Tired, but achy for warmth and tenderness

Good morning,

It’s been about a week since I’ve written and I thought I would steal these few moments in since it is not really regular time for me to be up, yet here I am! It’s only 11:30 HEHEHE. HMM, WHAT WILL Dr. V. Think about that?! Thief, Thief!!

I don’t know quite where to start, so I’ll try first thoughts. Well, to be honest ... first thought is frustration mixed with a little silliness. We got back the results of a paper from the writing course where the teacher does not like us so much. She gave us a 76%. I am thinking this is like a low "C," but am not sure. Depends whether An "A" breaks of as 93% (86%, 79%) or 90% (80%, 70%). Yep, yep ... Honestly, this is still obviously bothering me. In the other two courses I have gotten, or am getting still "Excellent" marks, so it’s kinda sucky. :(

ok, let’s have a life here!

Other than that life is going on about as normally as it gets for me. We had a good staff meeting yesterday, though there is a worrisome part that I will need to talk to Sr. Tess about this morning. We’ve been incorporating our course work with issues that are happening around the center. The DSP’s are paying very good attention. However, one staff is having a very difficult time, particularly in handling her group when she is alone. She is an older woman and has the secondary position of group IV, though has to take the primary position when the other DSP of that group is missing. I knew, but couldn’t let the others know, that this staff had gotten so upset the day before that she told Sr. Tess that she was quitting. She came back yesterday, so that was an optimistic sign, but she really needs help and without giving specifics was showing her need in the staff training group.

She was at that point of thinking that nothing would help, because it was obviously the problem of the devious client. She kept repeating, "I’ve tried that, I’ve tried that ... nothing is working." The problems were more severe than could be handled simply in the group format given the time allowed. I told her I would check with Sr. Tess to see if I could come in the group with her to work through some stuff, or whether, the other QMRP could since the troublesome client is hers. The last thing that should happen is we abandon the DSP’s to problems, that we will not step in to help them resolve.

I’ve seen this kind of thing happen before with Sr. Tess. She get’s an idea (she’s been talking to me) that the staff is not competent and rather deal with the reality of the client’s problems - that are now affecting or triggering the others in the room, she is blaming the staff. To be honest, I think the staff has issues, but they are compounded by the inadequacies of us higher ups. I’ve stayed away from it because again the problem client is the other QMRP’s. Sr. And the other Q, and other DSP add their own tensions. They are with the troublesome client less, but are trying to place guilt on the DSP by saying only, well we can handle the client, so obviously, it is you that is a problem and we’re not really going to help you. The DsP in question is a meek, mild person ... an old fashioned church-goer type. The client is aggressive and strong, even though, or maybe especially very low functioning, non-verbal. She hasn’t enough to do in the small room so she is bullying the other members of the group ... AND with this particular DSP. The Power balance is backward and frustrated. Sr. Tess is to the point of saying ... well, if this DSP walks out, I’m not going after her. But, she is worried, because the other DSP in the room has been and will be taking time off for a troublesome first trimester of pregnancy. She is spotting and being told by her dr. to stay home, but isn’t, because she feels she needs to be at work, and she needs the money. So ... always the question of what to do next. Only thing I can do is to volunteer some time to be assisting the DSP. I won’t know how to help her best until I’m allowed in the room with her. I’ll have to wait and see if Sr. Tess is going to allow me to become involved. We’ll see.

In other news of my interest ... we are still progressing with Dr. M. Last week or so, he told us that we have reached a new level. I’m not sure why, but I think that it may be, because we are able to give our situation another perspective due to what we are learning in the lifespan course of our own development. Last night we had another session our core part, Annemarie was out, as was two of our really young parts, Anna and Gracie. Of course, Casey was in and out and a very beleaguered Corey. Hehe I can say this knowing that it was me! It’s hard for me to put together annemarie’s part, but it seems that she is being affected more directly from contact with younger parts, especially Anna. I am not sure who is feeding more from the other the negative levels we’re all processing.

Anna was out the most, though it is annemarie’s behavior in trying to skirt past Dr. M at the door. It’s happened forever that our system cannot walk past him well on the way into the room. We become very fearful of him and hug the other side of the wall. Anna was feeling the fear and for about 20 minutes was out in a very regressed state. She backed up in the couch, spoke in a slow whispery voice and remained there with her hands covering her face as to ward off a blow. I don’t know the words Dr. M. Was using to connect with her, but I know he was very nice and comforting. I could hear this in his tone of his singsong voice. Due to the stiffness of her body, we could tell that gracey was with her, so may have been more fearful than normal for her.

She seemed to distinguish between her parents and Dr. M., in that he told us afterward that she only felt the feelings as if she knew they were there, so in some way she was connected to it being Dr. M. In the room. That and the fact that she was talking to him were both good signs. Another thing that we’d picked up was the part that Dr. M. Had told her that he "cares about us." This came as a revolutionary swoop to our system. We are having boundary issues due to the level of intimacy we feel toward him which may be bound more from the incest then anything else.   We're also being affected by our reading of gender issues in this week's school work.  In general we have been doing a lot of ruminating between sessions which also might be a consequence of the abuses.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the experience with Dr. M and gracie and Anna taking a walk with him at the beach. It was a very peaceful imaginative space entered. We felt very much the part of holding his hands as a younger self where we had to reach up to do so. Since then, we’ve been in places where our minds are processing what it would be like to crawl up beside him, especially laying down. We feel ourselves surrounded by the feelings of comfort he gives to us. Then somehow those feelings get blended into images where it is he that is curled up and cuddling, but it is with his spouse and it is him feeling the sense of comfort that we want to feel, and am now getting from our images of being with him. All this and knowing that we’re terrified of him crossing the room to be on ourside, due the quickness of our regressions. It is a very dynamic exciting threatening set of feelings all at once. Then too we’re reading cognitively the material on "Attachment" toknow that what we are experiencing isnot necessarily a bad thing.

I don’t know ... not sure of our conclusions here, but it’s now 12:30 am and we’re starting to again feel our tiredness. Think we are going to quickly post then feel the comfort of at least our bed. Night...