About 4 minutes after we left Dr. M's office this afternoon, the word "vigilant" came into our brain. The first thought was the wish to go back to the office to discuss it with Dr. M. But we knew the session had ended for this week. During the meeting we had concentrated only on the word, "obsessive." We used it to describe how we have been behaving while back to work full time this week, especially in regard to our writing both at home and work.
The vigilant part of our week has been watching for signs of our core part, Dear Heart. Last time we experienced her, she was angry/depressed.
Dr. M. suggested that maybe our repetitive behavior is a safe way for us to keep from going somewhere that is more scary to us. Hmm, we were scared even to leave Dr. M's office though we've done this hundreds of times. Now we wonder ... were we feeling Dear Heart's feelings? Or, was it one of our parts?
Dr. M. said that the cores of most multiples are usually very well hid from not only the external world, but our internal world as well. The core originally had to find safety not only from horrendous abuses, but most likely from the confusion caused by having "parts."
We've stressed often since the hospilization a strong urgent feeling of needing more safety and structure. How does this tie in?
Spose the next thing might be to risk "feeling" a little more? And, we need to decide too what feelings we are experiencing are real or unreal before we can even venture to guess whose feelings they are. I could say I'm afraid of our abusers, but our abusers are mostly dead or far from here, so to fear them today would be an unreal feeling. A real fear would be more like ... while driving, the fear of being tired.
Damn, this is tricky stuff.
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