'Scuse us ... we're just rambling now.

  
I don’t usually do this ... but, I’m going to continue the general entry one more time.  It seems that we are not destined to be doing much reading of new material today.  There is about an hour and a half left before we need to get moving, but we are having such a nice relaxed day, I’d like to give ourselves permission for it to continue.  Usually, what happens when we read the “Good stuff,” we have tendencies to over-excite our mind.  Usually, this is a good thing, but thinking of V reminding us were on vacation! :) 

So, since we’re here and still tuned into our Dr. M. Thoughts ... we’re going to try processing a few more thoughts.  I know, I know ... I can be tiresome :)

Well, the truth of the matter is that we started going backward in reading over the entries we have been writing starting with yesterday.  Went all the way back to entry written July 1rst.  I wanted to see where we have been.  Man, came as almost complete surprise the stuff we’ve been going through, and I had no idea we’d written only 10 entries over two months time.  No wonder Deb was worried over us!  We just had no idea ... we’ve gone through something psychological over this last period of time. 

My first inclination was to try going back far enough to figure out why it happened.  Things seemed hectic, but going along the first part of July.  At the time I remember now there being a week or two where we were loaded down with 3 courses.  But, the things is ... we also wrote something of a few of the sessions with Dr. M.   It seems at this point to think that there was about 3 things going on.  Our relationships to him, school, and just trying to get through the basics.  Oh yeah ... and we lost time with the sex stuff.  Friendships were good, except at the end when V got sick.  There was two visits to jacob in there and one to Macadam.  So all that was fine.  I didn’t realize that most times we leave the house we’re counting backward in time.  Seems like a pattern.  Maybe that is part of the “marker” system ... No matter who is up and out, at 3 pm, someone has to take a shower.  Maybe then it is kinda of a bidding game.  Who wants it?  We didn’t really talk about work much except the problems the poor staff was having in the fourth group.  She was in an aide position.  I hadn’t realized when I had written about wanting to help her out that she had already turned in two weeks notice.  I guess that’s why Sister has an opening.  Hadn’t figured that out.  Shoot, feel real dense here.  The poor lady never established control over the group. 

The school part has been doing its part in two ways.  One is that it keeps our stress levels high, and the other part is that we seemed to be challenged by the material throughout, but especially the male/female relationships and sexuality/sensuality toward the end.  Somehow it seems we’ve garbled up that with the relationships of my abusive grandfather and Dr. M.  I’m wondering how he did with all that.  The only thing really written is a couple times he was talking in his low voice to very young parts who were acting up and that seems to have threatened the system along with whatever else might have been adding to that.  Can’t help to think here that I’m a bit curious as to what was happening in those appointments.  We didn’t seem to know back then either.  I know that Kelsie, Corey and Lissa went off a deep end and Casey is reported to be upset by Dr. M.  That and we caused ourselves all that grief with the sex sites.  What I remember of all that is pretty foggy.  I know it is something we did.  Little embarrassed by the whole thing, more confused than anything.  I think looking at what happened now.  The turning point might have been that someone was feeling very out of control enough to be threatening the system and Dr. M. With another hospitalization through self-violence.  Oh, that’s another thing ... V said in there something that he thought the sex stuff was being self-violent too.  I’m definitely agreeing with that.  I don’t want to hash out all that happened, I would like to think through the next part as to what is happening in the therapy sessions.  Especially now, since we only have an hour before starting down that path again.

It makes sense to ask Dr. M. What had happened during those sessions, but I’m thinking now someone already might have done that, because I’m getting a message that he had talked to them something about being safe in his office.  Maybe that is a key.  It appears that we were not feeling safe with the little parts out.  We’re not scared of Dr. M. As much as we are scared of them.  A lot of energy was being released through school.  Seems we kept up differences the entire semester with the writing teacher.  Eh, she’s gone now.

I don’t know how to quite think through the fear of having little parts out.  Somewhere I am being confused with the thought that those little parts are us.  But, that would seem way to crazy.  Hmm, there was something there too.  We were having trouble wanting to be in reality.  That would seem to be a real thing.  Wow, something written in our textbook of Growing up.  That certainly must have threatened the hell out of us. 

So where are we shoot that thought is familiar too.  We thought we were going crazy ... back to needing Dr. M. To reign us back in.  Hmm, someone started the dishwasher ... good.

Battling with the confusion feeling coming over me again.  Shoot, that’s the kind of thing that was happening then too.  Wow.  It seems now just like that except I am stronger ... I think we were then too trying to figure out our relationship with Dr. M.  It seems to be a contrast between wanting to see him and not wanting to see him.  And, this seems to lead us into sidling up to that grandfather relationship again.  Shoot, you all must be tired of this by now.  Always being on the tip of things, never clearly understanding.  Maybe this next course will really help.

This was the first quote I took from the reading. 
"Emotions in humans are normally characterized by the presence of four major components:  a cognitive component, a motivational-behavioral component, a somantic component, and a subjective-experiential component" (Clore & Ortony, 2000, p. 24).

I think thinking about some of this stuff is most likely going to bring new thoughts to mind.  Have no idea the direction they are going to take.  I am grateful for Dr. M’s knowledge of psychology in helping me keep on track.  It’s kind of weird, but just acknowledging now that wherever we have gone, he’s kept pace.  Don’t know how he does it, but feel grateful. 

Hmm, next paragraph talks about people having their own “perceived world.”  Yup yup that’s gotta be true.  I think the cognitive part of it is in finding meaning of the important emotional stuff.  Wow!  Motivation-behavior is concerned with the way we are inclined to act ... thinking now of the ledge we stepped off before.  We sensed the danger, but went forward anyway.  The subjective component is in being aware of the combination of feelings, beliefs, desires, and bodily sensations.  WoW!  What a thought.  Now thinking of the younger parts out on the couch and that sense.  Except you don’t know their beliefs and desires.  Well, maybe they have a desire to connect with Dr. M. I think that is pretty sure.  But, if we were going to guess on a feeling it would be fear.  We think the younger parts are trying to reach out to him.  The concept of bodily sensation is part of what scares us.  The younger parts use our body differently than we do.  It’s more wild and impulsive.  Almost as if filled with their own separate energy systems.  I am much more comfortable sitting in front of the keyboard where the fingers rarely leave the keyboard unless were taking a drink or having a smoke.  You all know already how obsessed we get in not moving around so much.  Funny, feel that fearful place of watching the clock, like when we are at Dr. M.’s A good many of us know the hands positions in relationship to how much time left.  Usually is like the difference in opening and shutting valves.  We never know what is going to happen next, but we’re real good about getting someone out to “save the day” hehe I mean walk out the door.  The difference in being a multiple is that there is more variety I think in where we are going to go next.  Small within our small life, but we never know who’s going to come out at what moment and what their perception of the situation is going to be.  Like with the appointment tonight.  The system knows that there is an open-door policy where anyone could show up at Dr. M’s office.  Just that we have to be able to walk out the door within an hour.  Dr. M. Said something in the last set of conversations sort like we can turn off the urgency we are feeling by turning away from the computer.  That was what might have happened to have prevented that last nasty situation.  Since, we’re pretty tense now ... I think that’s what we’re going to do.  Maybe take that shower earlier ... that’s what our friend would tell us ... Ok, ok going for it!

AHHHH!  Nice!  It always feels nice when we get out.  Sure wish it were a little easier getting in. 

Hmm, ok fresh breath.  There is an hour left to go.  Hmm, went over by the door ... felt fresh breeze.  It’s ok temp ... looks sunny.  Pretty bright.  Ok, we’re going to try feeling normal for an hour.  How would we do that and still be able to express ourselves.  Listening to cotton Tail - Still Ella.  I think reading is a little too much for us at the moment.  Maybe break it in lightly ... like go to work.  Eh, tomorrow.  We told Sr. We would be in for the rest of the day.  Hmm, she just opened our letter 20 minutes ago. *Sigh* Ok, ok enough work thoughts.

Hmm, just thought ... with this late appointment of 5 pm, we are going to be pretty close to unmedicated.  Usually we take the evening dose around 5 pm.  That’s the ideal at least.  Hmm, we can be calm, we can be calm.  It’s not that I would ever tell a part she couldn’t be out, but does she have to be so strange??  Ok, ok that’s not nice.  Hmm, so what is the question out on the table?  Can we be normal with Dr. M.  HA!  We don’t own any!  Shoot.

Ya know ... it’s not like we haven’t been to an appointment before.  Been seeing someone for the last 15 years!  Shoot, where has time gone.  Six years later, Dr. M. Is still feeling like the new guy.  Hmm, there was a thought.  He said something to us, maybe a younger part?  Something I think like he cared for us.  That was way to huge a statement.  We haven’t dealt with it yet.  What’s to deal with??  HA!  It’s the kind of thing could really mess you up!  Why?  Shoot, I dunno.  Wait, let me think.  First image is fourth grade playground.  Took a split second to get us here.  Standing behind a corner of the building with Terry Mead ... Wow what ever happened to her!  Anyway she was telling us in secret that a few of the boys had liked me.  That might have been the biggest moment in my whole fourth grade life.  That and Sarah dying.  What a funny thought.  We thought while we were in the shower how close we were to death.  Remember for a couple moments concentrating on just not wanting to be scared of it.  We knew it was going to happen.  Shoot don’t want to open that door ... Back out!  Hmm, let’s try it again.  Dr. M. Cares about me, the fourth grade boys cared about me.  That was before Sarah died.  Sshhhh.  Ok, enough of that ... Next paragraph.

Let’s try harder.  Dr. M. Cares about me, the 4th grade boys cared, and anyone else?  Dr. W., yes he cared that’s a safe thought.  Just because our grandfather walked us to see some ducks, didn’t mean he cared!!!  Shhh ... Ok, enough of this ... No?  Ok, go with that ... It is very threatening when someone cares about you.  Well, except Rich.  Ok, and V. Too.  The boys?  Well yes, they can care.  I’m probably confusing granddaughter by now.  Shhh...  Ok, about these other folk not caring who gives a hoot?  Let’s stay on the positive.  What would Dr. M. Want with me if he cared?  Hmm, that’s not real positive!  Damn.  Ok, let me try it again.  He might just want to be nice.  He’s always nice!  Pet turtle nice?  Hmm, yep yep that nice.  Remembering now the walk on the beach.  Maybe he would take us somewhere else.  Hmm, where would we go?  PlayGROUND!!!  Sure did like the jungle gym.  Used to have a real nice one up at city hall.  Shoot, then there was that idea with the x-country girls to build homes up in the city hall water tower.  Ok, ok this is going along fine.  Parks are safe.  Right?  Lot of time spent on softball field.  That was nice.  And, of course the ski trail park.  AND, remember the tank?  Yes, yes ... that was one of our favorites places.  I know buried Embry there.  We’re going to stay away from death.  Yes, yes, I know and the minister’s wife.  Shhhh, let it go.  No no ... not going to think of Sr. Tess.

Let’s try it again .. Dr. M. Cares about us ... what do we think about that?  No memories!  Well that’s good ... it’s kinda nice.  Bunny rabbit nice.  No, no remember he’s married.  Yep, snuggled elsewhere.  Shoot, this path feels kind of iffy.  Try another?

Can we let it be ok that he cares?  Seems like he barely knows us!  Shoot, 6 years, he must know something!  Ya ... but, it feels different.  It feels like when we go in there we’re always trying to get down to the real me.  Have no idea who that is.  Hmm, maybe we’re having an identity crisis.  Shoot, another crisis??  Ok, let’s not have a crisis.  I wonder who wants to talk to Dr. M. The most.  There seems to be a real longing yearning part in there.   Oh Girl!  You got too much time on your hands.  Just a half hour more.  Ok, ok as long as no one is getting crazy.  Hehe sure lotta people might talk to themselves.  I wonder if they get answers too.  Maybe, think of writers they know all the parts.  Hmm, maybe we’re kinda like a writer.  Certainly seems we do enough of it.  AND, we got that space-bar callous on our thumb just to prove it!  Ok, ladies let’s not be frivolous!  Why not?  Ok, I’m serious I know protection.  Ya know he isn’t being our psychiatrist so he can hurt us!  Hmm, that made us sit back.  What is it he’s helping us with?  Maybe he can find safety for us?  Shoot that one really slowed us down.  Went pretty blank, except to play with rubber band on cup handle.  That Dr. M. ... he’s pretty much a go forward kinda person.  He’s ready to jump into near anything!  What are we willing to work on.  Been kinda relaxing day.  Maybe something a little tougher.  There is a sense of wanting to get to the important stuff without knowing what that is.  It doesn’t have to be a younger part.  Maybe we as older parts could have time to figure something out. 

Hmm, better remind him that we’ve been having trouble with our resistences.  Seems in general, we have to go forward, but am giving life a hard time.  I feel like when standing in front of my favorite troublemaker.  We’ll go through garbage man once, but then we tell him, Tell me something new.  He usually does.  And, afterward is happy with his conversation.  It seems to calm him. 

Ok, you ... think of something new!  Wow remembering the days long ago where we didn’t know how to talk to people.  Not a pro now, but at the time we didn’t trust that any voice would come out.  I know Lissa.  How’s she doing.  Still concerned with that knife behind the cabinet.  Oh oh ... here we go again.  If there is going to be any death talk it has to be with Dr. M.!  Just 15 more minutes left.  Better put on shoes.  Hold on.

Ahh, hair feels cool and soft.  Glad we took shower early.  Thanks!  No CHINESE!  Remember diet.  Hmm, think wallet still down in car.  Just one slim dollar in it.  Money in bank ... we’re ok with parking.  Didn’t bring book bag up.  We’re fine on gas, smokes.  We’ve been having a little problem with our driving.  Just that its been feeling strange lately.  Hehe thinking of the steering wheel, you all must think we have the strongest fingers.  At least strong typer-woman fingers.  Feeling a little sore now though.  Feels at this moment as if its safe to look forward.  Just have to adjust to being outside.  Shhh... it’s ok.  Hmm, I wonder ... are we really sure this is what a multiple thinks like.  Still that lone thought ... maybe someone made a mistake.  Better ask Dr. M.  Ok, ok ... see there ya go.  An Agenda!