We’ve enjoyed the few hours we’ve had to ourselves yet this morning, but now that the time is drawing nearer to be leaving our position of comfort, we are beginning to feel more fearful.
We don’t want to get lost in this feeling. There are good things ahead. There will be a visit to the good doctor this morning. It feels as if its been a long time since we’ve been there. I think we’ve been strange or maybe better yet, strangers to ourselves of late with series of confusing thoughts and feelings.
Most things we do and think about, we’re not able to remember without some kind of environmental cue ... like the journal entries. They’ve become our bread trail into the past of our yesterday and the day before. I had one therapist who used to tell me that we were strange and that I should watch our behavior. It’s not that I felt un-cared for by him, he was just saying something we’ve heard all our life. We’re strange. Gee doc. Thanks. I feel much more reassured.
I’m not sure what kind of day it will be at work. Though, I think I will avoid the boss today if at all possible. She’s become much too complex for me. There is disparity between our worlds and I’m confused by it. I want to fit in and contribute, but I’m not sure I know how. I think it fair to let her know ... I envision the next 4 weeks working on the client file project that isn’t going to make her happy.
Will she be able to accept this and work through it, or will she become emotional and distracting? Have I lost all of her trust in me? Why did she feel as if she should be yelling? Could she acknowledge even that she did this? It’s not like her to admit fault, would it then be vain of me to assign it? Even toward myself? It is hard to know.
What about that box of Kleenex? Will this be the week it gets knocked of its ledge? How much anger is left? Or, maybe its been dissipated to just confusion. How is this to be sorted out? Am I necessarily weakening my hand? Better it not, then the chicken whose sky is falling down? I feel in trepidation. I’m apprehensive. I sense danger in her dismay.
I conceive at times, I am her best friend, but worst enemy. It scares me that she could crush me. Hmm, back now to no need to volunteer to another’s anger without restriction.
12 comments:
It is strange when we feel the way we do of people. john
I've had to rely much on my journal entries to remember things that I forget. We ALL do this and I realize I'm getting worse about it these days. I think that also, this time of year, there is an emotional "funk" that we also go through. {this too, shall pass!} Things will look brighter, soon, dear.... love, Mia and Stephen
JUST WANTED TO STOP BY AND LET YOU KNOW I WAS HERE.. THANKS FOR THE COMMENT YOU LEFT ME.. I WILL START SHARING MY CHILDHOOD MEMEORIES ON FRIDAYS. ~BERLY
I found your comment in my journal (thank you! I don't have many so it's quite exciting ;) and so stopped by to take a look at yours. Very interesting!
Take care,
Katie
the queen of pointless posting doth hereby make an official visit - officially.
~~lissa, corey, ann et all..thank you for stopping by my journal and leaving your official mark. I was officially pleased. looking around...hey - i like how you decorated the place here - no small task ann, especially if everyone was throwing in their two cent at once eh? {{{keep up the good work kiddo}}}...
I wish I can just say "don't be worried" and it could be so. you seem to be under a lot of stress and it's messing with your wiring ;) take time to breath and just do the best you can. I would say talk with your boss, and see what her expectations are and see if they are really realistic goals on her part? I don't know, just a suggestion....but I will be thinking of ya! *hugs*
I appreciate all the comments left for us this morning. It gives us a lot to think about. We spend a great amount of time thinking about our relations with self(ves) and others. Sometimes we have negative conceptions especially when the other is angry (not saying Sr. Tess is good/bad), it triggers us (meaning us being multiple) to express thought and feelings that doubt the common good. In turn, we feel need to recapitulate and move forward. It takes time and space. I'm sorry.
do not be sorry. just think of it as a big family meeting around the dinner table, eh? talk it out - and then put it to rest and look to the new day ahead. look for the unexpected delights....
Oh, honey... I'm sorry you're having trouble with your boss. No matter what the situation, or confusion, there's never any reason to yell. Especially in the work place. I hope you're able to work it out.
I understand what you mean about the bread trail too. Though not as serious as yours, I tend to forget things so easily.. and the journal seems to keep me coherent.
I'll be thinking about you. :)
Thanks Slo and Floralilia - you all are a heartfelt bunch of peoples! I don't think I will ever be used to yelling ... maybe no one should ever be used to it. I love the peace when we're just working, especially on our own. Working with the big group tends to be very dynamic, maybe not so "peaceful." The act of journaling has been a tremendously keen experience. Sort of like doing a "Qnote" on what's happening with ourselves!
I know your boss's tantrums can be unsettling, but sometimes higher ups get upset for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Perhaps she's feeling some pressure herself and taking it out on you instead. Unfair, I know. Is she the kind that you can approach and talk to? Maybe if you have a calm discussion with her and tell her that you do wanted to get the job done, and get it done right!
Thinkin you must be right Muse. Sr. Tess has got to be under just a tremendous amount of pressure. We like better though the days she confides her troubles with us rather than yelling them at us. Just we then get so confused and emotional. We can sneak in quick comments, but she's kind of a one sentence per discussion person. She doesn't dilly dally with nothin. Problem is we're a real dillier at times!
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