Sunday, August 31, 2003

Work Roles and Responsibilities

We figured we should think through what enables us to work .  You know I'm Corey.  I do the basic writing.  Kate does the hard thinking and analyzing of information.  Kelsey holds our wherewithal and is creatively gifted.  Jaime does stats, charts, etc., helps me if the rough draft is complicated, and does editing work along with Kate and Ayn. Ayn is also the team leader and group counselor.  Lissa does most of our research and contributes a good amount of dictionary work.  She is very curious and loves to learn. 

Ann is our patience and even while we are working she gives us the unconditional love and understanding we need, especially when we're frustrated.  Anniemi is like an ombudsman.  She deals with fairness and handles complaints and negotiations.  Jessie is known the least, but we believe she gives us our sense of power and purpose.  She and I rely on Marie our internal self helper the most.  Marie has all the internal answers and history.   She seemlessly orchestrates switches, knows the systems needs, and holds our consciousness.  

Everyone plays a part.  The two Casies watch over our bodies warning systems like hunger, tiredness, pain, and going to the washroom.  They also remind us of taking the medications.  Sarah contributes most to our faith and humor.  She also watches over the real young ones (Mimi, Crystal, Gracie, and Anna) while the older ones are working.  She is very responsible and keeps our health/safety needs balanced.  Henry is not only a good protector, but we've found while at work he is our "idea man."  He just loves to fix things.  That's almost it ... We can't forget our Embry, may she rest in peace.  Embry gives of our devotion.

There is still Dear Heart the core of our system to be accounted for.  No one believes she even knows what we do for a living.  But, she's surprised us before.  Officially it's been decided (even without Dr. M.) that Dear Heart is the holder of our soul.

Forest Path

<Giggling> Forest Path said he would FINALLY read our journal this morning. 

In many ways, Forest Path is our personal coach.  He keeps close tabs on how we are doing and keeps things safe.  He is the one who taught us about making goals and objectives.  He is action orientated  and after completing one task likes to be moving on.  We tend to dawdle so we can each savor the moment. 

Sometimes, there are those of us in the system who think that Forest Path pushes us too hard.  Then we usually get mad at him and rebel.  But, Forest Path never gets mad back!  He knows all the parts and is respected by each.  We've known him now for about ten years.  He hired us to do work for him, when we were still thinking we were too disabled.  He placed a lot of trust in us, and we are very grateful.

When we were hired at the Center four years ago, we didn't know anything about people who were mentally retarded.  We were just out of college and had no experience working in the field.  Forest Path helped us get through it.  He has been helping people now for about 30 years. His summary of the situation was that it is all about "quality of life."  Our job was to make it better for the people we would be serving.  He also gave us a position to be doing Internet research and encouraged Sr. Tess to give us as many responsibilities as possible.

Forest Path has also helped us with some of the switching.  There are times when it isn't appropriate for the role that we are in, or in keeping group progress, to have regressed in age or temperament.  Sometimes parts get triggered (surprised) out to the forefront who don't want to be there, but get stuck.  Forest Path reminds us to, "Bring it up a level!"  The lesson is that with "bringing it up a level," the more regressed parts have learned to trust other more capable parts in the system.  It is like reparenting yourself.  In all, a very nurturing/nurtured feeling. 

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Searching the Web

It started innocently enough, but by now a whole day has gone by and we're just a fraction closer.     

Most of the time was looking through other multiples' journals and web sites to see what was going on.  One of the sites we came across was Astraea's.  Astraea's Home Page .  She's like an online multiples' activist fighting for rights and much more.  We had known of her at least as early as '97, but we've been out of mainstream multiplicity for quite a while.  There's now things called otherkins, medians, and plurals.  You'll have to search that all though on your own. 

Many multiples not only don't believe that multiplicity is a disorder, they also have been disenfranchised with a lot of the theraputic community.  Too much bad blood on the concept of "integration."  Personally, we don't believe in integration.  We believe in communication.  Many don't believe in med management either.  And, there is a lot of harm done to the general community due to a group of horrid people and their destructive rhetoric on false memory syndrome (they don't believe those who recount childhood sexual trauma in their adulthood).   

We lost sight of our pressing goal, to find information about our core and if she has our soul.  We did ask Sr. Tess today about what the soul is.  Her answer was so simple that we could have tripped over it.  Basically it would be God breathing life into us, and, after the body died, it would return to God.  Now we'll have to think more about what it means to have God inside of us.  Our Sarah says, "its like having another part!" 

The little we did find though on the core was disheartening.  In general they are not real strong or able. 

Our soul

We've been thinking some since we last copied down Gibran's poem.  Mostly about the soul.  The most we've ever really done with that thought was to think it would go up and not be eaten by worms.  We looked it up in the dictionary and we started an Internet search.  We didn't have enough time to go into it very far and what we found wasn't in the direction we were flowing. 

What has passed through our mind(s) and we'll explore a little bit more, especially with Dr. M, is that maybe what makes a core different from the parts is that she is the only one of us that has a soul.  As far as Dr. W. would say, "I really don't know.  Some would agree that the soul lies deep in the self."  Left it kind of open for us.

Hmm, here's an interpretation ... 

The spiritual, rational, and immortal part in man; that part of man which enables him to think, and which renders him a subject of moral government, sometimes, in distinction from the higher nature, or spirit, of man, the so-called animal soul, that is, the seat of life, the sensitive affections and phantasy, exclusive of the voluntary and rational powers; sometimes, in distinction from the mind, the moral and emotional part of man's nature, the seat of feeling in distinctinn from intellect; sometimes the intellect only; the understanding; the seat of knowledge, as distinguished from feeling.  In a more general sense, "An animating, separable, surviving entitiy, the vehicle of indivdual personal existence.  "The eyes of our souls only then begin to see, when our bodily eyes are closing." (Law) SOUL definition.

Oh dear, that was confusing.  It's just that ... It would seem that every individual would get a soul at birth.  It doesn't seem right to say that we've got 20 of them.  There is too much sharing of interpersonal resources.  And, we seem always to be moving along the same general path.  We have different ideas of what it looks or feels like, but maybe just maybe Dear Heart's soul is guiding us? 

Friday, August 29, 2003

Our Favorite Poet ... He Helps Us Feel at Peace

And a man said, Speak to us of Self-knowledge.  And he answered, saying:  Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.  But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.  You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.  You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

And it is well you should.  The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea; and the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.  But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure; and seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.  For self is a sea boundless and measureless. 

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."  Say not, "I have found the path of the soul."  Say rather, I have met the soul walking upon my path."  For the soul walks upon all paths.  The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.  The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

A Little of Us We'd Like To Share

We're a little hesitant about adding our picture.  We have fears of not being good enough, or that someone could invalidate or judge us as not being important.  But, that self embarrassment would be an unreal fear now for us to be having, wouldn't it?  Just something we're imagining?  In reality, the people who come to know and love us have never conveyed anything like this.

Hmm, maybe to say the fear is unreal is a little inaccurate.  I certainly am feeling something!  Maybe, "Are our current feelings based on or are justifiable with us being here today in the present?"  

I've heard that reality is something you can know through your senses.  Like I don't think often about my keyboard, but it is very real to my touch.  Ack, would it then be real if I were at work thinking of my home computer?  Theoretical thoughts on reality have always confused us.  River Bank?  Help us out here?  We are feeling unsure again.

<Sigh>  Maybe a more simple set of thoughts is in order.  We hope that the picture will help you (and us) feel a little more comfortable in getting to know each other.  We really are serious in this desire.  We want to share space with those who care about their (and our) thoughts and feelings. And, we've appreciated finding pictures in some of the other journal sites we've stopped by to see. 

Oh yeah, I'm being reminded by Casey now that we have got a hair cut since this picture.  "We're special too?"  Oh dear.  Persistant questions this morning.  "Yes dear, very special."  KC then asks, "Is it ok to be alive?"  Yes dear very ok, we're trying love to fix things ...  many of us still feel the need to ask this permission."  Abuse can really mess with one's mind(s). Maybe soon some more lessons on self worth and self esteem... Need to next feel less confusion.  "Little ones ... we love you!  It'll be ok!"

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Being Obsessive and Vigilant

About 4 minutes after we left Dr. M's office this afternoon, the word "vigilant" came into our brain.  The first thought was the wish to go back to the office to discuss it with Dr. M.  But we knew the session had ended for this week.  During the meeting we had concentrated only on the word, "obsessive."  We used it to describe how we have been behaving while back to work full time this week, especially in regard to our writing both at home and work. 

The vigilant part of our week has been watching for signs of our core part, Dear Heart.  Last time we experienced her, she was angry/depressed.

Dr. M. suggested that maybe our repetitive behavior is a safe way for us to keep from going somewhere that is more scary to us.  Hmm, we were scared even to leave Dr. M's office though we've done this hundreds of times.  Now we wonder ... were we feeling Dear Heart's feelings?  Or, was it one of our parts?

Dr. M. said that the cores of most multiples are usually very well hid from not only the external world, but our internal world as well.  The core originally had to find safety not only from horrendous abuses, but most likely from the confusion caused by having "parts."   

We've stressed often since the hospilization a strong urgent feeling of needing more safety and structure.  How does this tie in?

Spose the next thing might be to risk "feeling" a little more?  And, we need to decide too what feelings we are experiencing are real or unreal before we can even venture to guess whose feelings they are.  I could say I'm afraid of our abusers, but our abusers are mostly dead or far from here, so to fear them today would be an unreal feeling.  A real fear would be more like ... while driving, the fear of being tired.

Damn, this is tricky stuff.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Corey's Summary of a MP Day (2)

The swimming laps were hard for us.  <Grin> Jamie had tryed to coax Kelsie into a relaxing swim, but we'd forgotten to take our medicine which meant Kelsie didn't settle down until about 10 am.  Although Kelsie is high maintenance, she's damn discerning in a quirky genius manner!

At 10 the other Q came in our office to attempt a sabatogue.  Ann caught the brunt of that effort.  Ann is getting a lot of compliments tonight!  She is an adult part who used to be less able to handle forceful people.  This time she didn't take the guilt trip nor accept all the confusion the co-worker had put the work through.   We figure the co-worker is a power broker trying to make an issue of ALL that she did for us and the center during our 2 month absence.  But, this was a case of the co-worker avoiding REAL responsibility. 

Kate came out next with our anger.  The co-worker had created chaos with the work and had tried to overwhelm our system.  Kate's not timid and gives us our signature sense of structure and order.  She typed up a fairly diplomatic notice to Sr. Tess of what was left undone and askew of the work.  She reestablished Sr. Tess' authority in prioritizing our work.  And, she moved her pawn toward a refusal to put up with this co-workers many disruptions. 

Sr. Tess had come by, listened and accepted the notice.  She smiled and responsibly said, "Relax ... I've got it."  Have we written about how important it is to really feel this kind of support?  Man, if your not getting it ... ask!  And, the thing is?  We trusted our boss and did as she directed.  Just went back to working more productively than ever.  Jamie reworked a client goal that the DSP (Direct Support Person) did wrong, then she did some amazing calculations that helped me write 4 more Qnotes. 

Yep, yep ... turned out to be a pretty good day!

Weight and being an athlete

We've been swimming at the YMCA pool now for about 2 months.  One of the best ways to spend a couple hundred dollars we've ever known.  I should explain that we have been in pretty bad shape.   Why we are so heavy will be explained at another time, but needless to say, we started diet and exercise in May at 295.5 pounds.  I know pretty bad.  It's part of the reason that we were diagnosed with diabetes at that time and have so much trouble with arthritis in our back.  5 years ago, we were 140.  We'd like to stay positive though, so we'll mention again that we've lost now 22.3 pounds.  It's a start.

Our Jamie has always been in charge of our athletic frame of mind and Henry our will.  But, she and Henry are working at getting other parts in the pool.  We started with volleyball in 10th grade and continued it through sophomore year at college.  Then we added cross country skiing.  We were the captain of the girls team for both years.  Our last event was in college when we skiied the Birkebeiner.  We also played softball in the 11th grade and were the captain of that.  

The most important thing it seems at this point ... is getting out of the door.  The swimming pool at the Y is divided into 7 aisles.  The water temperature is perfect.  It's wonderful getting there before the crowds.  Really a lot of our swimming right now is trying to walk fast in the water.  We do that for about 2/3's of the way.  Then we swim on our front 3-4 laps and on our back 13-14 laps.  Once we're in the water ... we are in heaven.  We're neither too big or too unhealthy.  Most the time we are very forward centered and there is not much pausing.  We're encouraged by the other athletes.  We try to concentrate on just keeping the counts straight and moving swiftly. 

The only other thing I'd like to say at this point is that, if you are unhappy about your weight ... get out and try something.  The old saying holds true.  If I can do it, so can you!  Athleticism is a frame of mind(s) mixed with a healthy desire.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

The Boot

Today seemed to be going along pretty good.  I went to the pool at 5:30 am, was at work at 7:30 am, only took a half hour organizing and taking care of personal matters, then started to work on the 3 Qnotes I'd scheduled for the morning.  I love the format and was feeling pretty accomplished.

About 10 am, Sr. Tess came in with news she didn't think I was going to like.  Apparently, a client's mother had called on her cell phone to say the Department of Revenue was putting a boot on my car!  I tried not to panic.  Sr. Tess was way ahead of me.  Whenever there is this kind of crisis, the answer is to call Forest Path.

You know ... I know I had to pay some fees ($230 all told), but it really wasn't bad.  The Department was close to work, I got to see Forest Path in the middle of the morning, we had a nice lady at the counter, and I even had the money in my bank account.  We started off real nervous because we were feeling like a criminal, but we had to sit and wait for the officer to call in the order, so we had plenty of chance to see lots of people coming in for the same thing.  Most of them seemed for the most part like law abiding citizens.  I felt empathy for them.

Guess the thing I'm feeling now is maybe the satisfaction of being a little more responsible.  I had 3 tickets (didn't change my address on the licence so the city sticker didn't match), but I'd paid one off so I thought I wouldn't get booted.  But, I guess after your in the system you have to pay them ALL.  I had been still trying to "beat the system." 

Later I came back and ate a quick lunch, then started on my CARF flowchart and since Forest Path was there, he gave me a few ideas.  The chart has 55 icons all connected with nifty little arrows.  Pretty proud of it actually.  Maybe it HAS been a good day?  Besides, I'm now safely home and happily sitting at my computer.  Not so bad at all for a first full day back to work.

Corey's Summary of a MP Day (1)

Yesterday was positive day. We woke up and were on the computer plus had our coffee, then we had an 8 am appointment with Dr. M., then went to work, then came home and had dinner and social time with Forest Path, then afterward had a few hours to be on the computer before we went to bed.

Talked to Dr. M about quite a few things happened over the weekend and our readiness to go back to work.  One of the outcomes of the meeting was that we're going to include something every meeting about our host Dear Heart.  Dr. M suggested that she is probably pretty angry and depressed. 

At work, we set up our schedule on the computer program "Lotus Organizer" (excellent program).  Forest Path came later in the day and looked over our new Qnote and made a couple real good suggestions.  Unfortunately, we only got one done, not two and we never got to CARF.  Initiating new formats takes time and patience, plus we had trouble with startin work when we first came in.

We had just a half Subway sandwich with Forest Path (both on diets), then we had talk and time to relax.  The main parts that were out were Ann, Kelsie, and Lissa.  Ann is the social one that usually eats dinner with Forest Path and talks over the time since we last saw each other.  Kelsie had a little trouble because she spends so little free time with Forest Path that she was being very shy.  Lissa on the other hand adores Forest Path.  She doesn't speak, but is very receptive to giving him a lot of positive attention.  Oh, Kasey and KC sneak out at the end for good bye kisses on top of head.  :)

Then back to computer and bed by 10.  By the way, I'm Corey.  I do a lot of writing, but not all.  Jamie, Kelsie, Kate, Ayn, and Jessie do a fair amount too.  They also like to edit my work, but then many of us help out with that.  That's about it!  

Monday, August 25, 2003

Self Therapy

I was concerned after looking at many journals.  There is an abundance of emotions. 

 

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, follow this link.  SELF-Therapy Training Program

 

I’m curious about myself.  I’m curious about my mental health knowledge.  I’m a therapist or other helping professional.  I want to improve and I am willing work on myself for a while.  I may be depressed.  I am often scared or anxious.  I often feel ashamed.  I often feel futile or hopeless.  I want to learn about child abuse.  I want to learn about addictions.  I want help with a love relationship.  I want help socially, with all relationships.  I want help with children or with family problems.  I want help about employment problems.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Our Son Jacob (and Aldan)

I've had just the best kind of day.  Started on the computer with coffee of course, then I IM'd with my friend Forest Path.  We resolved some differences. <sigh> 

Anyway ... we got to meet up with our youngest son Jacob and one of his best friends Aldan.  We had just the best time.  Jacob and Aldan are starting college classes tomorrow and both live on campus about an hour away from home.  Jacob has "done grown up!"  He's a sophomore this year.  We helped them with transportation so they could pick up the SUV our middle son Tanner is letting them use.  But, I heard Tanner say firmly, "First time I find out there is drinking and driving ... all privileges immediately yanked!"  Very serious stuff!  Jacob doesn't drink at all, but maybe his friend is still learning?  Sorry Aldan ... you deserve to take some grief here.  We also went out for a wonderful lunch.    

Jacob is such a love and a very interesting person!  He is a free thinker and works hard at the values that are important to him.  This goes for everything he does.  One of the things we talked about was his and Aldan's college cheerleading (they met in high school gymnastics).  We also got to talk between us about new theories and philosophies.  And, in between this Jacob and Aldan talked excitedly about starting a new school year and what was happening already.  Jacob even let me see his room.  Very huge!  Couldn't be more proud of the two of them.

Hmm, just one more Jacob story?  When Jacob was about 2 years old, he got out of the house with the keys.  The older brothers Macadam and Tanner ran up the stairs to tell me he'd started the car.  Actually he had keys in the ignition, but had only knocked the gears so it rolled a few feet into our other car.  We sent him to his room for a time out.  Next, an hour later, we found him out on the porch roof.  We were in tears, scared and shaking.  Kept asking, "Why?"  Jacob answered calmly.  At two years of age he said, "I got a [s]noopy min[d]."

Mission Statement - Values

We believe that every individual and family (like their business counterparts) should create for themselves a mission statement.  It seems that if everyone knew what to focus their decisions on, their life would be much more purposeful and cohesive.  We find the same thing especially true in our MP world.  Each of our abled parts have helped to create a statement that we could all stand by; the statement exemplifies our combined values.

Each individual's mission statement should be unique to the values they most respect and honor.  It helped us to start each sentence with the words, "I will ... "  If you need a list of values to help you get started ... this one will do.  HumanityQuest.com: Home Page For 500+ Human Values We as a system have a very bad memory, so we use computer post-it notes to stick the mission statement (and other reminders) where we will all see them most often.  You can get them free from the company by choosing "lite"  from their selection."   Post-it® Software Notes: Overview 

I will include our mission statement, but please use it for just an example.  It will mean much more to you, if you find your own direction!  And, don't forget to edit and update as your values change.  <Hehehe> There was a time we valued just clean diapers.  We find in general being a Grandma(s) means having much fewer concerns.  And, keep the statement short and workable!

"I will respect myself by being honest with my thoughts and feelings.  I will love myself, my God, my family, my friends, and people I meet along my path.  I will honor my freedom and independence and cherish my right to make choices.  I will strive to be capable.  I will be responsible for happiness, and I will share whatever wisdom I learn in offering help to others."

Saturday, August 23, 2003

Our 5 Minute Psychology Lesson

Make it a goal to become independent.  This is not to say others aren't important, but to really meet that healthy significant other(s), you have to be one with yourself.  Kahil Gibran wrote that being married was like two separate pillars holding up the same arch.  Part of being independent is to take on responsibilities.  This is along the same path as having personal rights.    

Learn to make choices.  You cannot change other people, you can only change yourself.  Watch your behaviors.  Choose positive.  Make this a conscious process and you will find yourself empowered.  Choose also to listen to others and ask questions of them.  Reject what you don't need.  Don't be afraid to be curious and choose to validate often.

Know your God or higher power.  People are fallible.  We all make mistakes.  Find a balance with your true nature ... live, love, and laugh.  Learn to eat proper and exercise.  Drink water.

 Learn to let go ... especially of things you no longer need.  It means decluttering your life.  The more you live in the present rather than the past or future, the clearer your thinking will be.  Learn to collect information, analyze it, then respond to it.  This is all done in the present.

And last, be nice to yourself.  Make it a point to do this every day.  When you do some good or very good, let your mind hear it.  Be tolerant of your faults and those of others.  Acknowledge your own mistakes, then choose to change them by leaving an alternative "better" path for those brain synopsis' of yours to follow until they become habit.  Let go of the guilt and frustrations of having not been perfect. 

Lincoln once said, "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem."  Don't miss out on helping the next guy, but, always take care of your needs first.  Don't wait and hope someone will know how to best take care of you, or expect someone to "prove" their love.  Be independent.

The Nature of Our External Work

We're back again.  We were at work.  I would like to tell you a little more about it.  First, we work Mon-Sat for 8 hours each day.  When you are in a social service field the rewards are great, but pay and amount of work are terrible.  Nice time to sit and think ... hmm, maybe I could do something like this too?

We had to have a BA in a like minded field to do this work.  Mine is in psychology.  Officially, I'm called a QMRP (Qualified Mental Retardation Professional).  I do many things from day to day, some of the work is more Administrational.  I need to put in four hours each day working on our accreditation (CARF).  This is a major job of trying to record agency happenings from having enough bandaids to Human rights and budgets.  Then for about 1 1/2 hours a day, I write Qnotes (monthly summaries of how clients are progressing).  In the remaining 2 1/2 hours we do Annual meetings, take care of intake, attend a behavioral/rights meeting and Administration meeting, do groups with the clients on thinking, leadership, and relaxation, handle program development, and take care of client or staff issues that come up on any given day.

Pshwew!  Pretty much, huh?  Today was a good day.  I figured how to streamline those Qnotes down to 25% of the time ... and they're better!  Damn!  Oh by the way ... there are about 40 individuals (clients) at our center and 10 staff including the secretary.  We are a center for adults with developmental disabilities.  We'd like to think of ourselves as very efficient!  Our Center is internationally ranked in the top 97th percentile of those of our kind.  We're very proud of our contribution!

Our interpretation of "What Makes a Multiple"

Hmm, I'll try to summarize what we know here.  Psychology is not an exact science.  From our understanding most people develop multiplicity due to sexual abuse (usually incest) before the age of four.  Not all people who have been sexually abused develop multiplicity.  Some experts have said that it involves a certain amount of innate intelligence and creativity.  If you've gone through the experience of early childhood sexual abuse and are not multiple, it doesn't mean you are not intelligent or creative.  We are each unique and have special God given gifts and tribulations. 

Another close cousin of multiplicity (or Disociative Identity Disorder DID as it is currently being called) is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  It's another problem on the same continuum.  There is a lot of information on the Internet about these disorders.  If you want more indepth information, go ahead and look for it.

Basically, we believe that our brain adapted to a terrible number of traumas and included sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse.  When one part couldn't survive the force of a certain terrible condition, another more adaptable part would be created (new mind through a different pattern of brain synapsis's).  The part facing the last trauma would then stagnate (or be bypassed) in age development, unless they had "time out" in the external world.  There is a lot of sharing in our system.

We are not always aware or conscious of when the parts are switching, though sometimes it is very noticeable.  Dr. W. gave us an image that helps us a lot.  Imagine a very large conference table where all who are interested can gather to discuss all that is important, but we are viewing you via teleconference.  We each get different impressions of the things happening on screen depending on our particular points of view.  The system tends to frown on parts that stand up and interupt us or the other from speaking.  Most people in the outside world see a united front that we present.  Damn, we are just that good!

Suicidal Ideation

We wanted to say something of a caution here on suicidal ideation and acting out of those behaviors or other self destructive urges.  First, and most important ... if you are dealing with these issues ... seek professional help now.  This is a good place to start.  They can help you if you are in a crisis.  SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain. You can call a Suicide Hotline Right Now. ...

The next thing you should know is that we believe and have made commitments with our doctor to be hospitalized if we can't control these urges or desires.  Usually, it's just a few of the parts of our system actually going through these ideations.  But, it has to be safe for all of us, because we share the same body.  If we can't get a hold of our doctor we have to be responsible to call the psychiatrist on call at our local emergency hospital. 

Last, I'm not a licensed psychologist.  I can and will talk about the issues, but this is just from a lay person(s) point of view of someone who has experienced the trauma and has been enabled to see a few ideas past it.  Know the emergency numbers of your support system!  This is the most serious life giving decision you will ever make ... with the exception of choosing to have a baby.  Make good choices.

Do we all have names?

Today seems like a pretty good day.  We've been up for a couple of hours mostly writing to our newest friend River Bank.  He says that I can write him anytime about anything as often as we wish.  Man don't you just got to love a friend like that!  He keeps me in line with important things ... mostly philosophy's of life and a whole lot of love and acceptance.  He's real smart.  Just love to get mail or a call from him.

In about four hours we'll have to go to work.  I'm just getting back to it.  Monday will be my first 8 hour day in about two months time.  Little scared of this, but yesterday we made ourselves a schedule.   

Something now maybe on the MPD?  Like we said ... there are 20 of us.  Let's see if I can remember them all ... Embry (died at birth), Dear Heart (birth - core part) Mimi (3 months), Crystal (8 months), Gracie (1 1/2 years), Marie (2 years - ISH), Anna (2 1/2 years), Casey (4 years), KC (4years), Anniemi (5 years), Henry (6 years), Lissa (7 years), Sarah (8 years), Corey (10 years), Jamie (11 years), Kelsey (12 years), Ann (14 years), Kate (16 years), Ayn (17 years), and Jessie (18 years).  Next to each of the years is the approximate time everyone began their development.

Hmm, that's about it for now ... Be taking care!

Friday, August 22, 2003

First Day

Hi.  This is us.  We're pretty special people and have met many more.  We figure that we have 20 minds, but just one brain.  Sometimes it gets confusing.  Trying to concentrate on listening to just one voice at a time.  It's all about communication. 

We have some good supports.  First is our psychiatrist.  We'll call him Dr. M. We've managed to keep him for the last four years.  It seems like we believe in each other.  There is still another psychiatrist friend, Dr. W. Officially he's retired after 7 years with us, but he's still in mind.  It's the same with Dr. L.  He's been the head of the psych department where we went to college.  Just heaven sent these folks.  As are our "major" friends Forest Path, Bubbling Stream, Rosewood Tree, Gentle Brook, Clear Sky, and River Bank ...  just enough people caring to make us believe we're pretty special.  Hmm, special ... that would describe our three sons and their families.  None of us get to see them nearly as often as we would like, but they are top rate!  Their names are Macadam (22), Macadam's wife Lee, and daughter Abby (2.5), Tanner (21), Tanner's son AJ (3), Jacob (19) and his friend Aldan (18).  We have a pretty close relationship with my boss too.  Her name is Sr Tess. Lastly, are our two sibling kitties, though they are 5 years just this month.  They're names are Missy and Chief or (Mischief).

Lately, we've been having a little trouble with our life because of the depression.  We've been hospitalized twice between June and August for suicidal behaviors.  Plus, we were hospitalized once for chest pains and a second time to find out about the diabetes.  Before that, we'd gone 3 years without the need to be hospitalized.  The suicidal things have been due mostly to issues we have with abandonment.  My father died of complications of diabetes in February, my stepmother of 25 years (Sandy) died of complications of cancer in May, and our Godfather died in August.