Unfair

  Good morning ... figure we should start fresh here since our thoughts this morning are pretty morbid.  Sorry, sorry.  No not your fault.  Just ours.  We've been going down the line of self destructive thinking since we were 12 years old.  Most likely in one form or another even before that.  This morning we were looking at means of protection.  The authors of the article we were reading talked about prevention as associating thoughts that were highly valued by the individual, such as family, spirituality, or work. 

I think I talk more of work, some of family, and little of spirituality, not much ... The numbers are like 76% of people can be "talked out" of doing something wrong for the sake of their families, 35% for the sake of their spirituality, and 10% for the sake of their job/money.  We're amongst the 24% that don't abide by counter cognitions.  Not when we're at the worst of it.  Usually, what happens to us is that we start to feel guilty for getting in other peoples' way.  We figure that we are in some form bothering people by being around.  I know this is a left over from childhood when statements were said or acted out conveying, "We'd be better off if you weren't here."  This as well, took place in marriage when it got real bad.

It's not that we are going there ... but it is something we feel a strong need to talk about.  It chronically preoccupies our thinking.  I think it is something most people don't feel comfortable talking about.  But, for some mental illnesses like the dissociations of multiplicity/PSTD and depression, it is commonplace, as is through incidents of severe abuse. 

I think we've become an expert in our own right ... We've had to many hospitalizations to count.  People don't go in to the hospital because they want to die as much as they go in to be somewhere they can be safe.  I believe in this strongly.  Also that if you can't provide for your own safety, then it is time to ask for help.  We're not sure why these thoughts are coming up thistime.  There are general clues.  I know the holidays are harder than other times, the seasonal weather itself can be cold and alarming.  I also know we are going through things in therapy that are more difficult.  It's in our nature to survive.  We've been doing it for a long time.  It's important to us that we feel safe and are connected to people we trust as being safe.  Sometime when you are with people who are careless, the thinking goes is that things don't make a difference.  I'm recognizing our thoughts, or at least some of our thoughts from some of our parts as being depressed.  Why this path occurs, I couldn't tell you. 

I'm safe in that it's been drilled in me ...that if I weren't safe, I would know what I would have to do.  I'd put myself somewhere safe.  I've don't count on people, even Dr. M., to "save us."  Usually, although he's the safest most trustworthy person we know, we also know that he is available to us exclusively for only two hours a week.  There are means of getting in touch with him, but if it weren't his regular working ours, we'd have to trust one of his subordinates that are always on call through the emergency room. 

Shoot, shoot ... I wish these weren't my thoughts first thing this morning ... But they are.  Maybe in some way, we are drilling ourselves of the rules.  There are rules.  Just right at this moment ... it's not seeming real fair.  Here I sit wondering why it is so hard to think positively.  I just don't know.  I do know that I (as part of our system), could stop to talk to about anything.  I could ignore these thoughts and carry on, however, as soon as we pause to relax.  We're confronting this other place.  Just sometimes it seems unfair.  Sometimes things hurt.

I'm ok ... it's going to be ok ... some days things are very conscious.  Just another Jane figuring her way along.