We had a very hard emotional day yesterday. From the night before, we continued to be angry, hurt, fearful, and hopeless. This started after Sr. Tess had yelled at us to go home and not be staying so late at the center anymore. We acted out our feelings by not going in yesterday at all. Dr. M. and more directly Forest Path suggested that there were other avenues, like talking to Sr. Tess. But, we'd concluded there was no talking to the woman. We felt powerless.
I think more than trying to hurt her or block our work from progressing, we felt vulnerable. We figured if we went in we'd get her more angry and we would be fired for telling her what we think, or that she would trigger the hysterical sobbing some more, or engrain our paranoia, or that we'd become more uncontrollably depressed.
We are much calmer now, but still not safe. Maybe that will come after being with Dr. M. tonight. We progressed the situation some yesterday by writing out the experience to Dr. M., then later we forwarded our thoughts to Forest Path. We had thought we were going to be ok earlier, we had been able to write and read of other things in the morning, but, as soon as we turned away from the computer, we again felt the devastation that had hit us the day before.
We worry about trust. When Forest Path called to check on us, he suggested we'd forgotten the motive that maybe Sr. Tess had been caring for us. All the motives we had thought up were negative and judgemental; caring certainly didn't occur to us. We think also that due to the intensity of feelings and thoughts that maybe the buckets of childhood were banged. I know in the emails out, we had concluded that we were again worthless. This is a very defeating thought pattern that we needed to stop immediately.
We don't comprehend well other's anger at us. We dont' see this as caring. We weren't trying to upset people. We need to figure we're still one of the good guys.
5 comments:
You are def. one of the good guys. I am sorry to hear you have not had the best out of the past few days. =-( But I wanted to thank you so much for your support on my earlier journal entry. You guys mean a lot to me, and I just wanted to say how much I truly appreciate it.
Erin A
Ya'll are the "good guys", I read your journal, and I see it,
from your insights about your life and feelings, and the genuine
care and concern you have towards others, I'm specifically
thinking of our friend Erin. I know the care you have has touched
her, as it does me. And it is so appreciated.
Love, Penny
Penny and Erin,
Thank you for your support! This entry has a happy ending! I sent the entry to Sr. Tess in an email before work. She met me at the door with a big embracing smile. She said, "So you got mad at me?!" She then confirmed she had said to go home, because she was concerned. Then in 4-5 sentences why I wanted to be there, the last being it gives me great joy! She smiled proudly and concluded I could "work away whenever!" This morning our blessings go to Sr. Tess!
Stay safe, feel good about yourself, and be good to yourself. I enjoy reading your journal. Goodnight - Lois
Hey Lois,
Thanks for your support! It's always been encouraging to us. We're very grateful that now-a-days, these "spells" don't last long. We're trying to be more trustful of the good in other people and ourselves. Like many things of our childhood, this too is a conscious learning process. We hope for you a day of peace!
Our love,
Ayn
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