Tuesday, November 30, 2004

17 More Days to Go

Good morning ... Hi ... not sure about what we’ll write about this morning. I figure we’re going to drive our most faithful reader bonkers if we don’t figure out how to write something positive!

Hmm ... How about ... did you know the flowers we received a week and a half ago are still beautiful? They are sitting directly in back of the computer and rise over the top of the screen as if to shower our space with pretty purples and yellows and greens. :)

See we can do it! More? Oh... Well, let’s see. Coffee is good today! That always counts. And, all considering I’m feeling in a fairly good mood. I’m not sure what happened with Dr. M. Yesterday, but it’s safe to say, he usually helps more than our hurts. Ohh, and it didn’t snow last night! That’s good for people who don’t like shoveling out their car :) We have to figure in time to feed our baby some gas. She really likes that. We’re eating a juicy apple for breakfast. Nothing wrong with that! Oh, and the cats have stopped staring at me. That feels better. See, we can do it ... just its ... hmm, no complaints.

We’ve been sitting here for about 12-15 minutes trying to figure out something else positive. If I continue at this pace ... nothing will be put on paper this morning. Can’t I please just talk freely? Ahh, yes it is our journal! Pshwoo ... There is something I’d like to write down just for a marker. Ever since the weekend, my right hand has been bothering us quite a bit. I don’t know if I did something wrong to it, or am starting arthritis there too, or carpal tunnel, or something else? It’s especially hurtful over the back of the hand and centers on the knuckle of our first finger and where our thumb rotates. Not so bad I can’t type, but it is enough to make me think twice. And, it is hard to grasp things like the steering wheel or a cup of coffee. There, that’s all I want to say about that ... just wanted to leave a marker in case come that January 3rd doctor appointment, it is still bothering us enough to register a formal complaint. Hmm, wondering if my brace would help from the last time we had a problem with it. Quite some time ago. Hmm, found it. It helps, but is sure awkward to be using. Maybe we’ll test it out for a couple of days.

Yesterday there wasn’t too much serious work that was getting done. Sister needed us up front for awhile. The secretary has been out for over a week and there seems to be a backlog of work that is necessary to be found and pulled from her computer. Things that usually happen each month. Took awhile for us to find it. Then the printer jammed up so that took a while too. Then toward the end of the day my client with the most problems was acting up again, so I had to spend time there. In general just had a terrible time getting things done. I did find our short list of tasks written on a sticky note on my desk. I was able to get three things done, but they weren’t the hardest on the list. Just seems like some days, we are de-skilled in whatever it is that we do. It was one of those days.

In noting the secretaries calendar yesterday ... we discovered there are only 17 work days before the Christmas break. We go through the 22nd. Pretty decent. At our work, we get holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas off with pay and this isn’t counted against the 10 regular vacation days we get each year. It’s a real perk. So, we’ll have 11 straight days off ... Yahoooooo! I think after this last break, we should be taking home some work to keep us busy. Most likely the Qnotes. I would like to dedicate the whole month of December to them. Sure be nice not to have to worry about them, especially with the State inspection come February. If I could get up through December taken care of then ... I wouldn’t have so much problem with the Annuals that will come up in January and February. I’m actually doing much better than last year, but not as well as the years before. Hmm.

Well, that’s about it for one morning. Not soooo much negative. Still need to work on it. We can consider this a short notes day.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Some of the Bad Stuff

Morning ... Feeling a little intrepid here this morning. We’ve been at such strange places with our thoughts and emotions over the last four days. Last night we settled down finally after about 4 pm. We watched football, napped, saw a few minutes of 60 minutes, then CBS crime show, then some of the movie before falling asleep. Tried very hard to just relax. We were still up and down checking on one thing or another, but settled down enough for the kitties to find us. I forgot to mention also that between breakfast and writing our friend stopped over for a little bit. He had just finished dropping his son off from the holidays. That was very nice.

Right now we’re very concentrated on ... it being a Dr. M. Day. We thought yesterday about canceling work this morning because it felt too much. But, now I think as long as we can get out for the appointment that we should be able to find our way back to the job. I can imagine its about the same for a whole lot of people off this last four days. I feel kind of stuck now in our thinking. Various thoughts have been going through our mind, but none feel particularly worthy of a whole paragraph of thought.

There is one curiosity this morning that also appeared in our early morning dreams. My peer at work, the other Q had surgery over the last couple of weeks and she should be back this morning. She had done the gastric bypass. We’re very much hoping all went well with that and look forward to her losing the weight she dislikes. I have to admit though feeling jealous. Please forgive me Lord! I am proud that she set this in her mind quite a while ago and did everything she needed to to make it happen. It feels a little extreme, but health wise, she’s probably earned many of her years back. The other thing that appeared in our dreams was that we were very sluggish, but it had been our responsibility to assist a foreign class to be learning English. The Professor was also foreign and had thoughts extremely different than normal. Just we were muddled up could barely lift our arms. Schwoo, thank goodness it was only a dream.

The whole thing gets us to be thinking medical again ... We’ve taken notice that it will be less than a month before we’re off again for the Christmas vacation. And, less than that we’ll have to return to the surgeons office. I have this nagging feeling that we aren’t in physical shape to be handling all that. But, we’ll have to wait. I’m thinking there is probably no way to get it done as fast as Christmas vacation, because we’re guessing we would have to go through the anesthesiologist again. I think that my diabetes being a bit out of control isn’t going to help much. We’ve been having a horrible time with sweets of late. We’ll pass on sharing the gory details, but its not good. At least there is a couple of weeks more before that all has to get found out. Still have to get to the part of needing to be examined. *Whimper*

Ok, ok ... enough of that ... There’s a new thread with Dr. M. in that, we’ve decided he is being much more aggressive in his treatment. Before, he was much more apt to change subjects with us when we indicated that things were becoming hard. Now, he seems more likely to get into a hard thing right away and stick with it like a schnauzer with his favorite squeeky. There’s this one point in our mind that’s been happening over and over again. It’s kind of like we go in, have this struggling point of not knowing whose going to be there of our parts, then someone will come out indicating an area of concern and it seems like we keep hearing from the Doctor him settling in his chair and saying, "Ok, let’s go there!" I mean the explanation point explicitly. There’s next this feeling of being trapped, again the *Whimpering.* It’s not that he isn’t nice about it, but it seems more serious as if we’re going to be walking a certain plank.

While it is true we want to stop the anxiety ... of whatever is "hot" that day, there seems to be more an awareness that it is going to hurt before it gets better. If he were here now, he might be saying something like, "What is it that hurts?" Then we might squirm in our chair as we realize we have to then next allow ourselves to feel that hurt to explain it. That means sometimes having to allow other parts come out who are feeling pained directly. At that point, one has lost "control" over the session, because the rest of it is between that part and Dr. M. We know he doesn’t mean to upset, but if we need to be upset to get down to the basics, then we know he is going to go there. Kind of stuck like feeling, "Damn!" I don’t think we take enough anxiety pills to cover this. It’s like sitting in a game of poker while knowing that whatever cards you have and calls you make, you know the other guy is going to say, "I call/check you and raise you ..." Sometimes its pretty tense. He seems a mastermind of the game.

Sometimes we see him going in a particular direction ... Like lately, he’s brought up a couple of times with Casey having had sat closer to him ... meaning on the same side of the room. We get these feelings of terror that seem to be coming from more places than just Casey. Somehow we are all wrapped in the suspense of knowing that one day that whole business is going to have to be dealt with. We’re talking serious investment of maintaining a fierce boundary for over 5 years. It’s pretty embedded into our psyche that space be maintained. We can already feel our eyebrows scrunch up and that double warring factor raise up thinking we should trust him, but we don’t trust ourselves. We’ve seen this before where Crystal is forced out and she exhibits in a manner that she’s physically ajar hitting out and kicking as if trapped in the freezing water under a block of ice.

Shoot, shoot ... that’s enough of that ... it scares the hell out of us that she might be present. Dr. M. has never challenged that barrier though many hospital nurses have. The results before were that we always ended up in restraints. For years and years, we’ve had to fight against the images of doing damage to Dr. M’s office space. We’ve played it over and over again in our heads. Would he reasonably just back off until she tired, would security be called, would he try handle her aggression himself?

We know this much about ourselves ... that Crystal has come out in the situation of being "manhandled" by those in the medical field and during sexual relations. We can explain from our view point that she gets physically and mentally out of control, but we don’t want to have our theory’s tested. I know, I know ... perfectly safe woman, right? Shoot, she even has a loving Granddaughter ... Let me say this once and for all ... there can be no situation more terrible than being in restraints. They leave you terrified and powerless all at the same time. I think most people who might one day read our journal might wonder how bad could it be? After all its just a matter of keeping hands, arms, leg and feet held down in one position. But, we know its worse than that because everything inside you is still moving either in anger or fear. There is no way to protect yourself, let alone scratch that nose that starts to itch.

I know reasonable people don’t have to think of these things. But, here lays the key ... we aren’t all soreasonable as some others. It seems pretty clear in our mind that we’ve been held down before ... shoot, shoot ... really don’t want to go here ... stop, stop, stop. There’s no form of safety for this. Sure, sure, we have NO problem being forced to lay still for physical examinations. Oh dear now the flashbacks. Really, really need to change spaces here.

So ... did you catch that Minnesota Vikings game yesterday? Whoops ... look at the time, we gotta go! Another sip of coffee, one more smoke ... sure why thank you!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Summary of our Vacation

Morning ... We’re going to try not being too discouraged here. Again, we need to apologize for a poor communication yesterday.  We had been doing pretty well in the morning, but by mid-day, we seemed exhausted in any possible good opinion of ourselves, to the point of being almost downright mean. To make matters worse our son IM’d 20 minutes after we posted the last communication. We had just gotten to the part of laying down. Within moments we were so upset we broke off our chances of meeting him, his family and my younger son over the weekend. We then disconnected and became hysterical for about an hour. The next 3 hours was spent trying to figure out what the hell happened and correcting errors that were made, then the rest of the night was spent absorbing ourselves into PBS TV before finally falling asleep. There were a couple of musical programs.

We know we’d gotten it to a point that we could finally let it go ... talking to a friend and writing to Dr. M. helped, as did communicating with my son better the second time over the first. This morning there are different parts out and we need to try figuring it out once more. We need to condense it to a point our mind can handle it. There are a few reference points to follow-up on. It won’t be an all day project, because on the positive side, arrangements were made with sons and granddaughter to go out for breakfast at 9 or 10. It’s about 10 after 7 now.

WHICH reminds us ... we’ve taken a shower, but haven’t taken morning medicine yet ... Better do that right away. I know I keep inserting that message into the body of my entries, but we really are working on not avoiding the medicine. Seems like when we get upset, the thinking goes, "I don’t care." See this is part of self-destructive thinking. Then all of us reach unstable points. The medicines have that great an affect over us. There are ten of them all told. Unfortunately, there is that rebellion point. *Sigh* for now its just a matter of walking into the kitchen. Maybe better to think, we can take care. Excuse me.

Ok, ok ... got everything lined up ... let’s see what we can do. The first thing is to sit us behind a roaring good fire in the fireplace. It’s a little chilly out there at 37 degrees, cloudy, and winds up to 30 mph.

Ahh, that’s looking better. Let’s try to keep this simple and concise.

Thursday, Thanksgiving 11/25/04 @ 10:30 am

Listening to parade. After some pleasant thoughts, we recalled the day before we had talked to Dr. M. about medical problems and that had triggered a regression to younger parts who were terrified of doctors and being looked at. There were self-destructive thoughts. We became confused and Dr. M. was called, "A witch." We knew this was a projection of how we’d felt about ourselves (and mother) and decided to let it go and lay down.

Thursday, Thanksgiving 11/25/04 @ 7:38 pm

Wrote Dr. M. an email stating we were depressed and for 2 hours were actively self destructive. We felt alone and had started drinking. We were crying and trying not to do something dumb. There had been trouble with sleep the night before. We were conscious of not wanting Dr. M. frustrated with us, to disconnect from us, or call 911. We instead chose again going to bed.

Friday, 11/26/04 @ 9:15 am

Dr. M. wrote back affirming we had had a bad day. He connected that the bad feelings of the day before might be influencing the desire to be self destructive. He was glad we hadn’t acted on those desires. He reminded us that there were people to talk about things at this time and that there were those who would be able to understand and validate the previous experiences. He encouraged spending time with people and confirmed appointment on Monday, 11/29/04 @ 8:00 am.

Friday, 11/26/04 @ 9:18 am

We completed and posted an entry conveying that we were feeling bad, closed down, and cranky. We did not want to be bothered by anything or anybody. We decided to refuse taking morning medications and stated angrily not all our parts enjoyed the holiday. We were angry about an expectation that we be more friendly and discussed crazy people carrying guns and driving over ex-husbands. We didn’t want to be coaxed out of the bad mood because we didn’t want to care. We were angry at Dr. M. forhaving had such a tough session the night before the holiday. We blamed God for our feelings of rejection and abandonment and felt alone until serendipity provided a nice card from a friend, an email from our doctor, and a visit from another friend. We concluded we needed a nap.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 6:03 am

We wrote another entry and was apologetic for having been so angry the day before although confirming the anger had been real. We concluded that we should trust people are available even if not immediately. We were confused as to the boys not having called yet to share a holiday meal and we were embarrassed for being so emotional. We had had a good experience with our friend who had come over, had enjoyed a fun movie and were looking forward to two more days off. We had made a decision to visit journals and be more involved with people.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 12:13 pm

We wrote another entry which was very short. We’d been overcome by negative feelings and had to stop reading journals. We had summarized our journal writing and had decided about 15 terrible things about us and our writing. We were confused over what to do about this without over worrying or panicking. We concluded that we should 1) be nicer to ourselves, 2) encourage thinking other than black and white, and take a nap.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 12:38 pm

Our oldest son IM’d just after we’d laid down. He was looking to confirm a meeting time, but instead met with our anger. What we heard was that he or his brothers had not made us a priority for two and a half holiday days and that he was yet unsure of arrangements. We were also angry that it appeared that we wouldn’t get quality time at my home (within budget), but would be meeting briefly at an expensive restaurant. We had told him we were hurt, without telling him why. We canceled meeting until after the holiday and pretty much implied he and his brothers were driving us crazy. He wanted to let us know he cared, would like to help, and that he and his daughter loved us. But, by that time we’d already started sobbing and had to let go so as not to confuse him further. Parent/child roles were confused.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 1:05 pm

An email was started to Dr. M. We were beside ourselves and sobbing/yelling hysterically. We wanted to know what we had doneto these sons to deserve this kind of anguish. We immediately began having self destructive thoughts again, felt our heart was breaking, and questioned are value to them. We hadn’t wanted to be needy, but was particularly stressed with the younger two boys, one of them who has not allowed contact for over a year. We couldn’t figure out why they were being so distant and mean in our regard.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 1:42 pm

IM’d with a friend who understood the general situation and relationships involved. He was able to help me understand that I was misunderstanding a few key factors. He confirmed we had not been put high on priority list by boys, but they weren’t trying to hurt us or hate us, that their value of us was typical of children their age (young 20's), and that maybe my son didn’t understand the situation because we hadn’t explained it carefully to him.  We were aware of trying not to burden him with the emotional roller coaster we’d been on over the weekend. Hehehe well, he didn’t actually use these words, but I can figure that’s what was in the works. Our friend also played back for us all the nice things son had said and were missed, such as my son did want to help and that he and my granddaughter do love us.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 2:41 pm

IM’d with our older son again. We apologized for over-reacting and explained that I had felt unimportant because neither he or his brothers scheduled us in specifically for a day or time. He said, "sounds good." and although communication was slow (he was on cell phone), arrangements were made for this morning and it was clarified that they weren’t going to be contingent on the other brothers interest or lack there of. We also conveyed that our money was short and we could only pay $40 toward the meal.

Saturday, November 27, 2004 @ 3:10 pm

Started to conclude original email to Dr. M. We explained that our "crises" was over, but that we had questions remaining that we wanted to talk over with him. We didn’t understand why we’d become so emotional and self destructive, or so near to a sense of craziness, particularly since it was on the part of our son and us basically a communication gap. We concluded that we’d walked into a victimization role with our sons in that they were hurting us. This was seen more of a projection and role reversal in that we responded to them as if they were OUR parents and us the child. We were reliving expressions of hysteria, anguish, worthlessness and self destruction. We asked more questions such as: Don’t I mean anything to them? Why are they doing this to me? And, is it ever going to stop? The conclusion was that I introjected the "poor mother’s" psyche projected fro her child screaming inadequacy?

Sunday, 11-28-04 @ 4:56 am

Again, we had an opportunity to talk with one of our friends and we discussed negativity, depression and circular thinking. He had thought the pain felt allowed a certain amount of comfort, where we thought maybe we were just more familiar with pain, not necessarily comfortable with it. We tried to distinguish the differences dependency and trust, thinking the first much closer to vulnerability. The terror we felt in dependency is what made us overwhelmed and vulnerable. We compared ultimate escape to the crazy feelings, hysteria, suicidality, and hospitalization. We didn’t want to accept we were voluntarily working toward frustration, though could admit our strivings could be affected by dependency. We were reminded that the more often the "AHA! Experience" occur the more positive we would become and the knowledge learned would be internalized and guard us against the negative thinking. The awareness would lead us to positive choices that were healthier. Depression was seen as giving into the negative thinking. It was unknown how Casie and Annemarie was being affected by all this.

Sunday 11-28-04 @ 6:17 am

In response to the last entry, we agreed not to pick on or target negatively our previous thoughts. We weren’t ready to believe yet that it was our evaluations that allowed negative thoughts, if this was true, then shame on us, but otherwise thinking (intellectualizing) had served our safety needs in being around others. We accepted the equation of negative circular thinking as equaling enveloping mental pain. We were not taught in childhood how to block negative circular thinking, it would have required some devotion to our thought patterns by family. We switch parts often to avoid confrontations and to receive attention. We don’t seek pain though it is favored as a coping mechanisms rather than lose our sense of control. We would favor trust of other over dependency. We think of being dependent as being vulnerable. Unfortunately, we have in our past been forced to become dependent on abusive people.

Sunday, November 28, 2004 @ 3:21 pm

Breakfast turned out to be fine.  It gave us a chance to be with older son and his family although the time ran short.  We only spent 75% of our allowance and our grand daughter remains adorable.  Afterward we tried to finish up on our thought summaries, so we could more carefully look at it.  This was mixed with the fact we napped in our chair with football in the background.  This summary might not be significant for anything, but the fact that we can be hypervigilant.  *Sigh*

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Mid-Day Snooze

Hmm ... We’re taking a reading break. Begun to think on the negative side and that’s not good when you are out there on the road. One of the problems is that in my evaluating and summarizing I read a few of my journals. Think they are terrible. I worry and work too much, am too emotional, obviously we’re a dependent mental case, nonethesless one who is depressed and angry, disclaim too many things that I ought not, poorly self motivated, cats have taken over my life, and we produce a tremendous amount of immaterial details as well as being materialistic ideals. At least this is what I get from reading last ten entries. I’d like to think that we’ve the makings for being a good guy, but you couldn’t sell that bridge to me today. From the next journal I added that we are brooding, complain a lot, feel misunderstood, and certainly am a horrid housekeeper!

"Oh Lordy, now what are we to do!??" She say's trying her best not to sound worried or panicky.  We need to work on an attitude change before going any further. We’ll try to do it succinctly.

First thing that comes to mind is that we ought to:

1) Be nice.

2) Encourage thinking that’s other than black/white.

3) Take naps.

Ok ... being nice ... we’ll start off by getting some fresh water, think while doing so that water is nice, not good or bad, and we’ll lay down under fluffy blanket, breath deeply and relax ... having a meltdown.

Best Foot Forward

Good Morning ... I want to say sorry for the entry the day before. We were angry and didn’t know what to do with it. Things have calmed down now. This is not to say we aren’t going to get angry somewhere down the lane. We’re trying to take care of the feelings from our different parts as they occur. The anger was real. It’s just that it may be bothersome for those who don’t know us and stop by thinking its going to be another casual read. I think it comes down to abandonment issues on this one. Being left out of the holidays and facing childhood monsters combined past hurts with present. The biggest difference this time is that in reality we’re not as alone as we once were. True people weren’t immediately available, BUT they were just around the corner. Instead of trusting that, we further isolated ourselves. It happens very quickly and is then soon assuaged. But, in the process we reach very low lows. I think it is going to be ok in as far as it will become a discussion between us and Dr. M. and we’ll try to progress it from there.

I don’t know where that leaves me today ... During the process yesterday, we received an email from our doctor. One of his suggestions was to be around people both 3D and computer if we can. So, we’re going to put on our best face and best foot forward and involve ourselves in the community today and tomorrow. Once out there it is a joy to meeting new faces. I can’t do anything in regard to the boys. They’ll either arrange time to be with us or not. I have to get over my own personal embarrassment for having such a huge temper tantrum the day before. That is what it feels like this morning. We need to recapture the sense that emotions are ok, but don’t need to be run up the flag pole. We’ve never deleted an entry made by any of the various parts, because we feel they are all important to the whole of our functioning. We apologize though for how strange we must seem. Ok ok ... that’s enough of this ... time to move on.

So ... we finished up the turkey that our friend ... brought over and cooked a week ago. We’ve eaten from it all week and have to admit, we’re ready for something else. The next step is to take delight in one of the last fruit cups. This one being a juicy pineapple. This is the good stuff in life. Pre-cut pieces of chilled fruit, especially first thing in the morning when we’re feeling a little dehydrated. Our friend came over in the afternoon and stayed for about four hours. Not all of that was pleasant, but we’d at least gotten to only pouting and were willing to get over that as well. Believe me ... this friend is not only well versed, but very patient with us. It’s gotten to be a process of trusting the situation enough to get to the hug part. Usually then, there are tears that are hugged away and we start to smile again. As soon as the first smile is reached the rest comes back very positively without much time lost. So there was a little playing and then a pizza shared. *Silly grin* Can’t go wrong there!

After that we fiddled around with this and that and finally got to the part of settling down on the couch for a movie at 7 pm. I can’t say we were awake for all of it, but we caught the beginning and the end. It was an Adam Sandler movie where he had received like 40 billion dollars from a deceased uncle. It was as light as seemed to be needed. AND, we slept in this morning to just before 5 am. That’s pretty good for us! :)

So, being the new day AND two more full days before the vacation is over, we plan to as we stated before enjoy our journal world. In the fiddling around last night, we randomly chose a couple of new journals to us to read through. One was from an older male who wrote love poetry to his wife of 20 years. That took us by surprise and delight! I think I’ll always find the process of reading new journals and journals from a few faithful writers we’ve come to know as a very amazing process. We need to sometimes step outside our shell to note how many wonderful people there really are in this world. Would like to find more people I would enjoy visiting more regularly. This last couple of weeks we’ve enjoyed keeping "caught-up" a little better.

With this thought in mind, we’re going to start early and get out on the trek. Couldn’t tell you what we look for until we’ve found it, and we can’t do that as long as we remain planted in just our own little world. For any of you that chance visit to see whose commenting. Thanks for stopping by. It’s not that a few words from myself is as important as the fact opportunity has arisen for us to per chance meet this fine day. Hurrah!!

Friday, November 26, 2004

I'm Sorry

Morning ... I thinking its kind of a dark morning, but maybe its because we haven’t opened the drapes yet. Hold on let me try that. I think. We’re wrestling over the idea now. Someone complains that her eyes are tired. It’s hard to work in a direction that would make somebody else feel bad. In a multiple system it is known as being considerate. We feel sort of like we’ve closed down. I know we are feeling bad, but we don’t want to think about it. It’s like a crabby feeling of not wanting to be bothered by stuff. I know that eventually we’ll have to be happy again, but maybe just later.

I know we’re not doing so good, cuz we’ve been reminded to take our meds. At first it was because we forgot, but by now it feels like rebellion. We just don’t want to take them. Feel angry. Please stop reading this entry if you don’t like crabby. Because we are! Out of 20 parts, you all just don’t get happy all the time! We hear our friend saying to us, "Are you feeling sorry for yourself." "Yes, we are!" So what of it?! Happens. Holidays aren’t good for all folks. Sometimes they are terrible. I’m having one of those kinds of days.

Last night was like this too. We had problems with negative parts wanting to act out. We went down that road a little bit, but then decided after writing to Dr. M. That we should just go to bed. Not a perfect system, but it works. Bottle it, can it and ship it in a box. Sort of like in the Ghost Busters where that green slimy stuff of bad emotions is traveling under the city through the subway tunnels. That’s how we feel. I don’t want you all to catch this flood of poor feelings. For the few of you out there reading ... Maybe today you could go visit someone else? It’s not a good idea to be around me today. We’re not kicking cats yet, but feeling dispirited.

It’s probably not fair that we are writing at all. Our favorite saying is that, If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Today, I feel like I’m part of the problem. Hearing that nagging voice telling me in it’s good Brownie way to put on the happy smile. The next thought is of that Brownie traveling down my digestive system! I don’t think I’ve ever written about being just mad in my journal. I’m being superimposed by the thought, "I don’t care." I know there are some in my system that are teasing ... "Yep, yep definitely regressing!" So what? Do I always have to care? What’s the sense there?

Hmm. For a while one of the cats decided to sit in my arms. He was warm. For a few moments our breathing and thoughts slowed down and the only requirement on us was to pet his soft tummy. Well, it’s not like you have to be mad all the time, but it’s ok some of the time. I think the rules go ... it’s ok as long as you don’t hurt anyone else. There are reasons that suggest why people who’ve been diagnosed crazy should never own guns. That would be me. Frankly, we’re against them, although I made it a point to watch that movie where the incensed woman drives over and over again her husband. Fortunately, we’re not married or kick cats!

I’m not to the point of pouting ... pouting comes after a while when you are willing to be coaxed out of the bad mood. It’s like saying ok, I’ll allow you to help me out here. I’m not there yet. If I were, I might as well take the damn pills. Each holiday we go through something like this. We think we are going to be stronger and more prepared to be alone, but then it comes and you don’t feel able to try the measures you’d put up to safeguard yourself. Over and over again, we get the message, "I don’t care!" Well, obviously we must care about something ... our ex still lives and the cats still trust us. Though one is now looking at us suspiciously. They taunt me with their blackness ... they become shadows in the dark room. They peek out under the drapes to where the light is sneaking in. Curling themselves in a ball, tail wrapped around their body they wonder if they shouldn’t just go to bed. Or, maybe that is me wondering.

But, I think I’m too crabby to just sleep it off. Angry that this mood is taking up a part of my day already. I see a picture of my doctor ... just before he leaves to take his holiday. "Let’s look at that for a little bit." "No, no, no" She screams. Let’s not look at that! We’d been tricked by the party earlier into thinking that the day was going to be spent lightly and frivolously. Should be a law against being serious right before the holiday. I know that if I’m going to be mad, being mad at your psychiatrist is the right point of focus. But, I hear him thinking to himself, "Why is she mad at me? I’m such a nice guy." Apparently, we did not all come to that same agreement. Thinking now of the one who called him a witch.

That’s kind of scary. We hear the word echoing in our mind and know that it is us who are the witch. Casting out a spell on our world and turning it into ice. We refuse to study the word, "Doctor." We refuse to look into the self-destructive thoughts, and we refuse to take pleasure in a holiday, that in its least implies there are things we ought be thankful of. We’re just that darn cranky. I no longer wish to see people. Though most likely it’ll be us burning in hell, not them. What has one thing got to do with another. Today, I think my look would kill. No, I’m not a happy camper.

Why in God’s name does he allow feelings like this to exist? Is this the feeling of rejection? Abandonment? What makes me different and places us on our own to punish our minds and poison the air we breath? It is like a vile stench. Shriveling from its cold touch upon our senses, we lie down submitting to its power. Damn! You’ll not take us easy you devil! To hell with you too! Surely, you wouldn’t, couldn’t survive a nap. Thinking desperately of the enrapture of the soft warm down blanket cuddling our soul. Remembering an image of being left out on the driveway of a frosty cold morn. Fine, fine ... leave without out me, see if I care.

Feeling lost ... alone ...

A card arrives ...

Have a great weekend ... If you’d like, you can.

Loading Picture...   

The doctor writes ... and a friend stops by.

Maybe not so alone. 

Maybe I should take the medicine ...

Maybe the kitties would help me sleep.

I'm sorry ... just tired? 

Let it go ...

I cry but I am not alone.

Here kitty, kitty ...

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Nap Time

"YAWNNNN" Good morning ... I think we’re up, I think! We’ve been up and down sleeping so much this morning I’m not sure if this is just another false call. *Giggle* HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

It is a beautiful day here in the Chicagoland area ... The trees and ground are all frosty white. We opened the door for the kitties yesterday so they could see it. At the time they just stood at the door on the inside of the frame looking out. They just sniffed at the air and the little bit of snow I put on my fingertips for them. With their little tongues they competed for the water dripping from my warm fingers. We left the door cracked open over night and now there are a few intrepid paw prints in the light dusting of snow on our balcony. If nothing else our kitties are a little snoopy! I wonder if they thought, "how beautiful!" Or, maybe just, "how did that happen again?" Hard to tell.

We’ve just filled up our coffee cup and turned on the Thanksgiving Day parade ... even took our medicine! We were back in time to see Ronald McDonald floating by with his 22 foot shoes! Yahoo! Yep, yep ... it’s going to be a very enjoyable day. There’s a football game at noon followed by the Bears at 3:30. Maybe we’ll stay up tonight and watch also Samantha: an American Girl Holiday Special. I’ve always enjoyed a good holiday special ... I kind of live them out vicariously. The boys are with their father and his family today and I’m not in touch with my family of past. Pretty much just the kitties and us. It’s ok, I looked forward to the time this week as being able to hang out here on the computer. It’s my idea of a peaceful day.

To get over our work thoughts now ... just a few notes ... We had a really nice work day yesterday. The first part I refused even to get nervous about. We had an agency rep come in from the State to look at the client books. Fortunately, she didn’t look at Q notes, but the annual work was caught up on my clients. I showed her our fellow Q’s notes too and she had left out work on one of her clients, but that will all be resolved later. She was there for about an hour and a half. We got along really well and chatted lightly as we worked. She was pretty thorough. She had a checklist of all the things she did and didn’t have. I begged off to be the one sitting down finding the information from the files and she did the standing up copying part. Sweet!

One side note here ... She was the one to bring up that other representative who had gotten us so angry that we earned ourselves a verbal warning from Sr. Tess. This rep. just started shaking her head and I knew she knew what we had in this person being a horrible person out meeting the community. This bad rep was one of those kind of people who used every inch of authority over others and was very belittling of people in front of the clients and their family. From what the nice rep said she isn’t like that in the office, but she trained under the bad rep out in the field. She said she dominated one meeting to the point of an hour meeting lasting 3 hours. That’s just not the way its supposed to go. I told the new rep how the bad rep told Sr. Tess how she felt I was angry at her, then she had the audacity to come back to my office to say, "let’s be friends, hug?" Brrrrrrr Just a nightmare. I guess she gets more complaints than any of the other reps put together. Just so happy to be done with her.

Anyway ... we asked her if she wanted to stay for lunch, but she had someone else she had to visit before the day was out. That was the other neat thing about work. We had a big Thanksgiving celebration. One of our donors volunteered to cater a wonderful meal for the center ... Pretty good especially because we’re up to 60 people including the staff. Our friend chipped in by making a couple of turkeys, Sr. Made a very large pan of green beans, and the other Sr. Baked a ton of delicious roles. Otherwise the donator provided dressing, potatoes, cranberries, and wonderful pies! Oh and a huge tray of ham too! This really is our big holiday treat each year. The clients were in very good moods and they were thrilled that after clean-up there was time to dance. The clients just love to dance. They bring in their own music and move whichever means suit them. It is a very happy time!

To finish our day, we stopped in to see Dr. M. That part wasn’t so easy. But, I’m going to have to wrack our mind now to figure out what happened. Hmm. Oh, I know ... it had become a part of our day to make some medical appointments. We’d been goaded into it by one of our friends. It’s hard for us because our memory of what is happening is so cloudy. We had to trace back which clinic we’d last been to and who the doctors involved were. We have a tough time remembering things like this. Turns out we’d last been seen in early May. I guess it had got too confusing to us.Dr. M. Went over it with us last night. There was a family practice doctor person. I’d gone through a few others and I think this last person we liked, but was pretty intimidated by that time. And then there was this surgeon person, and a anethisologist (however that is spelled), and someone that checked out our heart as abnormal ... umm I think a stress test and one of those ultra sound type things. Then we were supposed to see a foot specialist and an eye guy and seek therapy for our arthritis. And, the blood tests ...

After that much of stuff ... we just crashed on the whole medical thing. It was much to much for us so got like blocked out. I never knew the results of all that. I guess the heart test showed that I’d already had some kind of small heart attack in our past. That was enough to blow us away in toto. So now, again the appointments have been made to see the surgeon on December 17th, and the family practice doctor January 3rd. Dr. M. was reading some of the reports that had come out at that time, but we weren’t able to make our mind understand or remember what he was saying. I couldn’t put together so this means this and then that. Then he started asking questions revolving around our terror of being looked at and from that point on, we stayed pretty much regressed.

I don’t know if we’re going to have surgery or not. Really it’s a simple matter ... we have a hernia under our tummy. But, he wanted us to sign something they could snoop around in there. That seemed kinda scary to us too. The regression part put us back to earliest memories of doctors. I don’t want to try to figure that part. It had lead us to self-destructive thoughts that don’t make us feel good. I’m remembering something now ... Casie was being helped to understand where she was and in the process she noted that no one ever sits in the chair beside Dr. M. He reminded her that she had one day. But, then that point gets real confused. For all these five plus years, Dr. M. hasn’t been allowed on the same side of the room or a hand shake. We sit on opposite sides of the room. And, have a terrible problem even taking off our coat in front of him. So, I guess this thing with doctors has been going on a long time. I don’t know ... just a whole lot of confusion right now. I think we have to go somewhere else with our thoughts.

Feeling kinda lost. I think someone called Dr. M. a witch. Thinking that wasn’t verynice.

Hmm, our parade moderators are arguing with a puppet who feels slighted. That’s pretty distracting. I’d rather be looking at the Charlie Brown float. Santa’s coming! Pretty soon now. I’m feeling kind of tired again. Think we’ll lay down.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Let's Be Worth Our Salt

 

Good Morning, good morning.  We figure we’re only going to write a short entry today, because we are at work.  Trying to still clear our mind. 

 

Well, the update on the house has its pluses and minuses.  As it turns out we might be able to buy the house without help from our son.  Which is good, because it turns out he can’t help us.  It’s ok.  We were in contact with the mortgage broker yesterday and we filled out information for a pre-approved mortgage.  He had said for a little higher interest they had a loan especially for people like us without great credit and no down payment.  But, then after getting back credit report, he thought maybe we’d still qualify for FHA.  Not sure.  It’s still going to need going through an underwriter which means over the next couple of days I’ve got to pull some papers together. 

 

On the negative side, a co-worker and us went out to look at the townhouse yesterday.  That turned out to be a disaster.  The place was just half of what was seen in the picture.  There were three windows, no yard, and it was tightly compacted with other buildings which made it look like tenement housing.  We also realized it was all Spanish which is ok, unless you are not Spanish and our friend recognized familiar gang signs from a group of young men standing on a corner of the complex.  UHUH, not for us!  We’ll keep looking and working on pre-approved status.  Maybe in a neighborhood we’re fonder of.

 

Yesterday with Dr. M. and while at work, we were pretty preoccupied in housing excitement.  Today we’re trying to slow it down a little.  Lots of obstacles up ahead and we want to take our time and appreciate the decisions that we’ll make.  Dr. M. put in some nice thoughts.  He had said that most people don’t plan out there retirement so carefully.  I’m not sure how accurate that is, but I know this is the first time in my life I’ve seriously done so.  I had gone along thinking that my kids will take care of me.  But, that’s not necessarily fair.  The other poor option in our thinking was to believe we’re just not going to live that long.  That’s not such good thinking.

 

Ok, ok … how are we going to get our mind back to work?  Yesterday, we had someone from another organization that works closer to the State come out to meet the clients she’s responsible for.  There were about 12.  She’s coming back tomorrow.  I don’t think she does such a careful job getting to know people, so I’m not going to over-worry about her return.  I did not however complete the tasks I’d set up for yesterday.  So, I want today to do three annual reports and one ICAP report.  The general schedule is fairly clear, except if the secretary doesn’t come in again, we’ll have to watch the front.  That’s ok ... we can handle that. 

 

So, maybe we’ll start with that ICAP report first … It’s the easiest and the shortest.  *Big sigh*  I can do this, right?  NO MORE STALLING!  One of the things I appreciated over the weekend was seeing just how important this job was for steadying my life line.  Better feed into it proper! 

 

That’s it then … have a good one.  J

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Dreamin ... Dreamin on a Sunday Afternoon

Good morning ... Please believe me we’re feeling no pain ... and that’s goes to say, yet we’ve not drunk a drop of anything more serious than plain old Folgers blend. We are just soooo into it being the weekend! You know its to the point that I am thinking ... we’re in general a pretty happy sort. Usually, even on the weekdays. Most things go along smooth as long as we get to bed early enough for the early morning hours. In talking to our friend the other day, he made a comment that he can be on his own for about 1 ½ hours - 2 hours, but other than that he generally likes to be around people. We’re just not like that. I think our tolerance for being on our own is more like 3-4 days. We’re guessing given a month or two practice we could surely extend that too! That is 3D people. Computer people are different. Of his variety, I start to miss after ½ to 1 day. Maybe I would be sociologically considered only half socialized. Hmm interesting. Maybe the computer has become my Waldo Emerson Pond.

Yesterday, was a people day, as it turned out. My friend came by a couple of hours early with a surprise. He not only brought beautiful purple and yellow flowers, he brought the fixings for a whole pre-Thanksgiving meal. And then ... He COOKED IT!!! Man-o-man ... just doesn’t get any better than this! It was the most lovely time. While the turkey was doing its thing, we sat in the living room and talked and talked. That is the thing I miss the most. I can let go of the movies, the mall trips, Saturday morning breakfasts, and walks in the park. But, I do love to chat! We were going on a general manner. He was describing things going on in his life and plans he was making ... and, we got in this mood. It’s been a unspoken concern, but of late, we’ve been wondering what’s going to become of us and how one day will we retire?

That point seemed then to take up the rest of the young afternoon. I know that I will never get married again. Haven’t looked for it in a long time. So, that being the case, "How would things work out?" My friend is in general pretty darn smart about how life works. It seemed at first the last thing I wanted to think about was moving again, but he made a pretty convincing argument. Basically, he was saying that we needed to secure the cost of our housing so that we are going to be able to live on a very frugal budget. I didn’t like what he was saying aboutworking past my prime at all as he is planning to do with his umpiring and independent selling of small jobs for the disabled.

I did come to believe and am still thinking that we are going to have to start saving and saving soon. We used a calculator on line and it said that at our income, adjusting all the while, for small 3% increases and the cost of living ... IF we saved about 10% ($350) a month, we would have enough money with social security to last until about age 76. That is a pretty sobering thought. I know we’ll get some kind of pension from work, but I haven’t the slightest how slim that might be. AND, we’re going to have to think through that Sr. Tess could leave the Center one day that leaves our job slightly precarious.

The last thing we were going to need doing is to purchase a place, and after quite a bit of thinking we realized that we should start thinking of getting a place paid for in the next 15 years. Like MAN ... big adjustment here! Mainly there is just no way we’re going to afford rent on this apartment after we retire. BUT, we’re still going to need a place over our head. There are two ways of looking at the expense of our own place. To get it down to numbers that are reasonable for us, we’re going to have to be able to survive on an SS income (if SS is still there) of $2,550 a month. That’s about 60% of what our income is or project it to be in 15 years. So far so good. Next, is to block in our mortgage amount. On a $120,000 house which is reasonable enough for our status in life ... with 20% down ($24,000) at a fixed rate ...the estimated payment for 30 years (until we’re age 75) would be $580. That's like 33% less than we're paying now.  Shoot taxes ... ok that's then like $730 a month or 16% less than were paying now, but at least it wouldn't go up! 

Whimpering ... then there is insurance and maintenance and utilities.  We'll skip all that for now that's what the other income covers, right?  If we were to go 15 years, the estimated payment would be (age 60) $780 ($930 w/taxes). So at 15 years or 60 years of age we would have 0 payments and be able to maintain all of our SS $2,550 per month. Or, at 30 years or 75 of age, the estimated amount would be 21-29% of my income up on ‘til 75. From then on I would be clear of housing expense. Here’s the thing though ... the 15 year option wouldn’t allow me to be putting $350 a yearaside. The 30 year option would allow me to put $350 aside. The difference being I would NEED toput $350 aside by inflationary standards to maintain my present living AT LEAST to the age of 76. After 75 I would decrease my expense by $730 per month. Which would be necessary if I didn’t have any more savings at 78 to depend on.

One thing I would have at 76 is a house that would be worth well over $120,000. That would save me some stress because of something I read about last night called a reverse mortgage. I think that’s what its called. It is like an equity loan (or I could get an equity loan) by taking out monthly amounts up to the resale value of my home. It’s a nice old age quirk the governments set up. If I took a 15 year option, I would decrease my expense by $780 ($930) meaning I’d be living on only the amount of my SS $2,550  without the inflated income, cuz I wouldn't have nothing set aside in savings.  Hmm, Think you can put aside $3,000 a year in IRA, but more in a 401K plan ... should help with taxes along with interest on house ... hmm, I should be putting aside yearly tax return for either car or retirement AND there is always the part of working a few more years.  Be pretty used to it at that point.  Damn, I wish I could write books!

Ok, ok ... that got confusing ... we went back to the retirement calculator. It says at our present income we would collect from SS $27,172 ($2,550) at age 65. If we saved 10% of our income now til age 65, we would be putting away $350-600 ($350 a month this year/$600 last year of work). Let's see ... that's an additional $17 a month more each of the 15 years of saving.  Including 3% raises and 3.5% inflation ... and living 80% of our current income/expenses, we would have enough money until the age of 76. At the age though of 75 our expenses will go down $580 per month plus we’ll have $580 more income. This "extra" money would buy us almost 3 more years if saved.

Let’s say that didn’t happen ... and things are status quo and we’re still worrying about age 76. We still had $580 less expenses, but now our big money of $2550 extra savings income per month stops. The difference being at 76 years of age, we will have no house payment, but we will be living at 53% of our 65 year old income Is that right? Shoot, no car that month! There’s that reverse dealie, but that means we’d be taken away principle on our house at 24,000 a year. That’s only going to extend our life 5 years getting us up to 81 years of age at the current resale value of house, PLUS we will have no house! Maybe we’ll buy a few years though in that the house is brick! Hehehe I think we’ll have to be eating like a bird!

So ... what happens if I want to live past 81 WITH a house. And, what happened to that 15 year deal? Obviously, the thought looked better before than now. Now it seems just that we’ll only have then social security at 65, so we drop to 43% of our income at that age. Pretty damn uncool. Ok, rule out that plan.

What happens if we saved 15% instead of 10% of our present income... Shoot, lost the calculator and can’t find her! From the records though it would mean putting away $515 a month now and $10,800 later which would bring us an 80% income to the age of 85. Seemsgood, but reality? We’re starting to lose concentration with the numbers, especially without playing fun new games on the calculator. Shoot, she sure was a nice toy. There’s some things that make this whole thing very problematic. 1) I don’t have an income to save a lot of money (but we can try), 2) we’re still going to need to buy a car in the next two - three years which gets first savings priority (plus I gotta quit the damn smoking habit!), and 3) To do any of this (secure regular 30 years fixed), I’m going to have to beg, borrow, or steal $24,000-30,000 down payment or do some financing that's a lot more creative.

Well you can’t blame me for trying. I know a lot more now than I did 24 hours ago. Feel motivated to try. And, in the process we’ve read 6 months of Chicago Trib articles on buying real estate. See! Good foot forward! Major thing is ... I gotta keep doing well at work, AND I’ve got to stop smoking and save moola! Sure would help to get the services of a financial counselor. Hmm, there was that lady I met at the ARC convention. I think she works with people and disabilities. Maybe there’s something I’ll need to know for the sake of all that. I don’t know how SSI and regular SS benefits work. Might be worth checking into. Shoot ... might as well throw in here too that I might have more opportunity for a longer life if I could diet and exercise from both view points of arthritis and diabetes. Man ... starting to feel disappointed.

Hmm, before I get off this thread ... do you want to see the place that got me to be thinking? Hehehe Here she is! Sure is a beaut ... simple and sweet! PLEASE NOTE: FIREPLACE!!!

Property Information   External Photo
$119,900

Bolingbrook, Illinois  60440

Bedrooms: 3 Full Bathrooms: 1 Half Bathrooms: 2 Townhouse/Townhome Sq. Ft. (approx.):  1,429

Description :  Expanded upgraded ranch-newer plush carpet throughout- white trim, doors & updated cabinets-white-on-white appliances- 4 ceiling fans-mirrored closet doors-surprising 2nd floor can be third bedroom or in home office-huge walk-in closet-2nd powder room upstairs-full bath on main level-powder room in bsmt-rec rm w/ fp-endless storage-end unit-large yard-great!    

Features:  

  • Basement
  • Community Pool
  • Year Built: 1966
  • Fireplace
  • Living room: 17x13
  • Kitchen: 13x10
  • Family Room: 22x20
  • Master bedroom: 14x10
  • Bedroom 2: 13x10
  • Bedroom 3: 13x10
  • SWEET!

    Saturday, November 20, 2004

    Be Right Back

    Good morning ... good morning ... We’re into the middle of the morning, but just pulling things together. Like we just finished our medicine and am having a real breakfast. Yahoo. Well sorta real breakfast we’re making egg rolls and round potato fries. Mmmm. Just four more minutes! Eh, its what we got!

    The morning’s been great so far. Been Iming with a couple of our best friends. *Sigh* Life’s never been this good!

    So, so ... now what have we? What shall become our day? One things pretty sure. Our 3D friend is coming over about noon. So, we have to kind of structure the day a bit. That’s usually about the time of a good old fashioned Saturday nap! Man - or better than that ... Saturday OPERA!! Hmm, have to figure around this... Eh, nice to have some company.

    Hold on ... eating ... Ahh, was that good. Ok, ok ... concentrate ... we’re not going to need a nap now, right? Sure was good though. The other part of the Chinese meal stuff we had was too expensive for quantity/quality, but the egg rolls were a good deal. We’re impressing the hell out of us for being able to "cook." Shoot, we turn off the oven? BRB Whoops ... we’ll we’re still learning ...

    Ok, now ready for the day ... We figure we have some time left today to get some good Journal reading done. We went through our j-list this morning and eliminated 13 journals. We really lost most people’s interest over the time we were working on the Hall of Fame journal, or in some indescribable manner have insulted a whole lot of people. We weren’t getting out to see people as we should have. Kind of focused on one thing and not the other. So, if your one of the 20 remaining journals ... Thanks for being here!!! While our readership remains abbreviated ... I still like getting out to check up on a few old friends at least once during the week. Long gone the days when I used to read my j-block every morning. And, since we’re not willing to negotiate in style, substance, and length of our work, guess what’s happened is what’s happened all fine and good. Hehe it does give us a lot of journalistic freedom!

    Pretty much how our journal seems to be different ... is for one that when I do write, we get a fairly good amount of time to be doing it. We write on and on in length about whatever thoughts our mind is entertaining. However, I don’t think this is entertaining for most. Not unless, you are interested in reading about the way we think. We probably spend also more time on work thoughts than we ought to for lack of anything more pertinent in our life. We don’t write a whole lot of friends and family, because either its not happening, or I think perhaps I’ll invade their private life and conversations we’ve had. For the same reason, we don’t write a lot about the different people we meet through their journals. Although, given the opportunity, I would like to change this a bit.

    One of the things we like to do the best ... is to summarize. Pretty much sorting through a whole lot of information until you get to those certain "AHA!" moments. Somehow what other people say or have done strike a cord of something you’ve done or thought of or felt and your left there kinda shaking your head, "Uhuh." Sometimes the situation is so completely different from what you’ve experienced, you still find yourself kinda shaking your head, "Uhuh." I think in great part we look for consistency of thought along side the way we think. Such as if you had an injury or illness, would we come to the same conclusions. Or, for the people who are religious are they able to be consistent with their thoughts. Most people never give you reason to doubt their sincerity of whatever they are writing. Most journalists seem to write in a heart-felt manner. So, in reading you just feel like special for being allowed to share that part of their life with you. Like one big communal hug.

    Sometimes I’ve wondered what life would be like again ... without my j-land experience. Then I shudder. I seem to recall staying at work ‘til all hours, because I was afraid of myself at home. I didn’t like my place, and I was down a lot spending significant amounts of time on the couch sleeping, or dragging myself through one television program or another. Now, when I head out of work (at a decent hour), I look forward to turning on the computer to see "what’s going on." Since the Hall of Fame, hmm maybe before that even we’ve been exposed to more than a normal number of journalists. I remember back in like December last year already starting to list people we’d visited in a collection of sorts, not unlike how the Hall of Fame turned out. And, for that short while we worked with John G.’s project looking for award-worthy journals. Found though that it was too subjective on principles we didn’t necessarily agree with.

    In our minds and in our privatenotes ... we still find ourselves rating the different sites. Most importantly was the part that our memory is so poor, we leave ourselves notes. A lot of the rating is to kind of group journals for next rounds. Some days I will hit my five stars, one day I’ll check out the two stars, and some days, I think if I don’t visit an eight star or up, I’ll go looney. I find it interesting that Sue married Ken and they have three teenage sons and a parakeet and live in Waterloo, Iowa. Why this is so fascinating, I couldn’t tell you. But, it’s like, "Ahh, I see. Ok, go on ..." It’s noteworthy to me if a person dances, has a father with ulcers, is hostile, or appears intelligent, and is preoccupied with the death of leaves, or poems. There are consistencies in that to one degree or another people are either surrounded by friends and family, or are not, live with cold or pleasant winters, are part of a larger community, or hang-out just down at the local pool hall. I find things like self-claimed hippyhood interesting and am fascinated with multiple pets. I can hang out with the loners or be captivated by the remembrance of a really fine group of classy people.

    Somehow it all makes my life much more interesting ... Have you ever been talking to a friend and said, "Hey, I know someone with multiple sclerosis, or I’ve been acquainted with people from Jersey! Or, I know this person whose photos ... [Whoops visitor is early ... but that's ok ... ]  So, if for no other thought ... please let me say thanks!  I was thinking of you this morning!

    Friday, November 19, 2004

    Another Fine Day

    Morning, morning ... We’re up early this morning ... something about someone’s cat. Hmm. We were having the nicest dream. We’d just discovered and thought we could somehow market the fact that one could cuddle into one’s soft downy blanket as a pillow and be ever so contented. Ahh, the comforting bliss ... but, I suppose that will have to keep for a while. Please keep quiet about this until we can manage a patent!

    Sooo... how is it going? Been a couple of days since we’ve written. We’d stayed up the night before last, because first our friend had come over after work, and then I had to make a stop over at my son’s place. That was so funny. Apparently, someone’s granddaughter hadn’t caught on to the idea of going to bed yet and she was perfectly delighted to find that her Grandma Ann was coming over to visit. Alas, we knew it had to be a short trip. Poor girl. It sounded like this, "Grandma Ann, please read me a book? Pleeeeease read me? Grandma Ann, won’t you please read me a book?" No one had to tell Grandma Ann that someone’s Daddy was real not pleased about this idea. So, we compromised. We agreed to read just one page. Shoot, the tension in the air between father and daughter was terrible. Fortunately, Daddy’s patience prevailed. And, dear little one agreed to run into the bedroom and jump into bed, because in so doing she would get a Grandma kiss. Man-o-man isn’t that just the sweetest deal! Made me feel important!! It had seemed that all life had lead to this moment. Sweet!

    The friend deal wasn’t so smooth ... In this case, WE turn out to be like the little girl. Apparently, at the time, we hadn’t caught our second wind so there was tiredness in the system. The first obstacle was just getting out of the car and walking up the stairs. Our friend had gotten to our place about 3 minutes behind us. So, there was time downstairs, hmm deciding on what would happen next and what we were going to eat. We KNOW we’re much more social able after dinner then before, but one has to make the transition. Then there was a matter of our shower. We NEEDED to take a quick shower before calming down and our friend had said there was no time to take a shower. Man-o-man, did that not go over big. So, for the next half hour there was a tremendous amount of pouting from perhaps both camps. FINALLY, it was agreed that a quick shower could be expeditiously taken to resolve all the turmoil. Pshwoo, another tense situation. All ended well and both parties were satisfied with the evening there afterward.

    One certain little kitty NEEDED a pet! How exactly does one meet all the demands of life ... hmm it’s a tangled mess that it is. Oh man ... is she being pathetic this morning. I think it has to do with shedding time. She needs a lot more petting than normal. We have her back on the high chair so at least she’ll stay in one place while being petted. Ahh, she’s settled for a view laying next to the computer monitor. Poor thing ... no shame in her asking.

    The next event being mentioned ... Is that we had another appointment with Dr. M. There was more trouble there. Apparently, we’ve stepped into the danger zone again with a couple of us. I’m not sure all of what everything happened, but I know at the end we were being asked the safety questions. I guess now I’m feeling more as we are on alert again. I can’t explain why Annemarie is so depressed, but apparently last night she was making advances on one of the younger parts as an accomplice. That is soooo not a good idea, words could not describe. Trying to sit back here a moment to think things out a bit. Just where are we in this next ordeal. It’s like Annemarie isn’t overly concerned with the fact that most of our life is pretty ideal at this time. Nothing is perfect, of course. But, not a time to be messing up. Our closest thoughts as to why we might be having problems again is that we’re coming up to the holidays.

    The holidays are looking better than not though in that ... we had a chance to talk to our youngest son yesterday. Apparently, he is goin to be in town and would accept an invite either before or after Thanksgiving Day. That day he still has reserved for his father and that side of the family. Every year it is the same. I’m my only family, but on the other side, there are Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, and Cousins. Never was a fair competition. He said though maybe Friday or Saturday. We’ll have to see. Either would be fine. We’ll wait to see when the older sons get back from their travels to see if they are available. I’m pretty sure that the oldest will make some time ... be a blessing if the middle one would be available.

    I think the holidays are hard on us ... because the family situation is so poor. Not every year do the boys make accommodations to spend time with us, particularly the middle son. As far as my family of past ... there is either no contact, or they are dead. Friends are usually with family. Most often holidays are spent very much alone. Very hard on us.

    Otherwise, things are not so bad ... The rest of the discussion is work related. This week seems to have been one with a lot of client problems. Maybe they are feeling the pinch of the holidays too? The situation of the one girl who had stolen has improved. Her sister came in with a better disposition than she had had over the phone. It appears that she will be staying in the program and that her job is giving her another opportunity. I’m not sure how that is going to go, because Sr. Is still upset and at that this point not willing to bend over backward to keep the girl at the work program. I think some families take advantage of the situation of our organization making all the arrangements between individual and work. There has to be some return. It didn’t help that the girl had gone from one staff to another yesterday telling them that the Sr. Had been wrong and they did want her to come back to work. That kind of stuff just doesn’t fly.

    News was good for one of the individuals this week and bad for another. There had been two new job interviews. One got the job, the other didn’t. It wasn’t the individuals fault that didn’t get the job. It turned out they wanted only help on evenings and weekends when we would not be available to help her. She’ll remain in line for the next position open. The other guy couldn’t be more happy. He is going to be a great employee if they can keep him busy. It’s another situation of getting a job at the grocers. We’ve got people at three different store types in this position. Seems as if people with mental retardation have made inroads into the position of bagger. It’s ok. I think the people in our work group should form their own union :)

    The other situations have shown progress ... though not all in a positive direction. The one with the bad fits is now home for a couple of days with sickness and the one with the kissing motivation has been curbed. There is simple rule at the center. No touching! Not that this is widely accepted, but this is the rule that needs to be enforced. It’s not that we are against physical relationships ... just that it can’t happen at the work place and this has to be drilled into their heads for their own protection. We can’t have our clients out there being victimized by their peersor acquaintances. The situation with the girl who had the upset is in a precarious situation. She had upsets two days in a row where there was hitting others, pounding a wall and self hitting. This just doesn’t work at the center. Yesterday, before we left, we called to the girl’s home. I’ll have to present my findings today to the Sr. It’s not a very good situation. The mother talked about hitting at home. I asked if she at least had her own room, or if she had to sleep in the same room as the sister where most of the hitting is occurring. It turns out not only does she sleep with her sister, but the mother also shares the bedroom. To make it worse there is another son at home and the last son is going to be returning home to live. The apartment is very small and they are already on top of each other. Just not a good situation.

    Yesterday, there was another meeting ... for staff training. Since the other QMRP is gone, Sr. Tess has to watch the group of clients as we do the staff training. But, since Sr. had some news to share with staff on the upcoming holiday (turns out someone is catering a meal for all), during her briefing, I had to stay outdoors with the clients. Been a while since I’ve watched them in during their leisure time. The courtyard is pretty big, but not huge. There’s a basketball hoop on one side, and on the other side are two sets of tables seating up to 12 people. Everyone else is sort of roaming. We have a new client now that has boundary problems where she grabs at people, pins them down in a choking hold, and steals others belongings. So, it appeared that most of the individuals have formed some kind of special relationship to her and its not all positive. So, we did all that and assured that people weren’t hanging on each other or hiding in between the parked cars. It was good for me to have gone through this experience, if only for 15 minutes.

    During the training portion of the hour ... we had another session on abuse and neglect. The first part was on things to look out for, the second part was on situations where there was no apparent abuse, and the third part? Hmm, didn’t really get too much further than that. Seemed like in the short time available the staff wanted to talk about situations in and around the center that they’d questioned. It was a very good conversation. I think the group is coming together nicely.

    There is still one staff who sits on the edge. Therest of the group had been talking over some of the behavioral incidents of the week, and after it was almost done, she presented a "what do I do?" scenario of a situation we’d already discussed. It wasn’t with one of her clients, but she’d seen something one of the other DSPs and the Administrator were already handling. This particular DSP was throwing up her arms in despair, because she had thought herself in danger. It’s a tough situation. The girl had hit the wall and she was at least 40-50 feet away. I had thought that the DSP was using the issue to communicate the vulnerability she feels around the clients. She didn’t appear to have any real empathy for what the girl was experiencing, which made me feel put off. I realize as the trainer though that I have some responsibility over this woman’s feelings. Or, at least how her mind gets channeled next.

    To make the situation more difficult, this same staff has come under the complaint of a couple of parents and about 2/3rds of her group. This week, Sister had sent me in the room to observe how she and the group were interacting. The staff has become closed door. In front of the people she serves, she became angry with the individuals who had spoken up against her. She was yelling and belittling them and saying that they would have to leave her group and that she wasn’t putting up with them. I told her that was between she and Sr. Tess and that I was just here to observe and I would sit over in —> this corner. Then the staff yelled if I stayed, that she would leave and I could just "keep" the group, because she wasn’t putting up with that either. Nothing to do at that point of course then leave. No time for a power struggle in front of the group. So, I wrote out my observational report from that 6-7 minutes and deposited with the sister. It is up to her to decide how to handle a staff who wouldn’t "allow" her room to be open. Seems to me she has a safety issue at hand if the group is complaining and there is no accountability from the DSP. Likewise, I will of course report her behavior at the staff training meeting. I think I’d be more upset, except I know Sr. had two interviews this week for a new employee. This leaves my position fairly clear. Keep the staff training at a status quo level.

    Hmm, is that it?

    Wednesday, November 17, 2004

    This Must be a Wednesday

    Good morning, good morning ... We’ve been up for a little while now and did some visiting. Lovely thing to do top of the day. I like sneaking over to folks journals who are still sleeping. It makes me feel like Santa Claus being left out chocolate milk and cookies! Yayyyyyyyy Journalists!

    Yesterday, we had one of those days ... I started to do the work with one individual’s annual, then we soon changed over to finishing up the work with another individual’s annual. Then there was the meeting. The DSP ended up not able to come due to subbing for another group, but those notes we’d typed the night before came in real handy. The meeting was a great success. After that we became involved in the work of one of our clients whose parents are working toward getting him in a group home. He was having a hard behavioral day that needed attention. There was a lot of ranting and pounding on things and shaking his fist angrily. I think change is hard on most folks. Then another of our individuals who works got caught stealing. That was a bad scene that took quite a bit of time too. Then at the very end, I heard that one more of my clients was going off the deep end. She was shouting and hitting herself because her OT therapy had gotten too tense. Please believe it isn’t like this all the time. Hmm, full moon was last Friday ... so, its not that!

    At the end of the day, my desk was covered in paperwork ... it happens when things are happening too fast and I’m not able to put away one file before I’m pulling another file. So, I spent an hour after hours sorting out the notes we’d made and getting the little scraps written out on regular paper that could be filed into the folders. Usually, we are very neat in keeping the desk cleared off so that only the immediate task we are on is out. Otherwise it is apt to drive me batty. It’s kind of funny, but there was an earlier point in the day (before things became so hectic) that we were thinking how wonderful it was to have our office. When I get in mood like this, my writing desk is cleared off and I’m able to see the shine of the desk light on its wooden surface. I can turn to the computer desk and note that the screen saver is on which looks like very realistic fish swimming in a tank. I can hear the bubblers. I take the time to look at the walls to where there are pictures, see objects and books on the shelve, and it occurs how beautiful it is looking out the large picture window to the garden in the middle ofa busy city. And, I think how fortunate I am to have work that is so satisfying to me. I breathe in excitement as I chance the thought that this is all part of who I am and what I do. It feels sooooo good.

    LOL - I was busted by my friend though ... He had come in to sit down in my office at about noon. He wanted to complain about how bad things were at his other job. Always the same thing. His employees are incompetent and have just messed up on another contract which he must now correct and make amends. By that time of the day, we knew of our major problems, but had not yet worked them through. Later we would get in touch with other agencies, doctors, family members, have interviews with clients, staff, and the Administrator. Usually when one thing happens it has a ripple affect and there needs to be a lot of extra communication and a paper trail of all discussions and decisions. But, before this time we were laughing at our friend, we were telling him "overambitiously" that it was easy. I said, "See, we could be overwhelmed too, because we also have problems. But the problems are now on this piece of paper or this other sheet, and now I can disregard the paper, because I’m going to lunch!" He was catching our point, but still perhaps dismayed that I hadn’t taken the time to hear just "HOOOOOW BAD IT WAS!"

    Later in the day, I caught up with him in an IM. I said that it had been a troublesome day and he cut me off reminding me of our previous lecture. Thought HMPF! Well, to be honest, first we thought, "No Fair!" He is not even going to hear what the problem is?? So, we reverted to our ability to actually take care of the problem, which as we said before was merely a point that we had to take care of all the paper trail we’d left on our desk explaining all the problems. You know what? It really did help! There were five client files, our November file and the garbage can pile and when all was said and done?? Everything had a place! Nothing else to really be done at that point. Sure this morning we’re going to have to open those client files and advance them another step. Like maybe write a letter to that doctor that didn’t respond to a phone call, or call that other agency we had just learned of the day before, or meet with the sister of one of our clients, who yesterday was only able to handle a phone call. PLUS, maybe get back to the paperwork of annuals and Qnotes which make up mostof the regular days. But, we still have the option of starting the day by thinking, "Oh what a nice office, what a nice desk, I sure would like to be the one who works here! Oh, that’s right, "I" work here! LOL I know, I know ... we’re being silly!

    One other confession ... I had a hard time after all was said and done maintaining the boundary between work and home and being upset by work. The girl who stole was pretty sure her sister was going to pull her out of the program. After talking to the sister, it turns out that this was a correct assumption. The sister is considering dropping our program. This made absolutely no sense in our head for a dozen or more reasons. Thing was that we’d worked with this girl for five years. And, now that she made one mistake, we were going to throw everything away? Keep her from her peers and opportunities for what? A secluded life at home cleaning her sister’s house? We were and I guess still are infuriated. This girl’s whole life is going to be swept under the carpet??

    Ok, ok ... boundaries. This morning ... pretty soon, we’re going to be out there again. We’ll say, "Good morning office! What have you for us today?" LOL she’ll lay there subtly at first kind of like that icon in the IM window that winks at you sexually. We’ll put our keys in their drawer, hide the lunch on the back of the desk, turn on the lights, open the shades and sit down in our wonderful chair. Maybe today we’ll lean way back and stretch our arms before turning on our AOL. We like to check mail and email right away. Then? Hard to say. We usually look at our notes from the day before and prioritize which comes first, second, and so forth. So, its a matter of doing that, or just waiting around for the first person who shows up at our door. LOL it’s all about the same. Most people start off with "Do you have a minute?" or "Are you busy?" Things like this still make us giggle. "Sure we do, what’s up?" And, very faithfully there are problems waiting for resolution. In all actuality? It’s a beauty of a system ... cuz, after all is said and done. We’re pretty damn good at resolving issues! Yep, yep ... time for another day!

    Tuesday, November 16, 2004

    Another Day Another Dollar..

    Good morning ... Another day another dollar? There is probably some truth in that. This morning we are waking up at a nice time, though up a couple times earlier in the morning. Right now we’re feeling pretty good all told. Tuesdays can sometimes be a bear though. This will be the last Tuesday before January to have the 10 am Annual meetings. I know, I know already thinking of work ... it’s a shame. I think I’m fairly prepared for this meeting. I’ve done my homework and talked to both the DSP and the job coach. This is the DSPs first Annual meeting with us, so I figured we should help her out with an outline. She is the nervous type, but there is not much we can do other than point her in the right direction. We got her to think through what her program is for the individual being served. We also showed her the material we would be presenting at the meeting. We always type it out ahead if time. The hard element is Sr. Tess. Most often you know ahead of time she is going to be rushing through the meeting. Need to pace yourself to her speed.

    Other than that, we have a lot of reports to be writing ... Think after today there will be three annual meetings to catch up, then we need to go back to those Qnotes. Just tons that never get done in a day. *Sigh* Sure there are a lot of other details, but this is what we’ve got so far on our mind. After that nice three day weekend we’d forgotten what we were supposed to be doing. Fortunately, we knew we had to take care of today’s annual, so we got busy with that right away. There was a pretty good feeling as we were doing that. We had a collection of papers from our folder and from the DSP and we just kept processing until they were all in order and accounted for. Pretty amazing process. I like it when we are within the rhythm.

    Other than going to bed nice and early ... the only other remarkable event was going to see Dr. M. We don’t have much of that meeting under recall. I think we had difficulty right away. Casey was out and I think she was still feeling guilty over the green slimy monster she’d left with KC last week, because she sort of apologized for that. Annemarie was out pretty soon after, I think. Time is messed up for us here. She was feeling pretty down as was Ann who came after Casey to talk about our medicines. Turns out that not having one of them has an affect on the slow thinking and depressed feelings we were having over the weekend. There was, of course, the good stuff, but we could barely drag ourselves out of bed by Sunday and throughout the weekend, we weren’t able to touch the work we were so excited to be doing on our nice three days off.

    Eh, now is another week AND ... not so far off from a couple more days off. And soon after? Wow! Lotsa time for Christmas! Maybe like 10 or 11 days total :) It’s going to be like heaven!! Ok, ok ... best not to get too far ahead of ourselves. Still have a lot of catching up before the February deadlines when the State comes through to check records. Going to need putting out some serious effort in order to get all the reports done. *Double sigh*

    Ok, ok ... enough about work ... Shoot do we have any other thoughts? Not so sure about that. Thinking of running to the little store real quick ... wondering whether or not we shouldn’t take a shower first. Hmm ... Kind of downplays the idea of quick! But, then there is the other side of needing to get dressed twice ... hmm I wonder where we put that credit card? It sure be nice to get out of the way the pharmacy trip as long as we’re out. Better check some pockets, hold on please. Yayyyyy, we found it! After going through all the pockets, it was found up on top of the shelve we sometimes where we empty our pockets. Thinking now we might as well take that shower early. The trip will wait. Best I get the medicine as soon as possible.

    Does everyone think as slowly as we do in the morning? I’m telling you ... there’s just nothing profound coming from this end of the screen. Ok, ok ... get in the shower!

    Pshwoo ... that’s all done! Yayyyy, ahead of schedule!! Get to rest up here for a few minutes. :)  Ahh, a new inductee to J-land!  Thanks for the heads-up Krissy!  Nothing better than a fresh new start.  Remember when J-land was new to you?  Just excited to pieces!  I know my commentors are few, but if you get a chance, pop over to say hi to "Hope4meeeee."

    Hmm ... the thinking now is ... that we might hold off on going to the store for now and just leave 15 minutes early.  Gives us another clear half hour at the keyboard and then we don't have to do the stairs twice.  Always conserving on the amount of back strain.  Soooo, what do we talk about?  I guess we could skim the list. 

    First is kids ... they're doing pretty great.  The oldest two will be heading off to the Bahamas in two days.  They have a really generous boss who is flying they're top people.  There might be as many as 50 of them, but I'm not sure.  It's going to be a pretty big party.  Spouses weren't included which is a shame, but it helps to keep the group tight!  The boys both trade in the S&P500.  Think its going to be pretty cool for them.  They are staying in this huge hotel for four days, so it will be a short one.  Think its nice to be going on holiday before the holidays.  Kind of gives a new sense of appreciation to the whole deal.  We just sent off an email to our third son.  We're still working with him to get the next portion of his tuition paid by the first of December.  I might have to be fronted the money, we've committed to him until the balance of the estate money comes through ... we'll see.

    As far as my friend goes ... Nothing too much happening there.  He just got home from a trip to California to check on a graduate school for his son.  I guess they had a real good time, though missing Fisherman's Wharf and the trolley's.  I know ... we're such a tourish advocate!  He say's that while they were there they got pretty familiar with San Fransisco.  They put on 3,000 miles to the rental car.  He told me quite a few incidents that happened. I thought the funniest was that he got a picture taken of himself in a gay bar.  LOL I gotta give him credit for trying!  I saw him last Friday night.  We kind of worked out a deal.  He helped me through the huge stack of dishes and we agreed to make him a dinner.  That's very rare, like maybe twice a year kinda thing.  We're just a terrible cook, and in the end, he took over that process too.  But, we had no trouble getting ice into his glass all by ourselves!  Yayy!

    Let's see you already know of work an Dr. What's left?  Hmm, there are the kitties?  Nothing much up there.  The only thing new is that we've left the high chair next to the computer where it is pulled on the days our granddaughter is over.  The kitties are thinking this is a pretty nifty deal.  It gets them up to petting distance, without Casey screaming, "I can't see, I can't see!!"  When the kitties patrol in front of our screen.  They are at that shedding time, where they're requiring a lot of super duper petting.  They also got treated out to ice cream this week.  NOOO, we're not soft!  Just social!

    Well ... you about know our whole life now ... Nothing else.  Well, yes, we do have thoughts that go beyond our "setting," but we're not nearly there this morning.  Just need to know what we need to do before we gotta have it done!  Maybe tomorrow we'll come up with something new :)  Whoops Missy is telling us its time to be heading out ... take care of the day!!

    Yayyyyyyyyyyy, two friends IM'd ... maybe its going to be OUR day!