Stumbling Along

Mornin ... feeling a little better today. We know we have to be stronger today. Can’t stay in those other places long. Figure its kinda of an unfair thing to do ... don’t want to be worrying people.

There was a point in talking to Dr. M. yesterday when he repeated something to the effect of "This is something we can work out through talking." I remember having heard him say that one of the last times we were in trouble and we had gone the other way. This time we figured that we need to be listening and understand that he is serious.

Sometimes we get so angry we don’t know what to do about it, except to hurt ourselves. I figure that’s what we do with our eating. I think we need to somehow trust Dr. M. a little more. And, we gotta be not so crabby that we have to give up time in our therapy sessions to be taking care of things that are more difficult for us. Figure we’ve gotten sloppy. I think we heard both Dr. M. And our friend say yesterday, that there are just some things we have to do. We put up all kinds of fights with this one, because inside we’re yelling, "NO, NO! We don’t have to do whatever you say!"

Maybe this is too a part of growing up and having so many adults tell us wrong things of what was expected of us. At this point of our life, our rebelliousness was a saving grace. They could manipulate the body, but they couldn’t take away our minds. Maybe this has something to do with our divorce from our own body. We aren’t tolerating well at all. We’ve taken to hating most things physical about us with the exception of maybe the action of our fingers on a keyboard. This has to be wrong thinking.

Been lookin at the picture of Dr. M. that sits by our computer for a few moments. It seems like a process of weighing things out. I don’t know if either of us really know the issues, though maybe he has in better mind what is happening to us the last couple of weeks. I don’t know so much how we’re trusting ourselves, but we know that he is stable. Always has been. Maybe if we can’t trust ourselves, we can at least trust him? He’s pretty smart and reasonable. I wish it were already late in the day. I feel like I need to be able to figure this stuff out.

Hmm, maybe the dizzy/weakness is due to lack of food. We’ve felt this buzzing before. Hmm, last time eaten? Maybe at least 12 hours ago. S’pose that’s kinda long. Maybe we’ll take a break here to have a couple pieces of peanut butter bread. We can do that much for ourselves thismorning. Hmm, ok that is better. Lotsa water too. Trying to believe that our body isn’t the enemy. :(

Ok ... let’s have a clear thought now. "Listen to Dr. M." Yesterday he said to do something productive, but all we could do is drag ourselves in and out of bed. It was too hard to be productive. But, we can do this today, right? You’re never behind, just jump in where you’re at. When we get to work, there will be plenty to do. Just need to choose one of them and go forward. If there weren’t too many surprises, we would be concentrating on either CARF or Qnotes. That’ll make us feel better.

But, here and now? We’ve got an hour yet to be on our own. There’s three choices really. We could continue to write, we could be reading more of the diet program, or we could skip all that and go to work early. Hmm. Think we should be paying more attention to self than going into work early. Keep everything so we’re not afraid of skipping ahead. We figure that we should concentrate on the diet reading during the evenings after getting home from work. I think if we took up our writing time there might be a rebellion.

Anything, we NEED to write about? Hmm, we’ve already gone through the part where we are going to try today not to be defeating ourselves. We know that one of the things we have to do is to continue talking to Dr. M. What’s next then? Is there anything we can try to figure out before starting the day?

Maybe we should think a little more reasonably with the results of the heart test. First they either may be there, or they may not. So, we have to steady ourselves a bit in case we need to wait a while longer. Pretty much we expect though after we know they are here ... is to say that either our heart is healthy, or it is sick. Either way, we should be figuring that we want to live as long as possible. That means the dieting part. Don’t think anyone expects us to quit bad eating and bad smoking at the same time. Maybe we could set a goal. After we lose the first 50 pounds, we do something about the smoking?

We’ve lost weight two times now and gained it back. Each time we were down about 30 pounds. Not much for all told, but significant. Represents the 20% mark. Dr. M. Says we can work on that again as it happens next. So that is ok for now.

Shoot, feeling tired again. Maybe a little more rest?