Life as I Know it!

Wow! That is all that I should say, but we fudge a lot ... plan to say much more!

This last couple of days have been absolutely terrific! First was the evening with our friend, then meeting up with our other friend, then meeting with my oldest son and granddaughter, now today, I was with my youngest son. In the middle I took care of the next grant, my hoped for education, and if that weren’t enough?? It’s a little cleaner here than it had been before :)

Thank you, thank you everyone involved! I think it will top off with a visit to Dr. M. Tomorrow before work. Yep, yep my little world is almost complete! *giggle*  oh yeah, two more ... we’re going to watch a Clint eastwood movie tonight and we had Chinese throughout! Yahooo!!!

I think we mentioned a few of these things, so we’re probably about up to our visit with Macadam and Abbe. I think they got here about right on time, but what was more important they brought slurpees!!! That’s absolutely my favorite food category. He said he mixed three different kind of diet types, but pretty much it tasted like cherry :) Little muffin face finished hers first, so we shared a little till even she was uncomfortable with the teensy spilling that was occurring. What a girl! Just like her Grandma! She’s got Both love of slurpees and spilling!!

As things usually happen we try to catch-up on what’s going on out there. I guess son #1 stepped into the doghouse. That sounds better than he was thrown, Right? Hehe Eh, Can’t have relationships without umm, misunderstandings. Something, something about three days out at white sox park this week and on the fourth day spending time with friend from work without checking Lee’s Friday evening schedule. He said they made up already, but it still makes funny thinking for a mother who’s been there and done all that!

Another conversation was about his old condo for sale. I thought he was being exceptional optimistic about it selling, especially since lowering the price and providing an incentive. Macadam passed on through Jacob today that indeed by 1 pm today, the place had sold!!! Yahoo! That’ll save about a million gray hairs in the end. We don’t have any of the details, so hopefully will catch up with Macadam sometime this week.

He is still doing well at work and has made advancements. I think that he is looking forward to another challenge from the boss. *Giggle* another incentive program!

I’m afraid tanner is still havingtrouble with work and being unable to enjoy a broader social circle, so there was no real progress made on those thoughts. That was pretty much confirmed by Jacob too. I think they all have theories with what is happening. The one’s I’m hearing make sense. Sure would like to talk to tanner though. He’s being a hard case.

We spent a good amount of time getting through the bills. We had gathered about a month and a half of mail and it filled four plastic shopping bags. I put in a clean garbage bag then worked to replenish macadam’s pile as he began the rapid tossing process. I’m pretty sure we’ve gathered about 80-100 sales catalogues. Something is going to need being done about it. Macadam says if we don’t buy anything from them, they will stop, but I’m thinking we might have to call or write these companies. I’m less sure of how to get off the mailing list.

Macadam separated out the envelopes, then later sorted and opened them. In the end, there were six bills, a mess of stuff from the University that will require dr. m’s assistance, and a notice saying that for pretty sure, we better get an emissions test. *Shuddering* to think of all that. Macadam said that the bills (w/o medical) equal about $800 cuz we were late last month, but it could have been much worse. Though now, we’ll have to use the check I like to save for rent mid-month and use it for bills and then the first of the month check will have to pay the rent until I’m able to catch up a little.

There were a lot of little things I’m doing wrong that adds up to a big problem. I am always adding little things like my Chinese dinners, smokes, gas, and parking, and a few other miscellaneous that comes from having a bank card that is too accessible, plus there was the spring fling and the Easter dinner party that added up to over $100, I used $400 to pay for computer, I bought a month’s worth of groceries for $250 and then the car cost a surprise $250. Yeeks, too much!

Macadam was patient with me. He explains things carefully, and doesn’t yell. God Bless him. He did however add that I could have gotten a less expensive computer. But, it didn’t happen that way. I had thought I was going a lot less than I had before so that would be good enough. Guess, we’ll have to now work through some of the choices that we made.

In-between all these things, there was abbe. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t happy with all this "other" attention. So the situation had a lot of breaks to answer her questions or assuage her needs. Beside the slurpee, she eventually had a fruit cup and granola bar to take care of that little voice that says, "I’m hungry." I think I should have done more to try and cook something. But, I have no confidence with my skill and ability to do something well enough they’d eat it and the time wasn’t clear of how long they were going to be staying. Still feel guilty on this end. I wish I had at least a bag of potato chips or pop to offer macadam. Just can’t keep it around, or we’d eat it. :(

Abbe spent some time watching the pre-school show where they are learning Spanish and we went through a round of counting in this language. Maybe Dora?? She spent more time though with a 3x3 pad of pastel colored post-its and markers, the big calculator and with a little wooden chest we have that holds old necklaces.

I think the gist of her thoughts were that she was looking for someone to play with. She’s terribly good at making up imaginative games. I think this means that she is plenty ready for pre-school. I figure if she know her alphabets and numbers both in English and Spanish, surely she’s ready for group naps and coloring! I think she is going to enjoy having other kids around though she’s pretty sure as most pre-schoolers that her needs and satisfaction are of top importance. I think 4 years old is where we as people learn to set life priorities!

There wasn’t any conversation this time on fantasy games, but macadam spent a good amount of time showing me a couple of the games he plays on the computer. He’s gotten quite good at them. That took a bit of time and he shared that time by teaching Abbe. I have always liked watching the boys play and sometimes trying to figure out how they are doing it. I’m not sure about this, but it seems that no matter how old they are, boys like to play. God love em!

I don’t know if I can quite explain it, but I love the time Macadam comes over and is just "here." Maybe this is another reason why I didn’t rush him through the games. More than any other time or with any other person, he and abbe seem to fill up my space in a manner that is deeply comforting. I’m going to try not to cry here, but sometimes It feels like the "hello/Goodbye" hugs and kisses are going to explode my heart. We play them over again in our minds eye in slow motion thinking it no less perfect than the soft flutter of a dove’s wing against its chest. Theyleave me in aweof all things wonderful. I think it comes from Macadam’s deepability to love and care.

With Jacob too the sense of love I feel is as outstanding as I could have ever wished from the first day born. Same with distant Tanner. I try to think of Tanner as being on a sabbatical. Maybe one day he’ll learn to accept me the way I am. Until then, I have to just let it be

Jacob and I seem to be in a phase of discovery. He made a comment during the visit that went something like, "Wow, I’ve found from these last couple of visits, you are really smart too!" I’ve heard of this kind of thing happening with others where the kids grow up to a point of realizing the parent is finally acceptable. But, it is even more special in person when it is you that it is happening with.

I’ve enjoyed these last couple of sessions immensely. Yesterday, we talked for 3 ½ hours straight through. Where Macadam is in a phase of sorting out who he is while caring greatly about his family, Jacob is at a more playful place of figurin out who he is amongst his peers and mentors. Both are Grand! Early on in the conversation it was established that he has some wonderful circles of friends, both the kind you talk to everyday and a wider circle of what I call "associates." He is very comfortable walking into new situations and introducing himself.

What he seems to be having a little more difficulty with is talking to others in long depth in regard to all the places his mind can go. He differentiates himself as being able to concentrate and focus more deeply than many around him. And, I believe him to be correct. He is very able to think and express himself at the same time. It Seems a lot of time, people don’t get much farther than surface conversation, but there is this other wonderful space where you are reviewing new discoveries about yourself and life and about how people relate to one another that are quite liberating.

I’m pretty sure that part of what has got Jacob so excited is pure metaphysics. He is thinking about his thinking. Add that to his topics of concern are now relating to psychology, philosophy and religion ... he’s become absolutely fascinating. The surprising thing for him has been, he knows now that his Mom can match him thought to thought. We both know I’m not up yet to his father’s standards, in that my ex has studied and can teach/Lead what it is that Jacob and I are doing in practical experience. But, at least I’ve made a mark in his world andI feel that’s pretty damn important.

Inmy mom protective space there was one conversation that became clearer as the time wore on ... I know that Jacob, like me, can be open to new people, him moreso than me, but there is this other part, where it seem that we are being dismissive. That’s the part where you go out and challenge another to be thinking your kind of thoughts, but after a while of them not meeting you, you dismiss them from basic concerns. Jacob was saying that he will try twice with new people, but then finds himself holding back. It doesn’t mean that you don’t relate to them, but the time and concern investment is different.

I’m sure this is the same for most people, but it’s holding a strong perch in my mind right now, perhaps, because of the exclusionary world that Jacob has been in with his brother Tanner. I can see what is happening and thus, avoid anger most of the time, but I don’t understand it all. I know the kids are very intelligent, but I sense them becoming deeply isolated in this much smaller world they’ve made for themselves. Jacob is doing much better because he has this other life of his University with peers and professors, but it is still a breach of normal relating. An ultimate sense of safety, though it’s not yet positive whether this is true or false security.

On one hand I can see the sense of it in that, there is only so much time in a day and one has to prioritize the way it is spent. I can see that Tanner’s consciousness is saying that, "Well, my mother is too big, she smokes, has odd relationships, so obviously is not taking care of herself, thus I don’t want to know her because she might affect my world negatively." I don’t know what is happening though unconsciously. Does that translate out to ... she can’t take care of herself, she can’t take care of me?

It is more a statement between a Mother and son that concerns me now. I know they are "showing" they can take care of themselves and certainly should, but this is physical caring for obvious surface living. And, it is a situation where they can still grow mentally, because they’ve been and continue to challenge their minds. But, in some other ways that are very deep, They’ve cut themselves off from a tremendous resource of Primary love and care.

At Tanner’s age there are replacements, in that young men go out and find young women. He’s done that, but to say there is no longer a need for the primary relationship? And, as I say this I know that in my heart, I’ve done this with my own Mother. I have no place in my life for her. I thought though that that kind of serious division could only come due to abuse and neglect.

So, then I wonder is that what Tanner thinks I’ve done? Not in physical or sexual means as was the case with my family, but in mental dynamics. I can’t help to think the real danger here has been in regard to my situation of multiplicity, depression, and suicidality. I think these are barriers or "Abandonments" that have critically affected him and may always be a distancing cause. Many times throughout their lives, I’ve been in places that were so far separated from their needs or reality and for this I feel a great burden and an everlasting type of deep-seated shame.

Yesterday, with Jacob we talked of that word, reality. At first, we asked him to compare two situations and asked which was "more real." He followed that path for a bit. It became my point to say that reality is that which allow more an introspective place due to literal connection of the senses. I think the situation of me sitting here before my monitor with my fingers connected to the keyboard is more sensual and allows me to be more aware of reality than sitting at a distant desk of a lecture hall, though in both situations my mind can be stimulated.

At both desks I sit and feel the smooth surface and so in that manner both connect and become more acceptable to me through association. But, I will still contend with me in command of leadership and interaction the typing of this document is more real to me than the lecture hall. Then I go back to object relation type thinking ... beside perhaps sexual relating, what is more real than the sensuous bond of mother and son in the closeness of their physical and psychological Dual relationship ?

This seems to bear out in that in my particular situation with mother, there wasn’t this bond. I was not often held, but left alone in crib or playpen with a bottle propped toward my face. I didn’t have that object of love and concern to relate to or from.

With Tanner it was different in that he had all that. Both Jacob and I have discovered that we both have a keen interest in the theory of cognitive dissonance. Basically, in this I mean by a difference between beliefs and actions, or perhaps even that which separates reality ... becomes very frustrating ... You don’t feel right with the world, until those elements drawcloser. Whatthen, with this thought in mind must the experience be for Tanner in rebellion and rejection of me? What energy is being consumed to dissociate from it.  I don’t know ...

it makes me shutter. BUT on the good side ... I know that the situation is better, because there is more relating with his inner circle to me and me to them in a family sense. I figure I have to prioritize this as pretty damn important and that it has to be continued :) I think this is referred to as hope? :) :) :) It’s about where I’m at right now. We’ve got a candle lamp lit at our Top window.

AHA!!! Caught up with Macadam already ... they negotiated a price that all could live with. Closing May 26th! Pretty good, that means they will only have one double house payment, YAYYYYYY!!! Just gotta finish moving them boxes love! :)