An All Day Entry ... to Be Continued

Mornin. How is everyone today? It’s already 6:30 am here. The day is feelin much better than last night and the afternoon had. For that I’m feeling very blessed. We’re having a plum. Can’t go wrong there. Ahh, juicy sweet inside and tart outer wrap.

I get to spend two days at home now. We’re looking forward to that. It wasn’t much of a productive week and at that, it seemed too much. Least that’s our impression at the moment.

We’re still feeling kinda down ... I wish this didn’t happen as often as it seems to. We’d gotten very, very angry, then that anger turned into depression. We needed to call the hospital to help regain our footing. Our brain was very confused and we weren’t "Thinking right." The doctor on call had wanted us to come in, but I know with our background they would have hospitalized us. We’ve worked too hard to gain a position at the Center to give it up with our inabilities to progress emotionally.  Just because some of the parts are directly inflamed, doesn't mean we all are.  The rest of us need to give them time, but as well set up the stage so that we all don't become vulnerable. 

So, instead ... she helped us get through the thoughts of what we were supposed to do. Simple stuff like take your medicine, turn on some soft music, lay down and practice breathing. As chance would have it ... between taking the medicine and laying down, Tammy signed on and said hello. I think God was looking after us. We talked and she made a couple other good suggestions like pajamas and an ice slushy.

We felt we were becoming stronger while talking to her. Before we’d felt isolated. Thank you Tammy.  Click here for Tammy's 'prize!

I think we might get scolded from Vince this morning, because we’d "bought in to" the same problems we’ve been having ever since the CARF inspector was here. The final congratulation letter had come which again made Sr. In a crabby mood. We tried to prepare ourselves, because she said we would be going over the CARF survey during the staff meeting and she said that she would be doing the staff in-service after the meeting.

As it turned out her CARF overview was ... more like .... well, aren’t you all tired of CARF too? You can look at the results yourself. Then she said they could have the rest of the day to eattheir pizza and whatever and left to play the martyr in being the one to watch the big group of clients who were outdoors "playing." Tammy suggested that she might still be processing her mother’s death. Iagree with that thought, but figure she’s been processing her mother thoughts the whole five years of us being there.

Usually, Sr. Tess is able to get over the big anger sessions more quickly, she has so much left over anger to spread around on the smaller stuff, but it seems she is holding onto her anger at the CARF inspection and will most likely stay on that track for the next three years into the next one. As far as my own thoughts, it feels very depressing to have to go into the kind of effort we did the first time, all over again after having spent a year’s worth of time and energy into a project with such distaste for her. I felt that all that effort had been in vain and instead anything positive, she’s associated me with all the negativity she is feeling. I feel as if I’m sinking into it like quicksand.

Later...

I’m sorry ... seems we just had another "spell." Our thoughts freeze up on us, the lights become too bright and we get woozy. This time our mood had sunk again. So we put ourselves down for another sleep. We know what we have to do if thing get very bad.

We woke again at 8:30 am. Our friend had left us a message. We had told him that we needed time to work on our anger, but instead he’d laughed sarcastically. I think he thinks he’s figured things out. He only knows what would work for him, I’m afraid. He’d left an IM message while we’d been sleeping. He still sounds mad, because we cancelled another meeting that are usually hard to come by. We returned a message, but said we were going to most likely be cautious.

Still having trouble processing thoughts. They don’t come out straight forward. I think this might be an all day entry. Since the morning is getting later, we are going to post, but then continue to write. We’ll post periodically. Just need the feeling of being connected. I need to try making sense of our minds. Somewhere and somehow that feels safe. It’s 9 am now ... maybe after a while ...Yes, that’ll work.

Please know that we are taking care of ourselves. If we were in immediate danger, we would know what we would have to do. Just being cautious ...

Later...

*Sigh* another half hour has lapsed. We’re are now into our "apple" stage of the day. This time a big red apple. Maybe not as juicy sweet as the Golden apples. I think our logic here has been that "an apple a day will keep the doctor away." Seems a good thought at least :) We are thinking Vince like thoughts ... we figured he would be telling us to, "RELAX!" *Sigh* Maybe we could do with a bit of distraction from our inner thoughts. Kind of focus on "others" for a while.

I wonder where we left off on our journal reading? We’ve been to our normal journals, but only made one or two comments. Irun, if you happen by ... you ROCK! Irun has managed to hit his big 10,000 hits today! It’s an exciting mark for anyone, I think. Should be ... that’s a lot of people contact!! Irun says though that he only has 8 ½ regular visitors ... we figure he’s won over many more hearts, especially to be included in his love ... is his biggest heart won, Irun says, she rules!  :)

Let me see here ... how is our Journal Collection progressing? Yeeks, still in the "B’s" Hehe to be fair, we’ve gone on a little further. Since we’ve started marking our progress. We’ve read about 200 journals. Times 10 entries each that’s about 2000 entries read ... at least since we’ve been recording. Maybe I should go back and number them. Oh WoW, the program renumbers them if you copy and paste a new one into the order!  Hehe, small in comparison to all that’s out there, but really pretty much a lot. We’re thinking though that most of the reading happened before the entries got bigger. We’re quite sure if anyone counted the return visits to friend’s sites, each of us would be like, "Read 10,000!"  Yep, people ... this is what one does sometimes in a quiet life of self and all.  I do know at least 7 or 8 of you that have done those numbers times five.  You just never know how it is we all connect and influence one another's days.

By now we've talked to Tammy and our friend.  Tammy is off for about 3 hours to work.  She's always a welcomed spirit!  Never know what we'd do without having made a few computer friends a long the line.

Our 3D friend is now out of contact because he's at work.  He's still taking things personally.  He added to our upset, but was not the original cause.  Why is it that people get involved in the middle of someone's anger?  If someone says, I need timealone to take care of my emotions, it would seem the other could take care of himself until welcomed back without the teasing and prodding.  It seems they want to step into likely projections bounced from one bad situation onto themselves.  Maybe its so they can gain control?  It's very dangerous though, because if you can't resolve it, especially if they are being insensitive, instead of the loss of one relationship, now you feel as if it is two.  Just like poison that spreads.  Maybe it would have been different if he'd offered a hug and allowed us to cry on his shoulder.  Isn't the way it turned out though.  

Maybe we should go back to our playing now.  We're going to play and play til Vince is so proud, he'll burst!  :)  (10:30 am)

Later...

Hmm, not progressing very far. Now about 12:30. We’d set the timer to be checking in every couple of hours minimum. We’d barely progressed our collection, when our oldest son called. He’s just being the neatest person right now. I can’t hardly believe he’s my son. Just feel so honored to be in his thoughts. We talked about things in general. He’s had another exceptional week, and fantastic month down at work. My granddaughter is doing well and my daughter-in-law remains up to her ears busy :). My son says he’s got himself into 11 fantasy baseball leagues and he is going to start playing volleyball again (as he had in high school). This time it’s a summer league out on sand. He says that my middle son might join him, but couldn't make it today.  No new word on my youngest son, with the exception that he and his best friend took summer jobs (college) at Best Buy. Alden is working security and our son is working electronic game section. Very good match-up for both boys.  Macadam also talked about starting with the Netflicks. He’s having a very good time with that one :)

I told him about the situation of the last day or so. I’m always hesitant about this kinda stuff, because I don’t want to overwhelm the boys with my troubles. He was very wonderful in saying that I should call at any time night or day and he was angry with Sr. Too. He says when he used to work at UPS as a supervisor, the "guys" would get special treats like pizza parties or such, but management would always "reward" the supervisor for their extra efforts. It really helped that Macadam seems to understand my anger. It’ll take him a while to catch up with reminders to me that I should put on gentle music or have an slushy. He’s just starting to be in my life every week or two ... Day to day would be too much on him. Maybe one day, but for now he has a young family to be part of. Just so proud of all three boys.

Oh-man-o-man ... This is almost as lucky as seeing the Miller Lite truck on the way to work in the morning. Thanks for stopping by Slo. Shoot, should have mentioned that anyone noted to stop by today, might be specially blessed, especially being the bearer of a hug! Slo ... You’ll always be right up there with top of the world good friends!! It's the way your made.  We’re nodding our head in agreement, we’ve never figured out anger. It’s more apparent now days for sneaking up and biting us ... but, now days we can see it face forward. We like the less stressful part ... the writing helps a tremendous amount and by now, we’ve added raspberry yogurt to the day! :)

Depression feels like a million miles away.  This seems to be turning into a real nice day!  Weather is stable at 74 degrees.  Maybe sometime we should figure out how to sit a few moments out on the balcony?  Hmm, maybe not yet though.  Still seems mighty bright.

Well, enough so far ... back to the journal collection. All’s well so far :)