Loosing Time... Grr...

 

"Among other things, it seems clear that your visits to those web sites were to devalue yourself, to deny the validity of your right to be nurtured by those closest to you. There are probably few things you could imagine that are more debasing to you" (Deabler, 2005).

 

Dear Dr. M.,

 

    This thing isn't going away.  Having problem getting back to the school paper.  I figure if I could only think through it, while at the same time acknowledging this is most likely the obsession.  Seems if I concentrate and acknowledge the obsession, I could stop it, but the need to understand is even greater.  Maybe these two divergent needs could reach some compromise.  Just think a little?  Hmm, here my diet buddy might remind me how well I do things in proportion.  V might just laugh, not at me but just as to remind me how ridiculous I can sometimes think.  I think he would say there is no compromise, you are either obsessing, or you are not.  Problem was when I turned to school work, I just become obsessed with those thought.  Most likely though school is the compromise.  If I'm going to obsess about anything, might as well get work done. 

 

    You would say, "First priority is to make things safe."  How am I with safety?  I need to think through grounding myself.  Me thinking through looking at youroffice seems better than where I am at, but probably not as good as seeing the room I'm in.  Hmm, means probably I should open the drapes and pick up the living room.  Seems like it's been about a month I've sat on the couches, with the exception of my friend being here.  Too much open space.  

 

    There was a process in falling asleep this morning.  Anna was out and hugged tight to Casey's dog.  We were under our familiar wonderful blanket and went through petting kitty rituals with Casey.  But, it wasn't until we pulled the blanket over our head that we felt truly comforted.  We were having flashbacks of hiding by being tucked in the closet with blanket or clothing pulled over our head.  This is an image of a three year old.  The flashbacks then go younger and include the Lassie dog at my Grandparents house.  We've seen the Lassie dog often enough to think it a part of the set of events.  I'm pretty sure that it was used to keep us from rolling away. Very young ... infant.   Had other images ... mostly pulling head to left, as similarly, I must have people I am walking with to the left.  We feel closest to our dog when he's blocking my left ear and he lines our left cheek.  Probably, because we're right handed and that is the hand used most often to block.  Seeing pictures now of an infant/child head toward head board, pulled away from Grandfather standing to the side of bed.  I feel more panicked with things coming toward my right eye.  It is my weaker eye.  We're feeling strong thoughts this last couple of days that having the semen land us, especially in our hair ... hmm just remembering my Grandmother washing and cutting hair in the kitchen.  We would get a cup of mini marshmellows if we sat patiently.  She had a huge nice white sink, a fancy black sprayer, and the high chair. 

 

    Sometimes when my Grandfather comes home he stops to sit on the high chair.  It was by the wall and table going into the other rooms.  If you passed the chair to the left, you would walk down a hall with a bathroom to the left and straight ahead to my Grandmother's room.  The second floor and third of the house were rented out, so her bedroom was the old formal dining room.  There were wooden/glass doors of a built in cabinet on the left side and on the right side, there were drapes over the sliding door from the hall, and combination living room/make shift dining room.  The dining room table was big enough to hold 12.  The girl cousins had to sit next to the big table at a little card table.  We never ate at the big table.  If you went to back to the high stool in the kitchen, if you would have gone straight by that way to the living room, you would have taken a step up.  There was two closets to the right and stairs going up to the second floor.  The stairs were double and there was a flower garden on the landing where the stairs turned.  There was a big comfortable chair in this risen area in front to the left of my Grandfather's room.  Behind it was a coved wall where the store catalogues were kept.  It was a favorite occupation to look at pictures in the wish book.  My Grandfather's room was the old library.  It was shut opened with double wooden pocket doors.  His long dresser was to the right and there were glassed book shelves to the left.  The bed was a four poster.

 

    Anyway ... not grounding ourselves very well.  Too many pictures.  If my Grandfather was sitting at that chair, there was a good chance he would grab out at you and sit you in his lap.  He'd give whisker burns to little screaming girls.  His breath always smelled of alcohol.  He liked to cover it with black licorice.  He owned his own window washing business, so he came home for lunch.  Then after work, he would take a nap, then you would have to take a nap too.  We've had nightmares of him sitting in that chair, I have no doubt he would be hard, but I'm pretty sure he never exposed himself in my Grandmother's kitchen ... Her bed was dangerous and his bed was dangerous.  'Cept there was a cabinet door right when you walked into my Grandmas' room where there would always be pads of papers, a big shoe box of pencils, and some plastic forms to trace alphabets and pictures.  There were metal cans under the cabinet to the right in the kitchen where she kept cookies.  It was accessible to little kids.  Like a puppy, I ran to it each time entering her house.  It was a reward.   

 

    They moved from that house to a smaller one off Minnetonka creek, when I was about eight.  We used to love the sledding hill.  The old house was a two blocks from the lake.  There were six lakes called, "the Chain of Lakes."  Ok, ok back to safe memories ... I liked the lakes.  We got to walk down there if we were staying the day without parents.  I remember walking with my Grandfather and Great Grandfather to feed the ducks, but that was at a further lake, the closer little lake we could walk around in one morning or afternoon.  The little lake my Grandmother walked us to.  Can't remember the lakes names, I know there was a Lake Harriet.  Don't remember the others.   Hmm...   Chain of Lakes - Sports & Recreation - Minneapolis, MN, 55409 - Citysearch  AHA, Our little lake was Lake of the Isles, that's right.  They were were Ceder Lake, than Lake of the Isles, then Calhoon and Harriet, and Nakomis and Hiawatha.   They lived on the west side of the 2600 block of South Humbolt - second house.  Map of Chain of Lakes - Sports & Recreation - Minneapolis, MN, 55409 - Citysearch.  My Aunt Alice lived two blocks south on Humbolt in an apartment.  She was the one my Grandfather was going to marry.  He was engaged to her when he got my Grandma pregnant.  :(

 

    Shoot, shoot ... I really got to get past this.  Stop, stop... Got up ... went to the kitchen.  Cut a piece of watermelon.  Took my evening medicine a little early.  Quarter after 4 pm now.  Started to reread ... I think I was supposed to try grounding self by opening curtains and cleaning up living room.  Hmm...  Ok, ok ... brought computer boxes to back of house.  Two trips.  Building people left a typed note on my door bringing it too my attention, we'd left them in the front hallway for five months.  Just don't go out front door enough to remember.  Took some laundry out of living room ... Sometimes, I get dressed within a foot or two of the computer.  And, I turned on light and opened drapes.  Feel fretful.  Pillows on couch all messed up due to Super friend and me.  Hmm...  Need to fold blanket.  What's on the table?  Not very much, maybe I could light the candle tonight.  Wow, don't remember the last time I looked at living room.  Maybe I should sit down in living room for a bit.  Just watch a little football.  Don't know which teams are playing.  Have to leave the computer though.  Ok, maybe if we could visualize where we are going to sit.  Maybe in the corner where the couches meet.  Maybe, I could take dog and the blanket?  Thought of the knife.  We don't need that, right?  Ok, we're going to move.  We can do this.

 

Mi