Ok, ok ... so we’re a little mopey. It’s been said. We’ve had a hard time concentrating on homework. We worked hard on Wednesday’s homework on Saturday, and have barely started Saturday’s homework let alone a full workload this week. And, it is Tuesday. The good part is that we’ll be staying home the rest of the week and maybe into next week. We need to be working, but it’s been a little relieve.
Basically, what happened is that our office flooded twice in one week. 3" of water that was so high, in one hour it filled our office, the next one, and the training room next door. Word is that it spread actually to the next two course rooms. Pretty much a big mess. Lost a few things (mostly paper), but fortunately, our computer made it because it was raised on a little platform that was part of the desk. It has taken a toll on our wood furniture though. Sr. Tess had building people out. She’d given up hope on the architect and the builder, because neither were doing anything and just blaming each other. Think that three sets of other people came in and they brought the necessary equipment to be checking out the underneath stuff. The results weren’t good in that they figured out that two pipes weren’t connected so when it rained the water ... well, as we mentioned, it was a mess. My furniture is now spread between the other two rooms and out in the hall and there is a very big hole that takes up most of my office. I feel homeless. I stopped by and looked in at a distance. There were a couple of guys standing there and a guy that was standing in the hole digging at hip level. Appeared to look like grave digging ... *Gulp*
I was temporarily relocated to Sr.’s office. Although my computer hasn’t been set up and won’t be until the office is reconstructed, Sr and I came to terms, in that, she figured that I could be doing some of my work from home. She said it was an impossible situation. So, in all we’re having a little respite. I was worried about my stuff being out in the hall, and sure enough one of the clients was busted yesterday after a peer turned him in. He’d taken keys out of the desk. Sr. Turned the desk backwards against the wall. Thank you sister. Didn’t feel so sorry for the client. He was supposed to have been treated out to McDonald’s for doing a good jobwith his thieving. When someone is stealing from you, you start to feel a little angry. It gets personal. Eh, gotta let it go ... like I said, desk is turned around now. Heaven forbid one of the clients takes a client file though which isn’t turned around. I had taken out desk items I might need, but we still need access to client files. Hmm, just thought. Maybe it would be a good idea to lock them up too ... believe there is a key to that cabinet. Should have thought about that yesterday while we were in. Shoot. Maybe, we can fix it when we go in to pick-up our pay check. Whenever that is... Shoot, forgot keys are inside turned desk :( *Sigh*
Next? Hmm, can pick and choose between items to be discussed. There are a few. I do want to mention that we were out to see our youngest son on Sunday. That is always a very nice thing. He’s been back to school for a week now. I have to remember next time to bring his pillows he accidently left here. Went right over my head, poor kid. We went out to a Chinese all you can eat place. We did pretty good on diet. Just had one plate and a dessert plate that was half watermelon. Good me. Unfortunately, there were a few other things like the barbecue at work on Friday that have re-adjusted my weight loss to be over the mark again. Back to work on that score.
Anyway, the important part was I had time with Jacob. There were some things more personally stated, but for the most part, we (him and I) talked about things psychologically-related and a lot of listening/watching him convey things he’s going through on the games. It is still his comfort zone. I am very proud of him for all that he has learned and been able to do with the games. It impresses me that he is able to learn so much because I figure what he can do with the one thing using his ability to concentrate, he can transpose into other areas eventually down the line. He has a lot of heart ... this is something that all the boys have. Pretty amazing all told. But, maybe here we are starting to sound like a regular proud Mama? After a nice long dinner, we both went to the park and sat out in the sun a while. Enough, at least, to come home with a bit of a sunburn on my scalp and face. We were going over with him the next phase of his school loan stuff and again more of the game. Good Jacob!
One of the more personal things that was said, is that he conveyed a sense of frustration with me in the thought that he has to take care of me. That part has stayed with me. He really isn’t taking care of me in that I work, pay the bills, manage a household (with help of friend), go to school etc. and he isn’t asked to do things for me ... like it is an unwritten rule that I don’t ask the boys for help hanging a curtain rod or anything. However, on the other hand, as he used for an example his grandmother would have called and asked which of the top restaurants he would have liked to go to, where I had in the interim nearly canceled our appointment because I didn’t think I had the extra $20-30. This and due to some of the parts presentation, I think what he is objecting to is that sometimes we portray ourselves to be fairly helpless. I think all the boys are fighting my emotional dependency on them. I can understand this somewhat, but in doing so, I have feelings of more abandonment, which might be part of what’s causing the problem in the first place.
This is going to take more thinking to get through. It was kind of funny though, Jacob acknowledged on the drive over to the park, that we were going to have an interesting relationship if we were both to become psychologists and in figuring each other out. *Giggle* Good Jacob!
When we got back though, we were in an entirely different place. We had been with our friend on Friday night and it had been an extremely good night. He had come in late, which was planned, and had woken us up. There have been other constraints over the past 3-4 weeks, which had loosened up. Skipping over a lot of mushy stuff, we were left with the thought, “Oh man, oh Man.” Ok, little goofy smiling.
The sexual thread was picked up again the couple of days afterward. ‘Cept it took the path of us looking around the Internet for stuff, which is obviously easy to find. Yah, we’re talking about that kind of stuff. Which, of course, didn’t help when adding that our psychological problems get exasperated with these kind of thoughts because they affect other parts, not as able to process due to the abuses.
We were a mess by the time we got to Dr. M’s yesterday morning. We’d gotten a little obsessive and we were literally, climbing his walls. Well, sorta literally. We were kind of bouncing around. Younger parts were out and active. I wish I could explain their presence more, but we’re still not as connected as we might be. Like I know Dr. M. Was using his soft voice, but I don’t know what he said exactly. There are a few markers though, such as, well... I’m not going to say here because they were pretty private. Shoot, now we’ve got ourselves into a bind. How are we going to process these thoughts. Shoot. Feeling suddenly very tired. We need to lay down for a little bit. Getting closed down. It’s about quarter after 4 am now. I think we’re going to have to process this next part.
OK OK ... back again ... It’s now 6:51 am. Just got done Iming with our friend. Just a few simple words. He usually makes sure we’re on track. Says I have to go in to work to pick-up my check. Grrr... Yuck, ptooey, ptooey! The other thing about this friend of mine is that we share a lot of our resistances with him. He, shall we say, know our usual tricks. Damn!
By the way ... we figured that it was going to be a Barbra Streisand day. We went through about 50 albums and picked out about 500 songs, mixed them up and started with song #1. She’s been playing since last night and beyond. We get into our little fixes and figure to really get into an artist, we really hear them out. Hehehe, ok we’re obsessive. Eh. Happens. Dr. M. changed our medicine to help with this problem. But for now we’re living it through it. Reminds me that we should be taking our medicine. It’s already quarter after 7 am. Hmm. Don’t want to ... this is probably another resistance. If V were here he would say, “There is no excuse.” He’s tough like that. Hmm, seems there is a simple solution here. Hmm... Ok, going...
Ok, ok ... that’s done, but now we’re a little crabbier! Maybe too because we figured out we’re just one pack away from not having smokes. Means we really are going to have to go out today. Our friend predicted that we were going to want to bury ourselves in our home and not see the light of day. He was right! Just want to stay home. Let’s wait until the medicine kicks in. Maybe we’ll feel better later. Sure do like the excitement in her voice... Think she’s always going to be on my top 5 list for female vocalists. Barbra’s on the leader board, if not the top. That’s my opinion of course. Wonderful voice.
Ok, now we’re skimmin off the top of our thoughts. Need to get a little more substantial here. Are we ready to go back to Dr. M. Stuff? Umm, nope ... too hard. Hmm, maybe something on that ... We’re not over being dismayed about being so physical in the meeting. Parts we’re whimpering and so forth. Too much movement. Wish we knew what he had been saying. We have never really moved too far from our tight corner on the couch, though sometimes the walls are pushed against. I think our arms and hands become expressive too. Wish we could explain it, but we can’t get a clear enough picture. Hmm, that’s something ... someone was talking about pictures. And touches. I don’t know who was being touched, but could imagine. :( Ok, we’re not going to the point we’re thinking we’re pretty crazy. This is normal stuff I’m sure.
Hmm, just thinking of looking at Dr. M. Again. Sometimes this one game gets played out. He somehow goes through this thing of looking away, and sometimes we catch it and try to look at him. But, you know he’s not going to stay that way long, so you gotta look away fast. I don’t know why or when this happens, but it does. Are we starting to sound a little weird here? It’s a very scary/exciting thing. We try to memorize his face, but it’s hard. Cuz, usually the looks are so fast. He likes to wear a smiley face. He is very handsome. I know that he is younger ... maybe young to middle 30's, but sometimes due to different parts out, we get the impression of him being much older. Somewhere in our mind, he has long become the most perfect person on Earth.
Yet, we are so cautious of him. Thinking here of the time talking to him on the phone after we’d taken an overdose. Even then he didn’t have a mean voice, though it was rushed. He said he was going to call the paramedics. We got scared. Two or three minutes later when he called back, we’d switched parts. We weren’t the one challenging him, we were the one whowas scared to death of his power and our helplessness. We could feel him being upset. BUT, he was still nice. So, how come he feels so threatening to us.
Hmm, just thinking of the conversations this last couple weeks with the school stuff. We’d been talking about Freud and his thoughts on penis’. They are all powerful. Yep, You know we are going to go on here to thoughts that our Dr. Has one. Think this has been what’s been blowing us away this last couple of days. Ok, you’re either calling us a pervert by now, or you are just following along. Feeling pretty intense ... Washroom break.
Did you miss me? Feeling a little out of control. More intrusive pictures of grandfather. He was like almighty like Dr. M. Suppose this is as usual meaning we are transposing one over the other. Shoot ... where is our mind taking us now. I think we said something about my grandfather going fast with his hands. We were saying something about his touching us as he was masturbating. Ok, ok ... calm down we’re saying big words here. And it’s gotten personal cuz at the same time we’re thinking about our therapist. I’m sure he is appreciating our public display of his sexuality.
Of course, you know that he is never saying any of this. Just our mind is going to that place and we seem pretty infatuated. Sick, sick, sick ... Stop, stop! Think it gets confused because if the images seem so powerful. I don’t know why we’re trying to scare ourselves here. I should feel some modicum of shame, but we don’t ... we feel like we’re standing on top the mountain, screaming, see don’t you see all these men ... they are wearing penis’! No different then the middle ages where they all carried swords. It’s got to be dangerous. We watched a small movie with males being with males. It’s no different they are all using their swords on each other if not on us.
Oh oh here little break here. ok. Ok, ok ... we can be normal. Hmm, that didn’t work so good. Anyway ... We’ve got bad stuff in us. Bad seeds. Turned us into a weed garden. Hmm, time seems to be slipping by it’s now 11 am. Lost time. Way too much. Having trouble concentrating. Being way to inundated with this other stuff. Don’t know what’s wrong with us. I suppose we shouldn’t be on line like this. It’s like a tension within us.
We’re well taken care of by our friend, but this is different. It’s as if this is the only thing in life that matters, I can think there is supposed to be something different, but at this point we are way out of it. It’s like every move there is a reaction I am seeing one thing, and our mind is following along maybe looking for vulnerability. We are looking for ourselves. It feels very real. It feels like we’re looking for someone to take control. Like Dr. M. Did with the overdosing. It’s been a long time no though. Two years. We can do this, right?
It’s 12:30 PM NOW. Still having our trouble. We’re not progressing very well. We’re kinda blury. Kind of horrified with all this. Can’t seem to stop need to figure out where it ends. It hurts. Everything hurts. I think I’ve crossed some kind of wire. Feel scared of me. Scared of you. Scared. I think I need some help. I’m way to obsessed. This isn’t the way its supposed to happen. But, we’re fighting it ... fighting whether we are to be crazy or sane.
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