Hard Four days of our Life - Part 1 of 2

Dear Dr. M.,       

I'm sorry for all the confusion.  We told our friend about not taking the medicine.  It took about 45 minutes and tears, but he was finally able to persuade us to do the right thing.  We had only missed Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, but it is something we shouldn't have done.  We were hurting and angry about not being able to take pills or cut.  We were yelling at him something about not wanting any part of reality.  We got a lot of lecturing including obligations about school and work.   

This morning, we woke up nervous and worried, but thinking the more familiar thoughts of asking ourselves where we are in school work.  This is something we haven't felt, since last Saturday when we handed in the last assignment.  We are also feeling more distanced from the sex site as if we have some control back.  I'm not sure how to handle the school situation.  Would it be appropriate to get a note for the two teachers from you, or is this something I should be facing alone?   I'm backed up 5-6 papers.       

There has been no sex the last two times our friend has been here while we were messed up.  Responsibly speaking, I think we had been too far gone for him to be there.  I think he was hit on the first time, but then not after.  He came down us too for not being able to get out of the house to pick up our check.  We will email Sr. this morning, so that we can pick it up at 3:30 pm before our appointment with you this afternoon.        

I feel bad about what's happened and not sure why this all has happened.  We had come from a very good sexual situation with our friend Friday night.  We were behind in school, so finished up with the writing course, then preceded to catch up with Lifespan.  We needed to do the assignment due last Wednesday and the one due that evening.  We only finished the first.  The teacher had given the class an assignment to discuss male and female identity.  So instead of just writing a few paragraphs, we completed a summary of all 17 students papers of the students who had been handed in at that time.  We hadn't expected the teacher to respond to it, because he hadn't responded to any of our peers for that assignment.  We felt it was something we needed to do to really understand it, because the reading that week seemed to have very little to do with male and female identity.  I will include a link to the paper as I see it having some bearing on where we were.  We were manicky at the time and knowledgeable that the next assignment was on intimacy.  But by the time we woke up Sunday morning, we were already too far gone to even look at it.  We have not been able to even consider this as part of what was happening over the last four days ... we'd simply see the work school and think, "NO!"  

PSY7210 - U8, 8.1  

Looking at the paper now, if I were to change anything, I would rework another conclusion, but I'm not wanting to go back to that.  Even now we're skimming the words and can't hold the whole concept of male/female identity in our head.    And, we are not sure what we were seeing in the sexual pictures and movies we were watching.  I think we were watching from more a studious position than from a sensual position.  Not that that wasn't involved too, we had one incident of ... well you know... but, that inclination wasn't there the remaining time.  Never even thought of touching ourselves.  Someone during the process had stated we were looking for pain.  Wanting something to relate the childhood sexual abuse to.  I think this was only one truth.  The last scene we saw that seemed our saturation point was a female/female scene where there was much more intimacy.  Looking at the list now the sites we had selected to visit out of 56 offered were called (but not visited in this order), tranny trouble, man hunter, gay hitchhiker, naughty therapy, sugar mamas, amazing anal, girl for girl, perfect orgy, secret fetishes, she's huge, and taboo insertions.  I'm not proud of this list in the least and feel a little vulnerable in even admitting these interests.  We'd not done this before.  The three sites that held the most interest were gay hitchhiker, naughty therapy, and sugar mamas.  And, then as mentioned previously, we concluded with girl for girl.        

We said something to our friend about while he was trying to get us to turn it off, that none of the sex, except maybe the lesbian couple at the end had shown much intimacy like between him and us.  There was almost a relief when the one that was doing the pounding, touched the head of the other in a rubbing/fondness type fashion.  We found ourselves mentally testing the formula ... First someone would be licking/sucking, most often a male penis, there was very little hand manipulation of the female sexual organs, and much, much more pure insertion of penis in mouth, vagina, or anus.  And, in each of those orifices it was a matter of how long they could go in and out before of tiring.  Lot of noises being made.  We found ourselves frustrated if it would go on too long, or too short.  People seemed real nice to each other through the process even as they were tipping each over in various positions.  In the end, all was a cold abrupt - see you.  We felt frustrated in that while it seemed the woman was having on average 1.3 orgasms, the whole business, except for the lesbians were ending with the male coming.  Then it would seem EVERYone was relieved.   The people seemed driven, worked hard, then collapsed.  Same formulas over and over again.  The camera man was part of the act as well, though we found it distracting when someone would visually leave his or her partner to smile at the camera person.  Except with the gay hitchhiker.  That camera man, partner, was very much talking through out the sex and he posed a more casual relationship as a threesome, which we came to appreciate.  It allowed the "victim" some sense of relief I think.  In that situation, they would go out by car and pick up males having some kind of transportation problem.  Most of those guys had never experienced male on male sex.  The picker-uper guy didn't appear to want to brutalize the guy, but he was very sure that the guy was going to be sexed.  It wasn't until the end after a couple of frail male pick-ups that we understood this was rape.  We felt as if we were on both sides of that situation.  With the overweight women, we might have been looking for some sort of empathy.  We got very tired of regular skinny women, in that they were harder to identify with.  We felt the heavier women more considerate of their partner, perhaps though because the guy almost always started off by saying, my type of woman isn't fat.  With the therapy relationship one the female would come in with some sort of ailment and everything was resolved by the sex therapist, Dr. Strangelove.  We were able to stop interest in this after watching over and over again his same exact manner of treating the females.  They were slapped into submission.  There were only so many positions you could turn someone on a couch.  He was the most forceful with the women than almost all the other scenes, except we watched a series of real trashy people in the orgy bar scene.  Even the "gang" situations there was more kindness than the orgy.  That was toward the end too.        

Ok, ok we're going to discontinue those thoughts too.  I don't want to get obsessed back into it.  Just know that for most of four days, we went obsessively from scene to scene early morning to late evening.  Felt, I was wearing an overcoat.  We showed a preference for movies over snapshots, and we were very investigative of each of the web sites as we are investigative completely of most web sites after we start visiting.  The overweight girls was our home base and that is the site we exhausted.  As mentioned previously there was a lot to look at and we are now in the position of thinking we need to get ourselves out of it.  We could hear you and our friend saying this wasn't the solution, but today is the first time, we felt we knew that too.  We only paid for three days, but since we were still viewing the fourth day means most likely  they automatically charged our credit card for more time.  Maybe I'll try to do that now.  Hold on.  Ok, emailed them about how to quit.  They've got it rooked so there are like six places I could be billed from, which confuses the issue.  So, I wrote to Sugarmamas asking specific instructions.  Most places are pretty good about sending this kind of information, though now instead of being billed $2.00, I am most likely going to be billed $29 (month).  I just have to deal with that.  We're also going to need dealing with most likely the site will be available for the month if they bill us for that.  *Sigh*       

As far as personal feelings.  I'm obviously going through more than just happened to see a few dirty pictures.  I know that in some mysterious way this is all part of where we are with the younger parts and their being more available to you.  Maybe in a perverted kind of way it was our way of experiencing you sexually, but safely because you weren't there.  We've felt a lot of stuff.  Right now though it is giving me a headache, so I'm going to stop, take something and try something else.  I'm not sure what.  Starting to feel a little lost and helpless.  Feel down again.  Maybe just a little at a time.  Let me take something ... maybe it wouldn't hurt to take our regular medicine too.  We're just 45 minutes ahead of schedule.  Think we need to put something on our stomach too.       

Ahh, that's better ... enough milk for this one last bowl of cereal.  Got some hot coffee too.  I feel myself again.  I feel, however, leery about school work.  Still missing V.  Somewhere in the process, I thought of the tri-thing.  Seems I always need the presence of three males for me to feel safe.  When V got sick, I turned to the third position coming from each of the males we were watching through the videos.  I've never figured out the tri-thing, but it still is holding out consistently, into my 46th year.       

I still need to figure out what I'm going to do next, so we don't get lost on the way.  Dr. W. used to say something about us not being able to maintain hold/control of the ship.  We need to doc into someplace safe.  Hmm, feeling a need to go back to our last correspondence through your IM.  Maybe there is someway we can track our next destination through that.  Hold on.              

I don't want to think too much into it as a not so innocent bystander, but it seemed like most of the sex was the same, in that, each had mouth and hands which would somehow manipulate breasts, vaginas, penis', or anus'.  We have no interest in feet.  There were no sites for s/m or children, pretty sure if there had been, we would have looked at them too.          

Hmm, looked over the correspondence over the last couple of days.  I am able to feel some distance from it, not thoroughly though.  What strikes me most is loss of control and not being able to distinguish reality from one another.  That through a persistent desire not to do as anyone was telling us to do.  Hmm, found this too ... I had been working on a journal article for MPD, but it all got too crazy to post ... it seems relevant now.  I am going to conclude here.  And, maybe try to do a real posting to MPD from the standpoint of where we are now.  Not sure if this is going to work though, because we've written most our thoughts to you here.  Might just post this email.  It's become very important to us in figuring out the next step.  Sometimes posting helps me process what needs to come next and honors our processing.  However, I will not post the other correspondences that have happened in the last couple of days trying to get me back to sanity.  I'm far from the normal journal circuit to worry about privacy.  V's not reading while he's been sick, and there is a nice newer lady named Deb, and sometimes an older friend Maria.  I would hope they each know me enough to know that we go through suicidal ideation and upsets often enough to know this is "normal" and that we take care of it with you and our friend and our writing.  And, that we probably am not a sexual pervert, just happened this last four days, we've been nowhere but from this point.  *Sigh.*  It's over now though, right???   Missing journal entry written on Tuesday, though it is now Thursday.  For good or bad ... all this stuff is a part of me too.   

Good morning.  It’s just me.  It is early yet this morning.  I just finished removing some adware from the computer.  Dumb stuff.  Serves me right from going to places I don’t belong.  It has been awhile since I wrote and I’m feeling kind of lost, so I figured if I took a few moments writing in my journal that it might help.  This entry might be kind of warbly and rambling.  Sorry for this in advance.   See V.  Falling apart here ... need you to get better.