Slow Start

Good morning ... We’d like to write something this morning, but as of yet, we haven’t been able to capture our thoughts. It is more like a sense of desire to be writing. Perhaps, we’re thinking though that our common everyday thoughts or experiences aren’t so profound.

The most remarkable part of our day yesterday was ... the appointment with Dr. M. There were three parts out. They were Casey, Annemarie, and Jamie. I know, I know ... when is it that these parts AREN’T out! It happens ... Monday, Kate was out and talked the whole session in regard to the Self esteem project. But this time it was mostly these younger parts. To capture their essence would be meaningful, though I think I’m not that great a writer.

Casey started out ...although she was having problems from the start. She was feeling very sad. It was pretty obvious in a few moments that that was Annemarie’s feelings expressed through Casey. Casey then submitted to Annemarie. I can never pick up Annemarie’s words although there was some apparent conversation between she and the doctor. The thing about it was that both Casey and Annemarie were crying ... I think they both hurt desperately. But, there was no immediate reason why they’d be in that state. I think the most important thing was that what was captured later by Casey, then followed up by Jamie. Annemarie turned down the help being offered, but then when Dr. M. said she didn’t have to accept the help, things became immediately more distressing. Casey said something like, "She’s lying ... she does want help," but we’re thinking she’s too alienated right now to offer that much vulnerability. Back in the day ... to allow anyone to know help was needed would be placing oneself in danger. There was a lot of living without, rather than to ask, because that could be manipulated against you in theory or punishment.

This is something we as a system couldn’t afford ...

This morning we woke up with nightmares again ... most of them are due to some kind of sexual abuse. This was another one in large scale meaning there were many people around the incident. It was very circus-like. Then later there were secret rooms that were invaded by these intrusive figures.

Shoot, shoot ... We’re shutting down again ... can’t see, can’t think. Maybe if we let this go for a bit. Round the corner a nother Dr. M. appointment. Damn can’t keep eyes open ... maybe later at work :(

Hmm … This seems better, we’re at work now.  One of the thoughts that came to mind in the last few moments was to look more carefully into the pictures that outline two of my walls.  There are a set of a dozen garden pictures.  Sometimes it makes me feel better to look into the shots and imagine ourselves within them.  This morning, we found ourselves sitting at the small logged bench surrounded by wild flowers both planted and in pots.  The bench sits next to old red slated large stones that serve as a walkway.  I would have with me one of my notebooks and a fine line blue rolling ball pens.  Perhaps, I would notice the changing of greenery toward their fall colors.  I would interest myself in picking up a small twig and tracing it in my book and I would think how my life like this twig is.  More relatedly like the way my thoughts are small fragments broken off from the whole.  We find other small twigs readily and order them in a pattern which becomes a small house.  Carefully in the middle of the home’s frame … we place a door.  Come in, come in … all are welcome here.

 

Extra funny warm thought … Dr. M. has new golden pillows and rice-paper like billowy curtains in his office.  We told him we thought it was like being in a dreamlike cloud.  Very, very cool.

 

Ok, ok ... now work!  One of our clients was here ... he said he made muchos denero!  Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh!  Life goes forward!