Whimpering...

Mornin ... well, still morning ... It’s now about 7 am. I’m going into work about an hour late, because I’m being swamped with so much emotion right now ... we’re at a point where, we finished the last writing assignments, so am caught-up with homework. Our minds are having a much tougher time getting caught with what is going on in our head. Basically, Dr. M. Has become well entrenched in the images that are flashing past me, and ours. I need some time to settle things down.

First, I want to say for the record and our own sanity, that we know it somewhat normal to be in therapy and get feelings for one’s therapist. Secondly, I want to note for the record that we hold no thought of our therapist suddenly bedding us down. Though, I can’t say that all our parts can distinguish themselves from everything we are feeling toward that direction. There is a lot of fantasy happening in our head. I think we’re ok, if we can keep the perspective that it isn’t something we’re going to act out. We as a system trust Dr. M. Much too much to think he would ever dismay our trust. He isn’t coming from bad internally bad places where wrong behaviors were the norm. I’m not as sure of ourselves as being as reliable. But, we trust him.

I feel somewhat scared. Not of him, but in that we seem to be preparing ourselves to feel strong feelings. I don’t know how we are going to be with all that. I don’t know why this is all happening now, and I don’t know if we’ve come close to something that feels this big in the past. We’ve long since protected ourselves by the stiffling of younger parts and their feelings. We’ve addressed them one at a time, but have somehow limited them. I don’t think we’re going to suddenly open the lion’s cage to see what would happen. However, the door to a couple of back cages have been open. It has to have happened to be feeling things this strongly. Again fear seems top most. In just saying this I can feel ourselves ducking down our head. It seems like when one dog lowers his head to another out of dominance/fear. Though if I hold on to our minds properly, we might intellectualize ourselves in that we are not an animal. It’s just that we feel like it. Things are getting more confused now. Having periods go by where we’re just feeling. Trying to let go of the panicked chatter happening in our head. Trying to reach quiet. It’s hard. We’re having intrusive thoughts. I need something safe. See Dr. M. Holding a small person’shand walking away from us down a long hall. Seems like the place we went for doctors appointments when we were a kid. Lot of side pictures too fast. Keep trying to avoid ... Dr. M. Is indicating we sit on the cold papered exam table. We don’t seem to want him to go. Crying. Shrieking. Holding his arm standing on the table. Ouch mother image ... sobbing hysterically, crawl up into Dr. M.’s arms/chest. Feeling of burying self in his shoulders. He takes me out of the room. We go to look at the low fruit trees. Slowing down. Tired. It will be a while before we can let him put us down. He talks gently about the ducks and geese by the pond.  Hot steamy tears. Need to stop ... watch time. It’ll be ok, It’ll be ok. Things seem safer ... Just a bit ... feel cautious, leery. He is here.  I can feel his chest more than the cold table. Slow ... less pictures. Now, just looking at my words. Sensing I have fingers that are moving. Maybe its time to rest a minute ... we’ll need a shower in a few. Oh Lordy, what is happening to my mind?