Our body was 25 years old when we recognized that we needed help dealing with our issues, but it wasn’t until we were 31 that we became aware of the multiplicity. Our disassociation included the normal periods of amnesia, not remembering our behaviors, and messing up with general “reality.”
The mom in us caught our self(ves) in the act of being abusive toward our incredible four year old son, Macadam. We had picked him up and were shaking him. We were shocked and horrified. We thought we’d gone crazy, in that, we were imitating our mother’s which we had vowed never, never to do. We then opened the phone book and sought “emergency” counseling.
We were overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, and feelings of terror, helplessness, and rage. A year later we discussed with the therapist the possibility of having been sexually abused by our grandfather. We were more aware of the parent’s physical and psychological abuse.
We had felt safer after high school. We went away to college. We were avid readers and fitted our selves to psychology and human development. We were trying to figure things out. We also found great satisfaction that year with being out in the wonder of nature. The campus was located on a beautiful bluff.
Before college, countless hours were spent away with friends or up at the school. Directly with family, we hid behind the closed door and confinement of our bedroom. We were terrified of upsetting people, though outwardly we were rebellious, defiant, and forgetful. At school, we were at the top of our class and active in studies, business, athletics, music, and scouts.
My last semester of high school my grandfather died, my mother fell for a stranger, and my father was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. Then, my mother moved out and they were divorced. My tormenting brother had already left for college, so we stayed with my narcisstic younger sister and the “family’s house.” My father was away driving truck four days a week.
The breakdown was a husband and three babies later. We've never stopped therapy since then. Our body is now 44.
Et Al's Journal of Psychological Research
6 comments:
Hi Ayn and all! sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I appreciate your comments to my journal and for adding me to your favorite sites list, I'm truely honored. I read some of your journal and I think you're truely amasing.I'll be back for sure! Siempre, Shasta
Hey Shasta - Thanks for dropping by! The honor is all ours. I'm sorry to hear that you are needing to worry about money issues. We hope very much that you will be able to continue some of the services you fear to be losing. We'll keep checking in. Be taking care...
We're sending our best love and prayers,
Ann
You have such an incrediable story, and to be where you are now is amazing. All the more reasons why your journal is amazing, and why I adore you.
Love, Erin
Hi Ayn,
Thanks for the input into my last journal entry. I have had a lot of psychological therapy over the years. When it gets down to the point of being to close to the traumas from younger days, I can't stay in my body to work with things. It's feels so soft and safe where ever my mind goes. So don't worry about me dear, I'm a rather hard egg to crack. :o) Love, Lois
This is the juice! The meat! The stuff! I just love coming here. Thank you for sharing your stories. I'm in awe of your 'clinical awareness' (not sure how else to describe it). I notice you speak for "all" in most of this entry except for the para that starts, "My last semester..." Who is that speaking? just curious :) xo
Awwe, for you Freee, we feel comfortable enough to say we'll leave the back door open! Come on over whenever!" You know ... you're the first one to ever say that we had "clinical awareness." I guess we never thought about it before. It feels good. Like maybe we're becoming the kind of professional we always wanted to be?? Hehe by the way, umm the I is me, I'm Corey, but with all the entry's there are always editors. Our love!
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