The Day Starts Early

Another set of nightmares ... This time we dreamed first that we were at a party of my mother’s family. There was drinking and eating and laughter by the others.  The only part I can remember now is that my ex father-in-law was very angry with us. He was known to us as being not physically violent, but intellectually threatening.  In the nightmare, he’d surprised us with punching us in the face. Somehow he then became my mother's brother.  I remember leaving that party and being in a bad neighborhood and we couldn't find our keys. We ended up in a gang/cult like private setting. We were put through some very vicious/sexual feats. At last, they had put electrodes on us, electrocuted us and were left for dead. We remember laying in the muddy gutter, but we weren’t dead. One of the members took interest in us and brought us home. He was married and had a lot of children. They lived in a "home" that was a covered area over the side of a rocky ledge. He did things that should have caused us great pain. But, we just looked down, did not cry or get angry. He seemed to like us and decided to keep us to fulfill his interest in this kind of abuse and sport. Some of the obstacles involved animals like big cats, snakes, and ferrets. I remember being given a couple of real small objects at the beginning to hold. No matter what obstacle we were put through, we were not to let these objects go. I think one was a couple of small metal washers and the other maybe some kind of small pine cone. Toward the end, he’d invited friends and important leaders over to watch and test me further. He seemed proud of us.  The last part I remembered was being sent out on an errand with firecrackers placed in a place I wouldn’t care to name. The degradation didn’t seem to overly affect us.  We felt a sense of devotion to him.

Doesn’t seem we’re on schedule ... I don’t know why exactly, but I don’t think we’re going into work this morning. Just don’t feel up to it. I’d like to say that I was going to stay home and be productive, but I don’t know if we’ll do that either. Just have a real sense of uneasiness. It’s like feeling doomed.  Think we'll go lay down a little longer, maybe we'll feel better?

The day gets cancelled ... We went back to bed for maybe a couple of hours, but we have not been able to shake the feeling of depression.  We wrote Sister Tess by email a few moments ago to let her know we're sickand won't be coming in today.  Maybe we can figure out something ... We're thinking that an email to Dr. M. might be in order.  Just need some time to think ... we're having difficulty putting together our thoughts.  Maybe if we just try to write.

Hmm, an advancement on the morning - 8:30 am ... We did a couple of things. We wrote to Dr. M. Just a short note. And, we IM’d with our friend. It was an old familiar drill we’ve gone over so many times before. Just not lately. Our friend’s point is that we need to get in the shower and take our medicine. Our point is we don’t want to do anything. We rarely win these battles. But, there are a good number of complaints put out by us in the meantime. I can tell we’re being umm, "resistant," but that doesn’t seem to change things. The more we cry and yell, "leave us alone," the harder he seems to push. He uses tons of tactics that we’ve never figured out. Maybe the big trick is in turning us from just depressed to downright crabby. He seems to know all the tricks though. Bottom line is we’ve showered and taken our medicine. Hmm, better put on patch too.  Two steps forward.

Trying to figure things out ... Pretty much where we are at is feeling depressed. Our thoughts are negative and we’re feeling overwhelmed. Like if we do one thing, then there will be another and we’re pretty sure we can’t handle any of it. The negative thoughts seem thick, heavy, and muddled. We worry about what is being thought of us, or if we are really crazy. What exactly does it mean to be psychotic? Hmm, maybe we can be psychotic and not crazy. Eh, what does that part matter anyway. What is important here ... what are we avoiding? What makes it so difficult to think clearly? I think we’re trying to avoid some of the obvious things like nightmare or yesterday’s session. The session was hard, we keep finding ourselves there over and over again. Not in real thoughts but, flash pictures. I can’t put a handle on it ... thinking if I could only label the picture, I might get it to slow down enough to deal with it proper. I wish we could have grabbed an image of Dr. M. Couldn’t look at him the entire session. Just his hand at the very end ... it was pretty terrifying ... that’s the picture that we see now most often. But, there is a contradiction ... because simultaneously we’ve carried the image in both very bad and very good ways. Can’t get a hold of whether the hand is a friend or enemy. This was all because Dr. M. handed us our keys ... and then there’s more cuz we know we sat next to him ... just not dealing with all this ... our brain screams again too much, too much. I don’t know ... maybe some music would be in order. Maybe if we concentrate we can handle our nature sounds. Oh wow ... 37 more minutes of our absolute favorite, "Pine Forest." Time out.

Good hour or so ... Sat down on the couch to listen to nature sounds and drifted off. We’d been covered with our blanket and had book propped comfortably on lap. We woke up hearing the loud demanding sound of Orca Whales ... must have been mating, because it got the kitties pretty frisky running and chasing each other inside the apartment and out on the balcony. Just watched them play for a bit. We went back to the computer and waited a few moments. We received the email we’d been hoping for from Dr. M. Suggested that we stay in the present and we will talk in a couple of days. Hmm... sounds familiar ... not sure why we are fighting these simple thoughts like the one’s suggested earlier to take shower and medicine. I remember something from the days we saw Dr. W. He had figured out one of the problems and we transferred it into a self directive. It went, "When in doubt, trust Dr. W." Probably the same here now, ‘cept we should trust Dr. M. Where does this strong, "I don’ wanna" voice comes from. Shoot. Nothing seems easy. C’mon trust Dr. M, trust Dr. M.. Maybe we could challenge the smarter parts? Think we’ll try the reading? Certainly, we’ve napped enough!  Ahh, nice peaceful, "Midsummer Night" nature sounds.  Relax ... relax ... He said, "we'll make make sense of it," meaning him and us ... just got to be patient, right?  Relax, relax...

Hmm, maybe we relaxed too much ... We’ve been gone for a couple of hours. Maybe we relaxed too much, because we fell asleep again. The couch is entirely too comfortable. Just a heavenly place to sit. We’ve been reading about transitional objects. I’ve got so many that it’s hard to separate them. This computer seems to be one, the couch and blanket and book too. But, while we were reading, we thought most of our stuffed dog. Yes, yes ... milk shakes too. We’ve been going for longer and longer periods without him. Usually, he sleeps with us in the bed, but lately we’ve taken to sleeping out on the couch again. It’s not as safe for him out here. Now, we’re unable to step that far from the computer. Back in 90' when we were diagnosed as a multiple, we had started carrying our stuffed dog and would only put him down for brief showers and his laundering. We’d become attached to him between stays at one hospital on our way to another. It was a couple of years of carrying him, even after release from the hospital. We didn’t travel much outside the house, but he would accompany us regardless. We figure he’ll go with us when we go. If he needs to be called a transitional object, so be it ... but, he stays no matter how severely affected we may seem.  Shoot ... still can't make the bed, nor wash the dishes.  :(  And, someone really should make up the grocery list?  Noooooooooo... Ok, ok ... but, sometime, right?  You getting hungry?