Feeling Sorry for Self

Good Morning, This is just me. I had a half hour, so I thought I might write freely. I have just finished the weekend which included quite a bit of writing. I completed my first semester’s major project, three smaller papers, and over a dozen comments. It was a lot of writing. Today, will start off in new directions, reading new chapters, following new rules and writing more papers and comments.

I have to admit to feeling a little down about it. Not necessarily with the work due in the future, but in that the work completed will stir so few comments. More closely, it will generate few people to read the work. It brings to mind the questions of worth. Is it worthwhile to put so much time and attention into something just a few people will read?

V. Is the one I am most appreciative of. He reads my papers and will comment of them and will sometimes talk about what was said, or about new thoughts having read the last. The instructors will read the papers to some degree. Most often the comments are limited, non-existent, or could take 2-4 days to respond. Most of the comments are good, that’s not the point. Just that each paper becomes so important to you while writing it, then you start to think, does it matter to anyone besides me?

Dr. M. Has established a policy not to read the work, my friend is too busy, and the boys are not interested. Maybe, this is the crux of the matter. Some of the people I love best aren’t interested in the work, or the amount of me that is put into each effort. I start to feel, they aren’t really interested in me at all.

Last night, I had a bad nightmare. It involved my family of childhood. The uncle who has had such a big negative impact on my life had taken charge of a moving experience. In summary, he didn’t like me and chose me to ostracize. He treated my valuable possessions angrily, gathered all those around me to also dislike me, and in the end, even went as far to tape a line to my body highlighting me as the deviant he thought me to be. The others retaliated with physical aggression.

I am not sure what the dream signified. Though in afterthought now, I’m pretty sure my belongings equate with my written efforts. Both have met a foul ending. After a whole semester of trying to win favor with instructor and peers, the only comment I received was:

"It was you who took risks when sharing with us. Seeing how you were comfortable with this really helped therest of the class. Thank you for your input. I hope to see you in another class."

I had known it was me to take the risks. I didn’t think that point as arguable. I felt it was me "Against" the rest of the class, I saw my "input" as meaningless binary numbers, and I felt almost horror to think I would go through this much lack of attention again, in receiving this instructor for another course. It wasn’t that he was dumb, it’s just that he didn’t really interact with the learners, including me.

V. Made a good point in that he said when he did comment that my work was good or excellent. I AM appreciative of that, but had figured there must be more reward. With the second instructor (for lifespan), he has sporadically left comments on 16 of the 22 posts, but, I am one of the six he has not commented on. I am feeling neglected and unloved.   :(  Where are those feelings of yesterday when I felt self-deterimined?