Sitting on a Teeter-Totter

Good morning ... Just us ... We’re not sure how we’re doing now. We woke up good, but we’ve got heavy thoughts on our brain right now. We saw Dr. M. yesterday. Half of our time was talking about the journals and the other half was talking about whether or not we should get a new job. And, that’s the part we’re thinking of right now ... well sorta ... at least we have been thinking about it.  Dr. M. would like to see us go through a change in jobs.

We were fortunate enough to sign on and be meeting up with Sandy. We weighed out some more the positives and negatives of each. With Dr. M. we did the same, but in more depth. It seems the part that is the hardest to get over is the part of feeling self destructive after being yelled at so much and apparently hated. Our friend would say that will be the same wherever we go. He also says that no one else would put up with our disabilities.  We’re thinking that we won’t be in so much direct contact with the big boss. There are a lot more people at the new job we’re considering. So, there would be more of a lost within a crowd feeling, which could help us feel more protected. I’d just have to work at being one of the best. That we usually do.

Dr. M. Recommended that we talk to someone we already trust at the new agency. So, yesterday we called a guy named Gary. He has a position of what we’d be looking at. Basically, he said the job is to keep up with 75-80 clients. That includes both visits and paperwork. He says that each month they are expected to see 25 clients. There’s generally 2 out days, and 3 in days. So appointments have to be scheduled around that. I think there are like four more positions that are opening up. With the changes of State funding, there is a lot more new business going to this agency. I like the part that they are considered "over" the smaller agencies like ours. That means that I would be taking a step up in our job development (career path). I know that I’ve been at St. Rose now for five years. It is the perfect time to be trying something else. I’ve pretty much got most the experience I’m going to gain from this position. It would show consistency, but not settling in too much. Of course, I can see the value of settling in too. There are many more ideas that are possible to establish. Thing is how long is Sr. going to be there and what do the higher up Sr’s plan on doing with the business after she retires. She is 76 years old. AND, we were told by her after the Big Boss Sisters of Italy came through that "she was it!" Notreal good job security. On the other hand, I’ve got our friend telling us that if we leave, St. Rose won’t get past their next inspection in February and certainly not the next CARF survey. He says it will be on me then if the company folds and nearly 50 clients and 12 staff are without a place to be. That to me feels like a lot of pressure. We aren’t allowed to disagree with her without being shown how angry she can get, we aren’t allowed to talk to her more than a sentence, and she makes it a point to be negative of each statement we made as if we hadn’t developed any authority in our work after 5 years.

The reason we are thinking of other employment initially, because over the last 4-5 months our position with Sr. Tess has deteriorated so much. For the first year, we were getting to know how things ran. For the next four years we developed ourselves as pretty much one of her top two confidants. She still made the decisions on her own, but we could influence things. She talked to us daily about what was happening at the center and she wrote several times on our job evaluations that we were her best employee. She trusted us and our work capabilities. Since CARF came through in April (and, her mother died), we’ve been considered one of her worst employees. She frequently yells and criticizes our work, and she does not talk to us unless absolutely necessary, most often she goes through our friend instead of talking to us directly. We’ve also been given a verbal warning, because one day we showed anger. It is the norm that she be angry, but it is not allowed in us. I’d never been given a warning before. She doesn’t seem anymore to trust us and very little respect is shown for our work. The things we learned as fairly easy during our first year, she’s given over to the people we train because she thought they were more competent than us. That includes the simple ICAP and setting client goals. She also showed her distrust by attending our first ten staff training meetings where she often criticized me in front of our peers. She has expended a great amount of time and interest also in going to my peers directly and encouraging them to disassociate with me and my work.

As far as her mother dying, I couldn’t do anything about that. It happened within a couple weeks of the big CARF inspection. I did the majority of work on CARF and when she became enraged at the surveyor, I maintained relationship with him, especially after he said that Sr. seemed so angry at him, he couldn’t talk to her. Most of his conversations in regard to the Center went through me. Before he left he did three things. He gave my eleven business reports the highest recognition that CARF has, he told Sr. we were being paid extremely low for the work that we were doing and that she couldn’t pay me hourly if I was supposed to be on salary, and he offered us a job with CARF. Sr. was angry about all of this and spent a great amount of time discrediting the surveyor and CARF in general. She didn’t tell any one about the special category he’d put our reports in or that we only got 2 out of 93 wrong in our "points." Under a great amount of pressure, she did finally give me a $1,000 bonus, but there was no verbal recognition with peers or higher ups and she wrote as a side note that it was easier to give me money than sit down across a dinner table with me. It seems as if she’s been trying to discredit my work ever since. I’ve tried to talk to Sr. several times about the amount of pressure I’m feeling due to her anger, but the situation doesn’t change.

I feel at great loss, because I’d once been honored to work for her, and I’d be losing a job and office that I’ve enjoyed very much. I know at a new job I’d be at the bottom of the totem pole and while paid perhaps a little better, I would be doubled up in a cramped office that is shared by 22 people. I wouldn’t have the variety of work or opportunities, but then if Sister continues as she is doing now, there will be no more opportunities here either. I don’t know ....... will I ever be able to earn her respect back, and if I could why should I want to ... She’s just a bitter, angry old woman... Shoot ... this is a horrible position to be in. Maybe I’m just a bitter, angry young woman? I’m not sure which is the right path to take. The end point we’d gotten to yesterday with Dr. M. is that it wouldn’t hurt to check things out. So, we’re in process. As I said, we talked to Gary yesterday. The person that we would be talking to about the job is the same woman who told us about the position last week. This week though, she is on vacation. Nothing to do, but think calmly and bide our time. Plenty of work to be doing in the meantime. Plus, we need to shore ourselves up because our friend is coming back supposedly today from over a week of vacaton and will have much to say AGAINST leaving. Dr. M. Says that I make our friends job easier by being there and it helps to maintain the friends "control" over me. Not so good a thought to be pondering though. I don’t think hewould hurt us intentionally, but he has a reputation for staying in bad relationships longer than I think anyone ought to. *Sigh* I’m not going to cry, I’m not!