With Tears

Good early evening! Hehe - took us a while to get here! Thanks Vince for stoppin in and checking on the ‘ol girl :). Shoot, better take off our lunch bib, it’s already 4:30 as I start.

I want first to introduce a new writer that we came upon while over visiting Nadine this morning. Her name is Rose and she has a life story worth reading. She’s been down on her luck, but is always optimistic. She’s about our age I figure in that her daughter has a child about our grandchildrens’ ages. She also has someone in her immediate life who is called, Turtle. We’re fairly sure he’s not the variety which eats bugs and such. One of the things that is really cool about Rose is that through all her hardships, she’s never lost her desire to be independent! She’s half a mind to start up her own business from ground up! Whether she goes for this option or not ... think she’s one heck of a lady! Stop by and meet her!! Caution here ... since we only have on a good day 2 to 3 regular visitors ... this means all of you should wonder over and welcome her to the neighborhood!! *Most winning smile!*

Vince ... you called the game correctly, in that we’ve been resting and relaxing today! We went back to bed continuously until it was about 9:30 ... apparently this is still in the morning!

Somewhere in our consciousness, we had thought that we ought to be reading, but truth be told ... after a long week not spending so much time with the journals, I am aching to see how everyone is doing. It’s taken us until now to catch up! Been a busy week for most folk ... and a lot of new changes for some. Most of them the variety that could be viewed as challenging. I don’t want to be called on this one though ... I remember nearly being of time for my first labor with still thoughts in mind as told, that it would be "slightly discomfortable!" Yeah right ...

Ok, ok ... life out there is tough! Seems like people have to wait and wait for changes while others hope that time doesn’t catch up with them ... maybe because the change is incomprehendable. Whoops, two big words that haven’t made it past spell check. We’re pretty sure you are getting the drift here. It’s justthat ... people continue to go on planning and planning and inevitably stuff starts to happen that wasn’t in the original plan. But, really that’s the real story! Like you knew you wanted a zillion kids, or flowers, gratitude, puppies, mula or such ... Should it be a surprise that some days that situation refuses to make sense?

It’s kind of goofy ... like with our Sr. Tess. One would think we could build up an emotional arsenal to protect us from her irrationalities. But, nope ... this week we’ve just sat around hoping against the odds that she’ll have a very, very long vacation. This is a terrible thought! In reality, I know she’ll be back before another week and chances are I’ll be just as unprepared.

We’re going to try real hard not to complain about her anger. All the more so, in that, the first morning that she was to be gone, I went into my office and right in the middle of my desk was an envelope from Sr. Tess. I was almost scarred to open it. But, we did. There was a beautiful fancy card and on it with writing. She said that we were her best employee and she wanted us to know we WERE appreciated. She said, she didn’t feel comfortable taking us out to dinner, but she slipped in a check for $1,000.

I feel a ton of guilt for this. I hadn’t asked for money. I just wanted to make her happy and good in her eyes. I had a hard time knowing I hadn’t. This to me was unforgivable. I was a bad person. I had felt invisible to her as if I didn’t matter, or that my work didn’t matter. I think this is a form of feeling sorry for myself. I’m not all that I mean to be and that I really can’t make a difference in the eyes of someone I love. Maybe this is an unfair thing to have put upon Sr. Tess. Because now while I’m thinking of it. Thought comes to mind that this had been my relationship with my mother. She never got to know me through her anger either. Just Sr. Tess is my boss. My feelings and thoughts are inappropriate for the relationship.

That’s all on that one ... but, then yesterday something else happened. The check came through the estate of my father and stepmother. I’ve been really looking forward to the check and the first thing we did was run it over to the bank to deposit it with the other. But again we’re assaulted with all kinds of guilt feelings. It feels like I cannot rid myself of the money fast enough. I was angry to hear that it would take at least 10 days to clear. Still am going through it.

I’ve got it all spent out ... the gift to Macadam, the books, the bills,the car, and of the last two days a real couch and drapes. My first. And, then like poof! It’s all gone. Nothing set aside for emergency. Someone is running around inside me screaming, "I don’t care! I just want what I want!" Our friend had taken us out to dinner on Friday and had dared hint that I might wait a week for him to shop with us for a sectional or window treatments that weren’t so costly. But, that only made us angrier. I want the finest and the best! Seems we wanted to make our choices before even Macadam pushed us to be more reasonable. It is the once in a lifetime to be ahead of the game, but we’re turning over the money for Door # 3. Always wanted Door #3. Don’t know why. It seems horribly materialistic. We feel like a consuming monster, necessarily out of control!

I’m afraid this is in our mind, "Blood money." And, this "Thing" is being passed on to all three sons. My father and Sandy split it evenly 12 ways to cover all their family members, so the three sons are also benefitted. Hmm, I just called my "stranger sons ... the 20 and 22 year olds." I got on the phone for 53 seconds my middle son whom I have not talked to since October last year. I thanked him for picking up. He said that he was in the middle of things and had to go. And, yes he got the check. I asked Jacob too? Is there any concerns? Yes, Jacob had gotten his and neither of them have any trouble with it. He doesn’t usually return calls. He doesn’t appear to want me in his life, although nothing has been said, what I’ve done wrong. The youngest son stays with the middle and shares in most of the abandon.

I don’t know just feeling kind of bad right now. I thought the money would make everyone feel happy. Just seems to be making us sadder and sadder. Maybe, we can write better later. I’m sorry.  We're pretty confused.  I'll never get over these fast switches.  I'm sorry

Busted ... My oldest son called to check on me in general. It’s terrible to cry in front of your kids. Then they might get worried. He is fairly close to his brothers and works with the middle one, but he says Tanner is going to be Tanner. It still hurts. I think it also puts too much pressure on Macadam, because then he’s the in-between person. I’m sorry ... think we’re having feelings of rejection.

Macadam is the same as our friend ... they each want me to get less expensive couches and drapes in a week or two, so we have money left over. Macadam suggested that if I wanted to have custom made drapes his wife could do it. And, he says he can take me shopping. I HATE shopping. I like ordering things over the Internet. I like to get the first good thing I like and I don’t want to mess with it any further. I told Macadam that I don’t want another rejection. I’d asked his wife once before for help and she didn’t think it were possible. This kind of things throws out of kilter relationships. But, again the relationship is out of kilter already due to the multiplicity. I’m not trusted to take care of my Granddaughter, or see my Grandson by myself because of it.

Oh dear ... this is turning out to be a terrible entry. We had wrote to Dr. M. about the furniture on Friday. He said he liked the sofa and the color and that most people spent "up front" for something they really liked and would be of quality so they could have it for a long time. He was the one to have told us about the site. So confused..