Internet Outage

Morning. We are having a little technical problem here. Hopefully, by the time you read this it will be fixed. Last couple of days my IM’s and web page loading has been bogging down. It worked a couple of times to sign-off and come back on. When I tried that this morning (Monday), she wouldn’t load either AOL or Internet Explorer. Next thing I did then was to check the connector box to my cable company ... seems like all the lights are on, Not sure of the last one though ... TV seems to be working, though I messed something up on that too. *Sigh* I will have to do a few things. First is to check if I have any disks to save this entry so I can get it out from work. Next, I will make sure to pay the cable company, just in case, and last, I will ask my coworker to borrow her new program that worked for her in getting rid of all the ad stuff. I’m pretty sure that’s the real problem. My computer is fairly new, but I’d taken my poor baby to the on-line strip mall, and you never know what affect that has on a vulnerable child computer. Very bad me!

 

Ok, first step worked. I had to format the disk. Probably, pretty old. But, the point is it worked. Then I remembered I was writing in WordPerfect, which the work computers don’t have, so I switched her over to word and saved. So far, so good! I’ll follow through on the rest when I get to work. I’m still probably about three to five days from getting the office back due to the flooding and the hole they had to dig. I think the tile is in now just waiting for everything to set and somebody come in and clean the floors and move the heavy furniture, plug in the computers etc. Sister said no later than Wednesday. I had considered staying home today and working from here, but it is pretty obvious I’d go loony without my baby functioning proper.

 

I have to say one thing here. In all consideration, the fact that she went down today, rather than yesterday while I was finishing up the semester is a blessing. I may be inconvenienced now, but not handing in the final work on time would have been a disaster! So, this morning, I will not grumble. I will count my lucky stars! Hmm, seems like with the disk is backing itself up often. I can’t go wrong there.

 

It’s kinda funny. I am out of the habit of writing in the MPD journal in the mornings, because of the heavy workload at school. BUT, I had planned to write in it this morning anyway as a treat to myself. Two weeks VACATION YAYYYYYYYYYY!!! I hope Sr. is ready to put up with me for a couple of days in her office.

 

Something exciting happened yesterday; I got a chance to talk to another journalist named Jane. One thing led to another and it turns out she lives close enough to work to offer her a chance at interviewing for a position Sr. Has open. Between the two of us, we took care of the first step. I forwarded an email to sister that I would like Jane to be considered and Jane sent in her cover letter and resume!!! We’ll have to see if Sr. takes a bite of the worm this morning! It sure would be cool if she does. There are no promises, but at least we’re all trying J

 

Hmm, now I remember one of the reasons I don’t use Word. She underlines all my bad uses of grammar. I’m much more casual in writing to the journal than normal and if I want to say HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! I don’t want to be corrected for my misspelled word! There is one other problem in that AOL Journals don’t like Word … marks it up with all the funny codes. Yep, this is Ann being profound! Hmm, one more problem … at Sr.’s computer I would have to sign on as a guest and so I won’t be able to open my journal. Hmm, I brought my laptop up front. Wonder if I could connect that to the Internet … Just have to be a little sneaky, I guess. I don’t want to startle sister. We’ll see. I figure Brandy’s clean-up disk is at home, so it will take over-night to fix the problem. I’m thinking by now I probably have over a lot of adstuff in here. Ok, ok … let’s think of something else!

 

Hey, did you all hear!! School VACATION! Oh, I said that already. Shoot. I was starting to read something yesterday saying that when school starts up on October 3rd, we will have a new courseroom with more bells and whistles! YAYYYYY!!! She looks pretty neat so far. There was a walk-through of what she was going to look like. I like her so far. True test will be a couple of weeks down the line. Hmm, reminds me I ordered books, but I ordered extra. Although, books have been coming in, I haven’t checked to see if they were the necessary books. Better do that today too. List is on-line though.

 

I ran into another student yesterday who heavily praised the teacher she had had when she took one of my classes. It’s hard to tell if we’ll get that teacher, because there are more sections than one taking the course. And, since it is a general psych course, could be taught by more than one. Shoot, sure glad I got the work in. Having a computer melt-down has to be a fairly common excuse not to get work in on time! Wonder if they thing like, sure….

 

I am still in a bit of over shock from completing the last couple of assignments. My final project in the lifespan course was a little off the normal level. I wrote a paper on a game I invented for the paper to incorporate all that I’d learned in the course with what I wanted to do after graduating – that is writing training programs. I sure hope the teacher is ok with all that. It took a full day to get it done and I was within 6 seconds of being late … but, I made it in. Unfortunately, I only had one chance to proofread it. Eh, what has to happen has to happen?

 

The writing project was pretty bogus. For the most part we collected a bunch of our assignments into one portfolio (file), so that she ended up being like 100 pages long. We also had to write a cover letter and a writing map of how we get things done. That was kinda fun. And, then I threw in a table of contents just to clean it up. Let’s see, maybe I can include the map here. I’m so vain, I have to admit, I’d like to look at it again J

 

 

AHA! There she is! Cool, cool!!! It reminds me of a dissected brain. The center two circle of course being the brain stem J Ok, ok a little gross.

 

Hmm, it seems to be raining! I just got up for my coffee to know this. I guess this will be a good test as to flooding office or not J I really like a good rainy day … Kind of mellows out the world. No hurricanes mind you!!! And, if you got your smokes … then entirely better! Hmm, wonder if I need gas yet this morning. I thought I saw prices had come down some, but I’ll have to check that out. Hmm, need to remember … lighter on last leg … REMEMBER!

 

Hmm, better leave the drawing alone … darn things got me mesmerized!

 

Maybe the point at this time is that for the most part, my higher brain functioning has turned off. J We have a whole half hour before we will need to shower YAYYYYYYYYY!! Let’s see kitties fed, breakfast ate, fingers limbered up … What else? What needs to be thought through next? Hehe if I had it my way, I might be headed back to bed. I’m not sure though whether I would like to wake up. Good rainy weather for sleepin!

 

I sure do hope Jane gets that job! Missy says, “Since you are not doing anything, you might as well be petting me!” Silly cat! Ahh, she laid down on top of the quilt, on top of the couch right in back of me. If she is really irritated, she will walk directly in back of my right ear and MEOW Loudly! Like cuts right through the thick of it. Chief’s been well fed and is on his way to slumberland. What a life feed/sleep/feed/sleep. Ahhh…

 

Ok, bout time I thought a relevant thought? Yeeks! Don’t think I got one! Got, Got, Got … doesn’t really matter! My friend said over the weekend that along with a degree, I would have to start being less eccentric so people wouldn’t be nervous about me. That thought went over real good … YEEKS, YEEKS!! My goal is to be an absent-minded PhD’er J You know protect your mind from over use! I learned something interesting this semester. As people (older) continue to learn, they continue to grow more neurons … that’s a good thing, AND it is supposed to help you live a longer life! YAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

 

Been just sitting here letting my fingers rest While Listening to the windy/rainy sounds outside. It is definitely a fall sound. I love it. Hmm, I wonder if my bistro set is wet. Let’s check that out! Whew!!!!! It was cold and breezy out there! Chair was dry, but the wind was going right through me. Trees just a’dancin!! Makes being inside feel that much more cozy. Hmm, I think we are going to jump in the shower a few minutes early. Take the chill out of my bones and help dry my hair before going out there. I’ll meet you back here in a few moments. J

 

Ahh, there we go! Already shiny and new and ready for work! Feel pretty warmed. Hmm, even Chief is up!! Maybe the winds died down and I can open the door cat-width again. J Yep, yep it’s a beauty out there. Perfect temp, slight breeze and rain in sight!

 

The kitties darted to the other side of the apartment when I came in from outside. Kind of makes me feel like the monster that swallowed New York. I know if I were ever robbed, they’d be the first under the bed! Good kitties!

 

Next, day dream? Be visiting the boys soon. Really, am looking forward to all that. Jacob on Saturday and Macadam and family on Sunday. Better check my money status when I get to work too. Have to fill up the tank to get all the way out to Jacobs. Can do! Can do! With this pleasant thought, I will leave you! Have a good one! Off to work!

Is Splendific a Word?

Good Morning, and a special hi to Deb. Thanks for keeping me on my toes! We’ve been over at the other journal for the Masters’ work trying to finish out the semester. It officially ends on Sunday. I only have left now to write a reflective paper due on Saturday, midnight for the lifespan course, then on Sunday I need to wrap up the writing course by completing a portfolio of all the stuff we’ve been doing in that course. Big project, but since it is the last, we should be ok. We are being heavily encouraged by its completion signifying SCHOOL VACATION!!!

We’ve been in pretty good shape emotionally since our last bout of whatever it was. I feel very free now in thinking I have a whole 45 minutes to write before I’m expected to leave for work. Although, Dr. M. & V. Are both out of town, I am handling things pretty well. It has helped significantly, taking off some time from work this week. I went in Monday for a meeting, yesterday all day including the staff training meeting, and I’ll go in a half day today, so I can cover the Thinking Group meeting. There are a few nice things coming up in the next couple of weeks. One will be a free day when the group goes out for miniature golf, and another which is almost like a "free" day in that we’ll have a staff appreciation day. It gives us a chance to meet more personally with Sr. Tess, then we’ll all go out and get a few items from the teacher’s store, and then we’ll end an early day being taken out for lunch! YAYYYY! Usually, means I’m going to be eating real steak and shrimp!!!

I have arranged next weekend to be spending time with two of the boys. I’ll meet jacob for lunch and a good talk on Saturday, and macadam and his family for a brunch on Sunday. I am looking very forward to this time, especially since I won’t be having homework, so it will be guilt-free!!!

Although Dr. M. And V. Are both at meetings out of town right now, we are feeling pretty stable ... Lots of time spent getting papers accomplished after having lost that one week. We’re getting there though. I hope to be writing in this journal over those couple of weeks off. The next courses start October 3rd. I will want to start some of that course work a weekend ahead of time, because I didn’t last time and stayed for a whole semester about a week behind myself. Yeeks don’t want to try that again.

I figure I have a whole ½ hour now to do whatever I want. YAYYYYYY! I already finished one paper this morning, made my comments, and figure that since I reserved all of my time from here til midnight tomorrow in getting the next paper done, I have time to burn. Although, I have to admit, I am most interested now in thinking over the development of this last paper.

Basically, the task is to write about what we’ve learned after a long semester of Lifespan psychology as it is integrated into our profession. All along, we’ve been writing conclusionary paragraphs as to the work either sublimating thoughts of our development or that of the clients at work. But, as of now, we are thinking it would be nice to review the work, while pushing ahead as to the work we would like to do in the future. There is a teensy problem in that we have not really thought of this. But, that is exciting, because we love to figure things out, especially, in psychology.

My first thoughts as to the work that lies ahead of me five years down the line is to be writing programs for adults with developmental disabilities that include individualism and self-determination. I would love to get self-regulation in here too, as to I believe this is going to heavily influence the work I do, but at this point I’m about 1200 pages from making sense out of all that!

So, how do I frame this developmentally? My first thoughts are that the clients I will be working with are entirely adults, but developmentally scan the age ranges included in Lifespan thinking. I spent a semester following pretty closely the material in the textbook. I would now like to integrate it a bit. When I think of writing programs I see in front of me the options of textbook/workbook and computer. Hmm, have to pause here to think. This is where things are going to become constructive!

Maybe the thing to do would be to write several sections ... in a sense, plan the project around Erikson’s developmental stages. Hmm, it be interesting to develop a program as the textbook, we’ve been using divides things up. Where Erikson has 8 stages, there are 14 chapters in the book, because it takes more time with middle childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, because there are so many things going on in those areas, especially in relationships. The situation with mental retardation is that most the clients I’m working with fall into those areas. There are too, younger than this and older than this. The point of my project would be to include the whole lifespan and sell it as a project. I’ve never seen anything utilizing psychological processes in the market.

next thought, is how can I work these issues to become learning modules? For example, if one important life span construct is to develop attachment, then what would I have the client learning through a developmental workbook or computer program? Let me think. I think we would be looking for this kind of work as it relates to day-training. Just in the state of Illinois, there are 60,000 adults being treated in adult day training centers like ours. This is the population, I would be aiming for. It would seem logical then that the attachment figures we would be looking at are between either the client and the staff, or the client and his peers. One of the first things we would have to do as an attachment step would be to establish trusting relationships. This would mean particularly the staff would need to provide for the needs of the client. Hmm, since we are operating out of the client’s independence. Maybe we would have to concentrate on him or her providing for their needs with only staff assistance. They would need then to learn staff is trustworthy in this position. How could I then establish a goal in this regard?

Thinking of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. This would mean starting with physiological needs, safety needs, belongingness & Love needs, Esteem Needs, Needs to know & Understand, Aesthetic Needs, Self-Actualization, than Transcendence. Whoo! Tall order!!! Hehehe, Maybe we could work on just some of the basic needs! It wouldn’t be difficult to come up with physiological Goals. It sure be an interesting project to list specific development physiological steps from the lowest functioning client to the highest. Hmm, WoW!!! What a thought! What happened if we could cross-reference Maslow with Erikson? That would mean working with eight levels of functioning each on the level of physiological needs, because they would be different if you were one year old or younger (developmentally speaking) from when you were 3 or 6, or 12 or 20 years of age. AHA!!! We’ve got something interesting happening here! Alas, my fun time is over :( Need to be getting to work. AHA!! There is car time! That’s always a slendific time to ponder! YAYYYYYY!

Be taking care!

Ok, Little Breather Here

Good morning. I thought that I should let someone know that I am doing much better over the last few days than I was doing earlier last week. No more smut stuff. YAYYY! I’ve got just a little bit of time before I take my shower and head out to Dr. M’s and a little bit of work. We have a staffing tomorrow and am hoping to get a chance to talk to the DSP. I don’t know ... this one makes herself absent on staffings quite a bit ... hoping to get some information from her though. Not sure ... she likes to take the day off after being on vacation too. We’ll have to see.

I slept in this morning ... not sure why. I had gotten up around 2 am. Ate breakfast and then felt very tired. I had gone to bed at 7:30 pm, so hadn’t expected it. I have gotten about half way through the paper I started last night. This one is about people in their middle ages. It was kinda of a downer in that we had to explain how we change physically and cognitively. I think I lost it on the reminders of how much we start to wrinkle and sag. Ugh.

Enough of that!

There is good news in that V. Is getting strong enough to go to work. YAYY! And our other friend might stop by on his way home. He’s only working one day, because he plans to head out for a very long 5-day fishing weekend. I know he really likes to do that sort of thing. So we’re thinking good for him. Of course, that leaves us a little more lonely for him. But, it’s very nice to welcome him home again!

I’m not so happy about going into work, but I am thinking it is going to be a pretty short day.

We’re a little nervous about going into Dr. M.’s though traditionally seeing him is one of the week’s high points. Think we have some psychological clean-up work to be doing. Think especially Saturday had some set-backs. For now, it’s kind of hard to think about all that.

Mostly, we’re tuned to the school work. Over the weekend, we had caught-up on the Writing course and had made a little advancement in writing and reading in the Lifespan course. Another thing that had happened though is that we’d gotten our check for the books we need to order for next semester. From that point, we went into Amazon a little too heavily. Books were ordered beyond what the courses or check would cover. This morning, I looked at my check book and wanted to cry. I don’t know what gets into us. It’s like having those extra books is a matter of life and death. I know we are going off the ledge, because realistically, we do not have the time to be reading everything that is ordered. Just the feeling of having the books to resource at our fingertips is an overwhelming feeling of security.

Just thinking now ... this has been a long-standing problem. It started in elementary school with book ordering. We weren’t satisfied until we got about a dozen books. What was the company ... maybe Scholastic Book Club? It seems whenever there is money that becomes our top priority. Somehow it seems the books become part of our identity and contribution to the future. I have to be careful with my thoughts there, because I see the boys as most likely throwing a good majority away. That thought breaks my heart, because in the action, I feel as if they would be throwing me and my life away. But, they would be in the right. To them the books would be unnecessary clutter, where for me, I look at each title and it brings memories to life. It reflects where I’ve been and the changing interests I have had.

Ok, ok ... you get my drift here? Still down that nostalgic path... It seems as if I have collected nothing else in life, except my direct furnishings and books. No candles, dolls, videos, CDs, or funny glass figurines. Just books.

Hmm, maybe it is time I take my shower. It’s a little bit early yet, but I’m within minutes of the time I usually take the medicine, and maybe then, I will have a half hour to look up the next question the paper requires. I have to answer a broad question on social changes that occur in mid-life. We are into the home stretch. This is week ten and we end on Saturday of week 11. Need to get a move on things. It seemed strange, but after I finished this last chapter, I looked ahead and there was only one more left. It has to do with people in their older years. It seems to have taken a long time to get to the middle years and in one chapter it is done and we’re looking at retirement and death. Somehow this doesn’t seem quite fair.

I will miss this course immensely. It has been a lot of work, but I remained tied into the lessons very closely. V. Said something about being glad when I don’t associate so personally with the material. I have mixed feelings about this. It would seem more professional to be looking at it with arms length, but I’m not sure that alone would have made the course worth while. I thought about it a lot yesterday while reading over the sections on leaving a legacy. I should be 50 by the time we end, IFI can stay on course. Realistically, that is 10-15 years left to work and leave my mark. Because the future is so unsure, it is hard to tell where all this will end. It seems though the day to day value of knowing more and more ... justifies the end so far down the path. It’s hard to believe, but by the end of next week and the beginning of the next semester come October 3rd, I will have completed 20% of my masters work. That’s definitely on the trail of where I want to be. We’re now into it almost 5 months and still looking forward.

Hmm, one more set of thoughts. I looked into the next courses. They are going to be on multi-cultural and Cognitive/affective behavior. I sorted through a good amount of material on what all that will be covering. I appreciate the hell out of Amazon for allowing people to read into the books a bit. And, I read the long version of what will be required In the courses. Some pretty big writing projects ahead. I think each course ends with a 25-30 page paper. I like to think I am getting better at this. I hope with the paper I am on and the next one to be including a little more analysis and synthesis. Though so far, I am writing as per standard quoting and paraphrasing each sentence by sentence. I guess one of the things I have in mind and part of what keeps me honest, is that I really do want a good solid reference to go back to when I get to the end point and am required to look back in a collective spirit. I feel proud of the papers’ accuracy by having kept so close to its basis. It really excites me to thinking of being able to pull together in my mind big elements of knowledge. Oh yeah ... I stopped by at a sight yesterday too where I found a fairly simple explanation on how memory works. I added the whole thing to my Masters’ journal. I can’t help to think that my memory would be assisted by thinking of the processes more systematically. Pretty gosh darn cool stuff!

Loosing Time... Grr...

 

"Among other things, it seems clear that your visits to those web sites were to devalue yourself, to deny the validity of your right to be nurtured by those closest to you. There are probably few things you could imagine that are more debasing to you" (Deabler, 2005).

 

Dear Dr. M.,

 

    This thing isn't going away.  Having problem getting back to the school paper.  I figure if I could only think through it, while at the same time acknowledging this is most likely the obsession.  Seems if I concentrate and acknowledge the obsession, I could stop it, but the need to understand is even greater.  Maybe these two divergent needs could reach some compromise.  Just think a little?  Hmm, here my diet buddy might remind me how well I do things in proportion.  V might just laugh, not at me but just as to remind me how ridiculous I can sometimes think.  I think he would say there is no compromise, you are either obsessing, or you are not.  Problem was when I turned to school work, I just become obsessed with those thought.  Most likely though school is the compromise.  If I'm going to obsess about anything, might as well get work done. 

 

    You would say, "First priority is to make things safe."  How am I with safety?  I need to think through grounding myself.  Me thinking through looking at youroffice seems better than where I am at, but probably not as good as seeing the room I'm in.  Hmm, means probably I should open the drapes and pick up the living room.  Seems like it's been about a month I've sat on the couches, with the exception of my friend being here.  Too much open space.  

 

    There was a process in falling asleep this morning.  Anna was out and hugged tight to Casey's dog.  We were under our familiar wonderful blanket and went through petting kitty rituals with Casey.  But, it wasn't until we pulled the blanket over our head that we felt truly comforted.  We were having flashbacks of hiding by being tucked in the closet with blanket or clothing pulled over our head.  This is an image of a three year old.  The flashbacks then go younger and include the Lassie dog at my Grandparents house.  We've seen the Lassie dog often enough to think it a part of the set of events.  I'm pretty sure that it was used to keep us from rolling away. Very young ... infant.   Had other images ... mostly pulling head to left, as similarly, I must have people I am walking with to the left.  We feel closest to our dog when he's blocking my left ear and he lines our left cheek.  Probably, because we're right handed and that is the hand used most often to block.  Seeing pictures now of an infant/child head toward head board, pulled away from Grandfather standing to the side of bed.  I feel more panicked with things coming toward my right eye.  It is my weaker eye.  We're feeling strong thoughts this last couple of days that having the semen land us, especially in our hair ... hmm just remembering my Grandmother washing and cutting hair in the kitchen.  We would get a cup of mini marshmellows if we sat patiently.  She had a huge nice white sink, a fancy black sprayer, and the high chair. 

 

    Sometimes when my Grandfather comes home he stops to sit on the high chair.  It was by the wall and table going into the other rooms.  If you passed the chair to the left, you would walk down a hall with a bathroom to the left and straight ahead to my Grandmother's room.  The second floor and third of the house were rented out, so her bedroom was the old formal dining room.  There were wooden/glass doors of a built in cabinet on the left side and on the right side, there were drapes over the sliding door from the hall, and combination living room/make shift dining room.  The dining room table was big enough to hold 12.  The girl cousins had to sit next to the big table at a little card table.  We never ate at the big table.  If you went to back to the high stool in the kitchen, if you would have gone straight by that way to the living room, you would have taken a step up.  There was two closets to the right and stairs going up to the second floor.  The stairs were double and there was a flower garden on the landing where the stairs turned.  There was a big comfortable chair in this risen area in front to the left of my Grandfather's room.  Behind it was a coved wall where the store catalogues were kept.  It was a favorite occupation to look at pictures in the wish book.  My Grandfather's room was the old library.  It was shut opened with double wooden pocket doors.  His long dresser was to the right and there were glassed book shelves to the left.  The bed was a four poster.

 

    Anyway ... not grounding ourselves very well.  Too many pictures.  If my Grandfather was sitting at that chair, there was a good chance he would grab out at you and sit you in his lap.  He'd give whisker burns to little screaming girls.  His breath always smelled of alcohol.  He liked to cover it with black licorice.  He owned his own window washing business, so he came home for lunch.  Then after work, he would take a nap, then you would have to take a nap too.  We've had nightmares of him sitting in that chair, I have no doubt he would be hard, but I'm pretty sure he never exposed himself in my Grandmother's kitchen ... Her bed was dangerous and his bed was dangerous.  'Cept there was a cabinet door right when you walked into my Grandmas' room where there would always be pads of papers, a big shoe box of pencils, and some plastic forms to trace alphabets and pictures.  There were metal cans under the cabinet to the right in the kitchen where she kept cookies.  It was accessible to little kids.  Like a puppy, I ran to it each time entering her house.  It was a reward.   

 

    They moved from that house to a smaller one off Minnetonka creek, when I was about eight.  We used to love the sledding hill.  The old house was a two blocks from the lake.  There were six lakes called, "the Chain of Lakes."  Ok, ok back to safe memories ... I liked the lakes.  We got to walk down there if we were staying the day without parents.  I remember walking with my Grandfather and Great Grandfather to feed the ducks, but that was at a further lake, the closer little lake we could walk around in one morning or afternoon.  The little lake my Grandmother walked us to.  Can't remember the lakes names, I know there was a Lake Harriet.  Don't remember the others.   Hmm...   Chain of Lakes - Sports & Recreation - Minneapolis, MN, 55409 - Citysearch  AHA, Our little lake was Lake of the Isles, that's right.  They were were Ceder Lake, than Lake of the Isles, then Calhoon and Harriet, and Nakomis and Hiawatha.   They lived on the west side of the 2600 block of South Humbolt - second house.  Map of Chain of Lakes - Sports & Recreation - Minneapolis, MN, 55409 - Citysearch.  My Aunt Alice lived two blocks south on Humbolt in an apartment.  She was the one my Grandfather was going to marry.  He was engaged to her when he got my Grandma pregnant.  :(

 

    Shoot, shoot ... I really got to get past this.  Stop, stop... Got up ... went to the kitchen.  Cut a piece of watermelon.  Took my evening medicine a little early.  Quarter after 4 pm now.  Started to reread ... I think I was supposed to try grounding self by opening curtains and cleaning up living room.  Hmm...  Ok, ok ... brought computer boxes to back of house.  Two trips.  Building people left a typed note on my door bringing it too my attention, we'd left them in the front hallway for five months.  Just don't go out front door enough to remember.  Took some laundry out of living room ... Sometimes, I get dressed within a foot or two of the computer.  And, I turned on light and opened drapes.  Feel fretful.  Pillows on couch all messed up due to Super friend and me.  Hmm...  Need to fold blanket.  What's on the table?  Not very much, maybe I could light the candle tonight.  Wow, don't remember the last time I looked at living room.  Maybe I should sit down in living room for a bit.  Just watch a little football.  Don't know which teams are playing.  Have to leave the computer though.  Ok, maybe if we could visualize where we are going to sit.  Maybe in the corner where the couches meet.  Maybe, I could take dog and the blanket?  Thought of the knife.  We don't need that, right?  Ok, we're going to move.  We can do this.

 

Mi

Getting Stronger

Maybe a shorter journal entry. I'm aware of school pressing in on us, but am not able to get there quite yet. Trying very hard. We wrote to Dr. M. last night right before our friend got here. He responded to the email this morning, before I got him the long letter. We were still saying no then, but with both Dr. M. and our friend, we were able to indicate our next danger, no pills, but now we’re feeling more control can say yes to medicine. Hmm, not able to say no to things bad for us ... grandfather and not taking medicine ... same thing, danger. Thoughts here on schoolwork, how women hand over there power to men, sexually. In doing so, we have to think, we are going to be taken care of. Dr. M. hasn't responded, so I think he knows we're past the danger point. We’ve got the power to take care of self. Hopefully, at least. We all have to be waiting for that sperm. Symbolically, I suppose, just as every male needs to spread their cum on the partners chest or face. Like a dog claiming the fire hydrant.  Ok, ok slow down... That thought belongs on the other side of sanity.

Need to trust here. Dr. M. Is not going to hurt us. This is just our craziness talking. We are back to the cautionary look-out for set-back. Our thinking again is distrusting. Feel a small amount of anger. There’s some emotional detachment from our important people. Trying to get out of dependent. Still feel that kind of urgency, for a need to wrap this up and get onto something more safe. Worrying over Kelsey. Think it is through her that we step into this kind of crisis. I don’t know how to distinguish between feelings of obsession with manicky. Feels like Corey holds the scale balancing key, figure it out, or I will give into drastic measure. Thinking though it was most likely Lissa that held the knife to our throat. Our break with reality had been in trying to combine the double image intellectually of the sense of intimacy with Dr. M. and the younger parts. We didn’t hold up.

Ok, that was then and this is now. How do we and what are we supposed to be processing. Looking at it now, we could have perceived that our friend was going to have a tough time with us. I'm so sorry when people get dragged into my life. Thinking has been long since, that the that tri-thing with males is for safety though. If safety depended on a female relationship, we might be dead.We have light friendships with women, but never, never in-depth ... Dr. M. had stopped feeling safe, and I was not feeling safe, so V could not have been here even if he wasn’t sick, that’s the deal.  He gets the bye.  Our friend is obviously still in our line of acting-out. It took him 45 minutes to calm us enough to take the medicine, but we were still angry.  I feel I have to take one more step in figuring out.

We’re in touch with the thought of Dr. M having gone through a couple of sessions, particularly the last where he was close to our younger parts. We still have no idea as to what his relationship with them was. We can hear the soft talking, but can’t distinguish words, or where we were at. I know we or he never leaves the opposite side of the room. I think we have an imprinted image of my Grandfather on him.  He takes on the persona of our grandfather and since we couldn't act out having sex with him, we went on a binge with the sex sites, it seems as simple to me now as it is psychologically complex at the time. What is this "need" to be connected sexually. Hmm, thinking of our "attachment" to grandfather instead of mother. Then it seemed we were acting out ... trying to say no to the sex by saying no to friend and dr. M. Maybe this is a connection to wanting to be dead thoughts. Maybe we held some threat to ourselves even back then. I’m not sure. Our mother wouldn’t have cared, but what about Grandfather? Still believe the three males to have been Grandfather, father, and big brother. I believe my mother would have killed us if it weren’t for the males presence. Especially, her father.

Maybe the thoughts we are fighting is that there wasn’t anyway to say no ... sexual abuse kept happening and that somehow becomes the obsessive part, we can’t say no to our own self-destruction, cuz we’ve internalized the abusers. When I got out this morning, I could say no. Close down the sexual abuse we were putting ourselves through, but the younger parts can’t do this. How do we better protect them. How do we make Dr. M. safe again. Hmm, maybe we did in respect, we put down the knife with him and renewed at least a short-term moratorium on death. Still have to get through the session tonight. Seems the scary part has been for us all along that the youngest parts have time out with him. Theoretically, we KNOW he is not going to sexually abuse them, but we don’t think that is what the younger parts are going to think.

Still processing thoughts ... it’s about an hour later though. Just connected to the crises in New Orleans. My friend had said something about it last night. He knew I had lost time. This news feels devastating as far as I can think about it. My first thought was I have an extra bedroom. Maybe for a small family? Then I think stop. Stop. Maybe I will not have to be involved in a catastrophe, maybe I couldn’t feed them, can’t feed myself proper. I’m better suited for financial contribution, then I think I’m pretty sure my checking account is in the red again, because I haven’t gotten my pay check. Ok, Ok ... first step, concentrate on being able to get check at 3:30 pm. Dr. M’s by 4:30. Go to bank afterward. So, by 2:30 should be back in the shower. I can do this ... It’s about 11:30 am now.

Three hours to process feeling safe again. I could do something. Probably have to be in reality away from the computer as Dr. M. suggested. Just for a little bit. I could clean up my workspace and kitchen counter. Shouldn’t be too bad, because our friend got us to do the same yesterday. We need to get a garbage bag too. Ok, ok ... deep breath. Ok ... that’s done. Feeling pretty stressed out though. Shallow breathing, panicky. Hmm, music is mucked up ... Tried to close it down and start program again. Think it’s on their end. It’s skipping song to song as if someone just gave the list a spin. Seems though as if we have made it through 451 Barbra songs. Cool. Maybe after Dr. M’s we’ll play something different.

Ok music is back. Had to skip a couple songs. Obsessive. Shoot. Well, maybe a little is ok. Darn music down. Ok, we can deal with it. We also opened the drapes. Been in the dark all morning. We usually test out reality by looking around the room. If we can see objects, we are closer to it than before. Hmm, I wonder if I could form an adult attachment to my computer as my symbiotic mother? Maybe, maybe? No, it’s definitely a male computer. We’ll maybe not definitively, because sometimes I tell her how sweet she is. Hmm, making a hard case for reality here. Wow, look at this! Hehe, his email address is set just right too! Let me think here. Seems I’m being presented a reality test. Ok, ok ... we’re game.

I'm a reporter for the Minneapolis Star Tribune writing about Capella University. I found your name in a Google search, and wondered what your experience with the school has been like. I'd also be curious to know whether you've completed a degree, and whether a Capella degree has helped you get the kind of job you seek.

I can be reached at this e-mail address or by calling 612-673-4553.

Thanks,

Steve Alexander
Minneapolis Star Tribune

So, we responded:

Thank you for your interest in me. I spent my childhood just outside Minneapolis in the city of Blaine. My experience with Capella University has been very satisfying to the point of being life changing already. I am only in my second semester and I hope to gain both Masters and Doctoral degrees for Psychology, specializing in education. I have a long way to go. My current job is as a QMRP (Qualified Mental Retardation Professional) at an adult day training center on the South Side of Chicago. I needed the BA degree, I obtained from St. Mary’s University of MN, to obtain this position. I hope in the future to work as a professional writing programs promoting independence and self-efficacy for people with developmental disabilities, particularly through providers, parents, and the community. Capella University has opened doors to my mind in thinking this much is possible.

I will try to explain this position as clearly and as briefly as I can. The first course Capella offers all students is their foundations course. I had made the decision to go back to school a month prior. I was scared to take that first course, because I didn’t know if I were getting in over my head. However, I learned through the first course that not only was I in the league, but through effort I would be smart enough to make it to the top of the educational platform - the doctoral challenge. The smart part is equal to the effort part. As in, you could do anything your mind could imagine.

Capella gave me this kind of confidence from the act of completing one simple step (assignment) at a time and by allowing not only teachers, but our peers to read the material and thereby give the work validity I needed to encourage me forward. Normally, there are two assignments a week one due midnight Wednesday and another due midnight Saturday. I am taking two courses sotime is stretched short. I feel as if I’m learning at an amazing speed. Since everything we’ve done so far relates to reading and writing, I can onlyimagine I am going to be very good at it. Since I want to write about learning, this is absolutely the way to go. This semester’s courses have been learning to write better research papers and lifespan psychology. I feel more accomplished and as if I’d lived my entire life over again as I read, wrote and compared the material, especially as lifespan related to my own life, and that of people I work with. It seems that whatever experience I am having in life away from school affects school in an integrated manner and vice-versa. I don’t need to wait 5 years to see if "I’d made it," I feel it every time I go to my computer to read the next assignment. I think, "I’m making it today!" I find in myself already the learner practitioner Capella has invited me to be.

Hmm, good enough a to be a seminal event. Is that right? Better look it up. Seminal - 1: of, relating to, or consisting of seed or semen Yikes! AHA 2: containing or contributing the seeds of development. Ahh, that’s better.  This is the me who knows we can get back on the trail after psychological shut-downs.  The paper made us feel too powerful, I think.  We were within our means and ability, but not ready for that big a jump, nor leap of faith.

Another Break...

Hmm, seems like we are away now from our thinking hard parts. Our friend surprised with a half sandwich and a 30 minute lunch. We were doing ok, until the last few moments when he "forced" us onto the scale. We were still scolding him as he left for insisting on his point of view after we said, "No." I admit we are floating in and out of reality, but I know enough that you don’t eat a sandwich in the middle of the day, THEN step onto a scale. How real is that!?? In reality, people shouldn’t try to control others unless one is holding a knife or refusing necessary medicine, or some similar such stuff. Dr. M. wrote and told us if we didn’t take the medicine, it would be a sure way to end up in the hospital. YIKES! None of us wants that! Though a couple of these last few days, I was willing to bet my life with it. Please don’t any of you decide to become psychotic. It’s no good.

Hmm, thinking we’re pretty close to the end of our today thoughts. It’s about 2 pm now. Think we need to jump in the shower in a half hour. Maybe we have a few more minutes. Let’s see shower 2:30, leave 3:00, at work 3:30, leave 3:50, at Dr. M.’s 4:30 pm. Yes, that works for me. Lordy, I’ve become a psychiatric patient waiting for nothing else, but the next session. Seems we’ve been here before. I am going to refrain as much as possible toward my hospital thoughts, cuz it seems that there is always one of us that will go to anydegree conceivable. Let’s not let it be the hospital. Shoot, that’s another familiar psychiatric thought. While you are in there, you are pretty much thinking this is the worst place to be other than jail, because they lock the doors and won’t let you out! Whoops thinking that away again.

If V. Were here, he’d ask about the weather. Ok, we’ll look up weather. 84 partly cloudy. Just read another story of New Orleans. Just doesn’t make sense to me. I remember after 9-11 being stunned. I’m trying to avoid that. I think it must be the same for most people. Also, remember losing time over it. We got ourselves out by taking the advise that was being passed around at that time. The best thing to do was to continue living the best one could. But, prayers are extended outward.

Hard Four days of our Life - Part 1 of 2

Dear Dr. M.,       

I'm sorry for all the confusion.  We told our friend about not taking the medicine.  It took about 45 minutes and tears, but he was finally able to persuade us to do the right thing.  We had only missed Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, but it is something we shouldn't have done.  We were hurting and angry about not being able to take pills or cut.  We were yelling at him something about not wanting any part of reality.  We got a lot of lecturing including obligations about school and work.   

This morning, we woke up nervous and worried, but thinking the more familiar thoughts of asking ourselves where we are in school work.  This is something we haven't felt, since last Saturday when we handed in the last assignment.  We are also feeling more distanced from the sex site as if we have some control back.  I'm not sure how to handle the school situation.  Would it be appropriate to get a note for the two teachers from you, or is this something I should be facing alone?   I'm backed up 5-6 papers.       

There has been no sex the last two times our friend has been here while we were messed up.  Responsibly speaking, I think we had been too far gone for him to be there.  I think he was hit on the first time, but then not after.  He came down us too for not being able to get out of the house to pick up our check.  We will email Sr. this morning, so that we can pick it up at 3:30 pm before our appointment with you this afternoon.        

I feel bad about what's happened and not sure why this all has happened.  We had come from a very good sexual situation with our friend Friday night.  We were behind in school, so finished up with the writing course, then preceded to catch up with Lifespan.  We needed to do the assignment due last Wednesday and the one due that evening.  We only finished the first.  The teacher had given the class an assignment to discuss male and female identity.  So instead of just writing a few paragraphs, we completed a summary of all 17 students papers of the students who had been handed in at that time.  We hadn't expected the teacher to respond to it, because he hadn't responded to any of our peers for that assignment.  We felt it was something we needed to do to really understand it, because the reading that week seemed to have very little to do with male and female identity.  I will include a link to the paper as I see it having some bearing on where we were.  We were manicky at the time and knowledgeable that the next assignment was on intimacy.  But by the time we woke up Sunday morning, we were already too far gone to even look at it.  We have not been able to even consider this as part of what was happening over the last four days ... we'd simply see the work school and think, "NO!"  

PSY7210 - U8, 8.1  

Looking at the paper now, if I were to change anything, I would rework another conclusion, but I'm not wanting to go back to that.  Even now we're skimming the words and can't hold the whole concept of male/female identity in our head.    And, we are not sure what we were seeing in the sexual pictures and movies we were watching.  I think we were watching from more a studious position than from a sensual position.  Not that that wasn't involved too, we had one incident of ... well you know... but, that inclination wasn't there the remaining time.  Never even thought of touching ourselves.  Someone during the process had stated we were looking for pain.  Wanting something to relate the childhood sexual abuse to.  I think this was only one truth.  The last scene we saw that seemed our saturation point was a female/female scene where there was much more intimacy.  Looking at the list now the sites we had selected to visit out of 56 offered were called (but not visited in this order), tranny trouble, man hunter, gay hitchhiker, naughty therapy, sugar mamas, amazing anal, girl for girl, perfect orgy, secret fetishes, she's huge, and taboo insertions.  I'm not proud of this list in the least and feel a little vulnerable in even admitting these interests.  We'd not done this before.  The three sites that held the most interest were gay hitchhiker, naughty therapy, and sugar mamas.  And, then as mentioned previously, we concluded with girl for girl.        

We said something to our friend about while he was trying to get us to turn it off, that none of the sex, except maybe the lesbian couple at the end had shown much intimacy like between him and us.  There was almost a relief when the one that was doing the pounding, touched the head of the other in a rubbing/fondness type fashion.  We found ourselves mentally testing the formula ... First someone would be licking/sucking, most often a male penis, there was very little hand manipulation of the female sexual organs, and much, much more pure insertion of penis in mouth, vagina, or anus.  And, in each of those orifices it was a matter of how long they could go in and out before of tiring.  Lot of noises being made.  We found ourselves frustrated if it would go on too long, or too short.  People seemed real nice to each other through the process even as they were tipping each over in various positions.  In the end, all was a cold abrupt - see you.  We felt frustrated in that while it seemed the woman was having on average 1.3 orgasms, the whole business, except for the lesbians were ending with the male coming.  Then it would seem EVERYone was relieved.   The people seemed driven, worked hard, then collapsed.  Same formulas over and over again.  The camera man was part of the act as well, though we found it distracting when someone would visually leave his or her partner to smile at the camera person.  Except with the gay hitchhiker.  That camera man, partner, was very much talking through out the sex and he posed a more casual relationship as a threesome, which we came to appreciate.  It allowed the "victim" some sense of relief I think.  In that situation, they would go out by car and pick up males having some kind of transportation problem.  Most of those guys had never experienced male on male sex.  The picker-uper guy didn't appear to want to brutalize the guy, but he was very sure that the guy was going to be sexed.  It wasn't until the end after a couple of frail male pick-ups that we understood this was rape.  We felt as if we were on both sides of that situation.  With the overweight women, we might have been looking for some sort of empathy.  We got very tired of regular skinny women, in that they were harder to identify with.  We felt the heavier women more considerate of their partner, perhaps though because the guy almost always started off by saying, my type of woman isn't fat.  With the therapy relationship one the female would come in with some sort of ailment and everything was resolved by the sex therapist, Dr. Strangelove.  We were able to stop interest in this after watching over and over again his same exact manner of treating the females.  They were slapped into submission.  There were only so many positions you could turn someone on a couch.  He was the most forceful with the women than almost all the other scenes, except we watched a series of real trashy people in the orgy bar scene.  Even the "gang" situations there was more kindness than the orgy.  That was toward the end too.        

Ok, ok we're going to discontinue those thoughts too.  I don't want to get obsessed back into it.  Just know that for most of four days, we went obsessively from scene to scene early morning to late evening.  Felt, I was wearing an overcoat.  We showed a preference for movies over snapshots, and we were very investigative of each of the web sites as we are investigative completely of most web sites after we start visiting.  The overweight girls was our home base and that is the site we exhausted.  As mentioned previously there was a lot to look at and we are now in the position of thinking we need to get ourselves out of it.  We could hear you and our friend saying this wasn't the solution, but today is the first time, we felt we knew that too.  We only paid for three days, but since we were still viewing the fourth day means most likely  they automatically charged our credit card for more time.  Maybe I'll try to do that now.  Hold on.  Ok, emailed them about how to quit.  They've got it rooked so there are like six places I could be billed from, which confuses the issue.  So, I wrote to Sugarmamas asking specific instructions.  Most places are pretty good about sending this kind of information, though now instead of being billed $2.00, I am most likely going to be billed $29 (month).  I just have to deal with that.  We're also going to need dealing with most likely the site will be available for the month if they bill us for that.  *Sigh*       

As far as personal feelings.  I'm obviously going through more than just happened to see a few dirty pictures.  I know that in some mysterious way this is all part of where we are with the younger parts and their being more available to you.  Maybe in a perverted kind of way it was our way of experiencing you sexually, but safely because you weren't there.  We've felt a lot of stuff.  Right now though it is giving me a headache, so I'm going to stop, take something and try something else.  I'm not sure what.  Starting to feel a little lost and helpless.  Feel down again.  Maybe just a little at a time.  Let me take something ... maybe it wouldn't hurt to take our regular medicine too.  We're just 45 minutes ahead of schedule.  Think we need to put something on our stomach too.       

Ahh, that's better ... enough milk for this one last bowl of cereal.  Got some hot coffee too.  I feel myself again.  I feel, however, leery about school work.  Still missing V.  Somewhere in the process, I thought of the tri-thing.  Seems I always need the presence of three males for me to feel safe.  When V got sick, I turned to the third position coming from each of the males we were watching through the videos.  I've never figured out the tri-thing, but it still is holding out consistently, into my 46th year.       

I still need to figure out what I'm going to do next, so we don't get lost on the way.  Dr. W. used to say something about us not being able to maintain hold/control of the ship.  We need to doc into someplace safe.  Hmm, feeling a need to go back to our last correspondence through your IM.  Maybe there is someway we can track our next destination through that.  Hold on.              

I don't want to think too much into it as a not so innocent bystander, but it seemed like most of the sex was the same, in that, each had mouth and hands which would somehow manipulate breasts, vaginas, penis', or anus'.  We have no interest in feet.  There were no sites for s/m or children, pretty sure if there had been, we would have looked at them too.          

Hmm, looked over the correspondence over the last couple of days.  I am able to feel some distance from it, not thoroughly though.  What strikes me most is loss of control and not being able to distinguish reality from one another.  That through a persistent desire not to do as anyone was telling us to do.  Hmm, found this too ... I had been working on a journal article for MPD, but it all got too crazy to post ... it seems relevant now.  I am going to conclude here.  And, maybe try to do a real posting to MPD from the standpoint of where we are now.  Not sure if this is going to work though, because we've written most our thoughts to you here.  Might just post this email.  It's become very important to us in figuring out the next step.  Sometimes posting helps me process what needs to come next and honors our processing.  However, I will not post the other correspondences that have happened in the last couple of days trying to get me back to sanity.  I'm far from the normal journal circuit to worry about privacy.  V's not reading while he's been sick, and there is a nice newer lady named Deb, and sometimes an older friend Maria.  I would hope they each know me enough to know that we go through suicidal ideation and upsets often enough to know this is "normal" and that we take care of it with you and our friend and our writing.  And, that we probably am not a sexual pervert, just happened this last four days, we've been nowhere but from this point.  *Sigh.*  It's over now though, right???   Missing journal entry written on Tuesday, though it is now Thursday.  For good or bad ... all this stuff is a part of me too.   

Good morning.  It’s just me.  It is early yet this morning.  I just finished removing some adware from the computer.  Dumb stuff.  Serves me right from going to places I don’t belong.  It has been awhile since I wrote and I’m feeling kind of lost, so I figured if I took a few moments writing in my journal that it might help.  This entry might be kind of warbly and rambling.  Sorry for this in advance.   See V.  Falling apart here ... need you to get better.  

Damn, 25,000 characters! Part 2 of 2

 

Ok, ok ... so we’re a little mopey.  It’s been said.  We’ve had a hard time concentrating on homework.  We worked hard on Wednesday’s homework on Saturday, and have barely started Saturday’s homework let alone a full workload this week.  And, it is Tuesday.  The good part is that we’ll be staying home the rest of the week and maybe into next week.  We need to be working, but it’s been a little relieve.   

Basically, what happened is that our office flooded twice in one week.  3" of water that was so high, in one hour it filled our office, the next one, and the training room next door.  Word is that it spread actually to the next two course rooms.  Pretty much a big mess.  Lost a few things (mostly paper), but fortunately, our computer made it because it was raised on a little platform that was part of the desk.  It has taken a toll on our wood furniture though.  Sr. Tess had building people out.  She’d given up hope on the architect and the builder, because neither were doing anything and just blaming each other.  Think that three sets of other people came in and they brought the necessary equipment to be checking out the underneath stuff.  The results weren’t good in that they figured out that two pipes weren’t connected so when it rained the water ... well, as we mentioned, it was a mess.  My furniture is now spread between the other two rooms and out in the hall and there is a very big hole that takes up most of my office.  I feel homeless.  I stopped by and looked in at a distance.  There were a couple of guys standing there and a guy that was standing in the hole digging at hip level.  Appeared to look like grave digging ... *Gulp*    

I was temporarily relocated to Sr.’s office.  Although my computer hasn’t been set up and won’t be until the office is reconstructed, Sr and I came to terms, in that, she figured that I could be doing some of my work from home.  She said it was an impossible situation.  So, in all we’re having a little respite.  I was worried about my stuff being out in the hall, and sure enough one of the clients was busted yesterday after a peer turned him in.  He’d taken keys out of the desk.  Sr. Turned the desk backwards against the wall.  Thank you sister.  Didn’t feel so sorry for the client.  He was supposed to have been treated out to McDonald’s for doing a good jobwith his thieving.  When someone is stealing from you, you start to feel a little angry.  It gets personal.  Eh, gotta let it go ... like I said, desk is turned around now.  Heaven forbid one of the clients takes a client file though which isn’t turned around.  I had taken out desk items I might need, but we still need access to client files.  Hmm, just thought.  Maybe it would be a good idea to lock them up too ... believe there is a key to that cabinet.  Should have thought about that yesterday while we were in.  Shoot.  Maybe, we can fix it when we go in to pick-up our pay check.  Whenever that is... Shoot, forgot keys are inside turned desk :(   *Sigh*

Next?   Hmm, can pick and choose between items to be discussed.  There are a few.   I do want to mention that we were out to see our youngest son on Sunday.  That is always a very nice thing.  He’s been back to school for a week now.  I have to remember next time to bring his pillows he accidently left here.  Went right over my head, poor kid.  We went out to a Chinese all you can eat place.  We did pretty good on diet.  Just had one plate and a dessert plate that was half watermelon.  Good me.  Unfortunately, there were a few other things like the barbecue at work on Friday that have re-adjusted my weight loss to be over the mark again.  Back to work on that score. 

Anyway, the important part was I had time with Jacob.  There were some things more personally stated, but for the most part, we (him and I) talked about things psychologically-related and a lot of listening/watching him convey things he’s going through on the games.  It is still his comfort zone.  I am very proud of him for all that he has learned and been able to do with the games.  It impresses me that he is able to learn so much because I figure what he can do with the one thing using his ability to concentrate, he can transpose into other areas eventually down the line.  He has a lot of heart ... this is something that all the boys have.  Pretty amazing all told.  But, maybe here we are starting to sound like a regular proud Mama?  After a nice long dinner, we both went to the park and sat out in the sun a while.  Enough, at least, to come home with a bit of a sunburn on my scalp and face.  We were going over with him the next phase of his school loan stuff and again more of the game.  Good Jacob!    

One of the more personal things that was said, is that he conveyed a sense of frustration with me in the thought that he has to take care of me.  That part has stayed with me.  He really isn’t taking care of me in that I work, pay the bills, manage a household (with help of friend), go to school etc. and he isn’t asked to do things for me ... like it is an unwritten rule that I don’t ask the boys for help hanging a curtain rod or anything.  However, on the other hand, as he used for an example his grandmother would have called and asked which of the top restaurants he would have liked to go to, where I had in the interim nearly canceled our appointment because I didn’t think I had the extra $20-30.  This and due to some of the parts presentation, I think what he is objecting to is that sometimes we portray ourselves to be fairly helpless.  I think all the boys are fighting my emotional dependency on them.  I can understand this somewhat, but in doing so, I have feelings of more abandonment, which might be part of what’s causing the problem in the first place. 

This is going to take more thinking to get through.   It was kind of funny though, Jacob acknowledged on the drive over to the park, that we were going to have an interesting relationship if we were both to become psychologists and in figuring each other out. *Giggle* Good Jacob!  

When we got back though, we were in an entirely different place.  We had been with our friend on Friday night and it had been an extremely good night.  He had come in late, which was planned, and had woken us up.  There have been other constraints over the past 3-4 weeks, which had loosened up.  Skipping over a lot of mushy stuff, we were left with the thought, “Oh man, oh Man.”  Ok, little goofy smiling. 

The sexual thread was picked up again the couple of days afterward.  ‘Cept it took the path of us looking around the Internet for stuff, which is obviously easy to find.  Yah, we’re talking about that kind of stuff.  Which, of course, didn’t help when adding that our psychological problems get exasperated with these kind of thoughts because they affect other parts, not as able to process due to the abuses.     

We were a mess by the time we got to Dr. M’s yesterday morning.  We’d gotten a little obsessive and we were literally, climbing his walls.  Well, sorta literally.  We were kind of bouncing around.  Younger parts were out and active.  I wish I could explain their presence more, but we’re still not as connected as we might be.  Like I know Dr. M. Was using his soft voice, but I don’t know what he said exactly.  There are a few markers though, such as, well... I’m not going to say here because they were pretty private.  Shoot, now we’ve got ourselves into a bind.  How are we going to process these thoughts.    Shoot.  Feeling suddenly very tired.  We need to lay down for a little bit.  Getting closed down.  It’s about quarter after 4 am now.  I think we’re going to have to process this next part.   

OK OK ... back again ... It’s now 6:51 am.  Just got done Iming with our friend.  Just a few simple words.  He usually makes sure we’re on track.  Says I have to go in to work to pick-up my check.  Grrr... Yuck, ptooey, ptooey!  The other thing about this friend of mine is that we share a lot of our resistances with him.  He, shall we say, know our usual tricks.  Damn!  

By the way ... we figured that it was going to be a Barbra Streisand day.  We went through about 50 albums and picked out about 500 songs, mixed them up and started with song #1.  She’s been playing since last night and beyond.  We get into our little fixes and figure to really get into an artist, we really hear them out.  Hehehe, ok we’re obsessive.  Eh.  Happens.  Dr. M. changed our medicine to help with this problem.  But for now we’re living it through it.   Reminds me that we should be taking our medicine.  It’s already quarter after 7 am.  Hmm.  Don’t want to ... this is probably another resistance.  If V were here he would say, “There is no excuse.”  He’s tough like that.  Hmm, seems there is a simple solution here.  Hmm...  Ok, going...  

Ok, ok ... that’s done, but now we’re a little crabbier!  Maybe too because we figured out we’re just one pack away from not having smokes.  Means we really are going to have to go out today.  Our friend predicted that we were going to want to bury ourselves in our home and not see the light of day.  He was right!  Just want to stay home.  Let’s wait until the medicine kicks in.  Maybe we’ll feel better later.  Sure do like the excitement in her voice... Think she’s always going to be on my top 5 list for female vocalists.  Barbra’s on the leader board, if not the top.  That’s my opinion of course.  Wonderful voice.  

Ok, now we’re skimmin off the top of our thoughts.  Need to get a little more substantial here.  Are we ready to go back to Dr. M. Stuff?  Umm, nope ... too hard.  Hmm, maybe something on that ... We’re not over being dismayed about being so physical in the meeting.  Parts we’re whimpering and so forth.  Too much movement.  Wish we knew what he had been saying.  We have never really moved too far from our tight corner on the couch, though sometimes the walls are pushed against.  I think our arms and hands become expressive too.  Wish we could explain it, but we can’t get a clear enough picture.  Hmm, that’s something ... someone was talking about pictures.  And touches.  I don’t know who was being touched, but could imagine. :(  Ok, we’re not going to the point we’re thinking we’re pretty crazy.  This is normal stuff I’m sure. 

Hmm, just thinking of looking at Dr. M. Again.  Sometimes this one game gets played out.  He somehow goes through this thing of looking away, and sometimes we catch it and try to look at him.  But, you know he’s not going to stay that way long, so you gotta look away fast.  I don’t know why or when this happens, but it does.  Are we starting to sound a little weird here?  It’s a very scary/exciting thing.  We try to memorize his face, but it’s hard.  Cuz, usually the looks are so fast.  He likes to wear a smiley face.  He is very handsome.  I know that he is younger ... maybe young to middle 30's, but sometimes due to different parts out, we get the impression of him being much older.  Somewhere in our mind, he has long become the most perfect person on Earth. 

Yet, we are so cautious of him.  Thinking here of the time talking to him on the phone after we’d taken an overdose.  Even then he didn’t have a mean voice, though it was rushed.  He said he was going to call the paramedics.  We got scared.  Two or three minutes later when he called back, we’d switched parts.  We weren’t the one challenging him, we were the one whowas scared to death of his power and our helplessness.  We could feel him being upset.  BUT, he was still nice.  So, how come he feels so threatening to us.   

Hmm, just thinking of the conversations this last couple weeks with the school stuff.  We’d been talking about Freud and his thoughts on penis’.  They are all powerful.  Yep, You know we are going to go on here to thoughts that our Dr. Has one.  Think this has been what’s been blowing us away this last couple of days.  Ok, you’re either calling us a pervert by now, or you are just following along.  Feeling pretty intense ... Washroom break.  

Did you miss me?  Feeling a little out of control.  More intrusive pictures of grandfather.  He was like almighty like Dr. M.  Suppose this is as usual meaning we are transposing one over the other.  Shoot ... where is our mind taking us now.  I think we said something about my grandfather going fast with his hands.  We were saying something about his touching us as he was masturbating.  Ok, ok ... calm down we’re saying big words here.  And it’s gotten personal cuz at the same time we’re thinking about our therapist.  I’m sure he is appreciating our public display of his sexuality. 

Of course, you know that he is never saying any of this.  Just our mind is going to that place and we seem pretty infatuated.  Sick, sick, sick ... Stop, stop!   Think it gets confused because if the images seem so powerful.  I don’t know why we’re trying to scare ourselves here.  I should feel some modicum of shame, but we don’t ... we feel like we’re standing on top the mountain, screaming, see don’t you see all these men ... they are wearing penis’!  No different then the middle ages where they all carried swords.  It’s got to be dangerous.  We watched a small movie with males being with males.  It’s no different they are all using their swords on each other if not on us.  

Oh oh here little break here.  ok.  Ok, ok ... we can be normal.    Hmm, that didn’t work so good.  Anyway ...   We’ve got bad stuff in us.  Bad seeds.  Turned us into a weed garden.    Hmm, time seems to be slipping by it’s now 11 am.  Lost time.  Way too much.  Having trouble concentrating.  Being way to inundated with this other stuff.  Don’t know what’s wrong with us.  I suppose we shouldn’t be on line like this.  It’s like a tension within us. 

We’re well taken care of by our friend, but this is different.  It’s as if this is the only thing in life that matters, I can think there is supposed to be something different, but at this point we are way out of it.   It’s like every move there is a reaction I am seeing one thing, and our mind is following along maybe looking for vulnerability.  We are looking for ourselves.  It feels very real.  It feels like we’re looking for someone to take control.  Like Dr. M. Did with the overdosing.  It’s been a long time no though.  Two years.  We can do this, right?     

It’s 12:30 PM NOW.  Still having our trouble.   We’re not progressing very well.  We’re kinda blury.  Kind of horrified with all this.  Can’t seem to stop need to figure out where it ends.  It hurts.  Everything hurts.  I think I’ve crossed some kind of wire.  Feel scared of me.  Scared of you.  Scared.  I think I need some help.  I’m way to obsessed.  This isn’t the way its supposed to happen.  But, we’re fighting it ... fighting whether we are to be crazy or sane.