Mornin ... we’re not sure of the day. We’re finding ourselves off-scheduled due to the car. Just called into the boss. It be hard to tell who was more disappointed at the turning of events. My help has inferred that I should be planning to rearrange my schedule over the next two days. I don’t think with possible car costs that it would be feasible/practical to rent a car.
Just a bit down, I’m afraid. Maybe also because today is my grandfather’s birthday. He was the one who we were sexually abused by. Each year I try to forget and each year it raises its blistered hand to be causing grief within the system. His name was Al and he was born February 2nd and died on February 5th, the birthday of my youngest child. This latter day is celebrated in our household for change it represents in our world.
We’ve been avoiding thoughts of our last session with Dr. M. We’re hoping though that he will find it acceptable to talk by phone today.
It seems like Dearheart is having trouble being caught in a space-time continuum. It took us some time and trouble to bring the images that she appears to be living into focus. We are left limp of the results. It took quite a while before anyone would confess the thoughts to Dr. M. Thinking we’re going to need to deal with it a little this morning. We’re feeling shamed.
"A" is the position that is haunting us ... there seems to be a story that goes with it. He’d taught us a game of chasing soft fluffy bunnies down the hole. We’re thinking now it was a means of stimulation for him. We figure that it could have been to relieve terror, but, then it doesn’t seem that by the age of 4, we were terrorized any more. Except for whisker burns.
By then had been created the two Casies. One played the game with pleasure, the other said, "No."
Casey, the first one was trained to think it was loving to be adored by our grandfather. KC the second had been caught and shamed into thinking that she was already a woman (because there had been blood) and that this compared to being a dirty animal. She was also taught that it was her responsibility and duty to control her emotions.
We were feeling numbed and am now sensing anger by these thoughts.
14 comments:
Oh {{{{{Ayn}}}}} I'm so sorry for the bad memories. I hope the car problems are resolved soon. {{{{{More big hugs to you}}}}}
Poor Casey and KC..Prayers for them.....Sure makes me ANGRY!!
V.
you all have every right to be angry! besides, anger is a good motivator....
for instance - each year i would make it a point to celebrate your grandmonster's birthday instead, by going and pissing on his grave...but hey, that's just me...
hug Casey and KC for us, loves..and let's remind all children to "beware of the baobabs"...
"Voici mon secret... Il est tres simple: On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur.
L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Le Petit Prince.
(And now here is my secret; a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.)
::sigh:: To endure such terror and live to share your truth is the ultimate F-You to the perpetrator! If there's one thing I've learned about shame is 10 times out of 10, IT'S NOT YOURS! Love and tenderness - in the truest sense of the words - to all of you... especially Dearheart, Casey and KC, as they walk through this fire and face their shadows with you. Strong brilliant wise loving beings of light you all are! ~peace~
Thanks for the super hugs Viv ... we needed them yesterday a lot. We ran into good luck with the car. It turned out to be "stabalizers?" They got wedged into things and the guy said we were extremely lucky that our brake line didn't get cut. Extra prayers of thanksgiving inserted here.
Vince - they are angels in our book. Anger is still real hard. We have tendencies to self-destruct. So there is a great need to work our way carefully through it each tie.
Yeeks Floralilia ... We aren't able to even say the word, let alone place it on his grave.
We had to look up that other word you used about something getting us. Shouldn't plant those kind of ideas in one's mind. We found that it is a tree that is a thousand years old and sometimes called, "an upside down tree." Seemed a stubby little grower ... barely looks as if he could catch us in a race!
Free ... you are truly one of life's arbitrators. We are trying to be here so hard so we can walk through it with them. We are trying, because this effort seems to be called for. We don't want them continuing to live in these shadows. We want to free their minds and know peace. I'd not heard the part of shame, but feel your gentleness through Casey. She seems comforted ... tired and confused, but happy you are here.
The fact that you can openly discuss these life altering incidents is a sign of repair and return to emotional health. I will keep you in my prayers. Not everyone is like those of whom you speak. You're scars will always be there but, you all can shine through and move forward in life. My Deepest Regards, Bill.
Deares Bill ... thank you. I think it is important for us to talk about whatever is going on in our mind(s). The journals are a blessing. I don't know how it all plays together yet, but it is a terrible thing for especially the younger parts to feel they have to continue having secrets ... even from the others of us in the system. Again, deep thanks ... especially for the prayers.
Ayn,I`m so happy that you have Dr. M on your side...and your great intellect and strength. And all of the j-readers who love you.
Vince [on son`s puter]
loves...do you want me to go and piss on his grave for you? i will ya know.
as for the baobabs...what you don't know, is that they can overtake their surroundings...stealing all the soil, all the sun, all the good nutrients of all the other good and tender seedlings...unfortunately, some people only see the tree - but it seems to me, that grandmonsters can be just like baobabs, eh?
nuture your "seedlings", ayn - kate and lissa will help with the other stuff.
I can only shake my head in utter disbelief and anger at what you had experienced with your grandfather. The betrayal alone is hard to fathom, much more so the abuse. I hope through writing you are able to find healing and release. We are all here, listening and reading.
Oh, so sorry you're feeling down. :-( Hopefully you'll feel a bit better when you get back to your regular routine. Sometimes being busy doesn't leave as much time or energy for feeling down.
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