When we’d reached out crossed the passenger’s seat last night to retrieve our coffee cup, we came upon something of great interest. It is a photograph of what we’re pretty sure is Dr. M.
It is now sitting aside us looking ever so calmly! There are those of us in our system, who’ve never gotten to look at him. I think that is why he gave us the picture. Pretty strange, I suppose, because we’ve now known him for almost 5 years. Most often we see him through lowering our head and eyes.
We were struck for looking at my mother. We were trained to think it was disrespectful to challenge her by seeing or talking to her. It seems now like a punishment better bestowed on a rabid dog. Yes ma’am, no ma’am.
I know that Dr. M’s picture is giving us a new safety. Also, my mother has contacted us saying that its been over a year and she expects a letter from us.
It is difficult to offer a part of your life directly to another. We know that Sr. Tess get's sometimes angry at us. We sink in the feelings presented. We grew up in shame, a mistress of spite and hatred.
Thinking now again of my mother, I’m pretty sure she was against us having feelings what-so-ever. We were terrorized for being happy, sad, or angry. Other feelings like confusion, curiousness, insightfulness ... none of these were acceptable. Hopelessness, despair, or loneliness were fine, just best be kept to self.
I’m not feeling negative right now ... these are feelings that we’ve felt. It’s just that it seems to be coming up now as something we have to think through. There seems to be such a strong want to be strong and masterful and not guided by whims of insecurity. Not necessarily that this would come from, Sr. Tess directly ... She's with faults, particularily in the area of anger management.
But, it seems as if there is something within us that is fierce and needs to be channeled more purposefully. We need to find the strength of our ability and dedicate ourselves to perhaps a more just and tolerant intention.
There's seems a much bigger world going on out there then in our secure isolation. Independence is more than just the ability to choose seat down and door open. I'm pretty sure of this.
11 comments:
{{{{{Ayn et all}}}}} I'm heartbroken reading things like you were struck for looking at your mother. Makes me want to give you a big hug in person..also made me want to go hug my son. I'm sure it's not easy for you to draw on such memories, but please know that you are loved and that what you share will help others.
"Independence is more than just the ability to choose seat down and door open. I'm pretty sure of this."
...........perfect!
"But where shall I find courage?" asked Frodo. "That is what I chiefly need."
~"Courage is found in unlikely places," said Gildor.
(jrr tolkein)
Hmm, Gildor Inglorion, huh? Maybe I could use a high elf?
There`s alot of courage there....both you and Dr. M
Good for hin..and esp., for you V.
everyone can use a high elf from time to time, eh?
Took me a moment but now I'm pretty sure the image above is NOT Dr. M. [who is that little darling?]
When I was in therapy, I asked my therapist for a picture. Made me feel safer -less alone in the world. I have pics of my friends on my wall. Comforting, calming. I hide them when I'm feeling shame. Guess I can relate.
I say write your mother - give her some good reading material. You speak/write with such clarity and truth. No need to hide anymore. :) xo
Thanks for thinking so Vince. We think most of the courage though belongs to younger parts. Other abuses continued, but Lissa (7 years) was the last to experience sexual abuse from a family member. I know they weren't alone, because there was always God, but we still hurt for them.
Floralilia - maybe a fairy or two thrown in for good measure too?
Shoot Free, I wish I could claim this person was us, but it is not. She seemed so happy and trustworthy, I fell for her. I claim guilty of finding pictures on the Internet ... I know, I know ... Thief, Thief!
Shame is hard. To this day, we're the family disgrace.
I'm sorry you can relate Free. Maybe this is why there is so much strength in the freedom you strive for.
We talked about the writing the mother yesterday with Dr M. He says we can keep it short and simple. She sends each year $100, so we are "indebted" to her. Same with my grandmother still living. We never ever talk to her about things that are personal. No emotions. Afterward, we're flooded with them. Makes the task very difficult. We still respond yes ma'am, no ma'am.
Ayn, as I read your journal more, it's beginning to dawn on me the enormity of what you have gone through and the journey you are taking towards healing. Dr. M. seems to be a good doctor and friend and I'm glad you have him on your side. I am sorry that your mother and grandmother are a source of anxiety, not strength.
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