Getting Stronger

Maybe a shorter journal entry. I'm aware of school pressing in on us, but am not able to get there quite yet. Trying very hard. We wrote to Dr. M. last night right before our friend got here. He responded to the email this morning, before I got him the long letter. We were still saying no then, but with both Dr. M. and our friend, we were able to indicate our next danger, no pills, but now we’re feeling more control can say yes to medicine. Hmm, not able to say no to things bad for us ... grandfather and not taking medicine ... same thing, danger. Thoughts here on schoolwork, how women hand over there power to men, sexually. In doing so, we have to think, we are going to be taken care of. Dr. M. hasn't responded, so I think he knows we're past the danger point. We’ve got the power to take care of self. Hopefully, at least. We all have to be waiting for that sperm. Symbolically, I suppose, just as every male needs to spread their cum on the partners chest or face. Like a dog claiming the fire hydrant.  Ok, ok slow down... That thought belongs on the other side of sanity.

Need to trust here. Dr. M. Is not going to hurt us. This is just our craziness talking. We are back to the cautionary look-out for set-back. Our thinking again is distrusting. Feel a small amount of anger. There’s some emotional detachment from our important people. Trying to get out of dependent. Still feel that kind of urgency, for a need to wrap this up and get onto something more safe. Worrying over Kelsey. Think it is through her that we step into this kind of crisis. I don’t know how to distinguish between feelings of obsession with manicky. Feels like Corey holds the scale balancing key, figure it out, or I will give into drastic measure. Thinking though it was most likely Lissa that held the knife to our throat. Our break with reality had been in trying to combine the double image intellectually of the sense of intimacy with Dr. M. and the younger parts. We didn’t hold up.

Ok, that was then and this is now. How do we and what are we supposed to be processing. Looking at it now, we could have perceived that our friend was going to have a tough time with us. I'm so sorry when people get dragged into my life. Thinking has been long since, that the that tri-thing with males is for safety though. If safety depended on a female relationship, we might be dead.We have light friendships with women, but never, never in-depth ... Dr. M. had stopped feeling safe, and I was not feeling safe, so V could not have been here even if he wasn’t sick, that’s the deal.  He gets the bye.  Our friend is obviously still in our line of acting-out. It took him 45 minutes to calm us enough to take the medicine, but we were still angry.  I feel I have to take one more step in figuring out.

We’re in touch with the thought of Dr. M having gone through a couple of sessions, particularly the last where he was close to our younger parts. We still have no idea as to what his relationship with them was. We can hear the soft talking, but can’t distinguish words, or where we were at. I know we or he never leaves the opposite side of the room. I think we have an imprinted image of my Grandfather on him.  He takes on the persona of our grandfather and since we couldn't act out having sex with him, we went on a binge with the sex sites, it seems as simple to me now as it is psychologically complex at the time. What is this "need" to be connected sexually. Hmm, thinking of our "attachment" to grandfather instead of mother. Then it seemed we were acting out ... trying to say no to the sex by saying no to friend and dr. M. Maybe this is a connection to wanting to be dead thoughts. Maybe we held some threat to ourselves even back then. I’m not sure. Our mother wouldn’t have cared, but what about Grandfather? Still believe the three males to have been Grandfather, father, and big brother. I believe my mother would have killed us if it weren’t for the males presence. Especially, her father.

Maybe the thoughts we are fighting is that there wasn’t anyway to say no ... sexual abuse kept happening and that somehow becomes the obsessive part, we can’t say no to our own self-destruction, cuz we’ve internalized the abusers. When I got out this morning, I could say no. Close down the sexual abuse we were putting ourselves through, but the younger parts can’t do this. How do we better protect them. How do we make Dr. M. safe again. Hmm, maybe we did in respect, we put down the knife with him and renewed at least a short-term moratorium on death. Still have to get through the session tonight. Seems the scary part has been for us all along that the youngest parts have time out with him. Theoretically, we KNOW he is not going to sexually abuse them, but we don’t think that is what the younger parts are going to think.

Still processing thoughts ... it’s about an hour later though. Just connected to the crises in New Orleans. My friend had said something about it last night. He knew I had lost time. This news feels devastating as far as I can think about it. My first thought was I have an extra bedroom. Maybe for a small family? Then I think stop. Stop. Maybe I will not have to be involved in a catastrophe, maybe I couldn’t feed them, can’t feed myself proper. I’m better suited for financial contribution, then I think I’m pretty sure my checking account is in the red again, because I haven’t gotten my pay check. Ok, Ok ... first step, concentrate on being able to get check at 3:30 pm. Dr. M’s by 4:30. Go to bank afterward. So, by 2:30 should be back in the shower. I can do this ... It’s about 11:30 am now.

Three hours to process feeling safe again. I could do something. Probably have to be in reality away from the computer as Dr. M. suggested. Just for a little bit. I could clean up my workspace and kitchen counter. Shouldn’t be too bad, because our friend got us to do the same yesterday. We need to get a garbage bag too. Ok, ok ... deep breath. Ok ... that’s done. Feeling pretty stressed out though. Shallow breathing, panicky. Hmm, music is mucked up ... Tried to close it down and start program again. Think it’s on their end. It’s skipping song to song as if someone just gave the list a spin. Seems though as if we have made it through 451 Barbra songs. Cool. Maybe after Dr. M’s we’ll play something different.

Ok music is back. Had to skip a couple songs. Obsessive. Shoot. Well, maybe a little is ok. Darn music down. Ok, we can deal with it. We also opened the drapes. Been in the dark all morning. We usually test out reality by looking around the room. If we can see objects, we are closer to it than before. Hmm, I wonder if I could form an adult attachment to my computer as my symbiotic mother? Maybe, maybe? No, it’s definitely a male computer. We’ll maybe not definitively, because sometimes I tell her how sweet she is. Hmm, making a hard case for reality here. Wow, look at this! Hehe, his email address is set just right too! Let me think here. Seems I’m being presented a reality test. Ok, ok ... we’re game.

I'm a reporter for the Minneapolis Star Tribune writing about Capella University. I found your name in a Google search, and wondered what your experience with the school has been like. I'd also be curious to know whether you've completed a degree, and whether a Capella degree has helped you get the kind of job you seek.

I can be reached at this e-mail address or by calling 612-673-4553.

Thanks,

Steve Alexander
Minneapolis Star Tribune

So, we responded:

Thank you for your interest in me. I spent my childhood just outside Minneapolis in the city of Blaine. My experience with Capella University has been very satisfying to the point of being life changing already. I am only in my second semester and I hope to gain both Masters and Doctoral degrees for Psychology, specializing in education. I have a long way to go. My current job is as a QMRP (Qualified Mental Retardation Professional) at an adult day training center on the South Side of Chicago. I needed the BA degree, I obtained from St. Mary’s University of MN, to obtain this position. I hope in the future to work as a professional writing programs promoting independence and self-efficacy for people with developmental disabilities, particularly through providers, parents, and the community. Capella University has opened doors to my mind in thinking this much is possible.

I will try to explain this position as clearly and as briefly as I can. The first course Capella offers all students is their foundations course. I had made the decision to go back to school a month prior. I was scared to take that first course, because I didn’t know if I were getting in over my head. However, I learned through the first course that not only was I in the league, but through effort I would be smart enough to make it to the top of the educational platform - the doctoral challenge. The smart part is equal to the effort part. As in, you could do anything your mind could imagine.

Capella gave me this kind of confidence from the act of completing one simple step (assignment) at a time and by allowing not only teachers, but our peers to read the material and thereby give the work validity I needed to encourage me forward. Normally, there are two assignments a week one due midnight Wednesday and another due midnight Saturday. I am taking two courses sotime is stretched short. I feel as if I’m learning at an amazing speed. Since everything we’ve done so far relates to reading and writing, I can onlyimagine I am going to be very good at it. Since I want to write about learning, this is absolutely the way to go. This semester’s courses have been learning to write better research papers and lifespan psychology. I feel more accomplished and as if I’d lived my entire life over again as I read, wrote and compared the material, especially as lifespan related to my own life, and that of people I work with. It seems that whatever experience I am having in life away from school affects school in an integrated manner and vice-versa. I don’t need to wait 5 years to see if "I’d made it," I feel it every time I go to my computer to read the next assignment. I think, "I’m making it today!" I find in myself already the learner practitioner Capella has invited me to be.

Hmm, good enough a to be a seminal event. Is that right? Better look it up. Seminal - 1: of, relating to, or consisting of seed or semen Yikes! AHA 2: containing or contributing the seeds of development. Ahh, that’s better.  This is the me who knows we can get back on the trail after psychological shut-downs.  The paper made us feel too powerful, I think.  We were within our means and ability, but not ready for that big a jump, nor leap of faith.

Another Break...

Hmm, seems like we are away now from our thinking hard parts. Our friend surprised with a half sandwich and a 30 minute lunch. We were doing ok, until the last few moments when he "forced" us onto the scale. We were still scolding him as he left for insisting on his point of view after we said, "No." I admit we are floating in and out of reality, but I know enough that you don’t eat a sandwich in the middle of the day, THEN step onto a scale. How real is that!?? In reality, people shouldn’t try to control others unless one is holding a knife or refusing necessary medicine, or some similar such stuff. Dr. M. wrote and told us if we didn’t take the medicine, it would be a sure way to end up in the hospital. YIKES! None of us wants that! Though a couple of these last few days, I was willing to bet my life with it. Please don’t any of you decide to become psychotic. It’s no good.

Hmm, thinking we’re pretty close to the end of our today thoughts. It’s about 2 pm now. Think we need to jump in the shower in a half hour. Maybe we have a few more minutes. Let’s see shower 2:30, leave 3:00, at work 3:30, leave 3:50, at Dr. M.’s 4:30 pm. Yes, that works for me. Lordy, I’ve become a psychiatric patient waiting for nothing else, but the next session. Seems we’ve been here before. I am going to refrain as much as possible toward my hospital thoughts, cuz it seems that there is always one of us that will go to anydegree conceivable. Let’s not let it be the hospital. Shoot, that’s another familiar psychiatric thought. While you are in there, you are pretty much thinking this is the worst place to be other than jail, because they lock the doors and won’t let you out! Whoops thinking that away again.

If V. Were here, he’d ask about the weather. Ok, we’ll look up weather. 84 partly cloudy. Just read another story of New Orleans. Just doesn’t make sense to me. I remember after 9-11 being stunned. I’m trying to avoid that. I think it must be the same for most people. Also, remember losing time over it. We got ourselves out by taking the advise that was being passed around at that time. The best thing to do was to continue living the best one could. But, prayers are extended outward.