So goes another day ...

Good Morning, This is just me. It’s about 2:40 am now ... We figure, we are going to allow ourselves the next 50 minutes to free write, then we’ll have to go back to papers. There is a lot of clutter in our minds. But, at this point, it is pretty vague.

I haven’t written since Friday. I’m not sure how well we are able to handle whatever might have happened during that time. We are trying to get together with our sons again, so that must be a good sign. Macadam had to cancel due to a domestic situation this last weekend, but maybe we’ll be able to see him on Saturday. We’ve got arrangements to be seeing Jacob the next weekend on a Sunday. We’ve asked his roommate to come along, because Jacob requested. Yayyyy! All for getting to know the boys friends and certainly seeing the boys :)

Yesterday wasn’t such a hot day. We ran out of one of our important medicines while waiting for it to clear at the 3-month pharmacy. We arranged to get an extra 10 days supply, picked it up last night, and took one so hopefully won’t have so much problems now. We are still terrible at getting medicines on time, but hopefully, now should be fine until December 25th. Walgreen’s said yesterday that they are processing the last medicine, but it had to go through extra, because it is something ... not sure, we don’t remember.

Anyway. That’s enough of that!

I have had now about two weeks where I consider the Dr. M. Appointments not going as well as they had been. We are going and all and for the most part he’s been seeing older parts, but we feel as if we’ve been evasive. Yesterday, other parts were out including Annemarie who were younger. She didn’t want to talk, but made us feel miserable just the same. Dr. M. Said something about parts spilling over on each other as far as feelings. Yesterday there was something strange going on, in that we went through like three parts before Annemarie where we were feeling progressively worse. I forgot the words the last part said, but it was something like someone or something was sitting on her head. I know there was a lot of confusion and slow processing.

We felt more directly, that we were fighting to feel Dr. M.’s presence. Sometimes you can have appointments with him, but do not feel with him. Like some of the last appointments have been more informative. This is all on us of course. Dr. M. Adapts himself to wherever we are.

Hmm, kitty has just adjusted himself to be laying on the back of our chair. How did that happen? Not such a wide back. *Sigh* Take a note ... pay more attention!

Ahh, V’s up! Hmm, just noticing again that my left fingers seem to be tingly numb. Mark that down on things to check...

Ahh V’s being a little putsy and kitty is being annoying ... let me think ... door’s open, he had kitty food (Wet) this morning. Yup, yup lead me back to his dish. Oh oh V’s asking about school :(

Hmm, hot coffee AND ice water!

Ok, ok ... back seriously. Though still having kitty problem. We are NOT going to start feeding him wet twice in the morning! He’s got a little left anyway and a full bowl of dry!

Hmm, we’re still avoiding. It’s sort of like this ... I feel as if I have something pressing on my mind and I can’t figure out what it is. Except, I know it has something to do with Dr. M.

I think we talked about something yesterday. Cuz, someone talked about not feeling close and something about his happy face and wanting him to be smiling at us cuz of us being us. I think lately he’s been there, but we have the feeling of not quite meeting him, even though we are both in the same office and talking. Well, most of us are talking. Just think there is something missing like a slice of pie. We’ll say it’s a piece of cherry pie. Hehe ... sorry V. Couldn’t help it!

Just trying to lighten up.

Being at Dr. M’s yesterday was like ... Ok, I’m going to think real hard about whatever is in my brain - now you try to figure out what I really mean! Right now I feel like doing something drastic ... DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW!!! Well, I really don’t think we’re up to doing something drastic to Dr. M., But we’re feeling it just the same. We liked it when he talked about the neurotransmitters last week, but seems like this week, he is just skimming the surface. Ohh, I see how this works, it MUST be HIS fault! Yayyyy!

We’re going in frustrated and leaving kind of smoothed over frustrated. Next time, next time... Shoot, what the hell are we avoiding!??

Well, beside little parts that is ... we’re pretty sure we’re avoiding them. I think we talked toward the end about being a multiple and stuff. There has been some confusion the last couple of days doing memory stuff where we are going over Loftus. She’s a jerk ... you’ll have to read that though in the Masters’ journal. Basically, she’s the biggest opponent to people not believing multiplicity exists. That includes abuse survivors too. She’s against the whole thing and is a big part of False memory groups and what they call false memory syndrome as to people, mostly women only claiming to have been abused, but not really.

So, obviously, we go to therapy and ask ... am I really a multiple for over 15 years? There is somewhere somehow always that nagging feeling, none of this is real, I’m not real, your not real? So, why don’t we all just stay home and sleep it off! Kitties would love it!

Well except I have a staffing today ... if that is real.

I think I’m giving myself a headache. Dr. M. Said something like after all this time, he would be pretty sure if it were not real. I’m thinking then he’s thinking hmm, she is having another reality problem ... Damn! I hate when that happens! Oh, that’s right she’s psychotic too!

Well ... shoot, yah know somebody has messed up somewhere here pretty big, because I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t have made psychotics for some no good reason!

Hmm, seems like I’ve been hiding some crabbyness!

Maybe we are still fighting the points made last week. I am hearing mr. Rogers say something like, look here is our friend Ms. Strangopants! We’re going to take a look at the butterflies in her brain today! Won’t that be fun?!

shoot, I hate it when we get cranky. It is a "hey, let’s all go back to bed" feeling. Maybe, we can sleep it off! ‘Cept not sure that is going to fix anything. Maybe today being the day after, things will stop seeming so scary.

Ok, better wrap this up ... exactly, where are we standing, or sitting now? We’re recognizing we’re in a bad mood ... hmm, better fix that up first. Dr. M. Would ask, why are you in a bad mood? Cuz, we are, Is that where you want to be? NOOOOOO! I’d rather be jumping off the front end of a train! Do you think this might have something to do with (let me think here) ... what are you feeling ... Like punching someone in the nose! Hmm, did I tell you about B. At work? She punched her sister-in-law ... got in a real fight! Is there someone you would like to punch. Anyone that get’s within 10 feet of me! That is interesting, you know that Annemarie was trying to push someone away too? She was? Yes, she said, "Leave me alone! What do you think she’s trying to avoid?" YOU!!!! That seems like a contradtion, on the one side she wants to be left alone, but then on the other side ... You are going to make me cry! Do you feel sad? NO FRUSTRATED! Why? Can we justtalk about something else? Ok, what would you like to talk about? I feel TIRED! If V. Can nap, I can too! Later ....

Hi, it’s me again. There is less than a half hour before we are supposed to go to work. So figure we’ll write a little more. I think we had about an hour nap.

I woke up with the strangest thing happening. I had very noticeable extra freckles and red spots the size of freckles over my entire top of both arms. It is not so noticeable now, but I only have a spot like type thing. Maybe more freckly than red now. My left hand continues to tingle and I’m a kinda scratchy. I know I had some freckles before, but I don’t remember it like this. The underside of my arms don’t seem to be any different than before. Maybe I’ll ask my friend if my arms look normal if I’m still noticing difference. I think he is supposed to be at work today, and maybe coming over tonight. Because of the cutting a couple of months ago, I had given my arms a real good look. I just don’t remember this. :( Man, I’m getting goofier by the moment. :(

Ok, something else ... let’s see what? Well, I’m not feeling as cranky as before, maybe though still confused. Sure wish I didn’t have that meeting today. I need some time to write. Need some time to think. Fortunately, the meeting isn’t until 1:00 pm this afternoon. Maybe I will be able to concentrate on getting the corresponding report done early, so I can focus on something else afterward. PLEASE anyone listening in the system, DO NOT put off the staffing papers, until just before ... you are going to give us a stroke! Just saying ...

Hmm, enough time for just one more thought. What should it be. See that is the thing ... I have absolutely nothing really important to be saying. Just feel like I’m hanging around. Most thoughts end something like something, something, Dr. M. I didn’t mind being obsessed with him before when the thoughts were fun, but it’s not fun now. More like worrisome. Not quite like he’s expecting anything, but we are. It’s a feeling like not measuring up. Cause when he raises the magnifying glass to his eyes, we’re thinking, "Don’t look, don’t Look!!" But, then he would say "Why is there something you don’t want me to see?" We might then whimper and lower our head and think out loud, "I don’t want you to see me, because it hurts." He’d ask "what is making it hurt?" "I don’t know, but it seems everything hurts." "Can you describe the pain?" "Mostly, in my head. It feels like my dog growing up when she cowered because somebody was mad." Know I am thinking of my grandfather when we would pull away from him. If it had been my mother there would be more anger. Now its sort of like we are feeling sorry for ourselves. I think its because we’ve disappointed him." "Did you do anything to disappoint him?" "I think he was sad. I made him sad. Some point I think it wasn’t fun anymore." "What was fun?" "I don’t want to talk about it!" "Ok, is that why it was so important that you could make me smile." "I think I’m going to cry. I don’t want to think no more." Parts switch ... Think its time to go to work. :(