Good Attention versus Bad Attention

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Hey Bill ... this one is especially for you ... you were right in that there were feelings about the preliminary test results. We talked to Dr. M., but it was only a half hour over the phone on Friday afternoon. He summarized the tests for us, then emailed them for us to look over after we’d gotten off the phone.

I have to admit that our first reaction wasn’t a positive one ... that part came later after two hours of thinking things over and more Internet reading that was done trying to understand the test terminology for ourselves.

A negative part of us was out with Dr. M. I think basically she’d hoped that the results had gone the other way. She was angry as if tricked out of an inward goal to not be having a longstanding life. There were validations such as feeling as a bother to the kids. The logic went that if we’d died earlier, they wouldn’t have to worry about us developing more illnesses or helping us financially through a life apt to be spent alone in nursing homes. There was also the thought that we’d prefer to have died by a quick heart attack than, an accident, a difficult cancer or prolonged senility.

I think also there was a kind of order that people like us could appreciate. We wanted a number. A calculation of how many years we had left. We wanted things "nice and neat." We had done a lot of preparing ourselves for the thought that we wouldn’t be here and to reverse those thoughts was difficult for us.

I also think we felt sorry for ourselves from the more negative perspective that life is a burden. We’d fairly adjusted to all the physical problems we have and thought, "good," then we won’t deal with it, then later .... well, we would deal with it and make the best out of our last years. So upon hearing "positive" news we were more like, "fine," then there is no reason to get all excited about diabetes, arthritis, weight, smoking, and such because it turns out we’re fairly healthy as far as our heart is concerned and we can get by with the direction we’d been headed.  We seem always to be looking for an angle, or easy way out...

I think also we were caught up in a childhood reality that stretched through our adulthood through my father and mother and their family. There seems to be a fascination with being ill and especially to be hospitalized. It is like people connect to each other and ask, "Hi, how are you?" "Fine" "How’s the weather?" "Fine" "So, how is your health treating you?" "Oh Well ... I’m glad you asked, let me talk about that some!"

I haven’t figured out all the ramifications of that. For most of our years, we avoided telling anyone that anything was wrong with us, because I think there is a part that wants the "sympathy" of others ... Because bad attention is better than no attention. This is a far cry different then wanting an empathetic response from someone who loves you and cares deeply. The family we grew up with was very shallow and seemed to except pity over real relationing (Think we just created this word. :) They also used other people’s "problems" as an opportunity to vent their own troubles. I hated that ... always the one where "You think that was bad, I can do that one better!" I think it is a form of minimalizing others.

I think there is a part also in the family that I grew up in hoards calamity and disaster as if it makes you a stronger and better person. Who knows ... maybe this is part of my backward German genes. Shoot, way out here now ... we rarely ever, ever admit to being German! Yeeks and Creepercrum. Nuf of that!!

Now, don’t get excited here. We know that all of this is lousy thinking. But, maybe part of what we were going through too is like shock. We were afraid that someone was just fooling us, as if to tease us that we were actually going to get a life, then suddenly snap it away again. Two and a half hours after we’d hung up from Dr. M. we sent him another email asking if we "Really weren’t going to die?" He responded back in about three minutes saying, "Not from your heart.  :)"  He used our favorite powder blue to respond from note to note!  Thanks Dr. M. even if it were just a coincidence  :)

We stared at that message ‘til we felt a ‘smidgeon of relief and also that it became real clear we weren’t going back to work and might as well go home. We "treated" ourselves with going out to eat Linguini, shrimp and vegetables. We also contacted the few external people we knew such as Sr. Tess, our son, and our friend to tell them the "good" results of the test. I’m afraid none of them heard much more than our first entry response to you all. It has taken us awhile before we could handle and have time for thoughts and feelings that were more positive.

We’re thinking now the subtle message Dr. M. sent in that we could still die from something other than our heart ... most likely due to our bad habits. We’ve started the first effort toward all that. We downloaded a health program that is supportive and would help to calculate what is happening with our food intake, exercise and medical issues and we’ve been reading from their program. We’ve got to be honest here ... we’re real close to thinking of what to do right, but we just washed down that thought with another donut.  :( There is going to be resistence.

I think in general ... it is a good thing to have a heart that seems to be working ... we just have to try harder to fathom it out. I think our strongest point is that of work. We love what we are doing, and had still looked forward to retiring at 60 to be doing personal work with our reading and writing. We’d even come up with a back up plan to have someone read to us, or write for us if we’re not able to function in that direction. I don’t know what will happen if our thoughts get stranger than they already are. But, then I remember back in college when we were in human development and the people in our major had reputations for hugging trees. *Grin* We loved everything! I hope it will always be like that, even if I can’t remember the name of the attendant who wheeled us over to the big maple and smuggled us that Milky Way bar.

We talked in IM to John G. a little last night before going to bed. The both of us had come to basically the same conclusion as crosses our mind now. We’re all in God’s hands, and we should be trusting that he is going to take care of us. It really doesn’t get much more complicated than that. I really am grateful that he’s blessed us with my life.

So that said, maybe we’ll take a walk around the J-neighborhood, before dedicating ourselves back to that problem we’d gotten a handle on yesterday at work. I may be halfway to old and feeble, but at least Jamie's mind is still capable of figuring out the normal distribution of a bell-shaped curve. That ‘ol Performance Analysis is coming along smoothly. Just she takes some time and attention!

Just wanted to say one more thing. I appreciate all of you who’ve shown concern over the last week or two in regard to our health and sanity. Hehe ... Good attention is really better than bad attention, right??!  No sense to go backward ... we're having a really fine and wonderful life!

Picture - http://www.terragalleria.com/america/north-west/wyoming/picture.uswy8377.html