simple.  Sometimes we are at her house for a real dinner, conversation, and a beer.  Then, we will go to the porch and be joined by her mother and husband in watching the kids play out front.  We don't understand the Spanish, but words are not always important.  Clear Sky shows us how to relax and enjoy the bounty.

River Bank

River Bank is next!  The best way to experience River Bank yourself is to view a small piece of his charm, wisdom, and deep abilities to love.  He wrote this passage to us after a moment's thought.  The passage reads like poetry to us...

"Try this, you're being swept down the fast moving river of life.  If you look to the river bank, you'll see me running adjacent to you.  I cannot swim, nor can I speak to tell you what to do.  But the river is not deep, your feet touch the bottom, you cannot go under.  Ahead, round the next bend, or the next, somewhere, there will be a deep quiet pool.  It is there I shall be waiting to take hold of your hand.  I cannot lift you free of the water because I am too weak, and because your burden is great, but I shall hold onto you ever so tightly, never allowing you to go under, til the waters recede, and you are able to stand, safely.  Near as I can tell, from this distance, you're doin' fine, dear heart!"

We met River Bank almost two months ago at a picnic table near where some of our on-line grief group had gathered.  We had lost our parent figures and River Bank had lost his wife, may she rest in peace.  We figured that River Bank was missing her terribly. 

As he expressed himself, we couldn't help but notice his fullness of life, his depth of sensitivity, and his inspired intelligence.  Just awestruck we were!  Hehehe ... I think it took him a few moments to notice us.  As each of the others faded away, he slowed down to realize we were the one still listening as if glued.  <Grin>  He can really talk!  But, his exuberance propels naturally from his heart. 

River Bank lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away, but we feel each new day as if the the outstreched hand from the river's bank is never far of reach ... certainly no more than a few carefully placed keystrokes ... Where Gentle Brook ends our day, River Bank begins the next!  

Gentle Brook

Gentle Brook called us last night right before we were going to tuck in for the night.  We were so happy to hear the sound of her voice!  It has been four days now.  She's doing well and prospering!

Gentle Brook is on a very big adventure!  She and her sister have moved about 24 hours drive by car south from where they had lived.  They moved from a quiet town of about 2,000 to a city that is about 400,000.  It is a very big change.  Gentle Brook's sister had had a job transfer to a much better position.  Gentle Brook was ready to go!

Gentle Brook sounded excited and happy.  She says the new apartment is wonderful and it is about three times bigger than the last one.  And, it has air conditioning!  This is a huge advancement!  There are other amenities as well.  They have their own washer/dryer, dishwasher, and separate bathrooms.  They also have a pool and recreation facilities.  Best thing (I believe) is that there is a good state college only 4 miles away.  Gentle Brook has been working a couple of jobs, but previously she was working on her education.  She is very smart and able with people, computer, and in culinary arts.

We initially met Gentle Brook a couple of years ago in an abuse survivors chat room, but our friendship has really developed over the last eight months.  We both spend a lot of time on the computer and she keeps us good company.  We each have a web cam so sometimes we follow each other's day.  It gives us a great sense of comfort to have her near.  

Although I'm old enough to be Gentle Brooks mother, and we sometimes worry over her like the daughter we never had, most often we are more equal in interests and abilities.  I love her dearly and have missed being in touch.  Soon though, her computer will be up and running and we'll begin to hear how her new life is unfolding.  Just such a terrific young woman...  Shoot, now again the tears.

The Names of Our External Loved Ones

For anyone who has already been to our site, we apologize.  We've made some changes to our basic structure.  A kind friend has pursuaded us to not give out quite so much identifying information.  When we started, we hadn't expected so many journal visitors, but so far the meter reads 700.

Initially we were afraid of losing our loved one's identities with name changes, but with literary license in hand and hopes of being better safe than sorry, we have chosen to comply.  It actually was great fun to rename the people in our life.  We did something that we hadn't seen before.  Six of the names, that of our dearest friends, were changed to reflect their characterstics along nature's sight.  It might seem strange at first, but we think it may help to transplant our mind(s) set.  We thought too that if the people's names we mention were ambiguous, the names would more easily be adapted to represent the characteristics of some of your loved ones.  We also changed the color format to be more reflective of the nature we so love to see, hear, and touch.   

To give a small lesson on "characters," the doctors M, W, & L will maintain these initials.  Dr. M. is our current psychiatrist, Dr. W. is our former psychiatrist, and Dr. L. is our former professor.  Macadam is our oldest son (22), Lee is his wife (22), Abby is their daughter (2 1/2), Tanner is our middle son (21), AJ is his son (3), Jacob is our youngest son (19), and his best friend is Aldan (18).  Sr. Tess is our boss (70's), and our friends are now Forest Path (50 male), Bubbly Stream (43 female), Rosewood Tree (30 male), River Bank (62 male), Clear Sky (44 female), and last, but not least, Gentle Brook (20 female).  Kitties stay the same, Missy and Chief! 

We also changed the name of our core person not only because she was the one holding our given name at birth, but also to reflect a change of feelings the system is beginning to have toward her.  From this point on ... she will be called, "Dear Heart."

Thanks for understanding...