Shoot feeling tired anyway :(

Good Morning! Just me. It’s about 2 am in the morning right now and although I know I have to be moving soon to school work again ... behind a couple of assignments ... I am feeling a strong need to be able to free think for just a little bit. It has been a while and I feel I am out of touch with myself. It’s ok, for just a little bit that I write?

We had another appointment with Dr. M. Last night. There were at least 3-4 older parts in and a younger part who felt the need to pop-in to remind us that we were sitting in Dr. M.’s chair.  Scary stuff. 

                                     

The whole appointment seemed to be in going over just a few things. Someone in the system had sent Dr. M. Some questions regarding serotonin, dopamine, and nortriptyline.

We’ve been reading about these neurotransmitters in the course work for the cognitive course and we’ve been trying to figure them out, because bottom line, we know they affect us. We are on medicines for depression, anxiety, and anti-psychotics. We’ve known this for quite a while, but we’ve never spent the time so close to home in figuring them out. There were a couple of things that came up that I wasn’t so sure of either. It was like news to me.

The first thing is that Dr. M. Says that beside these other things is that I am obsessive-compulsive (OCD). I knew I had these tendencies, but I didn’t know that I was officially with this disorder. We have to think through that. As the conversation progressed, the terms psychotic and neurotic came up ... and as it turns out, I am these things too. Kind of a lot to be processing.

My general understanding of neurosis at this point is that I have trouble dealing with reality and that it is a general condition that kind of holds all of my other emotional problems. Psychosis has something more to deal with not being able tolerate my social world that might be due to disorders of perception, thinking, or affect (emotions). Shoot, we know we’ve been somewhere close to all this, but I don’t think we’ve ever asked Dr. M. About the exact stuff, or at least been able to hold this much in mind.

I’m not sure how much of it I really held in mind from yesterday’s talk until this morning. Kind a shock on the system. I have to put it in the perspective that I am no different today than yesterday and that I am still dealing with things for the most part productively. I can’t help though but to say that it all worries me. Sort of in the way of thinking, "I am going to be ok, right?" Pretty good thing that I decided not to go into clinical or counseling. I’ve known for quite a while that although, I can be smart enough to figure a lot out, I shouldn’t be directly responsible for taking on critical therapies with others.  Especially, in consideration of dealing with "real" time.  I don’t mean to put myself down, but I know I have a certain amount of instability that would be adversarial to the good concerns of others. BUT, it doesn’t mean I can’t do work with writing educational material. Nothing in all those diagnosis that says that I can’t learn about learning and use that to assist others. We’re just admitting to I have some challenges in processing life on its terms. Kept asking dr. M. questions like, "Do I have that too?"

Shoot, sure did make me appreciate having a good psychiatrist though. I thought last night, "God Bless him!" I will never be able to say enough about Dr. M. Being so attentive to my concerns. His office is like an L shape with the door and some cabinets immediately when entering in the office, then straight ahead is a seating arrangement with a couch, coffee table and two comfortable chairs sitting across from that which sits in the crook of the "L". Then at the top of the "L" is his desk set up and more shelves. On the wall to the inside of the "L," he has a large white board, which comes in kind of handy sometimes like last night. Maybe too because he is the director of the psych interns at the University, so we’re figuring that he draws pictures for them too.

It isn’t our normal practice to ask for visuals, but last night, we felt like a  student. He drew pictures of neurons interacting with each other and he had a half slice picture of the human brain. He drew out how recepters worked and the chemicals and the reuptake part.  He also drew in the brain where the depression and anxieties came into affect, especially in the frontal lobe. And, he helped me understand the affects of each of my medicines. I’m still at the point of trying to remember them all. I take ten medicines everyday, some twice a day. Let’s see how many I can remember. There is risperadal, buspirone, Celexa, hmm, two more for psychological ... have to look again. Ok, wellbutrin and provigil. Then, the other five are for physical. Two for diabetes, one for hypothyroid,one for arthritis pain, and one for cholesterol. We’re going to try hard for the moment to think, we’re not real messed up. I mean that is the purpose of all those medicines to keep me healthy, right?

The provigil sort of works as a medicine to help me be alert, like a super caffeine pill to maybe counteract the affect of all the other medicines. There is one for anti-psychotic, and the others for depression and anxiety. Pshwoo. Ok, enough of that! Hehehe, we’re just challenged. I do think it is kind of funny, because with all that, none of the medicines are directly for multiple-personality problems. There isn’t any medicine for that. Go figure.

So, now we are up to the point of thinking, "So, What? What does all this mean to me?" I guess one of the side affects of having mental illness, is that I no longer have to worry about "getting it!" Hehe I’m THERE! There are some conception problems of wondering about normalcy, but we’ll stick to the impression that we are a normal Neurotic. I can see poor V thinking, shoot, there is no way we’re going to be able to live with her after all this! Sorry, V ... for your sake, we’ll try not to step off any deep ledges! BUT, we’re way over the other side of the fence now. Looking to see how green the grass is over here. Feeling though a little special in our own right. Like shoot, all considering, we’re doing pretty good.

And, might we add, we have a damn good looking psychiatrist! :) We couldn’t help to be amazed with him last night. Not especially, because of how smart he is ... we are figuring this has to be expected, I mean the guy IS a MD first! But, the thing is that we had to cross to his side of the room to see the board correctly (though I refuse to talk about eye sight problems!) It was psychologically a pretty big deal, although he had moved from his normal chair to be standing at the board. Couldn’t be more proud of how professional he really is.

The first image we have of him is that he has a real nice body shape, and stands nice and tall. He’s average tall for a guy and on the thin side. Very good looking, which is partly due to the natural intelligence he wears on his face. He always has a friendly appearance and is on-track. He’s our super-hero. I remember thinking for a bit, we’re not going to be blown away again by how cool we think he is. We figure he is in his mid-30's now. Feeling now the trust and excitement we process in just thinking of him. Ok, we’re still in love with our doc :) It’s been such a nice romance. The kind women have in falling in love with regular idols. We figure he is perfect, but you get all the satisfaction of knowing, he is never going to come over and leave the toilet seat up. Pswhoo, lot of satisfaction there.

Ok, ok ... we’re going of into space here again. Did I mention, we have a rich fantasy life!?? There is something very pleasant about living life on a cloud. The kind of cloud with silver linings. Ok, just a few more minutes in "everything is wonderful space!" In general, we feel well taken care of. We’re all these psychological things, but he still likes us and talks to us normally, and we have a few friends between here and work that are still coping with us :) Like you! Thank you!

Maybe we should move along our thoughts here. Yesterday, our new assistant was there again. We only get her on Thursdays, and this was only her second week. We can’t keep but being thrilled to pieces with her. She is the daughter of one of our best friends at work. She’s a senior psychology student. Wooo HOOO!!! I do enjoy the training aspects of my job, and especially more so with someone with this level of intelligence. We’ll for the sake of argument call her "MvP" hehehe. It’s pretty applicable. The first week we had her getting used to some of the reports some of the staff write on a regular basis. This time, we decided to concentrate on observations. Wooo HOOO. She flew with flying colors!!!! I thought her notetaking might be a problem, because she was saying she was weak on reading and writing. But, I don’t find that to be a problem, because we figure she is excellent! She wrote a few reports that I figured were in our own caliber. And, she is just two-days into the training! Natural talent!

We took her into three of the groups and had her sit with a particular client in each group. The first one we took notes with her to make sure she knew what we wanted, then she did the next two solo. After the notes were taken, we had her type them up. Couldn’t be more pleased. Between each of the readings, we discussed what she had saw and what it meant to her. And, on one of the clients, we charted for her how I might begin an analysis on the client. We listed for her the behaviors she had noticed, then we listed about a dozen questions that would help her understand the case. We left that for her to finish while we were gone. I leave on Thursdays 40 minutes ahead of her. In between we also went over the DSP training book explaining to her carefully that anything the DSPs could do, we do. Not only do we sub in, but we’re in the position over them, where we need to explain to the DSPs how to do their job better. I gave her a lot of information, especially on the developmental programming aspects of our work. She was comprehending, but we got teased by her mother afterward for giving her daughter a headache, cuz there had been so much. Hehehe.

We also had a staff training meeting yesterday. That went pretty good ... We’re on our third week of safety issues. Pretty much going straight down the line with the safety manual I put together. There were some serious things, but also some light laughter, which always makes the meeting fun. We were going over some of the policies and procedures for things like death in the facility, losing people and suicidal ideation. I have some pretty strong feelings with these issues.

In the process, I found out that the other Q is into the business of my clients again ... this is a BIG no-no. Found out that one of my girls was locking herself into the bathroom for a week. Instead of being told, the other Q yelled at her and then told her to use a bathroom outside the hall so that it wouldn’t interfere with others using the bathroom. Made me madder than a hornet. Not only was she interfering, but excusing the pun, it was pretty "crappy" advise! HMPF!

The same Q had tried to release one of her clients from the behavior meetings last week as if he had gotten better or something, but during the meeting, we heard that he was having suicidal ideation for a week or two and the other Q, although it was her client was telling the staff to ignore it. Thought NO-f****** way! Then, I gave very specific orders to the DSP contrary to the other Q’s orders, which is something usually not a good idea to do. But, I figure there is higher grounds here. We told her to take it directly to the boss. There is a chance that the boss may not want to deal with it either, But I’ll be damned if the upper two pin responsibility on the DSPs for their the upper-ups idiocy. The client obviously needs help. I say this runs big time neglect! Ok, stepping back now ... but, shoot! This just ain’t happening on my shift. I told the stafffor back-up I would talk to my friend. He’s officially the safety director. He’s careful with sister too, and I’m pretty sure no one is talking to him about this, but I feel trust in him that he will step in. He is not going to say, "forget about it" just because they doesn’t know how to handle it.Ok, ok ... calming down again. We wrote him about that incident and four others of DSP concern regarding safety that came up during the meeting. I can hear sister now. It’s none of your business, bUT someone should be "DEALING." If the family won’t take him into counseling, then we should at least be taking a pro-active stance at assisting. You just can’t ignore!

Ok, I’m done raving, but I see this is going to be an issue, I WILL take a stance on! Social workers, HMPF!!!

OK ... OK ... anything else?

Hmm, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say something about school. It kind of ties into what we were talking about previously with the neurotransmitters. We have to be getting back to the studies soon, because that is not going away, but we’re kind of in La-la land with it at this exact moment. There is so much to be processing. Last couple of weeks we’ve been going through attention, consciousness, and perception. This week, we are going through memory structures.

Last week was tough, and this week isn’t much easier. This week’s confusions seem to be around the text and discussion questions being on sorting through so many changes having been made over the last 100 years on memory models. I am kind of frustrated with it, because I just want to be dealing with "Which" one is the most correct. I don’t need to hear about all the processes. Too much to sort through. I’ve only got two weeks to be working with memory. It be different if I was taking a history course, but I just want a model that works. Dr. M. Says though that there are a lot of different concepts out there. Shoot, someone has to get it together. I’m much more apt to take the processes that are working through work done with physiology. If someone is showing real time advancements that’ll be my mark! *sigh*

ok, ok ... we’re just complaining a little now ... still a bit tiffed with that situation from work. PLUS, I am off the right medicines so we’re more apt to have trouble concentrating :( Seems we have a hard time getting a handle on that part of life. I should be getting either today or early next week the three month supply I ordered, but fact of the matter is that it isn’t hear yet, and we’re not dealing with that so good. I’m having trouble conceiving in my mind putting in a side order for 3 or 4 pills knowing that those few pills are going to cost as much as a90 day supply. :( We need a better system of getting order in so we’re not left short. Hmm...

Anyway ... yesterday, we had a moment that made us smile. In honor of the sox’s victory, we brought in for the clients and staff glazed donuts from Krispy Kreme. They weren’t expensive and made people so happy. I met Sr. On her way to church. She was going to have me save giving them out for lunch, but we gave her a very sad look and said something about them being warm now. Ahh, got her blessing and she even said over the loud speaker later something positive about the sox winning!!!! That made me happy. I know that during the championship series, I was looking for environmental cues that recognized within the city that something pretty darn special was happening. Like at the University, they had a big banner in the main hallway to the hospital saying, "Go White SOX!!!" That kind of stuff makes me smile. I figured with the donuts the more happy memories that go with victory for the clients ... a means to tie good feelings together, would be better. So, the whole event made me pretty happy. And, believe me ... there is no one that doesn’t appreciate a warm, sweet donut surprise! Hehehe YAYYYY Good feelings!

I think there are a whole lot of happy chicago people in regard to winning the world’s series. Today there is going to be a parade at 11 where the sox will drive through the south side of chicago, then they will end up down at the Chicago Board of trade where they will begin a ticker-tape thingy and wind up at a rally down by the Chicago river. Whole city is invited!!!! You already know I don’t really do crowds or standing, but I am excited anyway. I am proud for the city. 88 years is a long time to play the game without winning the big bananas!

I’m pretty sure Son #1 is going to be involved, since he works down at the board and LOVES the White sox! I found out that this week son #2 left the board, for at least a while. Son #1 said, that son #2 was under too much pressure and needed a change. He says that tanner has enough money to last him 6-12 months, but I’m not very clear what he is going to do with his time, beside trading. I suppose that will spell itself out after a while. He’s used to a bare minimum of a $50,000 income. That’s kind of hard to do with out. I just don’t see him becoming a store clerk after all that AND, he doesn’t hold a degree, though I would love to see him working on that again. We’ll see. Time willtell.

Ok, I guess by this time we’re just squandering time. Just finished eating a bowl of chicken something rice/noodles. Please don’t get drowsy, Pleasssse! But, I don’t want to say goodbye :(

Not every morning we get up wanting to write a paper. We’re avoiding. Aren’t we?

Hard to be a student if your not studenting. Maybe we could read? Hmm, need to write a paper. Maybe we could talk a little about something school-like and it would get us back into the mood? We’ve been working this last week or so trying to figure out what our final paper is going to be about. We’ve changed it a few times. Now we are thinking of writing something on the brain, memory, and emotions. That’s where the whole conversation started on neurotransmitters. I tried to figure out with Dr. M. Exactly where we wanted to go with it. I know that the hippocampus and the amygdala are important with the emotions. For a while, we were going to look more closely at fear. But, we decided to broaden it a little bit. I would need to be writing the paper at this point toward defining structures and systems. I don’t know enough to be asking specific research questions. I think it all based somewhat on wanting to know how the strong emotions we have had through the abuses has affected the way we remember things. Kind of a side drift to knowing how we store things, especially in a multiple system. Whatever model, we come to most accept, it has to take the multiplicity into consideration. I know I don’t want to get into the debates over the loftus’ people conception of false memories. Want to stay a jungle away from that mess.

Ok, I suppose we are not going to be able to figure it out until we start processing memory thoughts through the assignment. Guess, we better head down that road for a while. If you don’t see me come up, come after me!