Some of the Bad Stuff

Morning ... Feeling a little intrepid here this morning. We’ve been at such strange places with our thoughts and emotions over the last four days. Last night we settled down finally after about 4 pm. We watched football, napped, saw a few minutes of 60 minutes, then CBS crime show, then some of the movie before falling asleep. Tried very hard to just relax. We were still up and down checking on one thing or another, but settled down enough for the kitties to find us. I forgot to mention also that between breakfast and writing our friend stopped over for a little bit. He had just finished dropping his son off from the holidays. That was very nice.

Right now we’re very concentrated on ... it being a Dr. M. Day. We thought yesterday about canceling work this morning because it felt too much. But, now I think as long as we can get out for the appointment that we should be able to find our way back to the job. I can imagine its about the same for a whole lot of people off this last four days. I feel kind of stuck now in our thinking. Various thoughts have been going through our mind, but none feel particularly worthy of a whole paragraph of thought.

There is one curiosity this morning that also appeared in our early morning dreams. My peer at work, the other Q had surgery over the last couple of weeks and she should be back this morning. She had done the gastric bypass. We’re very much hoping all went well with that and look forward to her losing the weight she dislikes. I have to admit though feeling jealous. Please forgive me Lord! I am proud that she set this in her mind quite a while ago and did everything she needed to to make it happen. It feels a little extreme, but health wise, she’s probably earned many of her years back. The other thing that appeared in our dreams was that we were very sluggish, but it had been our responsibility to assist a foreign class to be learning English. The Professor was also foreign and had thoughts extremely different than normal. Just we were muddled up could barely lift our arms. Schwoo, thank goodness it was only a dream.

The whole thing gets us to be thinking medical again ... We’ve taken notice that it will be less than a month before we’re off again for the Christmas vacation. And, less than that we’ll have to return to the surgeons office. I have this nagging feeling that we aren’t in physical shape to be handling all that. But, we’ll have to wait. I’m thinking there is probably no way to get it done as fast as Christmas vacation, because we’re guessing we would have to go through the anesthesiologist again. I think that my diabetes being a bit out of control isn’t going to help much. We’ve been having a horrible time with sweets of late. We’ll pass on sharing the gory details, but its not good. At least there is a couple of weeks more before that all has to get found out. Still have to get to the part of needing to be examined. *Whimper*

Ok, ok ... enough of that ... There’s a new thread with Dr. M. in that, we’ve decided he is being much more aggressive in his treatment. Before, he was much more apt to change subjects with us when we indicated that things were becoming hard. Now, he seems more likely to get into a hard thing right away and stick with it like a schnauzer with his favorite squeeky. There’s this one point in our mind that’s been happening over and over again. It’s kind of like we go in, have this struggling point of not knowing whose going to be there of our parts, then someone will come out indicating an area of concern and it seems like we keep hearing from the Doctor him settling in his chair and saying, "Ok, let’s go there!" I mean the explanation point explicitly. There’s next this feeling of being trapped, again the *Whimpering.* It’s not that he isn’t nice about it, but it seems more serious as if we’re going to be walking a certain plank.

While it is true we want to stop the anxiety ... of whatever is "hot" that day, there seems to be more an awareness that it is going to hurt before it gets better. If he were here now, he might be saying something like, "What is it that hurts?" Then we might squirm in our chair as we realize we have to then next allow ourselves to feel that hurt to explain it. That means sometimes having to allow other parts come out who are feeling pained directly. At that point, one has lost "control" over the session, because the rest of it is between that part and Dr. M. We know he doesn’t mean to upset, but if we need to be upset to get down to the basics, then we know he is going to go there. Kind of stuck like feeling, "Damn!" I don’t think we take enough anxiety pills to cover this. It’s like sitting in a game of poker while knowing that whatever cards you have and calls you make, you know the other guy is going to say, "I call/check you and raise you ..." Sometimes its pretty tense. He seems a mastermind of the game.

Sometimes we see him going in a particular direction ... Like lately, he’s brought up a couple of times with Casey having had sat closer to him ... meaning on the same side of the room. We get these feelings of terror that seem to be coming from more places than just Casey. Somehow we are all wrapped in the suspense of knowing that one day that whole business is going to have to be dealt with. We’re talking serious investment of maintaining a fierce boundary for over 5 years. It’s pretty embedded into our psyche that space be maintained. We can already feel our eyebrows scrunch up and that double warring factor raise up thinking we should trust him, but we don’t trust ourselves. We’ve seen this before where Crystal is forced out and she exhibits in a manner that she’s physically ajar hitting out and kicking as if trapped in the freezing water under a block of ice.

Shoot, shoot ... that’s enough of that ... it scares the hell out of us that she might be present. Dr. M. has never challenged that barrier though many hospital nurses have. The results before were that we always ended up in restraints. For years and years, we’ve had to fight against the images of doing damage to Dr. M’s office space. We’ve played it over and over again in our heads. Would he reasonably just back off until she tired, would security be called, would he try handle her aggression himself?

We know this much about ourselves ... that Crystal has come out in the situation of being "manhandled" by those in the medical field and during sexual relations. We can explain from our view point that she gets physically and mentally out of control, but we don’t want to have our theory’s tested. I know, I know ... perfectly safe woman, right? Shoot, she even has a loving Granddaughter ... Let me say this once and for all ... there can be no situation more terrible than being in restraints. They leave you terrified and powerless all at the same time. I think most people who might one day read our journal might wonder how bad could it be? After all its just a matter of keeping hands, arms, leg and feet held down in one position. But, we know its worse than that because everything inside you is still moving either in anger or fear. There is no way to protect yourself, let alone scratch that nose that starts to itch.

I know reasonable people don’t have to think of these things. But, here lays the key ... we aren’t all soreasonable as some others. It seems pretty clear in our mind that we’ve been held down before ... shoot, shoot ... really don’t want to go here ... stop, stop, stop. There’s no form of safety for this. Sure, sure, we have NO problem being forced to lay still for physical examinations. Oh dear now the flashbacks. Really, really need to change spaces here.

So ... did you catch that Minnesota Vikings game yesterday? Whoops ... look at the time, we gotta go! Another sip of coffee, one more smoke ... sure why thank you!