Taking a breath

Good morning,

I am here because, #1) someone missed me ... YAYYYYYYYY Maria!! And, #2) because I was missing writing for fun, and #3) I missed my goofy Beetle script! Hehehe. Ok, well maybe more of the one than the other. AHA ... what’s become my favorite song is on. "Swallowed In The Sea," by Coldplay. YAYYYYYYYY V!

Ok, ok ... truth be told I have nothing of great significance to say. I Go to work, I go to school, I go to bed! This is the bane of my existence. Every once in a while something out of the ordinary will happen, like I catch V and we have the same five minutes left of our time to talk, or my friend will drop by and shatter all thoughts of deadlines. *Big sigh*

Hmm, something something here. What IS going on in my mind? Hmm, Dr. M. Appointment tonight ... that is something! I was too busy this week to make the previous appointment. Hmm, not my best thinking, but we had two staffings in three days and the state was coming by to look at four more of my client’s records. This means that homework gets put aside to catch-up the records. YEEKS! I think by Monday or Wednesday next week there will be more deadlines and we’ll make the valiant effort to once more struggle through. In the meantime ... a school deadline was missed last night and there is another one looming by tomorrow. I also had to cancel a licensing meeting I was supposed to be at. However I find the state knocking directly on my doorstep, more important than the state being a couple blocks away. If you get my drift.

I’ve had a problem period last week of getting kind of depressed about everything. Too many deadlines. Feeling inadequate. It is not that I feel any less adequate now, but I’m more on track for let’s get them squeaky wheels oiled.

This morning we took the time necessary to first visit a friend’s journal who is going through Chemo ... You all know Pam. I have been missing that experience this last week. No excuses. She’s going through about the worst things in life right now ... between worries of cancer, treatment, and losing her daughter who has gone over to live with Ex. I admire her bravery, however, I am sure she would think, "But, I’m shaking in my boots and crying in my beer." Then she might add, if I could hold myself up and tolerate something in my stomach. All this and without smokes. Damn. She’s got my vote for anything she might run for. Love her to pieces. I am so grateful that she continues to write.

Nothing else in my life is as significant as all that.

Did I mention I have a Dr. M. Day? You know it is pretty bad when you wake up thinking of your therapy appointment first thing at 2:30 am. We’re not holding real good track of where we are at with all that. Couldn’t tell you. Just vague. If there were anything I would want to talk about it would be what I am learning from the Lifespan course. I’m finding it to be pretty critically significant of my thinking abilities.

Had a hard go of it last night though. My friend came over and he forced himself to read it. Then, he went over and laid out on the couch. He said it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know. I think we said something pretty disgruntily, he restated ... all it says is that you do better in life if you’ve been loved.

It’s not that his conclusion wasn’t fair. But, I had gotten so much out of it than the response he had shared. I felt it, breathed it, lived it ... as I was reading and as I had led a life of being "unloved" and having the ability to let it all come about me at once ... the good and the bad and a sense of understanding in a humanistic all encompassing manner.

I became unglued and started to criticize. Then he was saying something that if I didn’t feel like rubbing his feet it would be ok. I might have starred into space a few moments before I said, are you going to at least take your socks off. He then asked, aren’t you going to do that? I might have sighed when I thought, "Yes dear."

After that, I didn’t do so much thinking. Maybe no amount of thought is worth more than the simple rubbing of someone else’s feet. Shoot, even Jesus did it. Maybe it was a Biblical statement ... walking in someone else’s moccasins. Things balance out.