Ahh ... just let it all out ... long

Good Morning. Pshwoo. Taking a break from academics to do some free-flow writing. It’s early Sunday morning, so we are at that point where Saturday homework has been handed in and we haven’t officially received our work for the next week. However, we know that we’ve got some reading up ahead along with the papers to be writing. Shoot, was that just another passive sentence! Hah! Leaving it misconstrued.

I don’t think I would be up this early if it weren’t for the assistance of Monsieur Kitty. We were a little crabby with him. There is waking a person up and then there is waking a person up! He was aggressively, chewing on my hair close to the scalp so not only sounding like a loud mowing machine in my ear, he was pulling my hair! This just isn’t my favorite way to wake up. Then, he got kicked out of the first bathroom trip for doing the same. They know I’m pretty serious if I close the door between us. Only happens two or three times a year, if that.

And, since I was still frustrated after coming out ... kitties got only dry food this morning. I know, I know ... someone might give me flack for putting out his buddies, but someone has to take a stand around her, otherwise she might think her home to be dominated by the "Animals!" Hmpf!

Hmm, maybe a cup of coffee would help?

Ahh, another smoothie too! They really pulled me through the night last night. I’d stayed up till 10. Finished the strawberries and blueberries, now we’re on to the peach drinks :) Tasty! Feel a better disposition already.

So, what have we next?

I guess we could do a quick summary of work, but I’m not going to labor there long. It wasn’t a great week at all. Somewhere near the middle we had our annual review from the boss. She was very critical and blamed me for her DSPs being put out by my evaluation of their work. Well, at least one of them. The other four did not know how I evaluated them, no one asked including the boss. Though The boss stated she had people wanting to quit because of me.

I can only assume one of them is the lady who wanted to quit when she was going through staff training. She had to be aware of the fact, when I came into her room, she had not completed a lesson plan for the week, or even that day or hour, and she spent 10 minutes rummaging around her closet and came up with a lesson where her group compared the size of clothes pins. She had an overabundant stack of unprocessed papers, and she hadn’t finished her chrononotes from the week before. I have to question at this time, was it just someone knowing how far behind she was or the fact, she is not yet competent in her work.

The good Sister’s other primary complaint is that I want to have new ideas and do new things. She was at high pitch when she screamed "Nothing New!" After about 20-30 minutes of her diatribe, I was obviously in tears, but by this time she had been standing up. She was putting away a notebook where the hours our kept.

She kept getting angrier and angrier, the last fit because I’d used vacation days when I was sick. Right or Wrong, this is something that could have been passed on as a corrected process, rather than I’d been out to sabotage the center. I had thought only as far as I needed to use half a dozen vacation days before June 30 and I didn’t feel I could afford 6 sick days and add 6 more vacation days, plus you can’t save up vacation where you can save up sick. When she had turned around and saw tears, then she taunted, "We’re not going to have a pity party are we?"

One more thing ... she was insistent that I didn’t smile enough according to my peers. Apparently, they’ve been seeing me in concentration when I pass by them in the hall. She used that word, "concentration" specifically. That is no longer to be. I am not to concentrate and walk if it means I’m not smiling. Yah, just like her?

Pshwoo. I’m getting bent out of shape again ... need to stop ... well, one more thing ... she waited until the administration meeting with my peer, the other Q and my immediate standing supervisor. Then she told them everything she had told me during my private evaluation. She stood back and listened to the other Q criticize me for the same things she had just been critical of including the all the staff wanting to now quit. It was too much.

I did the best I could with it. I’d spent almost a whole session with it and Dr. M. He was trying to help me understand that Sr. Tess is a bully, and bullies find power in attacking the people that they control. Basically, his thought is that she is feeling bad, but does not know how to process those feelings, so she picks a victim and plays that out through her. My understanding is that the only way to withstand the emotional abuse, is to not be a victim.

So, we focused on that after the meeting and found we were not as much involved emotionally as we could have been. I need to keep in mind that I am being attacked by a bully and it doesn’t mean that my work or I am a bad. This is pretty tough for an abuse survivor and multiple. We tend to adapt to the harshness of the other’s reality. But, just as now ... we’re fighting it. And, I can let it go!

After the meeting we took about 20 minutes to regroup, but we were ready to do our 15 minutes in the lunchroom, and we were ready to do the thinking group an hour later. It was a fairly good group. One of my main participants was not involving herself due to a chatting need, but beside that there was mostly good attention paid to what was going on. I had printed out a sheet with pictures of things that I knew most of them could do. Such as phone, computer, assignments and whatever. I asked them to circle the things they could do. Then I asked them to think of what they would like to do next. There was a space on the paper to write their answer out. To do that, I had them come up one at a time to retrieve their sentence transcribed. There isn’t anyone in the room that can spell out their thoughts without assistance, but they are good copiers which gives them a sense of ownership.

Then we took one volunteer at a time and had him or her tell their goals to the big group. I focused on the terms, "We’re going to break it down." I made checklists on the board of the things we found they could do and the list making pointed to the next task they would have to do. The hour went past quickly and they seemed to enjoy themselves. A couple were given the opportunity to roleplay becoming a basketball player, a janitor, or calling a friend. It was a good session.

I thought the staff session was good too, but I’m guessing the staff will again go to Sr. to complain. In fact, that is what happened I know for a fact, because at the Administration meeting, Sr. Moaned and Groaned and terrorized in that my work wasn’t coordinated with the other QMRP and the some of the staff might have thought the goal data sheet change was for both Q’s. Eh ... I think I’m going to be in the doghouse for a while to come, until she needs something from me. I haven’t heard yet if I were to be again responsible for the Center’s annual report. Hmm, what would be the worst thing? I didn’t have to do it? Hehehe, no loss there!

I had, however, been pretty proud of the work I had done toward the goal data sheets and the Qnotes. That was the form I’d entered in the last entry. Just to reassure everyone, I had called and sent it as a fax to the guy at the state level who is responsible for some of our evaluations. He was the one, who had given me a few clues. He was very satisfied with it. Said it was just like the one’s he had learned to do at his last job and that they had been pretty strict. So, I had at least, that good feeling to fall back on.

Hmm, about time for my buddy to sign on ... Hey You! Time to get up ... and I won’t even chew/pull hair in saying so!

Ahh, while we have some time, there is some other things on our mind. Well, lots of stuff actually. School’s been pretty impressionable the last week. The two assignments both focused on critical thinking skills and bloom’s taxonomy which is a learning tool. The different areas of the taxonomy are knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis, and evaluation. We first worked with combining thinking skills with the taxonomy and then we applied that learning to analyzing an journal article of our choosing.

I’d been familiar with the taxonomy before, but I’d only applied it to writing goal objectives at the center. But it is too complex for DSPs worrying about the length of clothes pins. Some day, I WILL find purpose for real learning! All I really want to say here is that it is really a good set of thoughts to be processing. It thrills me to death to be thinking of thinking in an in-depth manner. I would like to apply it to more and more of my life.

Hmm, I’m so contrary to the boss. Just thinking know another criticism stated three times during the evaluation is that I am always analyzing. It seems to drive her mad. I told Jacob of the interview ... hehehe he’s next up! But, at least I got the affirmation I’m ok, she’s disorientated.

anyway ... if I could just hold the concept in my head, let me see how I might apply it ... Ok, since it is obviously in our mind again ... let’s apply the concepts to the new situation with sr. Tess ... new meaning Post-Dr. M. Session. If I start off with the knowledge that she is a bully and trying to work her problems through me, I might comprehend that as she is vicariously "trusting" me to be able to handle it.

She can’t stay cruel to the DSPs ... they’ve already indicated (also through me) that they want to quit. The hypothesis is that she really needs me, because she is stuck with her thoughts, feelings, and old theories that don’t seem to be working for her. But, in application, I don’t have to roll over and be kicked repeatedly. So if I am not going to be passive, and I certainly don’t need to be counter-aggressive, that leaves assertive. I think one of the things that I found joyful last week was to smile no matter what. Ok, maybe just a little passive aggressive. We’ll work on that!

How would I be assertive. I think often I use a counter image of myself standing in front of her as if I were listening to a hurt angry child. But, I really need to stay cognizant of the respect I have to continue giving her for being the boss. Usually it means, I don’t respond back with emotions or verbal argument. Somehow to be assertive might mean being more honest and forthright with her without attempting to just smack her! Pretty sure I don’t want that ... seriously! She loves to bait an argument, Maybe I just need to keep on the safe side ... what I have done in the past, even recently, is to write out my return thoughts on a little 3 x 5 card and place it on her desk. Then I don’t get into the back and forth, but I am able to give my two cents. Usually it makes her pretty upset to be contradicted, but if I put it simply as to our points of disagreement and my commitment to follow through in her objectives. Then I can feel good about myself.

Hmm, did I cover analysis too? Let’s move on to synthesis. The objective of me working at the Center is more like the reasons I am going to school. I want to help with program development, because I respect the arena of learning. I have high hopes that it can be accomplished even and especially for people with disabilities. It has been approached this week that maybe the emphasis of my work at the center is not going to be about learning. Maybe it will be more of a housekeeping task to keep up with the most simple tenets of staff training, clients concerns and CARF. Maybe these are valid and life producing tasks upon them selves. It is honest work. But, more than anything else, it allows me to pay the bills while I’m going to school. Yayyyyy!

Evaluation? I think it is a pretty good plan. Sr.’s moods are always a wild card and it is definately more work to uphold agency objectives while we’re nursing the boss along, but it seems to take pressure of the balance of the staff. I could say just the DSPs, but I watched my two peers, including my friend in the administration meeting. He was very aware that it wasn’t himself being attacked. He said nothing. From the other I would have expected ignorance and spite. As a whole, Ithink the plan will be yet tested as I convey my next set of thoughts to friends, family and Dr. M. I believe my life is eternally more gratifying than if I were to be Sr. Tess, hmm, let’s make that a blessing!

Ok, the Bloom "system" seems to work. Maybe that will be the subject of the next formal reflective thoughts. YAYYYY, and then that first 70 pages read of Precision training needs to be accounted for ... YAYYY! We got the plan!

Next, That other thing ... Jacob called wanting to know if I still was interested in taking him out to eat. "You BET!!!" So, we met up toward his place for a one o’clock lunch. It was SUPER fantastic! He is staying with his dad for the summer. Jacob and his high school/college friend got jobs painting for my ex throughout the summer. He is a professional house painter specializing in Victorian houses. What that really means is cheap $10 laborers to do tough work like scraping, priming and painting on tall ladders in the hot sun of summer. Yeek, Could say they are worth their keep.

My son outlined his days. He wakes up before 6 am eats for 10 minutes, gets in the van, sleeps for about an hour, then works til about 3. Comes home showers, plays video games for a couple of hours, then goes out for two or three more hours to work on his karate before sleeping again. I was really happy to hear he’d gone back to it. He is now working on one of the brown belt levels. Brown belt apparently comes directly before black belt. I guess his next test/trial is on June 25th, AND afterward, he said, he might, just might come over to the house for a sleepover!!!! Very excited about that! Course it is going to mean giving up some of my computer time for the night ... shoot, maybe I could be inspired to actually cook. We’re pretty sure our dishwasher should be here by then. Let’s just think about it a tiny bit!

Hmm, just checked that out. The link said it was due for delivery two days ago. That doesn’t sound good. Most likely they aren’t going to be there on a Sunday. But, I didn’t see a number to call. Shoot, a Friday delivery would have been perfect. Sure can bet I would have volunteered to miss the admin meeting!

White Glove Delivery: Ideal for home owners, the carrier will conveniently schedule an appointment with you for delivery and bring the item into the room of your choice.

Sure hope this doesn’t mean that one of my peers took a phone message incorrectly. Damn. Ok, ok ... we put in an email request to the company. Let’s see what happens next.

Ahh, friend is finally awake ... the story of jacob to be continued in a bit!

Hmm, ok next! Very satisfied with how the morning is going so far, though wondering if a nap might not be in the works ... kitties, hmpf!

Anyway, back to the jacob story. He passed on a grapevine message that his big brother might have done the pregnancy trick again ... well, of course, Lee was right there too! Going to hold down our grandmotherly gloating until we hear the message formally, but, I understand there may have been a successful test taken, YahOOOO!!

I didn’t hear too much in regard to Tanner. I think he bought the SUV he’d been leasing, then gave it to Jacob. Whatta KID! Jacob says as hard as he works during the week, come weekend it’s playtime throughout! Mostly video games with Tanner and cousins and dungeons and dragons. I was, and usually am incredibly amazed when Jacob goes into the detail of the game as he did yesterday. He and his group play both bad and good guys. Guess you have to pay twice, but if they get irked with a fellow good guy, Jacob can tell him I’m pretty upset with you and you are going to be vanished ... then he calls over his bad guy and crunches the guy like peanut butter. Ahh ... the good ol days when life was simple!

There are so many characters and the characters not only have weapons, jewels, and spells, they also have pets that help them. Mostly, he says their powers are defensive ... chuckle ... a zork pet is still man’s best friend!

We also talked about school for a good long while. I didn’t go into much detail about our school except to tell him that we were doing well and loved it. It turns out that Jacob had straight B’s. we were both pretty proud of that. His favorite course was due to a nice prof who taught social psych. YAYYYY Jacob. He talked about her putting people in groups and he moaned with a giggly manner of his group. There were days he said that he was the only one to show up. But, he and his peers joked and laughed about it. Then there were surprise people who never come to class who showed up toward the end not knowing what was going on. When asked, Jacob said he usually takes the role of leader and presenter and leaves the writing to others. I’ve got to give him credit for that. I never remember wanting to be the presenter! Hehehe. Good Jacob!

We still have to get together with Jacob to do the financial aidpaperwork. He’s saved that last amount from my father’s will to pay for room and board over the next semester, but he’ll need more than he can make over the summer. The previous money paid for most of his school year, but Jacob said he was down to his last $50 by the time school ended. He said, he was better off than most and any student who had enough left to pay for a pizza was a godsend to the rest!

*Sigh* Good visit ... and, he had suggested a local restaurant that wasn’t too expensive or crowded, so we took advantage and sat and talked straight through about 2 ½ hours. I noticed that he wasn’t eating much. He ate the hamburger, but skipped soup and fries. Hmm. We did better than usual. We ordered a fancy salad and a diet pop. But, we figured we did so well, we over-compensated with a strawberry cheesecake. Ok, this theory needs more work! There was a wonderful thunderstorm that had turned the sky dark while we were there. Then it passed before we left. It made the venture of sitting at a table conversing with Jacob very warm and cozy. These times are when life is at its best!

I don’t want to talk more of work this morning as far as what is coming up. I just want to be productive. I’d like to get a little more ahead this week in school than we have been the last couple of weeks. Today, I have as one of my goals to read the assigned chapter of the week and to read ahead as to the final project. I noted that in this weeks media center readings was an outline of the final project. I might read the rest of the assignments to the end of the semester to figure out if there is anyway I can plan ahead for that uncomfortable couple weeks. Though, I find myself looking more and more forward to that research writing course.

Should probably write another entry then for the reflective Journaling. That will put me in good shape. On Friday, we received the inter-library loan of a couple books that we’d been interested in by Marc Gold the guy that had put together the idea that given time people who had mental retardation could learn - the Bicycle theories. It’s going to be tough finding time to skim that material, but it might help as a resource for the final project. AND, I still have to finish the last 70 or so pages of the Precision teaching book. Lot’s to do, lots to do.

One of the back of the mind complications of today is that I have to get clothes to cleaners and do something about the house, especially if I’m to expect a dishwasher delivery. At this point, I am very happy to let go thoughts of washing dishes before it comes. Need to run it through some paces. BUT, I have to clear a path for the guys. Not real bad, but the place could really use a good 2-3 hours. I’m not ready to force this set of ideas though. It’s still before 9 am. There is time.

Ok, ok ... maybe to be fair I should come up with some kind of plan. Jacob had figured this out too. First thing that has to happen is that garbage bags need to be put in place. Then table surfaces cleared, dishes re-stacked ... maybe by then we could look at the bedroom situation? There really aren’t that many dirty clothes, because I don’t have many, but those I do have need to be washed.

Mostly what is taking up my bedroom space, is piles of clean things still in their plastic laundry bags that I have not used or put away. That needs to be done AND I would really like to see the bed made. I had spent such careful attention in getting great bed fixings. I think it would be encouraging if those were put back in place.

Wow! If I could do all that, I’d be very impressed with myself! Ok, ok ... It’s 9 am now ... Could make it a 10 am goal to start the first task ... Garbage. K ... Better set the timer. That will give me some time to do some reading first (calm me down). Yeeks, I got the hick-ups! Since when has that happened!?? Oh yeah work ... Hmm, I set a second timer for three hours from now. That is when I will insist we go to the laundry to drop off clothes.

We were real good yesterday, in that within 24 hours of our oil light turning on, we filled her up a couple of quarts, plus we got one more for the trunk. Hehehe, we also happened to notice that on the candy shelf (where we stood waiting to be cashed out) there was a new item of hot Dots! Yeeks, no I don’t like that kind of stuff, but I figured Jacob might. Ok, there goes the theory of not spoiling kids with candy. Lucky thing I got it though, jacob said he’d run down his candy supply! *silly grin* Eh, the boy doesn’t have an ounce of fat.

Oh, there is a one other notation. We went out with our friend for burritos and margaritas on Friday. That was pretty cool. I could tell he really needed some of our "Handling," because he spent the last 45 minutes of the work day talking about a system he was building up for his other job. He continued to talk throughout dinner, and on into the night. It took quite a lot of good listening until he finally wound down. Pshwoo. A person goes along having a busy life, then he/she is introduced to the life of another. Man ... sure is a lot that must go on in making the world turn! It was a very good time. It’s times like this I feel needed! :)

I feel comparatively, I lead a nice simple life. I don’t know how people do it when they add a lot of people variables. Seems the more people the more trouble! :) or glory! God Bless ‘em! For the most part I feel like I have a very blessed life. I sure am enjoying the hell out of most times! Like now. But, I have to face moving on with the day. Lots more to accomplish. We wish you all well!

Whoops timer!